Fiancee caught with my mother

Rose - posted on 07/26/2012 ( 133 moms have responded )

4

0

0

My fiancee and I have two kids, we have been together for 8 years. I caught my mom giving him oral sex with they were both highly intoxicated. this is not the first time I caught hime with another women. the first time we were 19 and dating for a year. I have grown to trust him and love him deeply. He is a great father and a great boyfriend, helps more then i could have asked for. My mother was abused terribly growing up, she has not had any help; with any of her issues. since I was a teenager I believe she has lived her life through me. question about supper or any questions at all, she would ask me. I have a little sister that I have taken care of as well. I have taken care of both of them until three years ago when my fiancee and I moved on our own. My mother has always been jealous for me, watching him and accusing him of being with other women, making me think he was doing wrong... My mother is more like my daughter, when I moved out she was torn, I did not go to college because I was not supported or helped by her. I believe my mom was living her life through me. I love my fiancee and he loves us. He is crying like he has lost a loved one, and he has but I dont feel in my heart i can leave. I feel our love is soo strong. I am devasted and still in shock. I have a feeling that after counselling we will be able to repair our relationship. although my mother who is suppose to be my protector but I feel like I am hers, I have no intention on letting her win by taking my whole life from me once and for all. I need help

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/27/2012

13,258

21

2015

Well, although you've "grown to trust him" (Why, after finding him being unfaithful not just once, but multiple times, and with your MOTHER>..) He's a liar, and a cheat. He's been cheating on you since you were 19, and believe me, he hasn't stopped, because he knows you'll forgive him and look the other way.

Nail him for child support for any children you share, cancel the wedding, He's being a manipulative bastard, and you are believing him AGAIN!!!

The only reason he's "crying like his heart is breaking" is because he got good and caught this time, and you need to move forward without his lying ass. Oh, and your mother? the one "being jealous for you" and "living her life through you" has been screwing your boyfriend. She wasn't jealous "for" you, she was jealous for her.

Sure, you can go for counseling, and "try" to work things out, but honey, he is NOT a great boyfriend, he is NOT a great fiancee, he is a lying, cheating scumbag, who doesn't care who he has sex with, up to and including his future mother in law. And, you cannot trust your mother around him either.

Counseling, yes. Marriage counseling, I don't recommend. Unless, of course, you like repeating the cheating pattern over, and over...

Nail him for child support and move on.

Jill - posted on 07/27/2012

101

1

20

He's not trustworthy. He's not a great boyfriend. You're making excuses and justifications for him, your mother and even yourself. Both your relationship with him and your relationship with your mother are broken and unhealthy. Your love for him is causing you to behave irrationally and foolishly.

Love is not enough. It is is never enough. You need to think with your head, not your heart.

Please seek psychological counseling for yourself so that you can figure out why you make the choices you make, and how you can change. Couples counseling is not what you need, because you can't repair a relationship when both parties are broken.

Michelle - posted on 07/26/2012

2,191

23

1087

If you truly love your husband go to counseling but I would cut your mom out of your life completely. Intoxicated or not Mothers do not do that ever and I would most definitely not trust her around my husband or my kids.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/27/2012

21,273

9

3058

Dude, his dick has been in your vagina, and in your mothers mouth. Enough reason to walk away right there.

Jen - posted on 07/27/2012

5

49

0

Don't excuse your mom's behavior away using her childhood as an excuse. She needs help - serious help - if she is engaging in that extreme of inappropriate behavior. What if one of your children had been the one to catch them? Tough love there - either she gets help or she is out of your life. You have children to raise, you can't raise your mother too.

As for your fiance`, I agree with the suggestion of counseling. I can't tell you to leave or stay - only you know what you are able to forgive and forget. I am finally filing for divorce from my husband of almost 16 years because his choices have finally put my children and I in danger, but I was excusing and explaining his behavior away to all kinds of people who would have ended it long ago if they were in my shoes. I finally realized that, by forgiving his behavior and moving on, allowing him to continue to do as he pleased without facing any kind of consequences, I was teaching my daughters that it was acceptable for someone to treat his or her spouse poorly. I don't want my daughters growing up and ending up in the same kind of situation or worse, so I'm putting an end to it. Please think about your children - staying together "for them" is NOT the right answer if you would leave otherwise. Best wishes!

