Family Issues?

Melissa - posted on 09/16/2011 ( 27 moms have responded )

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I really dont have anyone to really talk to for advice so il post it and see who answers!

Im married and have a 4 year old son. i use to live in Philly area all my life until i met my husband who lives close to pittsburgh, so i move out here when i was young and been living out here for 6 years. I have no family or friends out here except my grandparents who we live with, and my husbands family are very rude, his mother never comes and see our son ( her grandson) and she works right across the street, but she takes care of her two other grandson, ( my husband sisters kids) there ages are 5 and 3years old. It bothers me so much and my husband does not want to hear it. His dad is the same way, and grandmother. Lately i feel like they all dont like me, no one talks to me ever, i cant work right now because i have a chronic lower back pain, spondylothesis and scoliois, and they dont believe me, they told me that i should get a job and that. Ive been so stressed over a lot and i just dont know what to do anymore. My husband just started working so i dont see him too much and when i do he just lays on the couch or bed and watches tv all day, he hardly helps me with stuff, and my grandparents hardly dont do anything at the house either, so i am the only one who cooks and cleans and very exhausted towards the night. we have one car and my grandparents dont drive, we have to take them everywhere and it gets very hard, they have a old truck but wont get it fixed and my grandfather wont re take his test for license so they rely on us. I'm thankful they gave us a place to stay when my husband lost his job, but its been getting so tough and ive been so annoyed by the way they act and the way they take care of thereselves. They alway blame me for moving out here, but i never told them to move they decided to because the rent is cheaper out where we live and they probably wanted to live where i was so i could do everything for them like i do now. But its been stressing me so much i really dont know what to do about everything?

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Emily - posted on 09/17/2011

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Heyt Melissa. I am sorry to read this, and I sympathize with you. I too went through a similar situation until about 4 months ago. I have lived in Florida most of my life and in Michigan the other part. When my husband and I were married in 2009, I was living in Florida had a great job, great apartment and was happy. My parents were back in MI to take care of my grandparents. However, after we were married my husband insisted that we move to a small town Alabama so we could be close to his parents. We live 30 minutes from the closest city. Soon after we were married I found out I was pregnant. Like you, they did not support our marriage and were not fond of me. Once the baby was born my parents saw our daugther more in the 1st 2 months than they did & they lives 1 mile away. I had complications & was unable to get out of bed without assistance for at least 2 months & after that it was very painful. When I went back to work I was let go from my job because I could not commit to late night hours as they refused to help at all.

So long story short. You are not alone. The most emotional and hardest part for me came when I stood up for myself & told my husband that I was leaving to be close to my family so that I could get family support with the baby and emotionally. I moved to MI in April and my husband chose to come with me. It was the best decision I could have made. By making that simple decision I found my inner strength and I am much happier now even though I am not where I want to be. I would love to hekp support you as I know how it feels to feel alone. My email is emfitchic@yahoo.com

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I hear your frustration. I can tell you from personal experience that as long as you're looking around to what others are doing - you're not looking at what you are doing yourself. You can't change the people around you. Love your husband and your son. That is the best way to get your mother in law to realize that you are the best choice for her son. If she doesn't come around - you are still doing the right thing and that is in itself a reward. As far as going back home - the grass is always greener on the other side of the mountain. Things will never be the same and no one can support you the way you need. Only God can provide the strength you are looking for. He's the answer to your loneliness and your search. Be thankful that you can stay home with your son. Dedicate your life to raise him. Become a "professional" mom. Read about how to raise your son in a way that he will be an agent of change when he grows up. We need men that are willing to take leadership of their homes and our country. That is their true calling. Don't concentrate on what he's doing when he's home - he's working - the minute you start building him up for providing for you and your son - he will start feeling the respect he needs (just like the attention you need) - and he will meet you where you're at. Someone has to take the first step - and it looks like you may have the motivation because you are at a fork in the road. Fight to keep your marriage - I've been married more than 30 years and I am thankful that when I felt like you - I kept on keeping on... Good marriages are hard work - and we have to concentrate on being the right person - instead of looking for the right person. The right person is the man you married - you chose him for a reason. I will keep you in my prayers.

