Fathers and patience with special need children.

Ana - posted on 04/01/2016 ( 13 moms have responded )

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My 12 year old son was first diagnosed with O.D.D. When he was in the 4th grade.
He is now 12 and that diagnosis as now been changed to Asperger. My husband has a very hard time not getting into verbal fights with our son which also leads to my husband getting physical with him. I am afraid to leave them alone because of my son's mouth and my husband's temper.
Are there any fathers out there who can relate but also give my husband advice?
Thank You.

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Sarah - posted on 04/03/2016

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If your son ever discloses to a teacher that this has happened, CPS will get involved. That may be the very best thing for your family. It is not punishment, it's help. They have the power to make you hubby move out until he gets anger management classes. A safety plan would be in place and everyone could get help. Anyone can call anonymously.
Back to the waiting list, why is your son not getting services from school. By federal law they must, evaluate at your request and offer services at no cost for your child.

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Dove - posted on 04/03/2016

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Press charges against the jerk for assault. You are allowing him to terrorize your children. Stop it.... or you are just as guilty as he is.

Ana - posted on 04/03/2016

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I have tried to tell him that many times.
I time when I was at work he was trying to help my son with his piano lessons. Well that day my son was not doing well and he threw the music sheet on the floor, my husband became so enraged that he picked up my son and threw him against the heater as he yanked him to his room.
What made that even worse was that my 10 year daughter could not get out the way fast enough and got stepped on in her stomach both by by husband and my son trying to get away.
He was gone from the house at my request for a few days. He promised that he would never get physical again but he has not kept his word. My son has not gotten physical with us as yet. He threatens to hit me but I always warn him that if he does he cannot live with us. Now I never leave them alone since I work that takes a lot of planning. As soon as I hear raised voices I go running from fear of my son getting hurt. My husband is over 6 foot and 250 pounds.

Dove - posted on 04/02/2016

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If my husband were behaving like that I would let him know that the next time he hits our preteen child he would finding himself under arrest for assault. He can seek help for his behavior or get the hell out of the house. As long as your husband keeps going at it like this w/ him... his behavior is not likely to improve very much.

Ana - posted on 04/02/2016

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Unfortunately I completely agree sadly.
At times even when my son is o.k he says or does something that completely sets him off. My 29 year old daughter says that my husband does not give a dam and she believes he does it on purpose.

Ana - posted on 04/02/2016

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He suffers intensely when television and video games are removed but if you have other ideas that you feel will work better please list them.

Thanks

Ana - posted on 04/02/2016

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Waiting list unfortunately. They Diagnosed him but had no space. The private ones were charging $400 hour.

Sarah - posted on 04/02/2016

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Ana, a reward system is not discipline, its motivation. As soon as your soon deems his behavior not worth the reward, he will not comply with your system. External motivation will work in the short term only and you need to work on his long term behavior. Dad has got to grow up and not engage, your son knows exactly what to do to get under you and dad's skin. Typical, SN, spectrum whatever. hand down some stiffer consequences and you will likely see an improvement. why did it take two years for you to see someone? Do you live in the US?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/02/2016

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Then your husband needs parenting classes to help him not be a complete asshole.

Ana - posted on 04/02/2016

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My son is disciplined, we have a reward system. If he calls us names, etc he looses points, if he does not earn enough points he cannot watch tv or play video games on the weekends. It works if you use it but my husband instead of reminding him and warning him about loosing points goes at it with him. My husband ends up physically hitting him and calling him stupid and butthole back.
So the system falls apart.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/02/2016

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Your son, even though he has been diagnosed with Aspberger's, still needs to be disciplined, and he still needs to adhere to rules and consequences. Believe me, this is NOT that hard! My eldest is on the spectrum.

You and dad both need to learn how to parent without inciting more of a situation, and your son needs to learn how to handle discipline.

Therapy all around would be recommended.

Ana - posted on 04/02/2016

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Everything. My son is very disrespectful. All day long he calls us stupid and tells us to shut up or threatens physical injury. When I notice him getting angry I am learning to just be silent until he calms down, but my husband throws gas on his fire and my son does not back down. My home is sadly a war zone. After 2 years on a waiting list, we are finally going to see someone. I can deal with my son's outburst most of the time but my husband making things worse or starting the explosions is what I have the most problems with.

Sarah - posted on 04/01/2016

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Arguing with a preteen, even a completely typical child, is pointless. Your husband has got to learn to not engage. Does your son see a behavioral therapist? If he does, then that is where I'd turn for help. Dad needs to learn ways to respond that will end the conversation rather than starting an argument. What sort of things do they argue about?

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