Found Condoms in 18-yr-old Son's Room!

Lisa - posted on 03/13/2012 ( 226 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have two sons, ages 14 and 18. Both boys live at home. Our oldest, whom I'll call Jack, admitted to my husband (his Dad) and me that he'd lost his virginity some time ago, with no further details. Both my husband and I are conservative Christians, and have always tried to instill good morals in both our sons. Having, myself, gotten pregnant out of wedlock at age 21 and having had to deal with the consequences (in my case, my baby's father left me, and I ended up placing the baby for adoption), I had taught my boys that they should practice abstinence until marriage. Because of societal pressures that make losing one's virginity just another "rite of passage," I suppose my admonitions fell on deaf ears. I say this because, tidying up Jack's room the other day, I found an unopened box of condoms! Jack does not presently have a steady girlfriend, so I hope he's not planning to take advantage of his young adult singleness and "sleep around." If you ladies were me, should I confront Jack and ask him what his intentions are with the condoms (which will be mortifyingly uncomfortable) or keep my mouth shut and simply be thankful that he is trying to practice "safe sex"? After all, he IS 18...

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Jodi - posted on 03/13/2012

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"keep my mouth shut and simply be thankful that he is trying to practice "safe sex""



^^^ Yep, go with that option.



And tell him to clean up his own room. After all, he IS 18.....

Kate CP - posted on 03/13/2012

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A few questions for ya:



1. Why are you cleaning his room?

2. Why would you go through his things?

3. What would you accomplish by confronting him?



I mean, you should KNOW what his intentions are with the condoms. Unless he's making really weird balloon animals, it's pretty OBVIOUS what he's planning on doing with the condoms.



Is it heart breaking that he's not heeding your warnings and doing as you told him to do? Yea...but he's an adult. If he were just a boarder who was renting the space above your garage you wouldn't have been cleaning his room, wouldn't have been going through his stuff, and you wouldn't DREAM of confronting him about it. Yes, he's your little boy and he always will be. But he's an adult and has the right to act like one...and that means having (safe) sex.

Seana - posted on 03/14/2012

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This is a complex issue because yes he is an adult legally, but he still lives under your roof and although society has diluted the implications of sex and made it seem to be purely physical, solely for pleasure, and completely trivial, it just isn't.



I think that he is of the age to make his own decisions regarding any life decisions that he may face, but he needs to have all of the information and insight that people who have had more life experiences can offer, preferably parents or at least a trustworthy tried and true source that can offer facts and sound advice (bankrupt parents who live paycheck to paycheck, living outside their means buying non-essentials wouldn't be the best source for money advice even if they do love you and are your parents, after all).



You have every right to set the ground rules for what goes on inside your home and you have the right as a parent AND as a sister Christian to offer instruction about the truth about sex both good and bad. God after all did create sex for both physical pleasure and emotional bonding between a husband and wife and it is such an important topic that He dedicated an entire book of the Bible to it. Its very easy to fall into the lie that as Christians we are not to be "judgemental" or stick our nose in where it doesn't belong, and we should turn the other cheek in every instance etc. These "biblical truths" according to the world are nothing more than misconceptions or partial truths taken out of context, in other words, lies.



That said, the way you approach your son should be respectful. No nagging - LOL. All you can do is simply (and calmly) explain where you are coming from, share your experiences, find out where he is coming from (maybe he was going to have sex, but decided not to do it again and all is well - how awesome would that be?) and ask that he consider your advice. The decision is ultimately his. God doesn't force us to follow His ways, we must all decide for ourselves to accept, love, and honor Him with obedience. Beyond that, love your kid because you are his mom, no matter what, and stop cleaning his room! He is plenty old enough to do it himself. (If he wouldn't respect me as a parent by being a productive and helpful member of the household then I would charge him rent, but that's just me - LOL)



I'm not sure where you attend church but we have some great teaching on our website from past series that were really great www.churchonthemove.com. The "Stuck in a Rut" series was about relationships leading up to and including marriage but had useful information for singles as well. Also, Lisa and Ed Young from Fellowship church in Dallas have a book out called "Sexperiment" that is more for married couples, but does have great teaching on the biblical context of sex (I believe you can get Eds sermons on their website, but they were guests at COTM not too long ago and there is a link to the "Sexperiment" service at the above link, it was great). You may also check out the Passport to purity, which is aimed at preteens, but may have some useful information, and Justin Lookadoo is an amazing speaker focusing on teaching teenagers.

