Finally Out Of Denial

Calli - posted on 10/18/2016 ( 13 moms have responded )

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I have an adult son who is addicted to drugs for years. I have been in denial for a long time with his constant excuse that he messed up but now he's on the right tract taking oppiate blockers doing the right thing but he's not. I wanted so much to believe him that I use to believe him. He lies and steals from me, doesn't work. He doesn't take care of his appearance, his room is a complete mess. He also suffers from bipolar as well. He totally refuses rehab.His life is one big domino effect and I just don't know what to do anymore. The sad thing is he is a very kind loving person but a manipulative liar I wish he could have a normal life. He is suppose to go to a meeting Thursday of course he may refuse to go last minute. Please provide your opinion.

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Jodi - posted on 10/23/2016

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Tough love is hard. You have done the right thing - he should be able to get the help he needs now. But he needs to WANT to fix it before he will truly be able to move on. Hopefully what has happened will lead him to that.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/22/2016

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Good job, Calli. Tough, I know, but necessary.

I hope it turns out well

Dove - posted on 10/22/2016

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I hope he gets the help he needs there and finds the motivation to stay clean!

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Calli - posted on 10/22/2016

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Yesterday I kicked him out, caught him stealing my debit card, putting it back, We were texting back and fourth told him he couldn't return but i would drive him to the ER have him admitted to a rehab he refused, hours later sent me a text that he would harm himself if he couldn't come home i called the police had to find him, detectives pinned his phone,they couldn't locate him he was parked, they had a proximity, my younger son remembered a place they use to go when they were kids we found him there. I called 911. He was taken by ambulance to a county hospital admitted involuntary. We explained to the Hospital that he was in bad shape and not to believe him. Today he was transferred today to a very good rehab.
Thank you for your advice the truth hurts

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/21/2016

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Bipolar is not a disease, it is a treatable mental condition.

Stop making excuses.

Dove - posted on 10/21/2016

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If it were my child... he'd go to rehab or he'd be out of the house. Period. Don't use his mental health as an excuse. Bipolar is HARD, but it is managable and treatable and as an adult it is his responsibility to manage. If he refuses to go to rehab... get the number and address of the nearest homeless shelter, pack him a bag and a couple of sandwiches, and wish him luck. Let him know that you love him and you want him to get help and will support him as much as possible going into rehab, but it has to be his choice and you can not enable him refusing to change any longer.

Or keep making excuses and keep supporting him and keep 'hoping' he will change... but he currently doesn't have any reason to WANT to change because he's got a sweet deal at home w/ a sucker as a parent.

Jodi - posted on 10/21/2016

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You came here for advice, and you are rejecting any advice that you get and continue making excuses for him!! As long as you continue to make excuses, you are continuing to enable the behaviour. Your call, though. It's your life. You CAN actually kick him out with no money. You are just choosing not to because that makes it hard for you. Of course it isn't easy. None of us are saying it won't break your heart to do it. Of course it will! There is nothing easy about this situation and there is no easy answer. But you seriously need to stop enabling him.

Calli - posted on 10/21/2016

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He has been better with some money but he has been totally clean with no money he took my debt card once took out $40 thats the stealing. I can't kick him out with no money, it depends on the situation. He is trying stopped smoking also Its complicated. The mental illness is disease and nothing for nothing some of you are not in a position to give advice unless you've been touched by this

Jodi - posted on 10/19/2016

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You ARE actually enabling him at the moment, just saying - mental illness or not. Perhaps if he has to spend his money on supporting himself and finding somewhere to live, he might not have the money to spend on drugs.

Calli - posted on 10/19/2016

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Thank you very much for your response. I think your right. The issue that stops me from kicking him out is the mental illness he is on 4 medications and I just can't do it. We have a very close relationship & we do spend time together. I am all he has. There are no bad friends in the picture. I can see he can't have any money in his pocket at all times if he works a day or two here and there it will be spent on drugs. When he has no money he seems to act normal. Im not going to control any money & hope for the meetings.
im not aloud to go he wanted me to so I will try a different support that we can go together.Thank you again

Gloria - posted on 10/19/2016

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I am so sorry that you are under this situation. It's not easy to be a mom. Sometimes you think you've raised your kids and they are grown ups and should know what to do; but in some cases they don't. I have a friend who also have adult sons who are on drugs and they are faced with the same painful situation. It's hard because they are adults and not kids and you cannot force them to do things they don't want to. Your son knows what he should do but he chose the wrong path. Instead of being the "nice" mom, you might have to let go and let him have the consequences of not being honest and responsible. That might mean you have to kick him out of the house and not let him stay until he figures things out. It's hard for you to do that but it might help him in the long run. Always having someone to rely on and to provide will not help him realize his wrong behavior. I hope he will go to the meeting. Will pray for you and your son! Take care!

Jodi - posted on 10/18/2016

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My opinion is that you need to stop enabling him. Now that you have realised you were in denial and are prepared to face the situation, it's time to stop enabling. That will mean that he needs to live by your rules in your house (which includes no lying, no stealing, cleaning up after yourself, no drugs) or he can leave and live as he chooses. Yes, this might mean he will hit rock bottom before he can rehabilitate, but that might be what it is going to take. He is an adult, so if he is refusing rehab, then there is little you can do to force him.

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