First child unable to be home for birth of second because of divorce

Jessica - posted on 06/04/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I'm having a hard time dealing with my 7 year old's father. I am about to have my second child, I'm divorced from my first child's father and have majority custody of our son. He gets summer vacation and a multitude of other visitation throughout the year. He also lives 20 hours away. My second child is due to be born 1 week into summer vacation and my ex-husband refuses to let our child stay for the birth of my second. I've tried reason, threats, pleading, appealing to his girlfriend, everything I could think of. I did not petition the court for the time because I foolishly believed his girlfriend when she asked me for time to convince my ex-husband. I just need to know that I am not the only mother who this is has happened to. I'm very depressed and emotional about not having my first child there to meet their sibling and just exhausted by how unfair my ex-husband is being at a time like this. I don't want to keep our child from him for the entire vacation, I just want him to be there to meet his new sister. My ex-husband is behind on child support, moved out the state that the divorce was finalized (he petitioned in Florida as a bid to make me move back when I left him and moved to Michigan, where I still reside.) I don't know what to do and nobody I know has any real life advice. The courts treat me like a number and only refer my to the next person. I need some help coping, advice as to what to do, anything that can put me in a better direction.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/06/2015

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I agree with the others. Your coming child is of no interest to your ex, and if having your shared child during the time of the birth is your ex's time due to the custody agreement, then the appropriate method would have been to petition the courts for a one time adjustment of visitation, or get your ex to agree (on his own) to bring your elder child to visit for a couple of hours after the baby is born.
Unfortunately, while it would be nice if everyone could agree on an amiable adjustment, this usually doesn't happen, and other arrangements need to be made.
I do agree that you should use the time with the new baby, as we ALL know how trying that can be at times, however rewarding it always is! Good luck with everything.

Roxanna - posted on 06/05/2015

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Hi there , I was in almost the exact same situation. My 7 year old was also with my ex at the time of my daughters birth. It was hard not having him there but every cloud has a silver lining. It gave me much needed alone time with my new baby . It gave me time to bond and really focus all my energy on her. Trying to have split your energy in two is also very demanding on a mother. He will spend many many years with your new baby. Utalise the time to really get to know your new baby, after all your son had that opportunity when he was born.

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Ev - posted on 06/06/2015

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I agree with the other mothers for those reasons they have stated in their posts. I know how important it is to have the siblings there for meeting the new addition but this addition is not your ex's worry so he is going to take his visitation as it stands. Maybe instead of pleading, making threats and trying to go through his girlfriend to talk to him, you should have asked if he would be willing to bring the shared child to meet the new baby and then he could take the shared child home. That might have worked out in your favor that way and then you could have had the bonding time etc until he got your child back to you after summer visit. I also have a story here that might show you how it makes siblings feel when one is having a child and the other ends up waiting two weeks to see their new niece or nephew. My daughter gave birth to her first child 3 years ago. She wanted her brother there for the birth but his dad and step mom left him home with the other kids. She was very upset with her dad he did not bring her brother. They are very close to each other. I took him two weeks later to meet his new niece. Skip forward to two years later--this time the day after the nephew was born I informed my ex husband that I was coming to get our son to go see his nephew. I got informed by my daughter and later my son that my son was to be there no matter what it took. I made a promise and kept it. My grandson came shortly after my son's robotic team won 4th place in competition. Both of them were happy with that. Sometimes things do not go as we want them to as in the story of my daughter and son wanting to be together at the births of her children. Even they learned that sometimes it as to be done differently.

Dove - posted on 06/05/2015

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The only thing you CAN do it get over it. I don't mean that to be harsh at all, but if he has a court order for that time and you did not petition the court earlier... there is nothing to be done other than to send your child for his visitation and have him meet the baby when he gets back.

Michelle - posted on 06/05/2015

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He doesn't have to agree to change because you are having a baby. That's why things go to court and be agreed upon. If changes want to be made, both parties have to agree.
If it were me, I would be like Roxanna and enjoy the time with your new baby. Your child will have plenty of time to get to know the new addition.
Step back and think hard, is this a major drama in our life our can we work around it? Most of the time you can work around it. Don't make such a big deal of it.

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