Sherri - posted on 03/13/2012

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@Lisa I am aware but you have already raised him, he is well aware already that you don't approve. Just because has condoms doesn't mean that he is currently having sex and even if he is at least he was being safe. I also still believe his sex life at 18 is no longer your business.



Also sorry but having sex with a girl isn't even relatively the same as being an alcoholic and getting a D.U.I that is against the law and may kill himself or others. Having safe sex is a normal bodily feeling and need.



Just my feeling you asked if you should say something or butt out. I feel you should keep your mouth shut and be thankful if he is having sex (which you have no proof one way or the other) that he is practicing safe sex. Especially since he is an adult and not doing anything wrong even if he is.

[deleted account]

He's 18. You've raised him w/ your beliefs, but he's at the age to be making life decisions for himself. He KNOWS how you feel about it by now, so just be thankful that he is prepared to take precautions.



You can still, however, dictate the rules in your own home as far as no overnight guests. ;)



That's my opinion, at least. I do share the same beliefs as you do as far as sex outside of marriage goes and that's how I 'think' I would react.... my oldest are only 10 right now though, so ask me again in another 8 years. ;)

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[deleted account]

He's 18. Be thankful he's having safe sex. Besides that, he is technically an adult and like it or not, its not your business what he does with his personal life. Your religious views and morals may not have been passed down to him. Its his right to reject them if he so pleases. As a parent all you can really do is teach them what you feel is right from wrong, then let them come up with their own set of moral standards.

Stifler's - posted on 07/19/2012

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HAHAHA you question sherri's salvation because she has a grip on reality?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/19/2012

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"I look at it this way they arent opened so at this point he probably isnt doing anything."

This is an absurd statement. Hell, this could be his 4th box, and he just has not gotten around to using this box.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/19/2012

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He is freaking 18. Yeah he has condoms. Yeah he is probably having sex. Good thing he has condoms then right?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/19/2012

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THATS the way to control somebody. Religious guilt, nothing else like it! *note sarcasm*

Lesley - posted on 07/19/2012

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Lisa, my son is 19 and my husband and I are aware that he has condoms. I hope if he is having sex he is using them. This is something that we have taught him and that he should abstain from sex until marriage. But now that he is an "adult" we express to him that he will have to take care of the child if one is brought into the world and that he will have to pay for any care he needs if he contracts an STD or STI. And also that he will have to answer to God for himself, we can't do it. So I would just tell "Jack" about the condoms that you found and just reiterate what you have already told him. And if he says anything about be in his room, tell him "actually its my room, I'm just letting you use it for now."

Debbie - posted on 07/19/2012

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I think you and your husband should take Jack out somewhere and have a talk with him regarding the condoms.

Sarah - posted on 03/18/2012

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I look at it this way they arent opened so at this point he probably isnt doing anything. And if he plans to at least it will be safe. By the age of 18 you've done basically all you can do as a parent and hope your children make the right decisions. If you want to talk to him about then do so but it probably wont change anything

[deleted account]

Lisa, my first question to you is...Do you and your husband 'live' your faith or is it merely a Sunday morning at Church one? I'm asking because the way you and your husband display and practise your faith will have a marked influence on how your children will act, you are in fact establishing the benchmark for your son's establishing their own faith.



While you may have believed that 'talking' about abstinence has been all that is necessary, have your son's been given the tools for practising it and resisting peer pressure? Are they strong enough in their Faith (your own strength will not sustain them forever), do they know why abstinence is being spoken of, or do they think that it's just a 'Mum and Dad' thing? Are you and your family active at Church yourselves, attending or holding Bible Studies, discussions with your son's about how they'd react in such and such a situation etc in other words offering them opportunities to rehearse their responses when their peer group challenges your beliefs?



