Flirting

Nisha Sud - posted on 12/05/2014 ( 19 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have been married for 18 and half years now, we had an arranged marriage, he was my dad's choice. We got married very quick as he was he as a visitor and had to leave the country soon, my dad got us a quick city hall wedding. Things we good for a few years, but like any other marriage we had some differences, i seem to be a lovable person, i like attention, i like to do things together, he on the other hand likes to his things, and wants me to do what i have to do on my own. He didn't find it neccessary to do things together, like cook dinner together, go groceries together, clean back yard together, he is very much to himself. It hurt for a few years, how he kind of distance himself, i think its important to do things together. I like to talk, and wanted him to be my friend and husband, but its also hard to communicate with him, he seems to always be guarding himself, always changing up my words, then he gets upset, so i tried not talking that much. When things bothered and I needed to talk about it with him to resolve the issue, again he would get upset, switch up my words, bring up past issues that have nothing to do with the current situation, so i just leave it and it doesn't get resolved. He doesn't seem to be a happy person, i know he had some childhood problems, but i did too, he doesn't like to talk, and anything that goes wrong in his life it always seems to be my fault, even if i had nothing to do with it, he takes everything out on me, by being grumpy moody. After so many years, i know him so well, his body expressions, his moods, the way he breathes, everything, Both my parents passed away a few years ago, one year apart, first my mom, then my dad a year later. He was there for me at the time, but at that time i couldn't think straight i was lost in my own loss, but now when i look back he really wasn't very sincere, or compassionate. His dad also passed away last year, and i feel real bad, i feel his pain, but now things are worst, he said somehow its part my fault his dad died, his dad went back home to visit and passed away over there. I didn't get along with his dad, i didn't mind him as a person, but had problems with him living with us, as I saw he had lots of bad living habits, and maybe i felt that his son does not treat me well, still he stayed with us in our home for 4 to 5 years, i didn't say much to him, when he first came to stay with us, i was ok because i didn't know him then, i welcomed him into our home, i bought him furniture for his room, did what i could, then i saw how bad his living habits were at home and it bothered me, so i just kept to myself didn't talk to him, just did my duties for him, cooked, etc. My husband didn't like the way i ignored him, i felt if i didn't like him, its better i don't say anything to him, this also caused problems for us, his dad later on when to stay with his other son, as he had a bigger house and had space for him. My husband was very nice to my family, and my parents, but he did have a problem if my mom came to visit once in awhile, when i had my babies, i had a c section for both my boys, she wanted to come for a week to help out, we wouldn't let her, and same with my 2nd son, she came when i went into labour after i had my surgery i was in the hospital my mom came to me said bye and that she was going back home, i said why i thought u were staying, i was kind of out it at that time on morphine and in a lot of pain, she said my husband told her he didn't need her to stay, he said his brother was coming to the hospital and taking my older son who was 5 at that time home with him, so my mom didn't need to stay to watch my other son, his brother came to the hospital, had an arguement with his wife while they were there, and both left without taking my older son with them, so i was in pain the nurses said my son couldn\t stay, I had noone to watch my son now as he sent my mom home, so my husband had to drive all the way to toronto, an hour drive to pick up my niece bring her to our house to watch my older son, i was scared in the hospital and didn't want him to leave, but had no choice, 6 mths after that his dad came to stay with us, still i took his dad in. Since his dad passed away he has come more and more distant with, i can understand his pain, as i have been there twice, the problem now is, my son plays basketball, last year i was working shift work, so i missed out on a lot of games, and tournaments, this year i am on days, and have and will be going to all the games. My husband is a very nice man when he wants to be and to who he wants to be to, He has been picking up another mom who's son is on the team, she is a single mom, 15 years younger than us, pretty, skinny, her house is out of our way, last year i didn't think anything of it, i trust him, never would have even thought anything, he seems very shy around other women. Now that i have been going to the games, i notice how close these two have been, he leaves me to go sit with her, follows her around the gym, she has a younger daughter as well who is 6 years old, plays with her, even babysits her while she is playing in the hallway, and keeps an eye on her like he is her dad? takes care of their jackets and belongings, folds her daughters jacket and puts it with his jacket, i found it weird, but didn't say anything, i know he likes kids, he has been also buying her kids treats, donuts, buying the mom coffee all the time without taking her money, to me it looks like he has a crush on her. He seems so happy when they are around us, like a child who has a crush on someone. I still kept quiet, until recently he made a comment to me in front of her, i asked him if he wants to go for a walk, as we had 3 hours between the games, and he was just sitting in the cafeteria trying to hang out with her, he said no u can go if u want, u can go out that door i can open it for you and close it, i told him oh u are such a gentleman,she over heard and said what was that and starting laughing, i said nothing, then he told her oh you know of those no no answers, and they both started laughing together and saying no no no, they have a joke between each other, last year we were at a hotel and i asked her if wanted to go the gym with me to workout she said mmm no, and husband thought it was funny, he said i like the way u said no, no no no,, so up to now they are making it a joke, so he is showing her that he doesn't get along with me, i felt so embarrassed and insulted, then after that him and i went to get a coffee, i bought one for, when we came back, he went to give it to her, and her money back that he didn't use, she said oh you didn't take my money, she said from all the time you buy me stuff it makes up for a dinner, he held her hand and looked into her eyes and said i would rather take u up on the dinner. and i was standing behind him. I was so hurt, we went home and i asked him what the hell is going on, he said nothing, i am crazy, there is nothing going on, i said what u say and what i see don't match up, if u don't want to be with me, u are free to go and be with her, he denied everything, he just said he thinks she is a nice person, and enjoys her company, he thinks she is funny. I told him, does it make u feel like a man insulting your wife in front of the whole team? u insult me, embarrass me, yourself and your son, parents are looking at me?? would if the kids see that and start teasing your son? Now I am going to stop the pick ups and drop offs for her, she usually emails my husband and not me when she needs to be picked up, i asked him let me see ur emails that she sends u, he said he doesn't keep any, he deletes all the old emails, i know he is lying, i said next time she emails u i want u to forward it to me an i will reply back, i don't want you to get involved anymore, i will reply back to her, he sent her an email and cc me on it, but not an email that she sent, a new one that he sent to her, asking her to contact me if she needs a ride for the next practice as he will not be going. Now he is grumpy and mad at me, showing to me that i am not a nice person, and he is, i don't want to help anyone, and the funny thing is another parent lives 2 minutes away from her house, who has been offering her a drive since last year, but she doesn't take her offer, i didn't know that till now, she would still prefer my husband come out of his to pick her up and drop them off, I told my husband she is no longer welcome in our car, this is it. He is now showing attitude with me, like i am doing something wrong, and i am crazy, i think he is always doing something, this is the first time i ever thought this, he thinks she is a nice person. A woman who laughs with another married man when he insults his wife is not a respectable woman, its like the both are together and i am an outsider., I am so hurt and don't know what to do?

