Father of Baby Left Me 7 Months Pregnant For Another Woman

Rachael - posted on 09/20/2015 ( 4 moms have responded )

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This is my first time posting but I feel compelled to tell my story and ask for advice from the community.

My baby's father left me when I was 7 months pregnant while I was living in Alabama with him. I was originally from Michigan and had been living with him when I found out I was pregnant.

He broke up with me after a fight we had one night and told me he wanted to be a 'team' even though he didn't want to live with me anymore. I had no family or friends in Alabama and made the difficult decision to move back to Michigan and have my baby there.
I left at 37 weeks pregnant and my family had to come down and move me back to Michigan. I was constantly wondering why he left me and thought he must have found someone else.

When I delivered my baby in Michigan he drove up from Alabama and was in the delivery room. Because I still loved him I put his name on the birth certificate and hyphenated our last names (big mistake).

I soon came to find out that he had been dating a younger girl since we broke up (when I was 6 months pregnant). I also found out he brought he to Michigan when he came up for the birth of his son. He held my legs while I pushed and helped take care of me in the hospital all the while his girlfriend was in a hotel room nearby. He recently admitted to dating her and admitted to her coming to Michigan. He finds nothing wrong in her being there and thinks it's OK that he found someone else.

Now he wants her to meet my son of 2-1/2 months. He says he loves her and wants to marry her. She wants to meet me and become my friend. She says she will help take care of my baby with my ex. Her and him think it's great for my son to have multiple moms in his life.
He has only been with her for 6 months and I don't know how to respond to him. He says he is getting
a lawyer and says I took his son from him and he could never love me because of that. I only left to protect myself and my son and to get help from my family.
I feel so lost, hurt, and frustrated that a man I loved and trusted would do such a thing to me. I am the mother of his child and he can't even respect my concern for our son meeting his new girlfriend; he is so young and I can't handle another woman taking care of him...

Please, if anyone has advice on how I should proceed with him, I would appreciate it.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/20/2015

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"how are they ever able to in my sons life"? Different state or not, it doesn't matter. The man has a right to a relationship with his child, the CHILD has a right to a relationship with his father, and the sooner you accept that, and let things be worked out, the better off you will be.
For you, it will NEVER be the 'right time' for the child to know his father, but that is not ok. When DO you think it would be appropriate to start? When the kid is 1? 2? 5? 10? I'm finding, for most single mothers, they'd be simply thrilled if dad wasn't so damned pushy...I'm sorry, Rachael, but it is NOT FAIR to the child to withhold him from his father, no matter WHAT AGE the child is.
The facts, as you have stated them are: 1) you and he broke up. 2) he indicated that he WANTED TO BE A TEAM (co-parent) with you 3) YOU CHOSE TO LEAVE THE AREA with his child. You didn't indicate whether or not it was with his prior knowledge, but if he did not know, then, yes you DID remove his son from his access after birth. 4) you, at this point, are not willing to let him have involvement with the child. 5) The child's father's name is on his birth certificate. This was NOT a mistake, as you indicate, but a proper filling out of a LEGAL document. I'll point out here that not having his name on the BC means nothing, because it's the DNA that matters, not who's name is on the paperwork.
As I stated., make sure you have LEGAL orders established for custody, support, and visitation. No, it is not 'too soon'. It is NEVER too soon to get things legally sorted so that the child has a stable life, whether it be in one home with two parents or in two homes with one biological parent each.

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Sarah - posted on 09/20/2015

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The post is all over the place, I am cut/pasting my response:
First, the name on the birth certificate is a moot point. He IS the dad right? Then you are supposed to name him on the BC. By not naming him you are preventing your child from benefits he would get if the dad was disabled or died. It is not like if you left the name off the BC you'd have some sort of power to keep the baby from him. All he'd have to do is petition for a DNA test and request to be added to the BC.
In the mean time, are you you getting financial child support? If no, file now for support. You are both obligated to support his baby until age 18. Finally, custody and visitation; I suggest you get a mediator or work hard together to work out an agreement. He (just like he is obligated to support the child) is entitled to parent his own child. What he does, or who is there when the baby is with him is not up to you. You may not like it but you can't dictate the terms. If it comes to a judge, you may end up with 50/50 arrangement. Work with him, it is for the best to compromise and parent together like grown-ups. Now, of course if he or she poses a threat to the baby's well-being it is another mater.

Rachael - posted on 09/20/2015

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But he lives in another state...How do you think he and the other woman are ever able to in my sons life? You think I should get used to it? I feel like it's too soon for this all to happen, don't you?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/20/2015

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Get an attorney. Make sure paternity is established, get custody and support orders established, and get a visitation plan established, and abide by all court orders.
You cannot control your ex's choice of relationship, and if he does marry this woman, she is going to be the child's stepmother. You need to get used to that idea, and that he probably WILL have another female influence in his life. No big deal. What is more important? How much LOVE AND CARE the child is receiving, or your jealousy over the other woman?

I kind of figured the post was going to end like this. You can't make the choice of whether or not to allow him to know his child. He's got that right, and so does the child. Children are amazingly flexible in that regard, as long as they feel loved.

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