I would take this discovery as a warning sign, and begin to reassess your own Faith, strengthening that (and not just outwardly where others notice, but begin your own Faith journey, spending time in family prayer, Bible readings, talking with and allowing your son's to talk with you openly about the Bible etc). Develop your own personal relationships with God and thus show your children how to develop their own. If your faith is merely a list of do's and don'ts otherwise you'll go to Hell, then don't expect your children to follow you. If your Faith is an integral part of your lives, ie, you can't live without it...then your children are more likely to continue their own Faith even when it seems that their peers are ridiculing them. You see, I've found that when others point their fingers at me and ridicule, mostly they are jealous of what I have...but they are too afraid to ask how they can get it too, because they think that it will require them to become 'freaks'....

Debora - posted on 03/18/2012

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Having raised 7 children,4of them boys in a .Christian household-I too preached abstinence. But it is a different world out there. There is a lot of pressure on kids from peers to have sex early. We have friends whose children our kids ages already have children of their own out of wedlock. We presently have 4 in college.mthe box is unopened-so he isn't using them. But he is planning ahead and being responsible. Does he know your story? If you feel comfortable sharing with him-I think that is the conversation you should be having.

[deleted account]

At least he's being responsible. He's 18, if your morality hasn't stuck by now, it's not going to. Its your house, so you can say whether he has sex there. Considering the number of girls I knew who spent pretty miserable and unsafe teen years pretending to be virgins to their parents, be grateful that he's honest with you. You raised him, he knows where you stand. Shaming someone for having sex means next time there is a major problem, they will lie. Stop cleaning his room! You're ruining him for his future bride!

Marisa - posted on 03/18/2012

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I have boys of my own with my oldest now being 20. I have told my boys that I would rather they wait until they were an adult to engage in sexual relationships however, I too learned my oldest had engaged in sex at 17 and I only found this out because I had found a pack of condoms that had fallen out of his wallet. I guess for me, if my boys intend to engage in such activity, then at least I know he is practicing safe sex. I drive the point home that if they get someone pregnant, they will have to take responsibility for his actions. At 18, your son is an adult, and as such, he is capable of making his own decisions. Obviously, he has already practiced safe sex so take that into account that he is being safe. The only thing you can do now is remind your younger son about your beliefs and hope that he doesn't follow in his brother's footsteps.

Catalina - posted on 03/18/2012

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@lisa you are right and i believe you already are being guided by the holy spirit on what needs to be done. i am in shock on a lot of these womens responses, when do we stop being mothers...why stop at 18 why not 15 they can pretty much dress and feed tghemselves and walk to school...as a parent our job is never over we worry for our kids at 18 months 18 years and even to their 30s 40 50s as long as we live just like our heavenly father he is always parenting us because we make foolish decisions...he gave us free will to do so and we all fall short..,.but when do we learn, by growing in his word. thats why i would ask your son whats his understanding of the word of god and how his relationship with god is. i know by my short cummings that having elicit affairs only lead to failure. there is a reason why god has made sex enjoyable and loving and a great experience with your spouse because it is a special unifying act of love. animals have sex...are we animals...i would hope the fact that we have spirits would be enough to distinguish the difference. it is hard to fight flesh...but me myself a bornagain virgin am grateful the lord woke me up and instead of conforming to the world vask in his delight. i admire your concern you are acting out of love because when you love you correct, just as god does.



@sherri i seriously question your salvation to have such a worldly out put of the situation seems as a license to sin. we are all sinners but that isnt our identity. if you are saved you're a child of god, yes with faults but to stay away from comforming is challenging, but also rewarding. having sex is bodily funtion and lust and is gratifying for a moment, but in the sanctity of marriage is blessed. sex with someone you care about...WOW....is saddening because if you love it is patient to wait kind to commit 1 corithians explains love. sex is f@*cking which in the dictionary is animalistic, and we are not just soul but spirit, and committing the act is damaging the spirit. Also ask any pastor minister they will tell you when you give someone sex you leave a part of you with them and ask a phsychologist they will tell you it is damaging to your self esteem. it is never too late to follow God plan for you. He acts out of love and wants nothing but good for you. to lean wayward is by your own admition and therefor brings grief to your life. my aunt raised 4 children all who are now married and virgins till they got married, she told them of all consequences physicall and emotional, and they chose to do right, its not inconcievable to have children be virgins till they marry her children are between the ages of 28-22 so they are young and still decided to do right. you can compare sex with alcoholism they are both addicting, both a sin and both have harmful affects. i pray your children don't fall wayward, as i do my own. i can only raise them the best i know how and pray that God gets a good hold of them and keeps them near.

