Fathers

Tonya - posted on 03/10/2011 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My son's father use to live with me but he have a drinking problem so I told him he couldn't stay here anymore. He keep saying he wants to be a family but he can't do right. He is 43 soon to be 44 and can't seem to stay out of the bars. He wanted to see our son on Sat of course he didn't make it so he wanted to come on Sun again he didn't come so on Mon i told him no. Now my question is he asked again to come this weekend I said no, what should I do? I think he will do the same thing he did lasr weekend get drunk and can't make. Im tired of the games he plays.

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Carolyn - posted on 03/10/2011

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Casey has some great suggestion how ever i do disagree with 2 points.



You need to set boundaries, and stick by them, It is not fair for you and your son to be couped up all day waiting for him to possibly show up, regardless of wether or not he knows he may be coming. By continue to say yes after he doesnt show up you are basically telling him you have nothing better to do than wait around for days on end until he finally decides to maybe show up.



You need to continue with life as usual and get going on things. You offer him one day and time, that you are comfortable with spending the afternoon at home, that he may come visit. If he doesnt make it, you havent put your life on hold by any means.



Dont further enable him to keep abusing your willingness to be available. Set limits, and he can come on your terms, not his own. If he cant show up than that is his problem and your life isnt suffering for it.



You also need to make it clear to him that you will not allow him around your son intoxicated, or even having had a single beer. He needs to be of proper mind and hygene when he visits. Any infraction on this will result in your revoking these visits until he receives treatment for his alcoholism.



if your tired of the games, stop playing your part in them. Put your foot down, be very firm and clear, and follow through with what you say. Otherwise its useless and you can expect the same behaviours.



He needs to take responisibility for his alcoholism, but you need to take responsibility for what you will allow to continue to happen in your own life.



the other thing, You will not send him further into drinking or depression. Alcoholics look for excuses to drink , and are the sole owners of their feelings and choice to continue to drink. So please do NOT think that your standing up for your family and setting some ground rules will "make him drink and more depressed" he does that of his own free will, beleive me.



Sending messages like that to spouses and children will only make the issue worse, as they will most likely continue to engage in enabling behaviours and " walking on eggshells" around the addicted person. They are the masters of their own demise, so if it isnt something you did or said, their excuse will be that their shoelace broke, or their socks dont match... its rationalization and justification of negative behaviours to make themselve feel better about their choices.

Blackwood - posted on 03/10/2011

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The only way he may recieve help is through AA or counciling, he won't beable to do it on his own. My father has a drinking problem and he was in and out. I think it's sad when a child gets there hopes up and doesn't follow through. If you feel it's important for your child to see his father, then it's hard. I no longer have a relationship with mine and throughout the years didn't have much of one. I never once faulted my mother for her decision, we had hard times, but I always knew she did the right thing. You could tell him that he had a three stricts he's out and he will not be taking your son anywhere if he does show up. Let him know he's already used up 2 out of the 3 chances. Don't tell your son, so if he doesn't show up then he won't be sad. Also let him know that you are not holding your child from him, but until he gets real help then he can't be a positive part of his life. I just want to stress to you that again never faulted my mom. She made the right decision and as I grew up when I wanted too see him, she would support it, when I didn't she supported it. I knew my dad drank at a very young age and as time goes by he gets worse and worse. As an adult I made the decision to be done with that relationship.

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Lisa - posted on 03/10/2011

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Hi! ok so im sorry but im going to have to disagree with Casey not because she didnt give u good advice but because thats not going to work! Im a recovering alcoholic and have been in A.A for 5 years Iv been there done that! So First things first u need to go to alanon they will answer all ur questions and lead u into doing the right thing for U and ur son! When it comes to alcholism everyone loses especially him! When he says hes coming trust me really means hes coming but once he takes that first drink its game over and he sits there says " what the hell happened" cause he really wanted to go I know he did I hear it everyday in A.A! So ur gonna have to cut him off let him hit a "bottom" we dont change cause we want to we change cause we have to and that means losing everything! Its hard but in the long run its gonna help u and ur son and thats whats the most important right now! So U help U and stop letting his disesase affect U cause its not healthy for anyone! so hope the best for u I know how horriable we alcoholics seem but were not all bad we just need to be sober!

Casey - posted on 03/10/2011

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First of all this man needs help, he really needs to get himself into AA meetings and attend regulary to help him stay sober and I realise you can't make him go as he needs to take responsibility for his addiction but maybe you could get some phone numbers and stuff for him and suggest that he goes if he wants to continue having any kind of relationship with his child.
I don't blame you for not wanting to play these games anymore it's not good for you and really not good for your child to be let down all the time but him, however if you say no to him then it's probably going to send him further into drinking and depression, instead I would say yes but I would stress on him that he must come and that he lets his child down everytime he doesn't show up, I would also not even tell your son that his father might be coming to see him to avoid disapointment if he does show up then thats just a bonus.
I know this is hard on you and it is his problem not yours but the best thing to do is to try to support him and offer encouragement and try to convince him to get help but sadly he has to make the decision here.

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