Keenan - posted on 06/19/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )
Hello, I am here because I need help. I don't even know where to start. I am engaged to the most amazing man in all of creation, he is just the best ever. We met 9 years ago but neither one of us were ready for a relationship, we were finishing college so we never made it official. While separated, he had a sexual relationship with one of his classmates which ended in them conceiving a child. We started dating the year the child was born (4 years ago). He and the mother have never been in a romantic relationship & she is now married with another child.
Now, I am having trouble connecting with his child. In the beginning it wasn't hard for me. We would take her on the weekends and I actually bonded with her faster than he did, but it has changed. I feel jealous whenever she is around, (we get her all summer and on winter holiday as well) I feel physically upset. We are having trouble making a child of our own and I feel so angry and envious. I know it is childish but I can't help but think, why does he have a child with someone that he never loved, but not with me? Maybe it never bothered me in the beginning because I figured we had time but at 31, it is starting to wear on me.
His child is so very beautiful, she looks exactly like him and every time I look at her I am so, so, hurt. And the way he looks at her, with such awe, like she is the most amazing thing (she is the MOST amazing thing, I get that) but it just crushes me. Creating another life is the most awesome thing you can do as a human being, it is killing me inside that we cannot do this together but he can and did with someone else. That we are not sharing those moments together but he is experiencing them already just pains me. That I can share the joy of parenting with him but I never truly feel part of it is just too much to carry. Whenever she is around, I withdraw, hide myself away, and just try to deal until she leaves. I know this is wrong. I know it is wrong to make him suffer while she is here, or by making him feel bad about fathering an amazing child.
I don't want this relationship to end over his child or my inability to deal with that child, that is so horrible. I come from and single parent family and I wouldn't want someone to give up my Mom because they couldn't deal with me, so how can I do it to him? I don't know what to do. He says this is the reason why we are not married because of my actions and understand him. He said to put myself in his shoes and I understand, I really do, but how can I stop what I am feeling? What can I do? I have tried to snap out of it, but I just cannot do it. My life is falling apart around me. I am losing him & any chance that I may have at being a Mom. Please help me.