Feeling like a doormat

Lynette - posted on 07/05/2016 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I've been married for 8 years. I have 3 boys (26,23,15) my husband has 3 kids as well! We decided to have a baby together and we were blessed with my first and only girl, who is 5. For the past 2 years my husband makes plans for 2 of his kids to visit without telling me. Or should I say: he tells me they are coming! Now mind you he works an hour away, leaves at 3:30 am and don't get home till 7pm., then in bed before 9. Now this means I have to take care of my step kids all day and night. I just think that is so disrespectful! He feels he does not need my permission! I'm a teacher so, I'm off in the summer! And of course she wants to send them for every break that I have knowing my husband can't and don't take care of them or get to spend time with them. So,he talks to his ex and his mom, then let's me know once they've decided when and how long they stay!
It wasn't always like this! For the first 3 or 4 yrs, he always came to me and we would discuss when they would come and how long they would stay, but it stopped once his ex kept them from talking to him or visiting for a year and a half! I don't remember why? But I'm sure it's because he didn't take them when she wanted him too! Ever since then, I'm never considered! Last August, his ex begged him to take full custody cause she can't support them.. Blah blah blah!! Which she has done many times before , well this time he told her(because of his mom) he needed it in writing . Long story shirt, I told him and his mother she is lying ! She will not give up that child support nor the disability check his son receives! I told him don't send a bus ticket until she sends the papers to you. well she made the kids call and tell him they were starving toplease send them food. Now mind you, she has 4 other children, gets at least $800 food stamp,welfare for the other 3/4, plus my husbands $400 or $500 child support, and $700 disability check. She never works, just lives off the state, and her kids money! When they visit, we have to buy shoes,socks,clothes, underwear,etc, toys, you name it! Well, he listened to his mom and sent them bus tickets! I told him get them legally! They stayed until Thanksgiving and his ex received child support,food stamps,and disability check for them and they were not even there! Never sent them anything! In other words, we had to buy uniforms,tennis shoes, school supplies,etc. make a long story short, it was hell!! The little girl is sweet ,the son has a behavior problem and don't take his meds along with ADD. He doesn't listen to me, stayed suspended, ordered over $300 worth of porn on his grandma cable bill,$100 at my brothers, and $40 On our bill! My husband did nothing! Didn't punish him, nada!!! He also leaves at night walking down the street whenever he gets mad! I have no say so and can't discipline him!
Well, they have been trying to come back since April ! My mother in law finally on my side, told him she don't blame me for not wanting to keep the boy,because he can't ever stay with her and that's her blood!! My husband told me My kids are coming! I'm like what?how long? When? The rest of the summer!! How can he agree to this and knows that it will be just me taking care of them,plus my 2 !! I suggested that we take a vacation and go visit them by getting a hotel, swim, shop, for about 3/4days. He tells me no, they wanna come here! So I said,"they are kids, they have no wants!" He begins to yell at me, tell me I don't want his kids here, tells his friends and family that I won't keep his kids!! I know for a fact that their mom is planning on leaving them again,so she can get their money and not have them!!!
I told my husband if u won't visit them,I'm sorry! I cannot commit to that again! And indefinitely !!! He told me," my kids coming and I want to see you put us out!" Which I'm not going to do, but I am going to leave! He and his mom don't care what I say! That is so disrespectful!!! Mind you his mom went get them one weekend, then dropped them to me! Didn't ask if I was going anywhere, just picked them up and immediately dropped them to me! I fussed at him every day, telling him, why couldn't she at least ask me? Why do she and my husband feel that because I'm the step mom that I have to take care of them whenever and for however long they want them!!! I don't get it??? I'm afraid that my marriage will end! I'm tired of his ex doing whatever she wants to us, when she wants! He never stand up to her! Why can't he just say look I have no one to keep them while I at work, so I'll have to come see them? Mind you when they stayed with us for 4ms, he would come home later than usual and even volunteer to work on some Saturday's , not too be bothered ! She came to pick them up to go visit for a week, but his mom made them pack all their things! She called fussing at him telling him I just wanted to visit with them! He had nerves to say I shouldn't have sent them back! Really? And I forgot to mention we live in a 3bedroom,so space is an issue, and his son stole my sons $100 tennis after my son gave him a pair! Really? II'm sick of it!

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Ann - posted on 07/07/2016

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There has to be some boundaries and guidelines set with his kids. Since it seems like he is not listening to you have you thought to get a third party in to hear both sides? As I was reading, I was wondering when you guys do have the kids and the support is reversed and given back to your husband. If that happens, more than likely some of the issues will be resolved (she may not want the kids there as long). This is your home, and standards need to be set. You both have to be on the same page. There is a saying, "And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart." I think of a three strand cord as something that is so strong that no one can break it. If you and your husband as a couple are so strong the mother of his kids, the mother-in-law and the kids should not be able to break it. If there is no harmony, nothing will work. Your husband needs to know that you are not the enemy. If not the kids will continue to have the benefit of doing whatever they want without any repercussion. While I am not in a situation where I have step kids, I was reading this article that I think will help. You are in my prayers. Let us know what happen.

http://bit.ly/1rdwesU

Michelle - posted on 07/05/2016

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It sounds like your husband needs to grow a set and stand up for his rights.
Is the child support court ordered? If not then he really needs to go to court but you can't make him. He also doesn't have to pay child support while the children are with him.
Is there anywhere you can stay when they are visiting?
It sounds like there are a lot of issues here and you really need to decide if you can continue the way things are or move on.

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Michelle - posted on 07/06/2016

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There are plenty of people that watch porn and they don't molest children.
I agree to keep vigilant but unless there is reason to suspect it then don't assume.

Sofia - posted on 07/06/2016

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$300 worth of porn. I don't want that around my daughter. Keep your eyes open

Michelle - posted on 07/06/2016

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Sofia: where did you get the idea of sexual abuse? Nothing in the post suggests it. This is the daughter's half brothers you are trying to keep apart!

Sofia - posted on 07/05/2016

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Yes a lot of issues and I can only say that your husband has a responsibility to be there when his kids visit. The court will NOT look favorably upon a father who is not around for his visits. You might want to tell your husband that.....or make an anonymous complaint to court. As well. I would not want these boys around my 5 year old girl. Sexual abuse--asking for trouble.

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