133 Comments

View replies by

Aaliyah - posted on 07/16/2014

18

0

2

Question really is- What the freak's wrong with your mother? She must be a cunt(;

Deborah Ridgely - posted on 09/05/2013

59

0

7

You need to say goodbye to both your fiance and your mother! You will never be able to trust him to be true to you, and you need to respect yourself to find someone better than a cheater and an alcoholic. Do not let fear of loneliness push you to a rotten relationship. He has no true love or respect for you if he can do this. This is actually incest as well. Both of them have made a fool of you. Are you really going to let them continue to make you out to be the fool? Thank God you found this out BEFORE you married him!
Now, go ahead and find someone or something better. I strongly suggest to go to a Bible believing, Holy Spirit led church and find Jesus. He will help you even of it seems no one else will. I am praying for you, Rose.

Patricia - posted on 11/05/2012

78

0

19

I UNDERSTAND YOU LOVE BOTH OF THEM.......YOU ALSO HAVE AN EXCUSE FOR EACH OF THEM....HOW DO YOU KNOW IF THEY HAVENT DONE THIS BEFORE,HES BEEN WITH YOU FOR YEARS....YOU CAUGHT THEM....WHAT IF YOU DIDNT CATCH THEM,THEN YOU WOULDNT KNOW.....RIGHT? I WOULDNT MARRY HIM,KIDS OR NOT ,LOVE HIM OR NOT.....DONT DO IT .....THE TWO OF THEM NEED SOME HELP .....I COULDNT IMAGINE MY MOTHER DOING THAT TO ME,MUCH LESS GETTING MARRIED TO THE GUY WHO LET MY MOTHER SUCK HIM OFF....SHE KNOWS THATS YOUR MAN....HE KNOWS THATS YOUR MOM......FOR QUITE SOME TIME NOW....DRUNK OR STRAIGHT......YOU CAN LOVE SOMEONE ALL YOU WANT ,DOSENT MEAN THAT YOU SHOULD MARRY HIM OR ATLEAST NOT FOR A VERRRRRRRRRRRY LONG TIME UNTIL YOU ARE SURE HELP HAS BEEN EFFECTIVE FOR BOTH OF THEM....YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO FORGET THIS,IM SURE AND SOUND LIKE A VERY FORGIVING AND UNDERSTANDING LADY.......GREAT QUALITYS.....BUT SOME PEOPLE DONT DESERVE THEM IT SEEMS,HOPE YOU GET SOME COUNCLING FOR YOURSELF THIS IM SURE HAS HURT YOUR FEELINGS DEEPLY......I FEEL FOR YOU AND GOOD LUCK TO YOU.....

Martha - posted on 11/05/2012

5

1

1

don't marry him the cheating will just keep going on they considering you or your children that's not respect nor love now I used to help others because I had to learn it love them enough to let them go think about your little ones on this emotional roller coaster they see and here you can love people to the that you just want whats best for them let him go he probably feels like a cage bird but not man enough to leave so he keeps hurting if its more than your mom I am sure watch and listen.......

let them go

Tracie - posted on 11/04/2012

317

9

1

"Great boyfriends" don't let other women (especially their girlfriend's MOTHER) suck their penises. Sorry. I could never be drunk enough to do something like this. What they both did was absolutely intentional. I'm very sorry to say it, but neither of them can be trusted and neither of them has an ounce of respect for you.



You know your situation best, but I know that I personally would never be able to look at either of them ever again without picturing his penis in her mouth. I don't even know them and it makes me sick to my stomach.



I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Best of luck to you.

Miss - posted on 11/04/2012

8

0

0

My dear. Your young man needs to agree to go to AA and lay off the liquor. And for the moment, he loses his 'benefits' that is if you don't just boot him out. Also, he needs to agree to go to marriage counseling sessions with you. They are free at many churches. As for your mother, order her to go to AA and to counseling. You are the adult in this household. Be one!!!



