Father is uninvolved, should I do something or leave things as is? Is it right to not want biodad around?

Ariana - posted on 10/07/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I got pregnant with someone about 7 years older than me when I was 17. He has 2 other children that he acknowledges (older than mine). I told him I was pregnant and he basically came at me that he didn't even know if it was his (typical deflective answer, completely unjustified) and stopped talking to me. My family did not want him involved so I never did anything and at the time secretly hoped he would willingly become involved once the baby was born.



I was pretty immature at the time, thought he was a great guy. Sometimes he was great but in reality he is kind of a loser. He used to do hard drugs and when we knew each other he was pretty much drunk or high (off marijuana not hard drugs) every night. He has bipolar and I'm pretty sure ADHD or something. He's very intelligent (IQ wise), can read faster than anyone I know. He can be very sweet/funny nice.



Of course he also loses his temper easily, drinks/smokes weed, blames everyone but himself for his problems. Lies right to your face, twists facts, throws pity parties for himself. Is selfish. He's great to your face and stabs you in the back.



I accidently saw him (I still talk to his parents and one sibling) and he got all 'oh that's my kid'. I ended up talking to him about three times with him saying he wanted to see my son, and I let him see him twice thinking he was interested. It turns out that he was talking to me every time he broke up with his at the time girlfriend (mother of first child). I think he did it to make her jealous and take him back. I got less and less trusting of him every time I talked to him (like first time totally thought he was genuine, so dumb). I guess I've had to mature from who I was before and I don't just fall for every line he drops. The last time I told him I was done, I'm not going to play this back and forth with my son. He's getting older and I'm not going to have him see some man saying he's his dad and then claiming he's not, it's not fair to him.



His biodad tried to talk to me and I blocked him off facebook and ignored his emails (I don't use my old email anyways). He said he wanted to talk seriously but I can never trust him.



I feel bad for my son, I want him to know a father but I don't really want him to know HIS father. His dad is manipulative and can be kind of crazy. I don't want this man being the most important role model in my childs life. I like not having to worry about living close enough to his biodad and running every decision by someone else. On the other hand my child is growing up without a dad, without ever knowing him even though I do.



I know there are situations where people who give their child up for adoption can see their kids a couple times a year. Maybe if he agreed to terminate his rights I could let my son see him 3 or 4 times a year supervised by me or his parents. If he terminated his rights could he change his mind later and go for custody or weekends or something? Once you terminate your rights isn't that final? Or can he backtrack?



I don't want child support and I don't want him to be fully involved, I just want me son to know where he comes from and possibly be able to meet his two half-brothers. I don't want to have him see his biodad all the time though because he's such a sweet boy and I don't want him to be influenced into acting like that.

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Gwen - posted on 10/09/2012

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I'm not questioning whether or not you know who the father is. If the father is not going to be physically present in your son's life, he at least needs to be held legally and financially accountable. By having paternity established, you have legal grounds to pursue child support and have legally binding custody orders. You could ask the court to establish supervised visitation rights. Document everything. If he fails to have any contact with his baby for another 6 months-year, you can always go back to court and ask to have visitation rights suspended.



I understand where you are coming from. My ex is not violent or anything, but has 2 older kids with his first wife and 1 (same age as our daughter) with his 3rd wife. He lives with that one, and takes the older 2 over school breaks, etc. but only visits my daughter about 4 times a year, for a few hours. When she asks about him, I just give her basic answers and keep my own feelings out of it. Like if she says "Let's go see my daddy." I just tell her "Honey, your daddy lives pretty far away." You can't make biodad want a relationship with him. All you can do is make the opportunity available and let him either take advantage of it or not. It's not your responsibility to pursue it.

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Ariana - posted on 10/08/2012

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No, there's no paternity test or child support or visitation. My sons only met him about 3 times and that hasn't even happened for almost a year now.



Obviously you don't know me, so you can't really know how reliable I am, but he is for certain the father. I was not sleeping with anyone even close to the time I was with him, we were sorta together for about a year and a half. He ran off and claimed it wasn't his kid. Then, as I said, he started using my son as a way to get me to talk to him and then once he didn't need/want that anymore he would change his mind and say 'oh no it's not really my kid' etc.



The last time he contacted me he said he wanted to talk seriously, no games, but I was fed up with the back and forth and didn't want to chance it. I wanted to know if it's worth my while trying to find out if he can give up his rights so that maybe my son would be able to see him occasionally without me having him involved on a full-time basis.



I know it sounds kind of selfish, but he's kind of like night and day. One minute he's this sweet guy, best dad ever, totally understanding, and the next moment, within the same day, he's suddenly an angry, uncontrollable, asshole who only cares about himself.



When we were together I was 16 and he was like 23 and he told me he'd smoked weed and blew it into his youngest sons (at the time) face. He's totally wacked out. He tries to come off like he's totally changed but he says that and then something happens. I don't know if he's changed and I'm not willing to put my son in trouble for some guy.



I really would like my son to be able to know who his dad is and be acknowledged. It's not fair that this man has two older children he acknowledges as well as a new baby with some other women he plans on taking care of and yet he's ignored my son and messed around to no end.



I guess you could say I want my son to know where he came from without messing up where he's going.

Gwen - posted on 10/08/2012

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Do you have a court order outlining custody and/or visitation? Have you ever had paternity testing and child support established?

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