Fiance's "emotionally" adopted daughter

Murray_kristi - posted on 11/17/2012 ( 6 moms have responded )

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My fiancé has been divorced for 4 years. While he was in divorce proceedings she got pregnant by the man she cheated on him with. Long story short the ex-wife moved in with him during the pregnancy and now he has emotionally adopted her daughter. She is 3 years old and thinks she rules my house and she owns her dad. She is mean to all the kids his and mine. Super clingy and is very good at manipulating situations to her advantage. If one of the kids goes to hug him she runs over and climbs on him and says my daddy, it doesn’t matter if it is his biological or my children. When I go hug him or he goes to kiss me she yells don’t touch my daddy. When it is just her and I she is a sweet as can be, but when her dad or her mom's family is around she milks the I am a baby attitude. She is catered to and it is beginning to push him and me apart as well as all of the children. The mom is very demanding on my fiancé taking her every weekend so we do. I am not sure what to do about her behavior and that family controlling everything and using the little girl against my fiancé if she tries to separate himself from that family.

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Denikka - posted on 11/17/2012

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I spent the first 5 years of my life almost exclusively around adults. It wasn't until I went into Kindergarten that I really had friends my age. I never acted like that because I was never allowed to.

Dove is right, you and your fiance need to get on the same page here. House rules should be house rules. No negotiating from one child to another.

The clinginess is understandable. Being shuffled between 3 different houses each week can leave a child confused and uncertain. It can be really tough on them. But she's acting this way because she's allowed to. Unacceptable behavior needs to be dealt with, no question.

Dove - posted on 11/17/2012

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Well, if you can get your fiance on board then you both might stand a chance at normalizing this poor little girl's behavior. Otherwise you will just be fighting a stressful, losing battle. All the adults in her life (or at least all the adults in the same house) need to be on the same page or nothing will change. Just try to remember... it's not HER fault she is behaving this way. At 3, a kid is going to behave however they are allowed to behave and what she is turning into right now is solely the fault of the people caring for her.



I feel bad for her, as I'm sure you do too. I just don't know how else to help.

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Dove - posted on 11/17/2012

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Personally, since he's just your fiance right now... I would make SURE to get on the same page before ever marrying him or having him live in your house. Perhaps some counseling?

Murray_kristi - posted on 11/17/2012

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I do feel bad for her because my fiance says her mom acts the same way. I am very sensitive to the needs of children because I have two sons with autism. I offer suggestions to my fiance like letting her go to a play date to socialize with other kids, but he shoots it down. I think a lot of the issue is that she is always around adults and never children so she is used to being the center of attention. I am hoping we can get it under control before she gets older because it will be a tough life for everyone if not. She really is a sweet little girl when she wants to be and I have seen it. She is also very moody happy one minute and not the next. I think some of my problem is that I have had all of this just dumped into my lap with no adjustment period. We live in two different houses but they are always at mine.

Murray_kristi - posted on 11/17/2012

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Dove-No you understood correctly. He gets her every weekend. The mom only has her two days out of a 7 day week. The mom's brother keeps her the rest of the time. I know 3 yr olds are clingy, but that behavior is catered too. We have set rules in our house for the other kids, but she had to follow none. My one main rule is that she doesn't go in the kitchen without an adult and my fiance lets her not only go in the kitchen alone, but get whatever she wants out of the fridge. She also goes in everyone's rooms and takes their stuff and when I get on to her and ask her to put it back and tell her she is not allowed in their rooms she runs to her dad and he picks her up and comforts her. Everytime I mention that we need to keep her on a scheudle and have rules so that she understands when she comes to our house she is just one of the kids and does not get special treatment he gets mad. Three year olds do know what rules are and knows how to obey them. I have asked her to do stuff and she does it, but when her dad is in the room all of a sudden she is incapable of doing anything for herself. So frustrated.

Dove - posted on 11/17/2012

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So your fiance is 'playing daddy' to this kid that his ex-wife conceived by another man while they were going through a divorce... even though she was LIVING with the bio father while pregnant with the baby?



I'm so confused.....



The clingy, possessiveness that she is displaying is fairly normal at 3... Though certainly not something that needs to be or should be catered to.



And since I'm thoroughly confused about this entire situation... that's the only input I have here. ;)

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