I stand by to mentor you in any way possible if that's your desire. I am a 77yo woman married not more than 50 years.... to the same man. I now counsel young folk who are about to get into relationships that are bound to cause problems.



Miss Deborah

Sophia Marie - posted on 11/03/2012

68

0

3

wow...get help for youeself first.. then seek help for you both together. you have children how will he act around them when highly intoxicated. just saying.

Stephanie - posted on 10/31/2012

5

22

0

Geez you need to have more respect for yourself. Are you kidding me????? Get rid of them both! And throw away the key! Come on!!

Alana - posted on 08/23/2012

47

57

7

I think you need to set clear boundaries with your mother and get some space from her until she gets help...your fiancee needs help too. Would he do therapy with you? I am worried he will continue to hurt you.

Ralette - posted on 08/20/2012

1

22

0

well the only thing that I can say is go to God and fine out what he says.

Kami - posted on 08/17/2012

11

0

2

I completely agree with Laura Tipplett. If you cut your mother off, you need to cut him off. Just because he was severely intoxicated doesn't mean that he had no idea what he was doing. If you thought you mom was jealous, you should have never trusted her with your man. But u NEVER trust your man when u won't forgive you own mother. You're not even married yet!!! GO TO COUNSELING...ALL OF YOU.

Laura - posted on 08/16/2012

114

1

4

I don't think this is complicated at all. This man betrayed you and shows no respect for you at all. Your mother is a sorry excuse for a parent.

Crystal - posted on 08/16/2012

3

4

0

You are a very understand person but drunk or not it was wrong. I can understand if you want to try and work out with your soon to be husband but just know that it you continue to let him get away with cheating he's going to keep doing it. With the mother they both crossed the line. Counseling may help but what other things you don't know about. For the sake of the children make it work if you can but the relationship with your mother should be over unless she is woman enough to seek help. Clearly she has a problem and it seems to me that she has always been jealous of you and that will never change if she doesn't get help. Good luck with the entire situation it sound complicated.

Trunise - posted on 08/14/2012

13

0

2

As a single mother I'm so sorry to hear that because I don't think I would know what to do if I was to see anything like that before my eyes with man and mom. I think someone I would be in jail and some one eating out a feeding tube.But if it were I would everything you have done then after I finish with all the talking I would start distancing people from my home, my man, life because no woman should ever have to hurt like that. Death is harder, a break up is hard but to know that your mom would even do anything like that to child is just crazy. Because, the reason why I said that is as followed before the two of them even had that drink he knew that he was your man and she knew that she was your mom and before it had even got that far they both would've said no and went different ways. It takes 2 not just 1. So as a woman I would question my and ask him how long as he been thinking of messing around with your mom and her they same the question. Because I'm a person that look at things from every angle and step out my box, because if he loved you like he says do he wouldn't have done it the first time and sure not the second time with mom. How dumb can he be. You can't help you love we have all been there and I'm not telling you what to do but just ask a lot question and think thing through before you make decision on what do. Because love is hard to find but dumb is around every corner you turn.

User - posted on 08/10/2012

3

0

0

honey i feel the same way with my fiancee, but he hasnt cheated on me with my mother, but he has cheated on me with more then 5 girls i suppose. he was mostly sexting them, im not sure if he slept with them, but any ways i feel the same way. i understand where you r coming from, and i am hoping counselling will be able to fix mine and his relationship also. he done this a few months ago when i was pregnant with his daughter. but my love for him is too strong to just leave him. but i wish you the best, and ill be praying for you.. good luck and take care xoxo-amber

