Fiances child has lived with us for 8 years but says I am not ready for a child of my own?

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My fiance is 37 and I am 29 we have been together for 8 years. The first year we dated he had his kids every other weekend. My Fiance had told me she tricked him into having a kid. He told her he didn't want a kid with her and made sure she was taking her BC pills when in fact she was taking the white pills and he didn't know any better. I guess before she got prenant their relationship was going south fast because of her drinking problem. one night we got a call that his ex was drinking and driving with his 1 y/o son and we had to go pick him up. His son is now 9 y/o and has been living with us ever since. His bio mom in and out of prison this whole time. So I've had to deal with a very emotional child. He also has another daughter from another woman she is 14 y/o and she does not live with us but we still see her every other weekend. We never really talked at the time when we gained custody of his son I was 20 at the time. I felt like it was my duty to take over as a mother figure as I felt bad for the child and I loved and wanted to be with my boyfriend. I can honestly say I hold a ton of resentment towards the boys mother. I gave up college among other things to help raise this child while she gave up nothing. She was not even fiancially helpful. Now, she pops in and out of his life at her convience while I am left to deal with the heartache. I could never do that to my own children and I don't even have any bio children. Now, as we are getting older I feel as though I am ready to have a child even though I am feeling a bit burnt out from this emotional situation. He tells me I am not ready and that I need to prove myself ready for a child? Then goes on to say how much his daughter cried as an infant. Ok I get it I haven't been the perfect person in helping raising his child with him. I've done the best I could with me not being mentally/finacially ready at that point in time. I always told myself I would be before I had kids I put that aside for them. But what parent is perfect really? At least I stepped up to the plate when his own mother refused. I already feel like some what of a mother what would be the difference? I am totally confused? He says he would like a child with me? Maybe he really doesn't but doesn't want to lose me either? Our relationship hasn't been the greatest lately probably because I feel as though we don't have a future together and this is as good as it gets. We have been engaged 5 years and still not married but we do own a house together...Sorry this is all over the place but I feel like I am all over the place emotionally. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


Holly - posted on 02/14/2013




amy is correct you have to find out which is more important to you, having a child or being with a man who does not? Being a mother is a calling that many women have. And if you don't you will regret it. But at the same time, you can not trick him into having one. You have to make a choice... give up on having a baby, or give up on him.

Amy - posted on 02/14/2013




You say " Our relationship hasn't been the greatest lately probably because I feel as though we don't have a future together and this is as good as it gets," if this is really how you feel please do not bring a child into this world with him. It does not sound like you guys are on the same page right now and adding a child to the equation is only going to mean more stress. I would also like to say that since you aren't married, this should be when the relationship IS at it's best.

Earlier you talked about how you gave up school, it's never to late to start planning for yourself. Go take some classes that interest you, do something for yourself, build your independence and maybe go see a therapist with your fiance to try and work out your problems.

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