Tonya - posted on 09/22/2011

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Dear mellisa I cried as I read your post I seen my life in your words. I live in buffalo new York and I married my high school sweetheart. This relationship was fine until he proposed then my inlays included my mother n law hated me. I have been threatened and verbally abused. My husband thinks I should be the bigger person. No man has protected or should up for me since my dad died in 1994. I have back issues also I was in a bad car accident in 2004. That kept me from working also. I don't know what programs you have where you live you need support system to begin to accomplish goals to boost your self esteem/confidence and with completion of small things you will know you do greater things. You need to have a tough but much needed conversation with your grandparents 1st and then your husband letting them know that your transformation will benefit the family as a whole.

Marilyn - posted on 09/18/2011

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Hi,
I live in the UK but know what you are saying. Funny how husbands get a job and then think that they should be waited on. Tell him how you feel but make it clear that unless things change you are leaving. If he loves you he will help. If not, you must look after yourself and your child. You are the only one who can change your situation and it probably will be hard and heartbreaking. Don't give in or you will be sorry for the rest of your life. xx

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Sounds to me lke they wont get off their behinds to help themselves because they have you to do it for them. Live your own lives they are old enough to look after themselves and are not your responsibilty

27 Comments

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Melissa - posted on 09/24/2011

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thank you Tonya, I am so sorry too and your fathers passing. You could always email me if you ever need to talk. Starting this week i am gonna change some things and got my first doctor appointment on Monday!! Thanks!!

Ntahli - posted on 09/22/2011

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The only person who can hurt u is ur hubby not that he must but is the one who u can manage his hurt. The inlaws sometimes they have a complex that they want to see you suffer so stop stressing stand up. I know when u dont have someone to talk to is hard but give it a try dont let them spoil ur life.

Ntahli - posted on 09/22/2011

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Melissa u are not alone, u are with God He is always there for u, so dont forget to ask Him to give u strength to carry on. U can move to other place so u know that there is no one there whereas u are here and u expect your hubby's family to assist u and they dont, so please give yourself time to think and decide. To be fair your grandparents should be staying with your unless they are ill or they can not do anything for themselves. I feel for you lady and GOOD LUCK!!!!!!

Vienna - posted on 09/20/2011

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Nothing will change unless to make the effort and create the change. As difficult as everything seems, fond your inner power, get a job and get out of the siuation you're in. No one ever said life was easy but it is very rewarding when you've worked hard for it. As far as his family goes they will never change, if they treat you this way now, they will always treat you this way....its up to you if you want it to to wear on your relationship or move away from it.

Michele - posted on 09/19/2011

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@Emily, Your husband is an awesome man to put his newer family ahead of the family he's always known. My husband is like that too. We are very fortunate! I thank God everyday for my in house family and my extended family! :)

Melissa - posted on 09/19/2011

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thank you, sometime my mom lives with them but she moves a lot. What i notice if we are not here they wont make no dinner for them at all, it will be the sweets she buys at the store. When we lived on our own right down the street from them my husband lost his job and my pay check wasnt making it and he couldnt find a job so my grandparents were like you can live with us, and i was not going to do it but my husband insisted it. But i know i wouldnt want to live with my inlaws it was almost the same situation there like it is now.

LovingMom - posted on 09/19/2011

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Hi Melissa

I do understand how difficult it is to live with family, regardless of being it your family or husband's family - I've lived it both ways and it is extremely stressful, so best wishes to you, your husband and son!

I'm just curious how the grandparents coped prior to you moving in there, surely they coped on their own, or did someone else assisted them in the way that you do now?

Whatever decision you and your husband make, may it bring you all happiness, as this is what you all deserve!

Cynthia - posted on 09/18/2011

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IF & I really mean IF you're not against the idea...maybe seeing a doctor for peace of mind might be a big relief. For all the drama you are going through & having to put up with at this time, some anti-depressants just to give you some calmness, more peace in your mind & patients. Maybe some cognitive behavioral therepy can help seperately or together. Just thought I'd throw out that idea with the intent of being helpful & suggest a possible new idea for you. I could totally be off & coming from a different direction from what you need so I just hope this helps.