Christy - posted on 08/10/2012

31

1

0

I feel awful for you, I really do. There is nothing worse than being betrayed by the one that you love and trust except being betrayed by the 2 people you love and trust more than anyone else in the world. There is a book called Boudaries by Dr. Cloud, I recommend you read it. I can relate a little to you feeling that you have to take care of your mom. I always felt that I had to take care of my little sister. (Not really the same, but similar) But, anyway, your mom is not your responsibility, she needs to grow up. She is trying to sabotage your life, she is jealous and she is trying to bring you down instead of making her life better. Some people are just like that and as long as you tolerate her behavior, she will continue. I would forgive them both, it's really hard, but don't hold onto the anger. But I wouldn't allow it to continue. I would not have contact with your mother, set boundaries, until she changes. And if she doesn't change, then it will be ok. You're not really losing anything. If she wasn't biologically related to you, would you chose her as a friend? And as for your fiance, that trust would need to be built back up. It's not impossible, I believe in second chances, but don't just let it go like nothing happened. No one has the right to treat you badly, but if you tolerate it, they will. People are basically selfish. People do things while intoxicated that they regret, but there are consequences. He can't be trusted, he needs to earn your trust back, if he wants to, but you definitely should require it. You don't need anyone, you have been doing everything on your own anyway, so you can do it, don't be afraid to be alone. One more thing, don't think of losing your fiance as letting your mom win, don't keep him to stop her from "winning". Really, what would you win? Show her that you are better than that and don't let her drag you down to her level. If he could cheat on you with your own mother, he would cheat on you with anyone. And any woman who would do that to her own daughter is just plain awful and not worth your effort. I am sorry to be so harsh, I am so angry for you. I am so sick of people acting like animals, like they can't control themselves, no matter who it hurts. These 2 have torn your family apart. And it is their fault, not yours.

Shanon - posted on 08/10/2012

1

0

0

Sorry but counseling or not both of them would have to go........I feel like you don't know your worth and if you think your only worth that then looks like you should go to counseling for yourself. You are a queen and deserve to be loved and respected and this is surely disrespect. Don't settle for less and make excuses for their wrong doing. That was just disgusting and trifleing. Don't settle for less. You deserve sooooo much more. Forgive the both of them but let it go.

Alma Cristina - posted on 08/09/2012

2

19

0

so sad dear :( I really cannot believe that a mum could do it to her child. What you could do now is ask for a professional help an advise that could enlighten your load..... it is between choosing two important people in your life.... Pls. don't be upset your mom is really out of her mind.... she shouldn't be doing it because you were her daughter..... a real mom doesn't only think of herself but what is best for her children. as for your fiancee, he doesn't deserved you, even he's a good provider he shouldn't also be a sexual provider of your mother..... for you to discern more of your relationship with him ask for a cool off, anyway you have your kids with you. If you reached 18 years of age and can stand by your own... you have the freedom to live without your mom..... don't be scared knowing that your mom can't live without you....she was too dependent.... give yourself a chance to live normally... do not let the be your burden you have your life and you have your kids it's tie for you to move without them. God bless

Dana - posted on 08/09/2012

2

0

1

I am so sorry for your situation, must be very tough. Short and simple.... you need to look out for your children and their future. Dont let history repeat itself. This might sound harsh but I have to say it... its somewhat incest (sp?) what if someone touches your kids in the wrong way? Are you just going to continue "taking care" of everyone no matter what? Love comes and goes, but this is simply something that is horribly wrong. Your kids deserve a better environment and future. AND so do YOU :) Good luck. Be the mother of your children, not your mother or your husband.

[deleted account]

Hi Rose, I am very very very very very sorry to hear that.

But from what I read, and from what you said, I think you are being very blind, and I think you are just freaked out about the idea of leaving him... I know it cuz I've been there, and staying with someone like that is the worst mistake you can ever make in your life (im saying it from my own experience) ... its better that you suffer from being appart from him, than what he will cause you in the future.

For a start he has cheated on you several times before. You say he is a great parent, and a great fiance, boyfriend... but that's all nonsense. A great parent wouldn't do that to the mother of his children, he would respect her. A great boyfriend/fiance wouldn't cheat. Haven't you ever heard of those guys who are cheater and they treat their wifes/girlfriends like a princess? Yes they exist, and that is their way of getting rid of their guilt of cheating, or a way of compensating what they do. That doesn't mean they are a great couple, they are just covering up. That doesn't mean they truly love either. That doesn't mean they can stop cheating.

