Fellow Mothers, Please Help Me!

Sarah - posted on 02/22/2011 ( 20 moms have responded )

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I'm Truly At A Loss Of What To Do Anymore...The Other Day My Boyfriend Came Home From Work And It Seemed Like He Had Been Drinking...Well, Then I Checked Our Joint Account And Found Out Some Money Was Missing. He Swore Up And Down That He Didn't Take It. Well, The Bank Rep. Said That A Cash Withdrawal Had Been Made That Day And I Didn't Do It, So Who Else? Well, He Got Mad And Left Me And Our Son. I'm Currently On Leave At The Moment And Honestly Didn't Plan On Returning To Work Because I Was Going To Be A Fulltime Stay At Home Mommy. Anyways, He Was Gone Four About 4 Hours And My Best Friend Finally Found Him And Took Him To His Mom And Dads House. Well, He Called Me Wanting Me To Come And Get Him And I Did. Later, I Found Out That He Tried To Close Our Joint Account And Had Opened Up A New Account In His Name. He Also Had Taken More Money Out Of Our Joint Account And Then Went Walking Around Town Drinking...Well, I Told Him This Is It, Next Time He Wants To Leave, I Won't Stop Him...Well, I Found A Reciept In The Car For A Beer That Had Been Bought Yesterday. He Said That He Gave A Friend From Work A Ride Home And That It Was His Reciept, That He Had Bought Something. Should I Believe Him? I Just Don't Want Him To End Up Getting A DUI, Losing His Job, And Putting Our Son's Well Being At Stake. I Don't Drink Or Want To Drank. I Gave All That Up For My Son. Please Mothers, What Would You Do?

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JuLeah - posted on 02/22/2011

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@ Dana ... One is not an alcoholic based on how much they drink .... some only drink on the weekends ... some every now and again .... it is how they act while drinking, how they act before and after, the lies, the excuses, the hiding, the sneeking around, the anger, the blame, the going behind anothers back, the not showing up, not meaning what they say, not saying what they mean .... when their words and actions don't match, you have a problem. You have a problem because they have a problem. They don't need to agree with you for the problem to exist, but you need to get help for your self ... by 'you' I mean the person living with the alcoholic.

"All men like their drink. Nothing wrong with that" is an expression I grew up hearing almost daily .... it is heard in most every home where an alcoholic lives, espically if there are folks there to enable, defend, makes excuses for, pardon, support the alcoholic in their drinking as my mother did .... it is not an expression I like and sends up HUGE red flags

Carolyn - posted on 02/23/2011

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so from the OP i am assumign the following... because well thats all we can do...

You are upset because he took some money out and drank with it.

You keep a very watchful eye on the finances, indicating a need to control.

It sounds like because you dont want to drink, you do not feel he should be spending any money on alcohol. ( find a receipt for one beer .... one...)


is it possible that he lied because he knew you would get angry out of wanting to control the dollars and him spending a bit of money on something you would disapprove of ?

from the OP it doesnt sound like its a regular occurance.

i disagree with the whole " kick him out" " transfer all the money to a new bank account" yadda yadda yadda conculsion jumping.

Just talk to him. Ask him what is going on. What he is feeling and what he needs.

the whole openeing a new bank account in his own name could be him rebelling against the way finances are run or controlled , and maybe wanting to assert some independance over the money he brings in.

I have seen this kind of behaviour in people who have no spending rights or control in the slightest over the money they earn. It eventually all boils up and explodes into some stupid behaviours.

find out whats going on, dont jump to conclusions or get psyched up by a bunch of other people jumping to conclusions.

none of know the whole story or how things work in your family, all we can do is assume like i did lol.

BETTE - posted on 02/23/2011

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I am a older Mom to 5 grown children. Your boyfriend opened a account in his name. Did you ask why he wants only his name on the account? He could feel like you are trying to control the money. You both have to agree about the money he makes & where it goes. You can't control him or worry about him losing his job. If I was you I would go back to work and be able to take care of yourself & your son. And if the relationship changes then you will be more stable.

JuLeah - posted on 02/22/2011

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Google Al-Anon and get to a meeting ... today. Many have child care.
When a person who tells lies starts to speak, ignore their words - words lie. Actions don't, behavior never lies. Don't watch their lips, watch their feet -
His feet are telling you many things you might not wanna hear right now, but ignoring the message won't serve you.
You didn't cause his behavior, you can't change it, can't cure it .... you are not not not in control of his behavior, just yours - don't lose control over your life in a pointless effort to control his .... don't lose your son in an effort to save your boyfriend .....

Dana - posted on 02/22/2011

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I don't know that I would label him as an alcoholic. How often is he actually drinking, there's nothing wrong with anyone wanting to have drink or two. Just because you don't want to drink doesn't mean you should expect him not to ever.
If you are being rigid about it, then that's probably why he would try and hide it from you.

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Katherine - posted on 02/24/2011

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Since the OP has abandoned the post, I am locking this thread.