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Raye - posted on 12/09/2014

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It takes two to make a marriage. You may have made mistakes, but you wanted to work on them and make things better. He's made mistakes, and he feels he's perfect and there's nothing to fix, so the fault is now with him. If you're both unhappy and things seem very unlikely to change, then what reason is there to keep beating your head against the wall trying to make it work? Sometimes it just doesn't work. It is scary to think that you've invested so much of your life with this man, and now it may be over. But your life is not over. You can start new and be happy just being a mother, or finding a new man that appreciates you. The time you had with your husband was not wasted, because of your beautiful children, and you've learned from it. Don't let him drag you down. Don't let more of your life be spent on this man that doesn't want you. You are worth more than that.

Wanda - posted on 12/08/2014

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Wow. Ok so acts like a total jerk...u try to save the marriage...he then acts like a child who can't have his way..and what's next?? Tell the fkn guy to be a real man and act like a husband instead of a teenager! Omg. U r too patient!
Get to the point with him! Say r we doing this or not! Quit wasting your families time! Either we work on this or i will use this time productively to figure out new housing for me and the kids! If you just tip toe around it he will pout until u cave and he then gets his cake and eats it too!!
When u get tough, and get some self esteem he will either be attracted to that or bow down and admit that his time here is done. At that point u can start to build your future without his input. How much can u take? It's just not Right! Just think....what would u tell your child, sister, mom, dad, brother, going through this?

Mommyof3amazingboys - posted on 12/07/2014

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I read it and you needed to get your feelings out. Listen he does need to go to counseling with you if he don't then he needs to leave. It is very disrespectful of him to hang with her, walk off with her etc. You are his WIFE! No IF, ANDS or BUTS about it!

What if you did what he has done? Would it be o.k for you to smile, laugh
walk off with another man just hanging with him buying him coffee, giving him rides?