If it was once or something, yes I think it could be possible to do counseling. Several cheating occurrences, I wouldn't recommend it but STILL there coulld be a little option to go to marriage counseling.. BUT... he really CROSSED THE LINE. He cheated on you with your mother. HE who SHOULD respect you, if he were going to cheat on you... with another woman okay.. BUT WITH YOUR MOTHER? That defeenitevely crosses the line, and I think is the biggest evidence about him not caring about you or your feelings or you well being at all. And worse, if he can cheat on you with your own mother, his mother-in-law... he can cheat on you with ANYONE. That means, he could even get STDs from who knows who and transmit them to you.

You should be strong, break up with him completely, and go to counseling yourself so you can get help with all that pain I know you are going though.

You try to hide their BIG OFFENSE (it cannot ever be called a mistake) behind the fact they were intoxicated. Alcohol doesn't make you do things you would never do. Alcohol GIVES YOU THE GUTS TO DO WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO BUT DON'T DARE TO WHILE YOU'RE SOBER. That's the biggest truth there is, and if you've ever drunk alcohol in your life until you're intoxicated you HAVE to know this. So, that's not an excuse at all.

Regarding your mother, I'm sorry to hear all this. I know it must be really hard for you, but believe me it must be much worse for her in a way if she is so psychologically ill. You should do everything you can to get her help too. So she can feel good and be able to forget what happened in her early life. I know its hard, even more considering what she did. And no, whatever happened to her at any point in her life IS NOT an excuse for what she did BUT BUT BUT ... a mother with that kind of behaviour is NOT NORMAL, its just a sign of a terrible mind or trauma or something, and it of course means she really needs help, so she can fix her life and be independent and not be so unmature as she sounds she is. She is not your child and it is not right she is behaving as such, and it is not right you have to pamper her into that behaviour, so get her help. And get help ypurself so you can get trough this tough situation too. But deffenetively, please, don't keep telling yourself your fiance is right or loves you or anything because that is a lie. He does not deserve you, and you do not deserve such a piece of garbage like him by yourside, nor do your children deserve to have such an example from a father. Think of it, when they grow older and start to understand what he does (cheating on you) they will not straight forward think of it as right thing, but subconsciously it will be a perfectly normal behaviour to them, and they will either repeat it or accept it from their couples frwhen they are of age because that's the message they received in their home as children.

So no, you should not accept that behaviour from your fiancee and after this, leave him, its the best for you, and your children.

Tina - posted on 08/07/2012

1,314

28

301

I'm sorry but your hubby is just as much to blame by all means do what feels right. But don't make excuses for him. Drunk isn't an excuse. He still knew it was wrong. He knew he would hurt you. He needs to admit that it was wrong and that he needs help or he wont change. It wont be a matter if but when he does something like this again. I may not know him. But I've seen it time and time again. Not only have I been hurt but those close to me. They give them another chance it may be years down the track but they slip up again. It makes it harder down the track to leave especially if you have more kids, more debt and generally more that keeps you from leaving as much as you want.

Lika - posted on 08/07/2012

159

19

0

Um, excuse me, your fiance has cheated with other women, and now, ultimately with your mom. Intoxication is not an excuse for that behavior. If either of them love you, your mom and fiance would have never let this happen.

Cut your losses while you're ahead, and walk away. Hate to tell you, your fiance is always going to be a cheater. He's proven this to be his natural behavior. It's much more difficult to get a divorce. If you love yourself, you wouldn't put up with that kind of disrespect. You can't love others properly as an adult, when you can't love yourself enough.

Go to counseling. Make sure that he fully admits to cheating. If he does not, that is proof that he can't see he has a problem, so you will continue to be cheated on. Bring your mother in too, so you can get past the hurt she put you through. Real love doesn't hurt like this.

Jocelyn - posted on 08/07/2012

2

0

0

Counseling is a good idea regardless. However, do not enter counselling with the idea that it will save your marriage. Marriage counselors help people in identifying problems and then help people communicate and offer advice. A man I knew once told me that the first he does when he starts therapy with a new couple is to tell them that he is NOT there to save there marriage but rather help them find the best solutions for both of their lives. It may be that the overall best scenario for everyone isn't one inwhich you two are together.

