Feel guilty, as I lost my children in a court battle with my ex-husband

Ruth Chapman - posted on 10/04/2013 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I feel so guilty all the time, as i stupidity agreed to allow the court judge to have the final say on who my children should live with and what school they should attend, as me and my ex husband could not reach an agreement, after nearly eighteen months of court appearances. now a year late, i am still racked with guilt and cant get over the fact that I have lost my children. I now live 80 miles away and try to visit at least once a month, but it is so hard. My ex keeps phoning me to try and involve me in what is happening with the kids, but it breaks my heart everytime I have hang up the phone or say goodbye... I feel like the worst mother in the world, and I just dont know how to carry on.

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Jodi - posted on 10/05/2013

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Nelida, I wasn't being harsh at all, I was asking a number of questions and was curious as to her reasons about her lack of visits to her children. She has answered that, and it is totally understandable. I was trying to offer advice. There really is no need to call me out if you are only here to also be helpful. I never called her or even insinuated that she was a bad mother.

Let's face it, Nelida, we are all from different parts of the world here, and you can read into my post whatever you like, it is only your perception.

Nelida - posted on 10/05/2013

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Don't feel guilty at least your able to talk to them and you seem to try the best you can to see them also of cours the judge has the last say but that dosnt mean your a bad mom don't ever think that of your self and as for Jodi you always seem to have a harsh comment on everyone's post relax it a little will yah jesh

Ruth Chapman - posted on 10/05/2013

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when I went to court I had no lawyer, but my ex did, and yes the judge gets to make the final decision but i was asked if i would agree to the judges complete decision, and i never thought that he would insist that the children live with my ex so that they could attend a school in his area.

We were arguing a lot, over everything... I moved away because I had to give up all the benefits i was getting when the children lived with me, this included the housing benefit for the three bed house and child benefits etc. i was left with just £50 per week to live and housing benefit for only a single person, which wouldnt cover the rent for a larger house. Because of this and because of the stressful situation with my ex, i moved away, i was travelling every weekend to have the children but my ex complained that this was too much and i agreed to cut my visits down to every fortnight.. unfortunately i was then involved in an accident and was unable to work, putting me on minimal benefits. i got into debt and was spending my bill money on travel, and no i have no money and cant afford the train fare more than once a month. its been a hard journey, i do speak to the kids at least twice a week, but i cant get to see them as i would like. I am trying accept this situation, but feel that everytime I tell someone new that I have two small children that live with their dad, i am judged as an unfit mum. I think that is the biggest problem...

Jodi - posted on 10/04/2013

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I'm a bit confused. The court judge gets the final say whether you let them or not. The decision of the judge has nothing to do with what you allowed or did not allow. What makes you think you had any control over that?

However, having said that, why did you move so far away from your children so as only to be able to visit once a month? My husband lives 250km (150 miles) away from his son and sees him more often that that.

It is sounding like maybe you need some counselling. It would really help you in coping with the situation. You shouldn't look at this as losing your children, but rather, just being the non-custodial parent with visitation. You need to make the most of whatever you can get with your children and demonstrate to them that you have made the effort to be with them.

Just out of interest, did you have a lawyer when you went to court? Did he?

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