Father n son fighting

Lily - posted on 08/29/2014 ( 8 moms have responded )

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My husband has always been not on good term with our 19yrs old son.they started having fights at home till the stage that I have to call the police to help. Just over any small issue they can start a shouting match n then start fighting. It got so worst that my son doesn't want to come home and my 18yrs old daughter wants to move out to stay on her own. My husband has been unemployed for many years.The children is aware n do not respect him cos not only did he did not support the family he used to drink a lot, coming back home drunk n pick on our son that's why their relationship has always been bad. Tried talking to my husband n even threatened to leave him doesn't change his temper. I couldn't divorce him as there is no one not even his own family will accept him. He has no where else to go but now my daughter can't stand her father fighting n his bad temper at home. She wants to move out. What should I do.

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Michelle - posted on 08/30/2014

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You do realize that he is abusing you as well. Just you thinking he will die if you kick him out is his way of controlling you. He is making you feel guilty.
He's an adult and can make his own choices. You aren't his mother, you're his wife and deserve to be treated like an equal, not a slave!
Your husband is ABUSIVE to your children, how can you stand by and let him keep doing it? Your children are now adults and can make the choice to leave the abusive situation and I don't blame them. You have stood up for the abuser over your children.

Jasmine - posted on 08/29/2014

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my grandma is going through the same issue where she pays for everything and cleans the house takes care of all his needs and costs and she gets nothing in return but a guy who is drunk all the time and tries to steel money from behind her back! i have stopped visiting her and am now only seeing her outside of the house [which is hard for her to move around]. i don't think you deserve for your family to be driven away for someone who dosent seem any good for you. somtimes people can be afraid to be alone and may think that what they have is the best that they can do but im sure you can do much better!

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Dove - posted on 08/30/2014

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Life is all about choices. He's a grown man choosing to abuse his wife and children and choosing to abuse alcohol. If he chooses not to get help... that is not on you. If he chooses to drink and not work... that is not on you. If he chooses to not take care of his medical issues like a grown man.... that is not on you.

If you stay w/ him... that IS on you whatever the consequences of that choice are. You can NOT make everyone happy. Happiness is a choice that each individual must choose for themselves despite their circumstances. You have zero control over your husband's choices or happiness and you have zero control over your children's choices or happiness. The only person you have the power to control is yourself.

I really think you need to be getting yourself into counseling and to an Al Anon meeting asap. You need some clarity in this situation to discover what really matters to you and to get yourself emotionally healthy and strong.... no matter what happens.

Lily - posted on 08/30/2014

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Everyone is pressuring me. My husband will die if he leave me. He has no where to go n he is also sick with high blood n diabetic. He has no money to see the doctor. Do I chase him Out to die after 20 yes together. My son who exactly has the same bad temper as him wants to stay away from him. My daughter who hates both of them fighting wants to stay out. He does loves our daughter. Cook for her breakfast n send her to school 2 to 3 times a week when she wake up late. I just want the family to be together but it is so hard to please everyone n no body understand. It is easy to leave but everyone to leave must be able to live independently n happily. There are good times there are bad times so cos of bad times do I leave n don't care whether my husband die or not . Am i wrong to keep on trying to found every way to solve this situation so everyone can be happy. My husband just say this to me last night in a calm way, maybe he should die to please everyone. Do i dont care n say "Yes please do" or i keep on trying . In marriage i believe whether good or bad we take care of each other. If he die how am I able to live with myself that he dies to make us happy.

Dove - posted on 08/30/2014

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You are making excuses for him. Your daughter has already said she doesn't want to live w/ him... so how 'good' can he be to her? If he has a temper when he drinks and he drinks at ALL... she does not deserve to have to live w/ that. YOU are hurting your daughter with your actions (or lack thereof).

I get that you don't have the money to pay for her to live somewhere else.... but she shouldn't have to live somewhere else to be safe... yet that is the situation you and her father have created for her.

Lily - posted on 08/29/2014

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He used to drink 3 times a week but has already cut down alot as he doesnt have much money to drink n when he do he will throw his temper. When he is not drinking he is good to me n my daughter but he just doesn't get along w my son.

Lily - posted on 08/29/2014

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Thank you Dove. Agrred that this might be the best way, My son is going to stay wmy mum so i have no worries. My mum place is already cramped with my sister n her son. My daughter she is in her last year studies . To find her a room to stay w all expenses is about 1k a month currently i am the only one working to support the whole family and also giving allowance to my parents who are retired. Every month is already financial toll on me. My daughter says she will borrow but 1k monthly is just not possible . Still she don't believe me..

Dove - posted on 08/29/2014

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Either leave this man, so your children will feel safe... or help them leave. They are both legal adults now and should finally be free to live in a home environment free from abuse. If you do not want your relationship w/ your children to be permanently damaged I suggest you help and support them through this.

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