Jessica - posted on 03/18/2012

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my son is 4 and my daughter is 13. my daughter and I have always kept an open relationship when it comes to talking about such things. she has had a steady boyfriend for 6 months now and told me the first time he held her hand, the first time he kissed her forehead, and has told me that they have never "french kissed" but they have pecked. I have instilled good morals into her as best I could but they are also their own people wo are going to make their own decisions we just have to pray as parents that they have heard us.... from this post and you saying that he has condoms, your speaking to him has NOT fallen on deaf ears because he is being safe. maybe open a conversation up about how proud you are of him for being safe and that you hope he is not sleeping around. make sure he knows that you are proud of him for being safe because you def should be. or if it is more comfortable for him have your hubby talk to him about it. I myself would talk to my daughter about it 18 or not, I would tell her how proud I am of her for being safe and then I would talk to her about consequences, maybe telling the story of what happened to you years ago so that he knows to be VERY safe and NOt to be like the man who left you when you found out you were pregnant. My daughters father left and I was 18, I have raised her myself for 13 years. I was engaged to my sons father and he walked out the second we found out I was prego and for 4 years have raised them both on my own. while it is NOT an easy task I could not have given either of them up for anything. I applaud you for doing what you had to do when you were younger. and I am very sure that your children have kept the morals and such that taught them and you should be very proud. I know I would be for sure!! :) good luck with whatever route you take.

Joy - posted on 03/18/2012

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I think because of the age of your son, 18, your husband needs to handle this one. From the time my son turned 13, my husband handles the "manly" issues etc.

Catalina - posted on 03/18/2012

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@lisa you are right and i believe you already are being guided by the holy spirit on what needs to be done. i am in shock on a lot of these womens responses, when do we stop being mothers...why stop at 18 why not 15 they can pretty much dress and feed tghemselves and walk to school...as a parent our job is never over we worry for our kids at 18 months 18 years and even to their 30s 40 50s as long as we live just like our heavenly father he is always parenting us because we make foolish decisions...he gave us free will to do so and we all fall short..,.but when do we learn, by growing in his word. thats why i would ask your son whats his understanding of the word of god and how his relationship with god is. i know by my short cummings that having elicit affairs only lead to failure. there is a reason why god has made sex enjoyable and loving and a great experience with your spouse because it is a special unifying act of love. animals have sex...are we animals...i would hope the fact that we have spirits would be enough to distinguish the difference. it is hard to fight flesh...but me myself a bornagain virgin am grateful the lord woke me up and instead of conforming to the world vask in his delight. i admire your concern you are acting out of love because when you love you correct, just as god does.



@sherri i seriously question your salvation to have such a worldly out put of the situation seems as a license to sin. we are all sinners but that isnt our identity. if you are saved you're a child of god, yes with faults but to stay away from comforming is challenging, but also rewarding. having sex is bodily funtion and lust and is gratifying for a moment, but in the sanctity of marriage is blessed. sex with someone you care about...WOW....is saddening because if you love it is patient to wait kind to commit 1 corithians explains love. sex is f@*cking which in the dictionary is animalistic, and we are not just soul but spirit, and committing the act is damaging the spirit. Also ask any pastor minister they will tell you when you give someone sex you leave a part of you with them and ask a phsychologist they will tell you it is damaging to your self esteem. it is never too late to follow God plan for you. He acts out of love and wants nothing but good for you. to lean wayward is by your own admition and therefor brings grief to your life. my aunt raised 4 children all who are now married and virgins till they got married, she told them of all consequences physicall and emotional, and they chose to do right, its not inconcievable to have children be virgins till they marry her children are between the ages of 28-22 so they are young and still decided to do right. you can compare sex with alcoholism they are both addicting, both a sin and both have harmful affects. i pray your children don't fall wayward, as i do my own. i can only raise them the best i know how and pray that God gets a good hold of them and keeps them near.

