Adriana - posted on 10/26/2014 ( no moms have responded yet )
I know this many for mothers but I have plans to be a mother with my fiancée and I have so much fear and paranoia about the harm of my children becuase of what happened to me..
My "father" has molested me as a child from as younge as 5, as I could remeber, to when I was 14. He would go in my room and try things and then I was a child I was scared of the dark and sleep on the other side of my mom and he would reach over to do things. I was so scared of him and the dark that I didn't know which one to choose when I went to bed, of course I left safer having my mom next to me so I couse that. Later when I was about 7/8 my cousin (by marriage) starting doing things to me and he is about 3 years older than me. He would try to get me to do stuff to him and I've never did. During this my eldest brother would come to my room, pen me down and "hump" me. That I try to forget and sometimes I believed nothing happens but it always did.
One day my mother was doing daudry and saw that I had blood on my underwear. She freaked out and started yelling at me and asking me if anyone did anything. As a child she I was terrified that she came at me this way and was scared to tell because I would get in trouble. I told her about my cousin. She said she contacted my aunt and uncle and she said he's going to get a whipped by them for hurting me.
In time I was still being touched my moms husband, I don't like to call him "father", and my brother still doing what he did. One night during christamas my dad came in my room and my mom woke up and saw him in my room she asked what he was doing up that late and why was he in my room. He said he was putting something up that was in the living room. She believed him and they went back to bed.
When I was in 5th & 6th grade I went to a all girls church camp during the summer. When I was in 6th grade at camp I wrote in my journal about how the girl were crying about how they missed and loved their parents and I wrote how they didn't know what it felt like being me and I wrote detils about my secrets. One day back from camp my mom went threw my things and saw that I wrote that and freaked out again. She's scared me and tried to confront her husband in front of me freaking out I was crying histarcallly and he was saying he wouldn't do that that he loved me. Of course my mom believed him and nothing happened after that day.
During this time my brother stopped doing what he was doing, I never told my mom about it or wrote about it until now.
My moms husband still kept trying to come in my room, I would sleep in front of the door and he would still get in. I would pretend I was sleeping becuase I was scared of him and didn't know what he would do if I was awake..
During 7th grade I was a emotional wreck, I started to harm myself and opens of leaving the world beucase I would be safe and in a better place. I would try to hide my secrets but it caught up to me. When I was in drill team we couldn't wear jackets we had to be in uniform which showed what Ive been hiding. My drill team teacher contacted the school phycologist and I didn't know that she did until they took me out of class and I went to the office, which I never go to. Then psychologists talked to be about my home life, then I knew. My secret was out.
My mom and I went to CPS where they questioned me, before we went in my mom told me to lie said that I made it up becuase I was mad at them, beucase she said their going to take me to a new family and I won't ever see my friends or family again. But I didnt I told them the truth, when they asked me questions..
As the year past nothing happened with the CPS I still lived with my mom and her husband, I guess she lied to them and said I was lying.
My moms husband stopped doing the stuff and reason why is becuase they put a lock on my door so I could lock it..
Yet something happened to my little cousins with my Autistic brother, he use to touch them. In my head I would wonder how would he know to do that to little kids and I am terrified that what happened to me happened to him and hasn't told anyone becuase he thinks it's ok. Which I'm going to finally let out to his special physiatrist becuase it needs to be said and I'm at fear of his safety
As soon as I turned 18 I moved out of my mom and her husbands house, I never really talk to them that much, I try to avoid them. I had so much hate towards them and them and had no feel towards my other family who said I was lying.
Still today, at 21 years old, I hold my secret and never tell anyone, and I still am not close to my family. I have bad flashes back to everything and nightmares..
The most that worries me is how to not be so afriad of the world when I have childeren.. I will never let them around my brothers or mom and her husband and they will never be close to them.
How as a parent, let your children know to never be afriad to tell me is anything bad happen to them?