Especially considering your children I do think counseling will be important for both of you.

Bernie - posted on 08/07/2012

1

0

0

You are making excuses and justifying they're actions he had his dick in my moms mouth oh but he's a good guy. My mom was giving him oral but she wad abused when she was younger she's like my daughter not mother... You sound like an amazing super freaking woman who took care of your mother and sister when you didn't have to and she repays you like this?! she knew better intoxicated or not she's your mother and she shouldn't have done this i'm so sorry but if you stay in that relationship where you're always going to justify everything that you know is morally wrong. Are you going to be justifying them next when you catch them having sex???

User - posted on 08/07/2012

3

0

0

Kick that man to the curb. Twice now and with mom. It sounds like this has been going on for longer than you now. It took me like 12 years to wake up and smell the coffee. I was dumb founded like you are now. No man is worth all that and even after the counseling crap the cheating didn't stop. I had to step up to the plate take the daughter and leave. My ex husband's bulls---- got me thrown in jail and fighting to keep custody of my daughter. While fighting to get her back for two years I found a wonderful man that helped raise my daughter and I raised his two children, we have been together almost 20 years now. Sometimes you have to thrown in the towel and start over for yourself and your kids sake. Both your finance and your mother need some severe mental care that I don't think that you can give them. It sounds like your mother may have done this to break you two up.

Threenorns - posted on 08/07/2012

87

0

1

she hasn't taken anything from you that you aren't willing to give up yourself.

when it comes to your fiancé, you have two choices: accept that the dog is going to bark or rehome the mutt.

that means accept that your fiancé is a cheater and will probably always be one. if you can live with that - truly - then rock on. just don't have sex without a condom bec getting an STD is not a matter if "if" but "when".

if you require fidelity in your loved one, then you need to kick him to the curb, my dear. there's no way around it.

as for your mother, she is clearly mentally ill. there is no law that says you have to destroy your own life looking after her. i would seriously dial back any contact with her and REALLY do not allow her to look after your children unsupervised.

as for the "severely intoxicated" thing? the saying is "in vino veritas". it means "in wine there is truth" - in other words, being drunk doesn't make ppl do things they wouldn't have done anyway if it weren't for all those silly inhibitions like "conscience" and worrying about getting caught. that's the only part being drunk changes. i KNOW this - i have experienced a boyfriend who was being slammed on by a girl at a party and even though he was so drunk he couldn't walk straight, he just kept pushing her back until finally he asked for someone to take her somewhere else.

Jennkomarnisky - posted on 08/07/2012

1

0

0

That is so disturbing! Not only has he cheated on you once before, now the second...with your mother! Whether you look at her as your mom or not, that's just wrong!



Counseling is not the cure for this, you need to get your head out of the gutter, he cheated with your mother!

Josie - posted on 08/07/2012

1

39

0

indian no 1 can tell you what decision to make but I say cut your losses now before your kids get any older and can actually see what's going on

Laura - posted on 08/07/2012

114

1

4

Great boyfriends NEVER cheat. And certainly not with your mother. My love would have died on the spot, never to be rekindled. There is no excuse for either's behavior. Get out now, take your kids and go.

I have never understood why seemingly smart, capable women stay with losers, have babies with them when these guys won't marry them, don't support them properly, etc. Value yourself more than that.

Brittany - posted on 08/07/2012

31

22

2

I think the word you are looking for to describe your mother is codependent. She is codependent on you and has set that example for you. You may love that boy but you don't need him. Break that cycle of codependency. Anyone who would do that to you does not love you. They know right from wrong even drunk. You determine your worth and right now you probably think this is all you deserve. But there is a real man who knows exactly what you and your babies need and deserve, who wants to give it all and more to you. But you'll never find him if you are wasting your time with this bozo.

