Family issues

[deleted account] ( 34 moms have responded )

Hi, my name is Jamie! I'm having a difficult time dealing with tlsome issues with my family! I got pregnant with my oldest son when I was 19 and had him at 20! I was in an abusive relationship with his biological father who also did drugs! So I decided it was best to place him with my mother until I got the courage to leave! Well a month later my sister moved back to live with my mother and took over caring for him! They make threats to me non stop about getting an attorney now that I'm doing better in my life and married to an awesome man who I have another child with! I would like to get my oldest son back but I fear I've waited to long to do so!

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Jodi - posted on 04/09/2016

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Sorry, but she hasn't been young all of the last 11 years. She abandoned her son. Maybe her son wants to stay where he is. This shouldn't be about what mum wants - it should be about the best interests of the child, and she may not be the best person to raise the child any more.

Jodi - posted on 04/12/2016

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Seriously, Jamie, just stop with the personal attacks. The fact is, you came on here and posted that you left your son with your mother for 11 years because YOU couldn't parent him. Period. That isn't a criticism, that is fact. You don't now have the right to go and disrupt his life just because you've decided you can adult now. Yes, I said you had no right to bring another child into the world before you sorted out the one you had. I understand that was harsh. But noone should be bringing children into the world if they can't parent the ones they already have. That is irresponsible.

Believe it or not, I work with teenagers. I SEE the results of some kids who are abandoned by their mothers to be raised by grandparents every single day. By going off, getting married again, having another baby, all while not taking your son back, is impacting on him. You may not see it, but I assure you, you have a damaged child. You can't change that. But you can change the choices you make in the future, and that includes making future choices based on what is best for your child, NOT what is best for you. And what is best for your child may not be (is unlikely to be) changing his living arrangements at this stage in his life.

If you are as great a parent as you claim to be, you will have this conversation with your child, and you will have this conversation with the people who have raised him for the last 11 years. You will also have this conversation with other significant people in his life before making your decision. Rather than being upset because people are trying to stop you taking your son back, take a step back and look at it from the perspective that you DID hand him over, and you have literally not parented him for over half of his childhood. At his age, you may have lost your opportunity. I don't say that to be nasty, I say it because it is a fact that you can't get that time back, and you can't just assume that you are the best person to continue raising your child.

Nowhere in your posts have you indicated that your child is suffering at the hands of your mother and sister. Nowhere have you mentioned he is in an unstable, unsuitable home. Nowhere have you mentioned his grades are suffering, or he is unhappy. Just leave things alone. He is clearly okay where he is (or you would have said otherwise), so make it about what is best for him, not what will make you feel better.

Ev - posted on 04/12/2016

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How does he suffer? I can tell you how he suffers. He is taken from the home he grew up in for 11 years. He has to get used to a new home and new people. He has to maybe change schools if not in the same town. He might have to give up friends and things he is doing like sports if that applies. He can become unhappy at the idea of having to leave. A child does not ask to be put in the situations they are put in. They just are there. Granted the life mom was in was abusive and she did get out but after she got out she did not go back and get him. He was left there for 11 years!! What is a child supposed to think? Its not about your interests but his. That is what we are trying to get you to understand. And a judge is going to look at it and ask the question of why you did not come sooner for him after you left his father and the abuse. Our actions have an effect on our kids...trust me I know. I have been in a situation over the last 14 years where my kids' interest was more important than fighting over their custody. But in this case things got let go so long that he finally got used to grandma's being home. That is the point.

Sarah - posted on 04/11/2016

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Seriously? Another deleted account?
What did this mom expect? Us all to say "poor you, you poor thing you should get your child back without question?" Geez you left your kid in the care of family over 11 years ago! Sure lets hand him back over from the only life he has known for over a decade!

Jodi - posted on 04/09/2016

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And in response to your other post that you locked, I have the right to say what I believe about your situation, and I believe you should never have had another child until you could sort things out for the one you already had if you wanted to so badly. You don't have to agree with me, but I'm not the one who abandoned my first child and now wants him back.

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Ev - posted on 04/12/2016

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You apparently did not like the advice that was given and that was fine. But you still are not understanding that from a child's point of view that if a person takes them from a life they are used to, it is upsetting. I am not saying they do not adjust to things but they do suffer more than an adult because they do not know why things happen the way they do where adults are concerned. They do not make the choices nor have a say in them. When couples divorce and the kids are given to one parent or the other for primary care, that effects them just as much because they have to be uprooted from the old home and get used to a new one, have to get used to parents dating, getting remarried, having step parents, and so on. The list can go on forever. No one stops to think about what they feel or think. No one asks. No one explains things. Its not about you anymore. Its about his best interests and needs.

[deleted account]

OK that's ur opinion! But why is everyone still on the page posting comments! Stop worrying about my situation and move along to another mom that u people can belittle and intimidate! Cuz it shows me all u r very miserable and bored in ur lives!! Have a blessed life Cuz I will with my kids and husband!!! Lol

Dove - posted on 04/12/2016

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Dang it... deleted comments and people hiding behind deleted accounts....

No one assumed anything (as far as I've read, at least)... We've simply gone off of your words about the situation. Uprooting a child from their current, stable environment DOES mess w/ them... any child psychologist would tell you that. Is it possible to overcome that? Of course... kids overcome all sorts of crap all the time. No one is saying the kid wouldn't survive. We are simply trying to tell you what seems to be in his best interest based solely on the words we've gotten from YOU about the situation....

[deleted account]

How do u figure he's suffering, do u know me personally? How come all u people on here assume he doesn't come to my house often how do u know if I haven't been involved ( Cuz I have)! Assumptions can get u in trouble! She's passing judgement on someone she wouldn't know if she walked by in the streets or store! Nobody asked her to instantly get on here and start belittling people all Cuz they asked for advice! She should have kept scrolling past my status!

Ev - posted on 04/12/2016

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That is a bit harsh. She is giving sound advice. Jodi that is. She is not the things you called her. She just gave an opinion and like others here have done so as well. If you do not like the replies, ignore them. But please understand that this site is seen all over the world--internationally. Not everyone is going to have the same ideas as you. Also< I do agree with her advice. A child was left to the raising done by grandmother and aunt. And for 11 years. There has been more than enough time to make things better and get him back. Now mom wants to take him from the only home he has known his life through. That is going to make his life heck if it were to happen. HIS world would be upside down. The kids suffer at the choices their parents make. They suffer more than an adult does. Why make him suffer more.

Jodi - posted on 04/12/2016

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"She's asking for ADVICE. Not for a coment on her actions you don't know what she did only by what you read- also this is for her question not to comment or argue my comments"

And she received advice. To leave the child where he is. Stop acting on what's best for you, act on what is best for the child. And what is best for the child is to have the stable home environment he has been in for the last 11 years since his mother abandoned him.

Dove - posted on 04/12/2016

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lol Then quit arguing back... ;)

She got advice... and she's not even here anymore. You don't get to dictate how other people respond or what they respond to. You only have the power to control how YOU respond. This is how things go here... we discuss whatever we see fit to discuss off of whatever is posted... and right now that is you being in defense of this woman.

No, she owes no one here an explanation of anything... but most people here will not sugarcoat the truth when we give it.... and leaving a child in one home for over a decade and then wanting to rip them out of that home IS a very selfish act... no matter what the reasons for leaving them in that situation were in the first place.

Cheyenne - posted on 04/12/2016

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She's asking for ADVICE. Not for a coment on her actions you don't know what she did only by what you read- also this is for her question not to comment or argue my comments

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/12/2016

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Actually, Ms. Diaz, most of the responders on this post were fairly positive. lol

The OP was told the truth. She effectively abandoned her kid 11 years ago. The fact that she waited 11 years to consider pursuing getting her kid back will impact how things are handled by a judge..


It is SO irritating to see how many people who have made poor choices want perfect strangers (millions of them, at that) to validate their feelings, to "support" what are obviously very poor decisions on their parts, or who want us to tell them that they are 100% right no matter what. I'm sorry, Ms. Diaz, but I'm that ONE perfect stranger who isn't going to change my responses. If I know you, I'll probably give you a harsher response than you'll read on this forum from me, actually. I'll be damned if I'm going to tell someone who couldn't be bothered to take responsibility 11-12 YEARS ago that they have every right in the world to swoop in and demolish a child's life, simply because the "adult" is now "ready" to parent.

Dove - posted on 04/12/2016

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Because most people can't imagine ditching their children for a decade... She has been out of the abusive relationship for NINE years... while still leaving her son to be raised by someone else and not fighting for him then... But she went on to marry some other guy and have another child w/ him... all while her son was being raised by someone else... and now that the boy is ELEVEN... NOW she wants to fight for him and rip him out of the only home he's ever known just because she gave birth to him.


Really think about that for a few minutes...

Dove - posted on 04/12/2016

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No one thinks she should 'give up' on her son, but taking a child out of the only home they know just because you finally decide you want to have them back... is selfish. Being a parent isn't about what you want... it is about what is BEST for the child. If the home that the boy currently resides in is a stable home environment... ripping him out of that for the mom's selfish desires would be cruel.

She should absolutely still have a relationship w/ the boy and get legal visitations established, so that everyone knows what to expect... but to drag this boy out of his home would be about as bad as me sending my teenagers off to live w/ their father. Life as they know it would be OVER... and I could never do that to them.

Ev - posted on 04/12/2016

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Cheyenne--The best she can do for the time being is to get a relationship established with her son and then work towards getting visits going and so on. But to take a child from what they know all their lives is very hard on them and can cause the child a lot of issues in the long run. She made those choices herself. The child did not ask for that. A child should not have to suffer the choices the parents make but they always do. I know from experience how that works. I made a choice to let my kids live with their dad because I did not want them to worry about who was going to have them in six months or when it would happen again if we continued to go to court for custody. Then for the next 14 years they watched their dad remarry 2x and then they had to deal with 2 step moms (second one is still in picture) who did not really care for them. It is really the best interest of the child, not the parent's desires.

Cheyenne - posted on 04/12/2016

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That's true but I still don't think she should give up and the only person that she owes an explanation to is her son people can change 😊

Ev - posted on 04/12/2016

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Cheyenne--Eleven years is a long time for a child. If a parent that had them gave them over to another family member and it was supposed to be temporary and it ended up being over a decade and then the parent all of a sudden wanted this child back, how do you expect a child to feel about this being taken from what they have known for years. It would be upsetting at best. I can see why her sis and mom are not so adamant about his return to his own mom since they raised the boy this long.

Sarah - posted on 04/11/2016

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If this were a situation of you leaving your mom and sister with temporary guardianship for a year or two AND you were visiting him the whole time. I'd say go for it, you are his mother and you have not been stripped of your rights. Now, in 11 years how many times have you actually parented him? Not just visited? He must be 12+ by now. What would be best for him? I absolutely think he should get to know you and you two form a relationship, but for him to leave the family who raised him?
Mom and sister had no right to tell you you could not see him over these years. I guess I wonder why has it been 11 years before you pursued this.
Let this serve a word to everyone who is asking family to parent temporarily, get it done legally!

Tamiko - posted on 04/09/2016

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You have every right to get your son back , you were young and at the time you did what was best for him. It is not too late i will be praying for you

Jodi - posted on 04/09/2016

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I hate duplicate posts too.

And I agree with leaving the boy where he is now. You really have left this pretty late.

Dove - posted on 04/09/2016

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I hate duplicate posts....

11 years... leave the poor boy where he is (unless the environment is harmful to him and/or he is miserable there). The time to get your child would have been 9 years ago when you left the abusive relationship.

Getting a lawyer and going to court might be in everyone's best interest, but at this point I would not fight to take him out of the only home he's ever known... Having some sort of legal visitation schedule would be good, so that there is no more fighting and threats among the adults in his life.

Ev - posted on 04/09/2016

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I know this is not what you wanted to hear but it is the truth. I commend you for at least getting the child out of harms way, giving child support to your mother for his needs, and visiting with him. No one can fault you for the abuse you suffered either. But you did not do this the legal way.
The only way you would have had it legal in the first place was to have gone to get it all done with a judge signing off on the paperwork.
Also, the time frame of 11 years is not temporary. Temporary would have been a few months to a couple of years.
What they have on their side is that they have raised him for 11 years with visits from you time to time. The child support you paid bi-weekly is not going to be counted as child support because there was no order for it. And unless you can prove you paid anything to them to show a judge you did help out with receipts with dates, amounts paid and to whom they went you have nothing to be able to prove.
Only a judge can sort this matter out.

Ev - posted on 04/09/2016

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Still, those papers that you guys drew up together are not legal papers. Its not considered such by a court. So if you want him back you are going to have to find a lawyer to sort this mess out. But they do have grounds because they have raised him this whole time in their home. It was good that you did pay them child support on your own accord and tried to visit as much as possible but that piece of paper will not stand up in court as a custody arrangement as a judge did not sign off on it.
I also understand the abuse issue to a point. My ex verbally and emotionally did that to me for a while before he decided he wanted out. But at the same time I did not go and write up a piece of paper giving him temp custody of the kids until I was on my feet. I ended up having to get a lawyer anyhow as he wanted a divorce. Custody, divorce, child support, and visiation were all done via a court and a judge.
I also do not know how they could legally enroll him in school, take him to doctor appointments, and do other things for him legally since they neither one had legal guardianship or had permission of some sort from you to do so.
But the point is you left him there for 11 years and the only way to get him back is to go to court to do so. But they do have grounds to stand on as they raised him.

[deleted account]

I left him with my mother because his father tried selling him for drugs and abused me! By the time I had the courage to leave he already knew my mothers house as home (he was 2)! I go visit him but when my mother and sister don't get their way with me they keep him from me! I've been threatened numerous of times that I would get my butt kicked if I showed up over there to see him so I try to keep as much peace as possible but its gotten worse!

Ev - posted on 04/09/2016

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None of that counts. In the eyes of the law a noterized paper does not count as a custody order, visitation order, or child support order. Only a judge signing off on things like this would have been considered legal. How come you left him for 11 years? They have raised him this whole time and could have a valid case to gain custody of him. He is 11 years old. This could be considered abandonment.

Ev - posted on 04/09/2016

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Those papers are not worth anything. They are not legally binding. How long was he with them?

[deleted account]

No I just placed him there! When my sister came back I went and had a notary draw up paperwork for temp guardianship!

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