He needs to talk to you and I am proud of you for telling him no more. He either needs stop thinking with his private parts and be a man or it is over.

19 Comments

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Mommyof3amazingboys - posted on 12/10/2014

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Wow so now he is leaving hmmm... Obviously something was up all along. He don't want to try well that is his own fault. Try and stay strong you are better off. You will be happier

Nisha Sud - posted on 12/10/2014

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Yes u are right,i am trying my best to work things out, my older son who is 16 had a talk with him alone without me there, and asked him what him and i are doing about our problem, since now i am having occassional panic attacks, and my son is worried and told his dad this not acceptable and we should go for help counselling, he told my son that will not help, how i was mean to his dad, and he is leaving us at the end of the month, he is looking for his own place, now my son is worried, i hate to get my kids involved in all this, but they saw me have a panic attack and were concerned. My son also asked him about the other mom and the flirting he says that i am saying he is doing, he denied it all, told my son that mom is crazy, its all in my head, that our problem from the beginning is the reason of me not trusting him. He is lying i have trusted him too much which is what the problem is here from the begginning, if i didn't trust him, all last year he has been picking her up alone without me there, as i was working shift work then, and i never thought anything,i am only questioning it now since i am now going to the games, and seeing things for myself, he said to my son he didn't hold her hand, he was placing her money back in her hands, giving it back to her, there is a way to give something to somebody, he put his hand on top of hers, and said he would take her up on the dinner offer, the switched it all up again. What does he want me to do, die go to heaven bring his dad back and have him live with him? This is what this is all about he is trying to hurt me because he didn't get to have his dad live with us. and of course all that is my fault, his dad lived with us for 4 years, and approx 5 years with his other son, and came once in awhile to visit for a week or two between that time.

Gena - posted on 12/10/2014

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Ok i read the whole text. How rude of him and her to be joking about you and laughing about it infront of you! I must say the best thing i read,because i thought it would be house,is where you wrote she is not welcome in our car!
Your husband sounds like a big child,he cant have contact with her anymore and now its like he is stomping his feat. I would be very very angry if my husband would have done the things your husband did. Nobody is perfect,but the way you describe your husband with that woman..it sounds like he has a crush on her. You deserve better! And dont forget its not your fault that your husband is acting the way he is!

Nisha Sud - posted on 12/08/2014

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Exactly, i am at that point now, i have done all i can, i even asked him to go to marriage counselling with me, he said no he is fine he doesn't need counselling, and that i can go if i want??? what does that mean. He has told me when we first argued about this i said u treat her very special and u treat me horrible, he said when have i ever treated u nice? when have i ever liked u? i don't know if he just said that because he was mad? he is upset at me that his dad passed away, but i had nothing to do with that, i was here in canada and he went back home by himself, he feels that i have stopped him from doing what he wanted in his life which was to have his dad live with us, and because i didn't get along with his dad, he didn't get fulfill his wish, its always my fault, there are many things that i didn't get to fulfill in my life i don't blame him, i wish my mom and dad were still alive and here, we all have regrets in life. Well we say the other mom after all this, he sat quietly beside me and behaved himself, now it looks like something is wrong because he didn't talk to anyone, its either he doesn't talk to anyone, or if he does he doesn't know his limit. What to do? I think she may even have a crush on him she looked jealous that he wasn't giving her attention, she is keeping her kids dad from seeing them and i know believe she is using my husband to replace that for them, to help them forget about their dad.

After all this came up i got scared, wondered where i went wrong, what she does that i don't, and she priases him a lot and i don't, she gives attention and makes him feel good, so i started that, i asked him lets go out for dinner friday night just u and i it will be a date, we can go to a show and dinner, i asked very nice, i said i want to start over, make some changes, enjoy my time with u, and move forward, he flately said no he doesn't feel like it because the weekend before we went out and i brought it up and i just upset and started crying and he said i will do that again, i said no that was last weekend we talked about it, and its over,i don't want to go out with you and argue, i just want to start fresh new, forget the past, but if u don't believe me i will cancel the reservations, he didn\t reply back, so that answer is no, he said he wants to go if the kids come, he never takes me anywhere. I told him i had to talk to u about it that weekend it was bothering me and i said what i had to say and be done with it, can we move on? he is acting like i did something wrong, i told him it should be u trying to make up with me, not me with u?

