Feeling like the worst mom that ever lived.

Alicia - posted on 10/24/2014 ( 15 moms have responded )

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I have two boys, my first is two and my second is one. I am (unexpexpectedly and insanely) pregnant with twins about three and a half months. I know i should have been more cautious not to get pregnant so soon but here i am. I feel like i am at the end of my string because i know i do so many things wrong all the time, and all i want to be is the opposite of who i am right now. i get chronic headaches and i am always tired, i have back nerves that are pinched and make my hips go out, so i cant walk downstairs to do laundry most of the time and i cant even stand up to make dinner some of the time, almost never get housework done and its disgusting here. My fiance is almost always working not even getting home until maybe 9 at night most nights, and he doesnt begin to pretend to understand how i feel (if anything he makes things worse because he tells me to just get over it and complains that i dont clean or do enough for the boys). He firmly beleives in spanking and smacking as punishment ...for everything and even though we argue about it, ive resorted to it too. i love my boys more than life itself and i cant stand that i have no patience and that i always feel like i cant take anymore. i hate myself for it because all i do is sit and scream at them and when that doesnt work i try timeout or i resort to spanking or hitting the hand.sometimes i think i am mad at myself and i unintentionally take it out on them.. i know what im supposed to do i know that im not supposed to yell and feel this way but i do and i cant seem to control myself. ive gotten so angry at points that ive lifted the older of the two up so hard by one arm that i really questioned if i hurt him seriously. honestly i just feel like dying and starting again but since i know thats not an option, i try to tell myself not to let it happen again and to start fresh from that moment on. but if that worked i wouldnt be here desperate for advice. i try so hard i really do but i am guilty of the yelling and the hitting and i dont want to turn into my mother who was either worse or as bad as i am. i am guilty of feeding them crap food so i didnt have to get up and cook dinner or distract them so i could just cry. there doesnt seem to be more than one day now where i just dont cry, cry because i feel like the worst person ever and that my children are better off without me, cry because im always taking shortcuts, cry because i barely have any sort of support, cry because i know im depressed and i cant take anything to change it, and they see this so much more than they should and sometimes it makes them cry. i feel like im missing out and ruining the most important pieces of their life. please help. and be honest toward me please :(

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Sarah - posted on 10/24/2014

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Wow, you are in deep! is there anyone you can ask for help? You will need it after the twins arrive. One suggestion at a time; if your boys sleep through the night then you go to bed when they do and get some sleep.
I can bombard you with suggestions but try to work on one area at a time. Clean for 30 minutes. You can get a bathroom done and then wait til the next day to do 30 more.
Also, meal planning helped me so much. I would plan the whole week and shop all at once. Simple, hot dogs, chicken breast, spaghetti, for me it was much easier to tackle a meal if I didn't have to think of what to prepare.

Cherub's - posted on 10/25/2014

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Mom I thought about you and you need some immediate concrete - can do today - answers to your problem, with my youngest a decade ago she would play quietly in her playpen ...provided that she was prior fed, changed and played with or read to by me, she played quietly for an hour or more and once or twice she fell asleep in her playpen. My Toddler boy will do this now, as I sit on the sofa and read/do homework, he last for about 45 mins on good days. I know he will eventually grow out of this but i'm enjoying getting things done. So Mom, get a playpen, if you can ( buy two ) or get them donated freely by placing an AD, do so. Change will be new or difficult at first but may offer you the rest time you need to recharge for your boys.You have to put something in to get something out. I suggestion what I did for my daughter or some activity you can do with the boys make a birdhouse - any toddler activity (sprout tv on cable or youtube can help you there) that will get you excited about teaching your boys... paper plate caterpillars that they can paint or use crayons,,,whatever give them lots of praise and you show excitement its contagious...then put them in separate playpens - babies like their own space most of the time even when dealing with other babies - but close by or apart (opposite ends of the room) whatever works to give you alittle bit of rest to recharge....also make sure there are nothing in the playpens that they can swallow or tear and put in their mouths or sharp cornered that they can fall on. Use precaution and good judgement. Crib may work for the youngest, in a pinch provided he cannot climb:(, but playpen is best. Once a day should give you the peace of mind you want. Good luck Mom.

