CHELSEA - posted on 06/09/2016 ( no moms have responded yet )
I feel horrible about the way I've been feeling lately I mean I really hate myself. I've raised my babies by myself since they were born the father never had naything to do with them at first it was great I had unconditional love and they made me a better person they opend my eyes and I owe my life to them I had my first when I was 22 I never went out or socialized I had a complicated pre baby life so they gave me life. Now I feel my soul has healed and I find myself wanting to have friends and go do things like I never was able to before but I cant because of the kids. I live with my mom and she helps every now and then but I dont think she realizes my state of mind. I go to work and have daycare for them but when I get home Im just a mom I do nothing I go no where I dont even know who I am anymore. Ive never felt this way before I feel like a horrible person for even thinking this way but I cant help it. I realized that Ive wasted most of my life Ive never had friends or hobbies only toxic relationships. I started reasing books a few months ago on phycology and different things about life. I live in vermont its so beautiful here. Yesturday was my day off Im getting my car fixed so i was just home all day and had a horrible i mean horrible day i woke up at 8 and poured myself some wine I havnt drank in 6 months! I could hardly function I was horrible to the kids all day I hardly even played with them just did my own thing i felt so bad so mentally i couldnt handle it. All i wanted to do was go outside and go for a hike but i couldnt because i have them . I know I have so much potential for finding thing sso that i can be happy on my own and be a better mother to my kids but at this pount in time I just feel like I need a break. I get that when you have kids theese are things you need to think about but I thought their father would be there to help me and right now he cant even see them hes never helped me for anything. Im on teh verge of a mental breakdown and Im afraid if i tell my mom how i feel shell just kick me out i feel if i talk to anyone about how i feel theyll turn me in to dcf or just bash me with no help or advice im literally hanging my a thread i feel like crying now as i write this,. I love my kids but I wont be any use to them if Im mentally hurting to the point where I just hate everything. I put on a good face but no one really knows im dying inside. Im screaming inside.