Naomi - posted on 03/18/2012

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You said it, after all he is 18 and he appears to be practicing safe sex. I think that at this point all you can do is hope that the values you tried to instill in him stuck. And as much as we, as parents, hope that our children won't repeat the same behaviors that we did, they probably will. Because even we didn't know, until age and wisdom showed us, what we were doing. Some lessons we just have to learn for ourselves. Hang in there! I'm right behind you with 3 boys of my own. At 6, 12 and 13 I have a few years to go yet. I HOPE!

Shawn - posted on 03/18/2012

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I think a few here should reread their scripture, we are to hate the sin, not the sinner, we are to teach the sinner, not confront. You taught your son about the sin of premarital sex, and I am assuming that you haven't changed your values so he knows that it is a sin. I agree that you need to talk to him about him having sex but if you approach it from the sin point of view he will feel under attack and as a teen male he will refuse to listen, but if you approach him as an adult using something he doesn't know as a segue he may have an open mind to your argument.

Michelle - posted on 03/18/2012

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I'd be more concerned that the box is unopened, that might mean he's having unprotected sex. Talk to him about your experience when you were 21, and that you had to give up your baby for adoption, it might help him realize how important it is to practice safe sex. I know it might open a big can of worms fr your family if you haven't already told them about that, but it could be an eye-opening experience for him and a healing one for you.

Angela - posted on 03/18/2012

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CONGRATS! You taught your son well, he's using PROTECTION! Instead of worrying about what he's doing with his sex life be happy at least you know he won't have a baby out of wedlock, won't get any diseases and he's not only protecting himself but the person he's with! He's 18 and an adult, leave him be, and be releived he isn't messing around un-protected!

Felicity - posted on 03/18/2012

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I had a shock when asked by my grandaughter to look for something in her room, when looking i foiund what i later discovered was the 'PILL' unfortunatey i freaked out and instead of listening i shouted when she came in from school, both my grandchildren live with me, a boy of 18 and a girl of 16, when I was able to listen to her she told me that the reason she hadnt told me was because she 'knew' I would react as I did, to be honest I reacted completely out of the norm, anyway, she had been to the famiy planning clinic as she had been told it would help her spots, to get rid. We sat and talked and we are now back to our open talking, we have always been very open with each other, Be grateful that your lad is being sensible but what harm is there to talk, as long as you are quiet and reasonable, dont lose the ability to talk to each other, it is very important to everybody within the family unit

Kayla - posted on 03/18/2012

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Be proud of him. Put the condoms back where you found them and tell him your bible study group offered to rearrange his room if he doesn't start cleaning it himself.

Debra - posted on 03/18/2012

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Sounds to me like you did teach him good morals. I too agree you should explore your sexuality before marriage. Don't freak out about it!

Anna - posted on 03/18/2012

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Be thankful he has enough sense to use a condom instead of not protecting himself. Kids these days have sex with or without protection. Hes 18 hes an adult capable of making his own decisions. And generally kids that are preached to rebel. Be glad he didn't come home telling you he got someone pregnant or thinks he has an STI/STD because he wasn't protecting himself.

Nancy - posted on 03/18/2012

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If he's having sex, is really out of your control at this point. I think however that it is a good thing that he is choosing to practice safe sex rather than face the consequences you did at his age, or even worse ones like ending up with an STD like aids or something. He who is without sin shall cast the first stone. None of us are perfect and without sin, which is why as Christians we believe that Jesus Christ was crucified so that we can have salvation and be forgiven of our sins. He is not less of a Christian because he is possibly having sex. You mentioned the box of condoms wasn't even used yet, so he might not be having sex at all. But at least you know if he is that he is being or planning on being safe. I understand you had a bad experience at an early age, but that doesn't mena your son will make the same mistakes as well. He is a completely different human being that God has a completely different plan for. It sounds like you are a wonderful mother, so trust that YOU did a great job raising your boys, and because of the job you've done and the values you've instilled in them, they will make wise choices for themselves.