Cherub's - posted on 10/24/2014

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I understand your difficulties, with some medical insurances they offer counseling and transportation to and from doctor visits, check with your insurance...I do know babysitting may be an issue, continue looking for a way. I hope for the best for you and your babies. In the meantime improve what you can, every small step counts... to waking up with a smile, making your self feel beautiful to reading to your boys and babies in womb or watching a youtube video Baby can Read together. A different thought or action brings a different result each day.Good luck Mommy.

Cherub's - posted on 10/24/2014

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I am glad you are reaching out. The worst thing you can possibly do is to remain silent and isolated. Its also helpful to be open to good sound advice. I agree you do need some counseling, parenting is not easy and without any resources ( family, church group, community outreach organizations and freinds) its very hard and overwhelming. Are there any Mom groups in your area or free drop off time for Moms, I know that most churches offer that service. Get some help please, its out there. I am a mom of four and without the help of my church it would have been much harder for me. If thats not your thing than there are other resources for you Meditation Centers and even your Doctor can give you outreach numbers. Hang in there and the sun always shines on another day.

Linda - posted on 10/24/2014

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You are NOT by far the worst mom ever. The worst mom ever would give up and you have proved that yes you have a lot on your plate and hate yelling and hitting but still can do it and regret it later. You just need to realize that if any other mom had the same things going on as you do they would most likely just give up or already had given up. So pat yourself on the back now because you are a fighter and will fight this good fight until the end!! Just close your eyes breathe and count back from 20 to try and control your anger when ever you feel overwhelmed or anxious. I know it sounds corny but really I assure you it will help you to calm down and take a big look at the situation before you react. I know you may be thinking whatever its easier said then done. Well it is but just try it and see what happens, you might be surprised. As far as your fiance goes if hes working such long hours you have to try and understand him being overwhelmed too. After all coming from a stay at home mom who believe me I have my share of problems too I can relate. They feel like they are bringing in the income in that is paying the bills that keep a roof over our heads, therefore they should not have to come home and do our jobs too. Which is true but they should understand we do get overwhelmed with everything and are stuck with the kids 24-7. We get no brakes. This is where we feel like for the most part we are single moms. So lets run with that mindset because as you and I know if we don't do the house work it wont get done and then we feel more like crap about our lives and they don't help when they talk crap to us when they get home, leaving us feeling completely worthless. So lets just do our best and try and have a picked up house not clean but not nasty either like a quick surface clean and try and have dinner ready so they can eat and shower and shut up lol!! Just somethings I have tried and seem to be working. Well I have to go do my quick things so I don't have to hear no bs later lol. Also the biggest help for me is praying. WE ARE ALL GODS CHILDREN AND WHAT PARENT WANTS TO SEE THEIR CHILD HURTING?. I'm telling you prayer changes things. So from one mom/wife to another stay strong and don't ever give up because better days are coming. Hope I was able to help a little.

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Christina - posted on 10/26/2014

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Just finding this site and taking the time to reach out No Doubt makes you a caring mother! A caring mother is a good mother! You need more confidence in yourself. Please go to a counselor. Do not give any of your negative thoughts the time of day any more! Being negative will pull you down into a dark hole and make you feel like there is no way out. And I think that is where you are now. You have so much to be thankful for. Truly blessed with 4 beautiful children. Write down what you are thankful for and feel blessed. There is light outside of that hole. Being a mother is the hardest job. There is not a mother out there that feels they are the perfect mother. There are an endless amount of obstacles when you become a mom.... What helps me is to put myself in my childrens' place. Try to see life through their eyes. What would you want out of your mom when you were 2yrs, 1yr? Believe me, you will find joy in seeing them joyful and seeing them confident that they have a safe haven.