Jennifer - posted on 08/07/2012

3

0

0

i would leave him maybe he is a good father but obviously he isn't a good husband.. and your mom sorry for saying this but shes a low class woman. I would have left him as soon as he cheated on me the first time you probably would have a better guy now.. i suggest you dump him and your mom as well and start over with a better guy he's crying and he's the one who screwed around I wonder what he would have done if it was you You deserve better leave him.

User - posted on 08/07/2012

2

21

0

First of all I'm sorry youve had to endure this. What you need to do is take your kids out of the equation. If your kids weren't around would you still be with him after that? Are you prepared to cut your mother out of your life? If not, its going to be hard to stay with your fiancee. Birthdays holidays everyday occasions your going to have to face both of them at the same time. the only thing your going to be thinking about is what had happened. Its going to be a hard road and alot of trust and help to get past this is thats the road you take. Ultimatly its your decision and noone is going to be able to make it for you. Good luck!

Keely - posted on 08/07/2012

2

5

0

Yes, you do need help! If I were you I would insist on counseling for yourself in the very least! There is no excuse for your mom or your fiancee's behavior, alcohol or no alcohol, period. You deserve better people in your life, and apparently your mom is not going to be that person. I am very fortunate to have a mother who would NEVER do something like this, and I feel badly for you and the position your mom has put you in. You need to made demands of both of them and if they do not comply then bye bye. I agree with other posters on here, you cannot allow him to continue to treat you this way. No matter how good a father he is ,or how good he is to you when times are good, he is WRONG for cheating on you with anyone, esp. your mom.

Good luck, I hope you do the right thing for yourself and your children. He can remain a father and not be with you, that is one thing you need to get straight....

Lyna - posted on 08/07/2012

3

1

0

I notice that you did not mention an active father or someone of that nature in your childhood. I also see that your mother was not emotionally supportive of your own doings while you were growing up and brings that to your adult life today as she continues to seek your input on just about everything. Suffice it to say, you were neglected of strong parental guidance. Could this be the reason behind your lacking self-love? Self love is not present here. You said you cannot see yourself leaving, or in other words, ‘ I dont feel in my heart i can leave. I feel our love is soo strong.” Your fiancé was indeed there for you through the emotional turmoil your mother inflicted, and acted as the man who was never there as a father as you claim your fiancé helps you immensely? But that doesn’t excuse him for his distasteful and repulsive behavior. You really have become dependent on him(and I’m not saying this to pass judgment in any way, please know this). I feel that sharing two kids will make it harder for you to want to leave, and I think counseling is a start. But I also think you need to actively pursue self happiness and self love also. Then figure out more of what you deserve. You have two children. Think about them. Would you want your daughter to go through this? What would you do for her? Or better yet, what would you hope she would do? As for your mom, she needs to be able to want to help herself. You cannot do it all for her. You have kids to put first. Please don’t make excuses for both of them. They didn’t pressure one another. They made an adult(a poor one at that) to commit adultery. Above all that, your fiancé has done something like this before while your mom continues to have ulterior motives. I respect that you want to work it out with the father of your (2) kids, but ultimately kids shouldn’t be the reason why two people should be together. Are you happy??

[deleted account]

******I think Rose has had enough; she's never responded to anything and we should all just move on to other things at this point. JMO......********

Amanda - posted on 08/06/2012

223

19

2

You need to think about the situation and the past situations and what you want and what YOU deserve. You dont deserve for your boyfriend or fiancee to cheat on you before, and definatly not now with your mother. I dont care how intoxicated they both were, it was just plain wrong and you didn't deserve that to happen to you. Im not trying to judge him as I dont know him, but I have been cheated on by my husband, we worked through it and then he emotionally cheated on me. Its like once a cheater, always a cheater....just my personal feelings. I cant get past what my ex did or how I was treated, and so we are split from one another. If you can get past this and try to make it work thats great. But you need to be able to get over this and move on 100% to make this relationship work. You shouldn't have to wonder where he is and what if anything is he doing with any other girl or your mom for that matter. Its alot of trust to get back and it seems you got it back from first time he cheated, only for him to do it again. All Im saying is think long and hard about what YOU want and what is best for YOU and only YOU!!! Best of luck in your decision, but in the end you have to be happy with whatever choice you make.