Ellen - posted on 09/18/2011

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Good thing you are taking the first step with a doctor's appointment. Taking care of yourself is one of the most important things you can do, which will help with your self esteem, and give you the ability to continue to take care of your son and husband. As for taking care of your grandparents, Annie I. has it right - you can't change other people. Ask yourself this too - what did they do before you came around? Probably the same thing, and they survived. If they hit rock bottom, they have no one to blame but themselves. You guys have hit hard times, and out of your necessity and duty to family took on a big role to try to help them out. Not getting the same in return, aside from a roof over your head, well, sorry, but you're not going to get anything else from these people. One day it may come to the conversation that they need to be in an assisted living home. You need to move on with your life. You're young, and you have much to teach your child, and learn from him - and continue trying in your marriage. Things will get better. God and prayer really do work. Best of luck, Melissa.

Tracy - posted on 09/18/2011

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Is your child old enough for preschool or Headstart and is there one in your area. Getting some time to yourself would definitely help. Tell your grandparents they have to schedule around you so appointments are first thing in the morning for example that way it would not be out of the way if you are already out to take your child to preschool of some sorts. Make out a schedule for yourself and stick to it so that you can post it and that way if somebody wants something you can say sorry but I am busy this is my time to do this check the schedule. If you can relieve some of your stress you will be more pleasant to be around so your husband will enjoy your company more. As it you seem to be venting to your husband to relief some of the stress. Also it sounds like you could be suffering from Depression. Easily irritated, stressed, mad at the world, frustrated over things that are really very small to some but they are huge to others, and now that it is going into fall there is such a thing as seasonal depression which could have something to do with it. Best of Luck.

Jen - posted on 09/18/2011

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You are so young, you have so much ahead of you. Everything that happens to you in live, you do have a choice in how you react to it. I'm guessing you didn't have an idealic childhood. It sounds like you had to grow up very fast. Take the high road sweetie, be a survivor not a victim. Your husband and child should be the most important, as for your Grandparents, thank them for the roof over your head and move forward. The only person holding you back is you. Never expect anything from anyone and never expect anyone to be able to read your mind. Life is too short, find your happiness, keep your head up and appreciate this life that the good Lord gave you.

Melissa - posted on 09/18/2011

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Thanks Pamela, Well im 23 years old, i did drop out of high school because of finding out i was pregnant and i did go back and got my GED. They diagnoise me with spondylothesis, and i do have scolios and also found out i have 6 nerve damange. After i had my son i was having a lot of pain with my back and so after my husband and i got married i lost my insurance. 3 years later i finally get insurance and getting something done right away. i did apply for SSI because i could not keep a job, i would work my best but couldnt mange it, lot of jobs had to let me go. I do go to a free clinic for my back and they suggested i get surgery. I can walk or stand but i cannot bend for a long time. I do clean the house as much as i can or cook because there is no one around here to help me do anything unless my husband is home. But towards the night i am in severe pain and the pain leads to my legs. I did ask social security if i can find something easy for me to do like even drive clients to doctor apointments or something (i use to do that before) but the answer they give me is you applied for SSI because you cant work, you need to watch yourself! I've been waiting for disability since sept 2008.

Pamela - posted on 09/18/2011

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Living with the family of one's spouse can definitely be stressful. I am not familiar with your medical problem and you didn't mention your age, so it is difficult to assess what your medical problem might mean.

If you are doing all of the housework then perhaps your back problem isn't as bad as it may seem to you. Has a doctor stated that you shouldn't work? If standing on your feet is not an option for working can you find a position that does not demand standing all day?

You did not mention your level of education which would affect job hunting but it is obvious that your emotional state is difficult right now and that it is affecting all that you do.

Is there a minister nearby or a Women's Center where you could talk about your problems to someone? What about your own family and the telephone. I often speak with my friends who are my confidants over the phone or by email as we live thousands of miles apart. I live in Hawai'i and all of my family and the majority of my friends live on the mainland. I too suffer from isolation and when I do, I realize that it is my fault for not making friends where I live. Though I don't have any confidants nearby, I do at least make contact with new people and pursue friendships.

Do you have any neighbors whom you could learn to confide in? There is always a solution to this kind of problem but you must make the first step to solving it for yourself. Check out resources in your area. Obviously you have a computer so you can also check out sources for help online. Just remember that we are only as far away from help as we choose, especially in this day of automated communication.

If you take your children to a park to play there are other mothers. Find a source of friendship close by and build it.
Good luck in your endeavors.

Melissa - posted on 09/18/2011

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Thanks so much, all you ladies are great help!!