Raye - posted on 12/08/2014

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There are different degrees of cheating. He may not be fooling around sexually with this other woman, but in his heart it seems like he is cheating on you. Yes, it is possible for a man and a woman (who is not his wife) to be just friends. But it does seem, from what you wrote, that his attention toward her is more than just friendly. You are right to want to limit their contact.

It also sounds like you and your husband are very different people. You have tried your best to do your duty as his wife, but duty only gets you so far, and it seems he's not doing his duty as your husband. The ladies who said 'you need to decide what you want from this' are right. If he doesn't respect you, then you might be better off without him.

Michelle - posted on 12/08/2014

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I read all the comments and then tried to read what you wrote. Could you perhaps hit the edit button and put it into paragraphs so that it will be easier for others to read?

From what I read, I understand that you went into an arranged marriage through your parents (your dad, more specifically). You have had children with this man, but you don't feel you share the same interests. Your parents have passed, and more recently, his father passed away.

There is another woman in the picture now, and your feeling is that there is something more going on because of certain incidents that happen at your children's events.

I'm not sure what you want, as in I'm not if you want to get back together with him and save your marriage, or do you want out of your marriage? The reason I say that is because I come from a family with old traditions of arranged marriages, and women are expected to follow through with their parents' wishes. The feeling I get is that now your parents have passed, but you are still stuck in your marriage, and you do not know whether you would dishonor them by leaving your marriage. At the same time, your husband is not helping things because disrespecting you in his behavior.

First you need to decide what it is you want. If you want to try to save your marriage and stay with him, I would demand certain changes in his behavior as well as counseling for the both of you. It is no longer the olden days when men could just do what they want, and women just have to accept it.

If you want to leave him, then make a plan first. Get your finances in order. Make sure you have a place to go when you leave him, and a plan how to support yourself (and the kids?).

Good luck!

Wanda - posted on 12/07/2014

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I also read the whole thing...a little all over the place but I guess that's because u r just trying to give us as much info as possible to state your side of the story.
I am imagining your situation as I read it, and sounds to me like you should be worried. A man in love doesn't show disrespect. Sounds like the whole marriage thing was so forced. You can't just make relationships happen.. i agree that u should approach him about councelling. Because that will give u your final answer. If he wants this to work he will go. End of story. And put your foot down about that woman! That's just soooo wrong in so many ways. That guy is lucky he's not my husband! His new little girlfriend would be picking him up in her car along with his luggage!! Then let's see what disrespectful comments they can sit and giggle about!

Jasel Galvez - posted on 12/06/2014

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Can you talk yo him without him overreacting ? If yes tell him he need to stop contact with her and her family for the well been of his family. He need to choose what he want.
He can't manipulate you in that way. I don't think is right

Nisha Sud - posted on 12/06/2014

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Thank you for taking the time to read the whole thing, this is the first time doing this, and i guess i got carried away with my writing and problems. My main issue is my husband's behaviour around her, i have never seen him act this way, thought he as a decent person, he would never.. don't think anything is going on but it could, i needed to stop it now before... i also think she may have crush on him as well, as he is wonderful dad, and her kids dad is not in the picture, well i will see what happens at the next games that come up.

Jasel Galvez - posted on 12/05/2014

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I read it all :) and your husband and my ex are twins !!!!!! My ex left his family I don't think your will but I was feeling the same you are and believe me isn't a good feeling :( I am happier now that he decide to go away from us. This kind of person have to be away from us if not will make you feel like you are going crazy and so lonely and unloved and we deserve better much better from us and our kids.
My advised asked him if he want couple counselling and if he said not like my ex did believe me he isn't interest in the relation with you so if up to you to take a decision of move on with your life or stay where you are (like I did and in the end he left)
I really really hope you feel better spiritually, emotionally and mentally.
A lot of women been the same place you
Right now and isn't the end of the world it hard I am not going to lie being in your own but at Least you stop that bad person from coming with in your life and tormenting you

Michelle - posted on 12/05/2014

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Like I said, I couldn't read it all. I only got up to where your parents had passed away. Maybe just condense it a bit and just write what you are advice on instead of the whole background story.

Nisha Sud - posted on 12/05/2014

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Sorry, this is my first time doing this, i like to write, and i guess i didn't realize how much i did write till the end, i guess i have a lot bothering me, and like to write down my problems, but I would really like some adivice, or help

Michelle - posted on 12/05/2014

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I'm sorry but I didn't even get half way through that before i gave up.
You really need to use paragraphs if you are going to write that much.

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