fed up!

Marti - posted on 08/30/2016 ( 10 moms have responded )

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OK.. I am a ftm with a 1 month old son. I am looking for advice because idk how to go about this. Any advice will help! I had decided to get a part time job, in the meanwhile, I had my bfs mom babysit our son while I was at work. Mind you I just got this job, and I loved it! One day when she picked me up from work with my son, I got into the passenger seat, and asked her if he had a blanket on him? Not thinking she'd be this dumb! But it was 86° out, and she has no a.c. and all the windows weare down! She said yea, I glater at her in disbelief, and quickly reached back and pulled it off of him! I asked her why she out it on him? And she told me "it was a mistake " that it was cold in her house before she left to get me, that she thought he would be cold. Now, my son could've died! From getting over heated. When we got home, I took him out of his car seat, and his hair, and one she I put on him was soaked in sweat! I stripped him down, and gave him a cool bath. Now.... another thing that really has been bothering me is, she has precisely told me, that she DOES NOT need my permission on where she takes my son while she was watching him. That if my bf is in the sane vehicle as her, that she doesn't need my permission cuz he is there with him. That she knows what she is doing, and that she's his grandma, that if "anything bad was to happen to my son, "that is when she will give me a call". Idk wth to think about this! I need outside opinions.. I have brought all this up to her, about how pissed off I am about her putting a blanket on him in hot weather, she just tells me over and over she knows what she is doing, that she has 3 degrees in being a medical assistant,.tthat she has 5 kids. She goes behind my back and messages my bf saying, that "I'm no expert on how to raise an infant!" In which I haven't tried to be. She's sending him messages, asking him to come over, so "they can talk" another thing.. the last day I let her watch him, she told my bf that he drank a 6 to 10 oz bottle. I told him bs! That he gets full on only 4 oz! And he knows that. (Another thing) my sons car seat has always been behind my seat in her van when she picked him up to watch him. One day last week, I opened the door to her van to see it sitting behind her seat? I asked my bf why she moved it? And he said Idk. I brought ALL this stuff up to her, and she responded very rudely to me. She even had her 12 yr old daughter message me, asking why it was such a big deal? OMG! it's only a seat! I'm over protective, that I need to take it down 20 notches. Another thing, is that I don't even know until after the fact, that she takes my son places, one day when she picked me up from work, she was going about saying how she took my son to village inn with her.and her bf. But yet i dont hear anything from her all day! doesn't even ask me. Instead she messages my bf at work, about how he's doing anad everything, and I don't hear a peep! Sending him pictures of our son to him while watching him, and not me. I get nothing. Anyone go through any of this with your mil?? I need another persons perspective, please!

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Sarah - posted on 08/30/2016

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You are overreacting. You have to decide if you want to work or to be with your son full time. I know you love your job, so if you choose work then you have to give control to whoever is watching your son while you are not there. A blanket on a baby is not going to kill them. Yes, it may make them hot, but maybe she was right and forgot to remove the blanket when she put him in the car.....I have done the same with my kids. Yes, she is going to go places without checking in with you. You are at work. She is grandma and they are having fun. And yes she is reassuring you that "if" there was ever a time you needed to be called she would call you. I do day care and do not check in with each parent if we go to the park or do something fun in our day. I will tell you about our adventures when you pick up at the end on the day. If you are wanting this control then a better place for you is being at home with your son then you have all say. Car seats move, maybe it was easier for her to get baby in and out. Or maybe it worked better for her daughter to arrange them differently. You probably get no pictures because she is afraid of what you will pick at that she is doing wrong. No one is going to do everything just like you do. You have to trust that they know what they are doing and your child will be just fine.

Michelle - posted on 08/30/2016

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I agree with the others.
If you aren't happy with the way she looks after her Grandson then put him in Daycare or stay home with yourself.
You are lucky you have someone willing to look after him who is family, stop nitpicking everything she does though. I have raised my 3 children by myself and also worked full time.

Jodi - posted on 08/30/2016

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I agree with the others - most of this stuff is nitpicky and overbearing. There isn't a single person that is going to parent just like you do - if you don't like the way she looks after your baby, either quit your job and look after the child yourself or find someone else. I'm also a bit concerned that you don't even trust your own boyfriend to parent appropriately - he gets to make decisions about the baby when you aren't around because he is the father.

Dove - posted on 08/30/2016

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You sound kind of overprotective and paranoid. Perfectly normal for a first time mom of a newborn... but not exactly helpful in this situation.

If the baby's grandma is w/ the baby's father during outings... what is the big deal? He is the FATHER and your boyfriend.

If you really don't trust her... you either need to find other childcare arrangements or quit your job.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/30/2016

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Listen, as a new mom this is typical. But really, you have to understand he is the father. He is a parent also. Not just you. She clearly feels more comfortable talking to her son, the father than you. She SHOULD shoot you a text, that is just courtesy, but if you cannot be looking at your phone, it doesn't really matter. I honestly think it is your attitude that prevents her from talking to you about things. It sounds like she gets defensive. She is not new to being a parent. Believe it or not, after 5 kids she knows how to keep them safe. If you don't agree, then don't have her watch him.
You HAVE to let your boyfriend parent his own child. Not everyone is going to parent your baby exactly the same as you. Does that mean they cannot take care of him? If your answer is yes, then quit your job and stay at home as a FTM.

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Sarah - posted on 08/30/2016

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Ok, I read all of the replies and the only thing I want to add is that you are only a month postpartum. Your hormones are not back to normal and you are still recovering from having him in the first place. Every single thing you said exactly how you are supposed to feel right now. Your instinct is to hover your offspring and swat and anything that comes near him. As he gets sturdier, and you get back to yourself, you will likely look back at this post and see that you are a bit off the charts. I suspect we all were off the charts (I was for sure) when we had our first baby! I know you enjoy your job but maybe it would be easier if you waited a few months and then left him with either grandma or a sitter. Like everyone said, no one will parent like you will but he can be adequately protected, nourished and entertained by others when you cannot be there to do it yourself.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/30/2016

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Oh, and the car seat? At least she is using it! I had to limit my mother's babysitting until my kids were old enough to be out of one. My mom refused to use one!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/30/2016

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OK. This is your first child, and you are naturally going to be over protective and nit picky.

If you continue this route, you will have no one to watch the baby except daycare.

I agree with the others.

Are you paying her? If so, is it comparable with what you would pay a facility? Do you honestly expect her to put her life on hold and stare at the same four walls every single day while you work?

She is, after all, experienced. She has raised 5 kids to adulthood.

Do you trust your boyfriend? If not, why not? He's got as much experience as you do, at this point.

No one is going to do everything exactly the way you do. You cannot control every aspect of every interaction that everyone has during the day. If you have to work, you have to work. You cannot be stopping every 5 minutes to read a text, look at a photo, or micromanage want your caregiver is doing. If you need that much control, be a full time mom, and quit your job.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/30/2016

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Oh, and about the car seat, as long as it is properly installed, and rear facing, why does it matter??? It is so much easier for the driver to have the baby seat on the driver side. You are making a big deal over nothing.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/30/2016

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Ok, so a lot of important stuff going on here and a lot to respond to.
First off, are you living in her home?
Secondly, do you seriously expect her to stay home all day?
Thirdly, do you pay her?
Fourth, are you allowed to be texting and talking on the phone all day at your job?
Without these answers, there are a couple of options here:
1. Stay at home, quit your job
2. Put your child in day care so you can work
3. Sit down and have an adult conversation with your babies grandmother
4. Talk with your boyfriend AND her and have a reasonable discussion about expectations on BOTH your parts

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