I finally got health insurance, as of this month i have 3 doctor appointments set for my back! I know its tough right now but i know i will make it through it. The only thing that makes me worried is once my husband and i and son move back to my hometown, i dont know what is going to happen to my grandparents, like they have no one out here besides me to help them, and my husband keeps telling me when the time comes we are just gonna get up and move and leave then behind. I know i probably can do it but they will be against me. My husband told my grandfather so many time to get his truck fix even offer to help him with it and that he will take him to get his licenses but he never does, so we atleast tried to help them.

Debbie - posted on 09/18/2011

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Hi Mellisa, I'm so sorry for all the heart ache you're going through. I will pray for you. O.K. here is my advice. I am married for 25 years, 3 kids, & my husbands family, some of them have treated me & the kids the same way. Your family nedds to move out of your grandparents house. They are using & manipulating you. And using there home or a place to live for you & your family over your head. Or if you can't move right now you need to sit down & make some boundaries & stick to them. But you need to move out asap. So instead of going crazy & driving your self in to a maybe emotion wreck if your not their yet. Look into a support group called Celebrate Recovery, Please give it at least 6 weeks of trying. And also, i have lower back pain also, & scoliosis, try on line exercises. I do go to a chiropractor & have to do exercises to strengthen my abdomen. If you can't go to a doctor look online for exercises or just call a chiropractor & get some advice on exercises. Or your family doctor. Get some professional advice & exercises. I know, easier said than done. But start doing things for yourself. And get involve in a church & make some female friends. Look up a group called MOPS, Mother's of Preschoolers. It's a group that meet at christain churches, once a month, & the kids go into rooms with other moms to babysit, while the other mom's do various things, crafts, listen to guest speakers. And it's FREE. Try to get a job to work from home on the computer. Tell you grandparents your done doing the chores around their home. Give them a week to find someone else & start doing for yourself. You need to stand up for yourself. No one else is going to do that. You're being a door mat. I know how you feel, I did the same thing for years. The celebrate recovery was life changing for me. It took awhile, but It was worth it for me. I hope this helps you. Please keep us posted. And look to Jesus, & never stop praying! :)

Lori - posted on 09/18/2011

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I am sorry you are going through this. It is difficult with no support and no other family to help/cheer you on. I am only an hour away from any family, so I can sympathize with you. As for struggling financially, I hope I can give you an option. I live in Canada, but the States has more opportunities than here. I work from home doing customer service. My husband works full time, but staying home with the kids is what I really wanted to do. It is just a little tight. So as I said I work from home doing customer service. Many companies are now allowing individuals from home to log into their system to work. It is all done through the Internet. It is growing very fast. I work for a food company,but I have heard of hotels, etc doing the same thing. You should look into it, to see if it is a right fit for you and your family. Good luck on all your decisions, and hope you have the strength to do what is best and right for you and your son and husband.

Andrea - posted on 09/17/2011

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Well u have to find sum way to get the back problem solved and than get a job so you do not have to depend on any one and if his family does not want to c your son that is there lost. But you need to talk to your husband and trll him hos u feel and that u r really sad if he cares than he will help u get thought this k and if u need some one to talk to my email is drea5183@gmail.com

Melissa - posted on 09/17/2011

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Thank you Emily! I'm glad everything worked out for you! Its very tough when your alone. Katherine, we actually live with my grandparents, we did have our apartment but my grandparents been bugging my husband to move in with them, and so we did to help them out with a big house. But they never do anything, i'm the one stuck everyday doing the cleaning the cooking and buying everything. My husband and I are having a tough time right now, he lost his unemployment in the beginning of september and he could not find a job until now at a temp agency, and the income isnt helping much at all, I wish i could help him out and get a job but I am waiting on my SSI to come through when i applied for it back in sept 2008. They told me it is pending right now and i am hoping it will be good news, because with that money i get back i am planning on moving, but i dont know what to do with my grandparents, how they dont drive, they wont get there truck fix, i really hate to live them alone out here but i really dont know what else i can do, ive been helping them almost my whole life!

Katherine - posted on 09/17/2011

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Well, I guess Emily summed it all up. Sorry you're going through this. Do they live with you? If so there is a time, for your sanity, to kick them out. Or like Emily said move.

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