Family needs to back off and know there boundaries.

Crystallynne - posted on 01/08/2016 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I am 31 year old, never married) single mom who works and comes come every night. I don't go out. I don't date. I work side jobs when and if available. But my father and stepmom don't seem to think that I take care of my 2 year old daughter (3 in April) the way I should. Nor have the lifestyle behavior that they think I should have. Let me just say, my daughter is healthy, happy, she's in an excellent daycare, wants for nothing (not that she is spoiled), eats healthy, and is extremely smart. I do not give my daughter sweets, not do I let her run in the house, I occasionally give her yogurt or one small bite of a cookie or something. They say I'm too hard on her, that I don't talk to her right, to relax let her play. Really? I understand they don't want me to make the same mistakes they did but this is my child, whom I love more than anything and ALWAYS puts her first and foremost. I may have made more than a few bad choices after I turned 18, drugs, alcohol, partying, and also getting in trouble with the law. And yes I have a few beers some nights after my daughter is asleep. But hello! Wake up! I am not that same person. I go to work and come home and play with my daughter, cook her dinner, give her a bath, lay with her, etc. I care about my daughter and yes I might be struggling a little bit right now cause of a month I was out of work, but she is still taken care of. They keep saying to me that if I keep up my behavior that I'm going to lose my daughter. My stepmom even went as far as saying that she hopes I have a document that says who takes care of my daughter if anything happens. And then has the nerve to turn around and inquire about taking my daughter to her house (which is 9 hours away, but still in the same state) for a week. My only thought was "are you freaking serious? After saying that I'm not good enough, that I'm still in my old ways, and that I don't take care of my daughter the right way". I love both of them but am absolutely not comfortable with them taking my daughter away, my fear is that I'm going to a judge or court up there in claiming that I do this I do that the concern for my daughter's well-being they need temporary custody, and then Bam I'm stuck in hey court situation trying to fight my daughter back and try to prove that I am a good mother when I am a good mother. My biological mother on the other hand is really cause in the batting anxiety attacks. I'm letting her get to me. Her role as a grandmother I believe crossing the boundaries.for example she called me after she has my daughter once a week and tells me what she did with my daughter that works the best. And when he's around and I'm trying to talk to my daughter and tell her no and explain to her why and try to discipline her, my mother always always intervenes. I've asked her not to but she still continues to do so. Tries to tell me I need to switch daycare's to her convenience for picking my daughter up once a week. My daughter likes to sleep in bed with me. I don't mind. But my mom seems have a problem with. When I talk to her in the morning she asks if my daughter slept in her own bed, I reply no, and she gets this nasty tone saying "why not". My opinion, it's none of her business, this is my daughter! Also when my mom calls and I don't answer 2 seconds later she texts me saying "trying to call you". It's all bitter and nasty about it. I mean I am a single mom taking care of her daughter by yourself without asking any help from my family, I do you stay busy. But heaven forbid when if she takes my daughter on Friday night and I call and call and call and call and no response. I mean she has my daughter, so shouldn't she answer my calls or answer my texts?? And if I try and talk to her about it she gets all defensive, saying she's busy taking care of my daughter, what does she think I do all week? One more thing, this has been driving me insane ever since my daughter started staying overnight at my moms once a week. She reminds me every time before I drop my daughter off she's out of pull-ups or out of wipes, always having me provide them for house. Why do I have to provide for her house as well. I know it's my daughter but she's the one who wants to take her overnight. She should start supplying for her own house. Especially since money is extremely tight for the next month. Im exhausted and need advice!! Honestly I just feel like moving away and not leaving a forwarding address and change my number and only call when I want. But I know I wouldn't do that. How to I put the everyday communication between my mother and me to just a few times a week?
Desperately in need of some grandparent boundaries. Need help.
What can I do about my nosy, intervening, bitter bio grandma?
And what advice on letting my daughter go to stay with my dad and stepmom for a week.

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/09/2016

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OMG. Clearly your mom loves you very much, but yes she NEEDS boundaries. Do you see a therapist regularly? May be ask him/her how to address this? I am such a blunt person, that my ways maybe won't be the right way for you.

It DOES sound like you need a break from everyone. Perhaps sit down with them and let them know that you appreciate their concerns, but you have your life together and you are doing the best you can for you and your daughter. That you don't need to be scrutinized for everything, and you need a break from them all. Let them know the stress they are causing you.

Crystallynne - posted on 01/08/2016

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Thank you. I appreciate your words. Was happy to get at least one reply. Always feel like I'm alone. I mean do have a select few friends and when I say a few I mean like 3 in this entire town I live in that I do talk to but they can't relate. They're married. Have each other for help and support. So it's nice to have other people talk to. I actually stumbled across this site because I was researching online Florida laws about kids being taken away cause accused them of being unfit. Just need a break but really not sure how to tell my mom and my dad and my stepmom that there are boundaries and they need to respect them and then go over what I won't stand for. For example, my dad and stepmom were here last week, staying in my house, and yet both of them separately brought up my behavior and past mistakes, saying that I still lie to them, they think I must just party all the time or something and have money and time to blow. I didn't appreciate that. I felt disrespected in my own home. And not to mention my mom stops by whenever she wants without calling (which is rude whether you are family or not, it's just common courtesy to call first) she knocks once and then just walks in. If I don't answer she just comes right on in, um there's a reason I'm not answering the door, busy or don't want to have you over right now. For example, I had to friends over and their vehicle was parked in my driveway, you couldn't miss it, she comes by unannounced, my daughter, myself, and my friends are in my pool. Next thing I know one of my friends asks who is that standing there, I turn around to see my mom just watching. She said I knocked but no one answered! So that's ok to just come on my house and try and spy on what I'm doing and who I have over. And she said she was just stopping by to drop something off. Ok she could've left it on my enclosed porch. Then she asks what we're up to, told her we were going to grill out and she made this comment "and I wasn't invited". Um no, I am the one trying to live my life instead of depending on my daughter as my sole companion. Besides not like she has me over when she grills out or goes out to eat. Anyway, so instead of her leaving. She sits down and invites herself to stay. (For the record this was several months ago when I was talking to someone, so it was him and his brother over). She starts asking them questions like it was the third degree and I was 16 and had this attitude smug look on her face that made my friends so uncomfortable that they left without us grilling out. I'm so over it. My mom gets really pissed when I don't tell her every detail of my life. I have mentioned to her that I don't have to tell her everything and she flys back with something about our relationship communication lacking and then gives me crap. Accusing me of hiding something that's going to blindsided her. News flash, it isn't always about you mom. Last week I was having such a bad anxiety attack and it was all cause because of stress about her. All these things were adding up. It got so bad that I had to leave work in the middle of the day and go to the ER and then call my therapist med doc and tell her what was going on and she prescribed me a med that isn't a narcotic (and for the record I haven't taken any narcotic drugs since 2006 after my accident). So mom calls me later that night and I was very short with her. She asked what's wrong and I told her just a very stressful day, and she asks who and I say just cause. She gets all mad that I don't flipping tell her. Good grief! I love my mom don't get me wrong but I can only take her in small doses in person. She calls everyday and will show up if I don't answer after she calls over and over so I can't dodge that I guess. In my eyes I know my mom didn't have a great childhood and she has issues, but I'm not the one she should be leaning on 24/7. I already have my plate overflowing with my own stuff. She can be extremely bitter and defensive yet she says everyone is so defensive and impatient.
Back to the stepmom, when she was here she actually said that she believes that I sell my prescription meds! One I don't have any narcotic drugs in my house or possession, two the only meds I take are for my thyroid, and depression. Hmm wonder how I got depressed. And then she brings up my anxiety attacks asking over and over why do I have them. Basically insinuating that it's all in my head. By then I'd had enough, I turned and asked her "have you ever had an anxiety or panic attack"? She didn't reply. My stepmom has a son who is a year younger than me but married with 2 kids, a house, etc. and my dad adopted my sister whom is also married... Now do you think they talk to any of them like they do me? Or butt into their lives so much, or criticize or accuse them of anything yet alone make them feel worse by basically saying hey your a failure and a loser and an unfit parent..HELL NO they don't. So why can't they just back off. Exhausted and drained from all the stres and degrading.

Seriously just want to escape. Can anyone give me their thoughts or advice on what to do?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/08/2016

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Oh HELL no is what I say about your daughter going with your dad and step mom. HELL no. Invite them to stay in YOUR home for a week. Tell them you don't want to be away from your daughter that long. Neither of you are ready for that. Don't discuss it further. They bring it up, change the subject.

As for your mom, all I can say is that she raised you the way you want. Would she have liked her parents telling her everything the way she talks to you? Did they do that? How did that make her feel? Just turn it around back to her. Remind her what it is to be a first time mom. You are supporting your child. It is YOUR decisions. If she doesn't respond to your calls, maybe she shouldn't have your baby over night.

Let your baby sleep with you as long as you want love. Nothing wrong with that. Not one bit.

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