Linda - posted on 10/25/2014

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Far from a saint she would say lol. She was an amazing person she loved everyone and would take the shirt off her back for anyone who needed. She had struggles bringing us up but she just took it one day at a time and we all turned out okay. She couldn't help our decisions as we grew into adults though. We all miss her like crazy, she really was the glue that kept us together as a family. Since her passing we all kind of separated and went our own ways. Its actually really sad but I guess that's life. Its crazy because when we were young the lives we thought we would have usually don't happen to be the lives we end up having.

Alicia - posted on 10/24/2014

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Im not really sure of what kind of programs and things like that are available, and i cant get to them unless it offers transportation or my fiance is home so i dont even know if it would be possible.But counseling i talked to my fiance about i just dont think we are ever going to have the time to go especially not together. I might end up having to wait until i get a second car before i can try :/

Alicia - posted on 10/24/2014

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Thats very sweet of you, and my mom is really the only one who i ever could count on too and thats mostly because i had her living with me when she broke up with her husband for a while right as my second son was born. So she knew the daily routines and all of what i did. My younger sisters are just about in enough of their own situation too, the one just younger than me is a step mom and works all the time, and the other is doing god only knows what and never even comes to see us. Im worried about her but theres no changing her mind once its made up so we just let her do what she does. Im sorry about your mother, thats an amazing feat, seven children. With one step daughter i never get to see, two babies and two on the way, i cant imagine what that must have been like. She must have had the patience of a saint.

Linda - posted on 10/24/2014

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I'm sorry that is so sad. My mom was actually the only person I could ever really count on and she passed away in 2007. I come from a big family too so its pretty sad I'm the middle of 7 children. The boys in my family are all a little crazy and have their own share of problems, my older sister is going through a very trying time at the moment and my little sister under me has her hands full with being a single mom of 2, and my baby sister well That's enough said she is the baby and happens to be doing better then all of us but has a lot on her own plate also. Wow well if I was close maybe I would be able to give you some help but I live in Ohio. I hope things start looking up for you.You are too young to be feeling all alone and overwhelmed with everything.

Alicia - posted on 10/24/2014

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Well basically i moved back to ny from nc because no one on my fiance's side was really helping me there and all my family said they would help me if i came back so we talked it through and moved back thinking that things would be better than they turned out. And that was before i was even pregnant. My mother just moved about an hour and a half away when she was about 10 minutes away because she wants to stay near my little brother who is 14. So i have a couple of people around who help every so often but more than anything its a bunch of empty promises that i cant really count on. I think most of it is that i dont have a car so im stuck on top of a mountain where i live. I'm actually only 23, just turned in october. But basically the advice you give to clean little bits at a time is what i try to do but nothing has been put in place since we moved into this one bedroom apartment (to be opened up into two by december hopefully) because we dont have enough room and even if we did i dont have the time when i dont have anyone to help. Seems i really got myself into a conundrum that is really my fault but now im wishing i didnt move so far away once again just to be very dissapointed.

Linda - posted on 10/24/2014

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No none offense taken. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. Oh and so sorry for the confusion, of course I meant you are NOT by far the worst mother. Wow, you are only 24? Do you have any family or close friends that can possibly take some time out and help you?

Alicia - posted on 10/24/2014

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Thanks linda hall, and it wont help me to pray in something i dont beleive in, but dont take that offensively, its just my preference... did you mean to write i am by far the worst mother or did you mean not? i got a little confused there at the beginning. im just really scared that after the next two get here i wont be able to deal with anything at all i guess. i cant beleive we will have four babies under three before im 24. birth control made me a raging maniac with a constant headache for weeks and im sensitive to latex or whatever condoms are made of so we ran out of options considering my medicaid wont pay for birth control anyway.
anywho i just wanted to thank you for your advice.

Dove - posted on 10/24/2014

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You NEED to get into counseling... now. Call your doctor and get a referral. You and your family need help before it's too late. You OWE them (and yourself) that.

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