Christina - posted on 08/06/2012

5

0

0

I agree I don't think I would ever be able to sexually be with someone without thinking they were with my mother.

Christina - posted on 08/06/2012

5

0

0

I agree I don't think I would ever be able to sexually be with someone without thinking they were with my mother.

Christina - posted on 08/06/2012

5

0

0

That is terrible and I can not even imagine the emotions you felt. Sounds like you blame your mother for your failures and she is a weight on your back. That's a toxic relationship that you both need to be out of. Your fiancé is always going to be tainted by this and I know someone who was in your situation personally. Her mother was raped and beaten her whole life. My friend is a product of an alleged rape or at least that's what her mother claimed when she turned out to no be her fathers biological daughter. She always thought her mother just cheated or was prostituting. These people are not trash either her dad is a cop her mother was a lawyer just messed up. Anyways my friend has a baby buy this guy he had sex with her mother and they never could get past it sexually. If you honestly think that you can fully get over it and won't think about your mother pleasuring him while you do then work on it. Even if you fail at least you tried. You need to be strong for your kids and don't take them away from him. You seem secure in being able to get past it, however, I urge you to consider the reasoning. We all want happy families but are you staying for you or your kids? Getting past something means you can never throw it in his face as much as you want to.


Good luck lady I am sending you strength!!

Marion - posted on 08/06/2012

4

4

0

well spoken. alone is better sometimes, get to know yourself. you are number one. your mom and your fiance need professional help/ no man is worth being cheated on ,especially by the mother. take your babies and start over again with counselling you will be fine. .

Lise - posted on 08/06/2012

7

11

0

You are in a messy situaton. I agree wth the counsoling, you, your fiancee and mother. Everything should be put out there so everyone can get the help they need. You care about both those people, but keep your focus on your kids. Don't lose sight of what's best for them. The influences around them will mold their life to come. Pray and let God have your burdens and if you don't know how, find a good chrstian counsoler. You will know what to do. Your a strong woman, don't lose yourself. Your in my prayers. Take care :)

Amie - posted on 08/06/2012

64

49

2

If your love for eachother was as strong as you say then he would of never of allowed that to happen. As for your mum suppose to be your protector.... So is your partner/lover/father of your children! He is suppose to be there for you, you have your own family now. I think your just hurting yourself if you stay. You need to believe in yourself and protect your children and your heart! Your mothers issues have nothing to do with her behaviour. We all know right from wrong. I think she is use to you protecting her and bothering her, that she feels as if she can abuse your relationship and take you for granted. You obviously love deep, since taking on your mum's responsibilities at such a young age and for forgiving your partner the first time. I do though believe that they have both taken advantage of your loving ways and basically having a laugh behind your back. Your partner is a cheat and your mother is unforgettable. You seem like you need to give yourself a fresh start. Good luck. X i wish you well

Debi - posted on 08/06/2012

13

0

1

I would run and not look back. Seriously?! Your mother?!!! I would go to the opposite side of the country and start over. They are both broken beyond repair and do not deserve to be around those children or you.

Alexandra - posted on 08/05/2012

581

24

1

You are making a mistake with this guy if you stay with him. You say you still love him? How is that possible? Then it means you don't mind him doing this at all.
Remember, when men do these things, they always do them. No counceling will help. Maybe for a while it will, but he was disrespectful already and had no feelings for you. That would not be good for me.
As for your mom, move on and leave her alone. It is very sad your children will not have a grandma, but with a personality like hers, I feel they are better off without her.

Chelsea - posted on 08/05/2012

20

0

0

Please let us know what you've decided to do... We are here for support no matter your decision! :)

Pattilynch - posted on 08/05/2012

7

0

0

I was abused as a child and then raped as a teenager, but I still know right from wrong even while intoxicated. Your fiancee did something terrible, but no one can tell you how to handle this situation. I can't imagine my life without my mom...or my husband. You and your fiancee can shut her out of your life, but that won't help her. And...in the long run, she's still family and needs your help. Try to get her into counseling and don't let this ruin your relationship with the man you love.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms