Father is back in the family picture

Leah - posted on 05/04/2016 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I found out I was pregnant when I was 23. My daughter's father and I didn't know each other well. Ill admit that we were not responsible or prepared for a child. Upon finding out I was with a child, things between him and I got rocky. We didn't know each other like we thought we did. There was trust issues and I did not try hard enough to keep him around, as its not my responsibility. It was rough but we always stayed in contact. 5 years later ( daughter is now 5) we came together and decided to try and be a family. I had moved out of state because my family was so controlling about everything. So when he moved in with us things were a lot easier without family opinions. Mostly opinions of us not being married, therefore we shouldn't be together. My family even tried to tell me to stay away from him. I tried to listen but I never agreed with them. My mom left me when I was a child and my dad was left to raise me. When my mom tried coming back into my life my family kept me away from her. I have always resented my family for doing that. My mom died when I was 18 and I never got to know her.

So my point is, I have allowed my daughter's father back in our life. It has not been easy for us, but we are 9 months strong as a family. There are challenges though. For example. My daughter likes dad around when he spoils her, but when dad tries to show discipline she will tell him that he needs to go away. She only wants mommy and no daddy. Again, when dad takes her fishing and buys nice things, she loves him so much. But when she acts out at school and goes home and is in time out by dad, she will tell him she doesn't like him anymore. I have explained to her that dad is the boss too, like mommy. I told her that dad is not gonna leave and he is staying now. Things have improved.

Another issue is that around the time he came back into our lives, we switched pre-schools. There was a lot of transition all at once. So now we have horrible behavior at school with acting out aggressively with yelling and spitting and kicking. We are baffled because we never see that behavior at home. I feel like my daughter and I are really opened with talking. She says that the girls at school are mean to her. I brought this to the teacher's attention after my daughter told me that a girl said she was gonna cut her hair off. The teacher said my daughter is a fibber. I was so upset.

So I have a lot going on in our family. I see how dad coming back into the picture can cause some problems with our daughter at school. However its been 9 months and things at home have improved while things at school are not. Is there any advice or any other mother out there in my situation?

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Sarah - posted on 05/04/2016

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if your daughter were acting up in other areas i would be less inclined to intervene. Something is not right for at school, whether she is not getting along with the girls or she is having a hard time with the new setting; she is unhappy.
If you could get an outside assessment like Dove suggests, that may shed a lot of light on the situation. You'd have to try to keep it from the teacher though as well, she may act very differently towards your child when she is being watched.
In this era of school violence i would think if she actually said she wanted to kill everyone; you would have been told. Especially if another kid heard her, then went home and said 'Jenny want to kill us all'! It would not have just blow by unnoticed.

Dove - posted on 05/04/2016

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It may be time to bring in outside counseling for her... or request that a third party observe her (w/out any of the children knowing that it's about HER) during the day to see if they can discover where this behavior is coming from.

A counselor outside of the school might be able to help her sort through whatever is upsetting her... whether it IS the other kids or some internal struggle. The fact that the teacher said your daughter said she was going to kill everyone is a sign to get outside intervention as soon as possible. I do not know if the teacher is lying or if it was your child actually saying that (though you would 'think' something like that would have been in a report), but it doesn't seem like you are going to get any legitimate answers just through the school.

Dove - posted on 05/04/2016

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Her telling her father she doesn't like him when he corrects her misbehavior is normal. My own 8 year old son is mad at me pretty much on a daily basis simply for the fact that I get after him for trying to not take care of his own responsibilities (doing his homework, taking a shower, brushing his teeth, etc...). He is bound and determined to continuously assert that just because I'm him mom doesn't mean I can tell him what to do. @@ Frustrating!! lol

I'm not sure about the school issue. Did the teacher look into the situation or just immediately call your daughter a liar? Is there a person higher up in the school that you can address the issue with? Not to try and prove that your daughter is right (because she MIGHT be lying), but someone to talk to all the girls and see if they can't figure out the reason for all of this...?

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JoJo - posted on 05/05/2016

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I recently am transitioning on moving my 2 year old from outing out behavior at school as well, but when i asked my daughter she said the girls pull her hair and she doesn't like it..


when i brought it up to the teacher all she had to say to me was that my daughter pushed her classmates.

something definitely was off...* my daughter is bi racial and the only one with kinky curly brown hair.

Leah - posted on 05/04/2016

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Sarah and Dove I agree. I'm defiantly going to bring counseling into this. The fact that she didn't write in the report about my daughters threats to the class, and mentioned it after we were questioning her, seems like she was saying it out of spite. Not to say that I dont believe or take serious the fact that my daughter would say something like that. But why not bring it up? we could have walked out with the report with no questions and would have been clueless about it. It was not until we started pushing back and asking them, why is our kid acting up? We dont get this behavior at home. We cant correct an issue if we dont see it. We are taking your word as our daughters daycare provider and we are working with her. It really upsets me. All the other teachers seem to be fine with her. Its always these two ladies in the evening shift that writes her up. all the reports are dated around the time those teachers work. My boyfriend had to discipline my daughter for hitting her teacher. It was so disappointing, but he said the teacher seemed so upset and took it so personal that she almost cried when she told him. We felt bad but we also thought it was weird that the teacher was so sensitive about it.

Leah - posted on 05/04/2016

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Thanks for getting back to me Dove. For the school questions. So we have been working with the teachers and taking their word for it. At home we have taken privileges away and gave consequences of her actions. We made sure to explain to her why. At home she does great. She interacts outside of school with other children with no issues. People who know my daughter are surprised when I tell them. Its not like her to be this way. Still we took the teacher's word. Yesterday however, when the teacher gave us yet another write up, my boyfriend, daughter's father, sternly and respectfully said that this was getting out of hand and there has to be another reasoning behind our daughters behavior besides her just acting out for no apparent reason. I then added that my daughter tells me that the little girls are mean to her and one girl told her that she was gonna cut my daughter's hair off. The teacher said that my daughter is a fibber. then she added, (this was not on the report that she had already written up, she said it out of frustration) your daughter said she was going to kill everybody! I was shocked. At that point the director over heard and asked that we speak with her in the office. We explained how we have never witnessed this behavior and we dont act hostile at home. We are very respectful to our child and to each other. arguments are held in a privet place away from our kid between dad and I. I feel like they think we are bad parents and they have ruled out our kid as horrible and treat her differently. I think its encouraging her to act out.

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