KAtherine
WtCoM
Administrator

Sarah - posted on 02/24/2011

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FIND OUT WHAT YOU'RE WILLING TO LIVE WITH!!!
The drinking beer doesn't bother me... UNLESS it's an everyday thing, he's drunk in front of your child, his personality changes negatively, he drives after having a few, etc. What does bother me is that he's lying and stealing. If I were you, instead of accusing him of doing it, I'd ask him why. Ask him in a way that he can blame you, though I'm not saying you are to blame, at all! Something like, "Do you just want a couple of beers in the evening and you feel like I've made you hide it?"
I think, if it's just a beer or two, a few times a week, let him have it, see how it goes. If there's still ANY lying or stealing at that point, I don't know that he's worth trusting. But, if you really want to save your relationship, and you can live with a couple of beers a few times, let him at it. I have learned relationships are about compromise, unfortunately, that means we have to do it, too.

Stifler's - posted on 02/23/2011

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It sounds more like you are anti-drinking. He's not allowed to drink at home... so therefore he is drink driving on the way home to hide it and denying that he bought alcohol. He's not an alcoholic he just likes an afternoon beer. My husband has a 6 pack of rum every Friday afternoon and he knows I won't go off so he doesn't hide the cans in the crisper or deny that he's bought drinks. He works all week I don't see why he's not allowed a beer?

Aleta - posted on 02/23/2011

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girl the more up put up with the more bs they give....but u need to let him be him self if not it will push him away

Kathi - posted on 02/23/2011

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how old is your son? newborns and a dramatic change in family dynamic does put pressure on men. Is there unusual stress from his job? He may be feeling that your attention/affections are all toward your son and he doesnt know how to cope. get a sitter and spend the evening together, talk and listen with out judgement, find a solution and support him as best you can... he may be an alcoholic, but you need to figure out together why he is drinking more than usual and when he does drink do not scold him for it. if a solution cannot be met then i agree with other mothers that a seperation may be best

Celeste - posted on 02/23/2011

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You have to realize that you may not be able to stop his drinking. There are ways to deal with it. Alanon is great and is helpful. I can understand what you are going through and have been through the same thing except we did not have kids. In the end I left and he ended up with a DUI. You have to think what is the best for you and your child. Good luck.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/23/2011

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What would I do??? Seriously??

~Get all of my money out of the joint account and open one only in my name
~call him a liar, and kick him out.
~Leave myseflf if he refuses to leave..go stay with friends or family that are willing to take me and child in

I don't give a shit if someone ruins their own lives...I don't want me or my child effected. Drop kick his ass out the front door....date him from a distance if you feel you must. Just me, do what you feel is right.

Tina - posted on 02/22/2011

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there's no problem with someone having a casual drink but if he's hiding it, yes the issue is why that's why they need to discuss it. There could be several different reasons why he'd hide it. But abviously she's concerned and they need to talk to eachother calmly about it.

Katherine - posted on 02/22/2011

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Well we won't know unless the OP answers....what the situation is..

Blackwood - posted on 02/22/2011

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Of course you don't believe someone who is addicted to drugs. Alcohol is the number one abused drug but becuz it's legal and in a liquid form less likely to be taken serious. If he has a problem and is not willing to get help then until he does he should not be around you or your son. My mom left my dad when I was six years old becuz of drinking and money problems becuz of drinking and not once did I ever think my mom made a mistake. It was hard at times and we struggles, but we would have had much less and dealing with adult issues at a young age. My dad never hurt my mom or became violent, but it wasn't good. You know you shouldn't believe him, you just want someone else to make that decision for you. My dad still drinks, has 5 children with 3 different woman and over the years has just gotten worse. He will never change and I know longer have a relationship with him. I never really did. I mean him no harm and I know he has a problem, but I just don't want to deal with it. If you want to work things out then you may need counciling and he needs AA. Best of luck

Tina - posted on 02/22/2011

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Maybe he's feeling shame. He might not like to admit it but he maybe he has a problem with drinking and feels like he's let the 2 of you down. He will deny it it, if that's the case. And yes it might be a good idea to have separate accounts. You can try sitting down and having a calm conversation ask him if everythings ok. Unfortunately there's no quick fix. If he's willing to admit to what he has done and try to work on his problem then that's good but if not the best thing for him may be to be on his own.

Katherine - posted on 02/22/2011

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I can tell you from a recovering alcoholics point of view, HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC or on his way.

Have you found hidden bottles? Has he come home wasted? Does he say he doesn't have a problem? Does he drink alone? Does he drink and drive often? Or is he hiding it ALL from you?

Sounds like he is hitting rock bottom and getting desperate, and I would tell him to get help or get out.



Just my opinion from a recovering point of view.



Edit to add: you can't be on your way to being an alcoholic. So either he is or isn't.

Martha - posted on 02/22/2011

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It sounds to me like he doesn't have his priorities straight. It might be a good idea to have separate checking accounts. My husband each have our own checking account then we also have a joint account that we each put 65% of our pay into each pay period. That goes for household expenses, etc. what is left we put in our own accounts and we get to do with it what we want. However, that might not work if you are a full time mom and don't have your own income coming in.

It sounds like you need to really think if you want him in your life and your baby's life if he is going to be drinking and taking money and lying to you about it. Your son NEEDS to come first in your decision making. I know it is hard but you may have some tough choices to make.

REMEMBER TO DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR SON.

Good Luck.

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