Feeling sad due to recent loss

Ashley - posted on 01/06/2016 ( 13 moms have responded )

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My husband lost his mother recently and I have been feeling really lonely and needing his love and affection but he is so standoffish and i dont know what to do. It is tough for me to even start conversation with him because i feel like he just wants me to be quiet he is on the phone a lot and wont look at me when im talking to him. I dont know how to be more empathetic. i have never dealt with losing a parent but i know that it has to be tough

any suggestions on how to help ease this for the both us? Anyone who has lost a parent can you tell me how long it took you to finally be okay and happy again??

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Sarah - posted on 01/07/2016

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I suffered three huge losses; my dad Nov 1 2009, which was terrible but he was 84, alert and functioning and went to sleep and just never woke.
My twins Nov 29, 2009- Even though I knew they were going to die it was horrible, I was horrible and angry and sad and unkind and distant. My mother is the one who got me thru that awfulness, helped me to realize it was hurting my husband and my living children to stay stuck.
My mother died Dec. 23, 2011- she was in great health, few little issues, 74 years old and she fell and had to have brain surgery and never recovered.
Now the loss of my mom is probably the closest to what you hubby is going thru. Give him some time. I know it seems like his sorrow will not fade, and it won't for a long time. It's been 4 yrs for me now and i still think of her every single day. It hurts hurts terribly, but I do have good memories of her that I can laugh about instead of cry. We often push those who love us the most away because we know they will take it and will forgive the distance we create. As far as a timeline? The first 6 months to a year were pretty bad. After the first year, bit by bit it got easier. For me it waxed and waned, slowly more good days then bad and then a bad spurt, then more good days. I wish I could be clearer, but grief is murky territory.

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Ashley - posted on 01/14/2016

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We have been making the best of it. We hardly talk about her when we are together. It just brings up a lot of emotions for him. It is getting harder and harder for him to want to work everyday. Yes he is a man of Faith and I believe that is why he is handling it better than he should be. He is in peace knowing that his mom and dad and no longer in pain it just gives him great sorrow to no longer be able to call either of them for advice and for help. I am becoming more and more empathetic and it seems that the more days go by the more empathetic i feel and the more i feel sorrow for my husband. At the same time i allow it to fuel my strength for him because I know his mother would have wanted us to be strong together.

God is the only reason we have not left one another. We continue to keep communicating all of our emotions whether we want to hear it or not. We are just being open %100. Praying for our bad luck to end. On top of all this, our car broke down again for the second time. We just spent $1000 to fix a clutch problem and the dang thing brakes again for the same reason going to cost us another $1000 we just dont have. I cant even imagine the stress that my husband is facing. Financial burdens and really not wanting to get up for work being so depressed and sad. I just keep praying. Praying that he gets through this funk. I miss my husband terribly.

Sarah - posted on 01/08/2016

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Is your hubby a man of faith? to picture my mother in God's hands, no pain, no worries made the bad days easier.
If you think he is angry or resentful that you were not there, I do advise counseling to help work that out. You can't change how it played out but you can both help each other understand why it went the way it did.

Amaze - posted on 01/07/2016

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I’m so sorry to hear of your husband’s losses. My prayers are with you and your husband, asking the Lord to give you peace, solace, and an awareness of His presence during this difficult time. How about seeing a therapist yourself to get some clarity on how to best handle this?

Ashley - posted on 01/07/2016

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Yeah i really think he wanted me there. But it worked out the way it did for a reason. It was better that i did not see his mother like that anyways i guess. Today marks one month since she passed away. I cant help but feel like its all so heavy to carry because this was just one month and i have many many more to go.

Sarah - posted on 01/07/2016

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And that's ok. when my sister's and I had to make that choice it was good to be alone with our mother as she passed. Our spouses were not even at the hospital. It's a private time and your last chance to tell your mom things. Even when my daughter's died I was alone. my husband was there for a short time, kissed each girl, took a few photos and left to be with our children. My husband wass alone with is father, who had been sick for ages and in hospice for weeks died. Do you think he wishes you'd been there?

Ashley - posted on 01/07/2016

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Yeah it really was horrible. i just think maybe i might still be in shock because i did not go with my husband when he went to take his mother off of life support we couldnt afford to all go.

Ashley - posted on 01/07/2016

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Thank you for sharing it is actually helping me to understand a little more what my husband is actually going through.

Ashley - posted on 01/07/2016

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Man i was so not prepared for this. My husband lost both his mother and father this year. Both passed due to cancer. He did not really have a great relationship with his father but his mother raised him and his brother since they were babies all by herself with the occassional help of relatives.

So him losing his mother has impacted him the most. Also our relationship too. He told me we have been put on hold and I have to admit that hurts my feelings quite terribly. We have only been together 5 1/2 years and known each other for 6. I wish i would have had more time to get to know his mother. She was an inspirational, strong and charismatic woman. Very vibrant and loving. It is just hard for me to be sad with him every day because i cant wait for us to be happy. Just hurts to see that saddness on his face and in his eyes, knowing no matter what i DO he will always be sad. I was not ready for that heartbreak. I just pray someday he will be able to find it in himself to allow himself to be happy.

Lets pray my husband and I can make it through this together.

Jodi - posted on 01/06/2016

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Ashley, my husband lost his father in February 2015, and has only really JUST started to get back to being his normal self recently. He still has bad days, and that is totally understandable. Christmas was difficult (and you have to understand your husband has just been through a difficult time with Christmas and New Year). The other aspect to keep in mind is that he is possibly supporting others in the family who aren't doing so well. My husband spends a LOT of time worrying about his mum, and visits her regularly (she lives about 100km away from us). He has also spent a lot of time helping her sort out his dad's affairs, such as transferring names, cancelling services, etc. Those tasks, in themselves, are emotionally difficult too. It's a very difficult time for everyone, and it doesn't go away overnight.

You just need to be really patient. Let him know you love him. Do things for him to make him realise you are there, you love him and you will be there for him when he is ready. Don't force him to talk about it. But be supportive in his endeavours to support his family. If you feel he is really not coping, perhaps suggest grief counselling - the funeral services often offer free grief counselling to families - I know the one we used offered this, even a year after if necessary. If he won't go, maybe you could talk to a grief counsellor to assist you in your support of him and his family.

Remember, too, that everyone grieves differently. There is no right or wrong, and there is no answer to how long it will take.

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