Christine - posted on 03/18/2012

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@Jodi - I have daughters and firmly believe in sex before marriage. I would rather they explore it in a healthy way and find out more about their partner before marriage then wonder later what it would be like with someone else. And, if you wait until marriage you could end up with a person that is in to things you definitely are not interested in. However, I would prefer that they wait until they were adults. But, even when one of my daughters told me she had had sex before 18 I didn't freak out. Freaking out only makes it worse for everyone. Instead, we talked and I informed her about protection. If they are hell-bent on having sex there isn't anything a parent can do to stop them. All the yelling, preaching, and even praying won't prevent it. I look at this as a lot like swimming - if you live near any body of water (or other people) do you want your children to know how to swim just in case (be informed about sex) or let them drown if the slip in (get pregnant or a disease)? I mean, really. Sex is normal and natural. People, even teenagers, are curious and may do this. Rather than working up your blood pressure and giving yourself a heart attack or panic attack since you can't DO anything to prevent it, why not just tell them what you would like, but give them the facts and educate them just in case?

Chasmodai - posted on 03/18/2012

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The most challenging thing about parenting an older child is trying to figure out when to step in and when to wait for them to come to you. Let them know you care and you are there for them, but at the same time they are increasingly on their own and responsible for their own decisions. In my experience, by the time a kid is 18, he has already made up his mind about most things. Unwanted advice can be meddlesome. Think how you would feel if your mom tried to run your life. If he's a healthy young man, he has already cut the umbilical cord between the two of you. I would say to continue to model your values, but be careful where you step.

Margaret - posted on 03/18/2012

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Have you ever told your sons about your own experience, getting pregnant, being dumped and giving up the baby for adoption? That life lesson might get through while merely moralizing would not.



Talk to them about how that experience affected you and that you do not want them or some girl to go through that.



They may naturally be very curious about their older half-sibling they have never met.



Be very grateful he is being safe.

Nan - posted on 03/18/2012

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Keep your mouth shut and be glad he's using a condom. If you do speak of it, make it only enough to ask him to dispose of his condoms elsewhere.



And since it is your house, you can specify that he not engage in sexual activities in your home. Your home, your rules.

Amanda - posted on 03/18/2012

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Talk to him, rather than "confronting" him - the latter is aggressive and pushy, and by its very nature, confrontational. Why would discussing sex with your legally adult son be so uncomfortable? You've engaged in it at least three times (your own two sons and the one you put up for adoption - btw, I'm adopted), so you're no stranger to how it feels on your end (and I truly hope your experiences were pleasant). If you can discuss sex and the consequences (the real world consequences, not the biblical aspects), including what you went through around his age, it might bring home to him that OMG the consequences, while beautiful, might be way too much for him to handle at this time in his life. And above all, make it clear that you love him, no matter what he's doing.

Alison - posted on 03/18/2012

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Congratulations to Jack for practicing safe sex. He is just being a normal human being and wanting to have sex is part of normality. Better to get his experiences earlier rather then eg when he is married - and safely. Well dome him. If you make him feel bad for having natural desires and giving in to those natural desires - you will alienate him from you.

Sherri - posted on 03/18/2012

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So having sex with someone you care about as an adult is disrespecting yourself?? Boy I am a christian and so disagree with this statement.

Corinne - posted on 03/18/2012

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Support his good choices. He is protecting himself and those he is intimate with. I have very much respect for this young man for doing so.

Catalina - posted on 03/18/2012

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I was brought up with the same morals....and I decided to go away from that. God gave us free will just think of your son as the prodigal son. God will bring him back. Love him like you always have. But remind him that when you conform to the world there are consequences. Stds, pregnancy. I would ask him why did he decide to have sex? And to remember that sex is not love. Also he is showing lack of respect for himself and whichever girl he is being with. Maybe if you let hum know how you felt when the father of your first child left you. And how still today it effects you. Tell him its not too late to abstain from sex. I would inquire more with him and if he doesnt want to talk about it then remind him he shouldn't be doing it. Adult actions require adult conversations.

Celeste - posted on 03/18/2012

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As a Christian and as his mother is your responsibility to confront him. This is the duty of all believers regardless of age to confront a brother or sister who is in sin. I agree with what Seana

stated. Do it in love.

Cynthia - posted on 03/18/2012

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I think u should leave it alone... He is 18 living under your roof yes but that doesn't change the fact what he does are adult decisions no mattter if you're talking about sex, drinking, murder. He is an adult now! You have taught him your values and he has told you he didn't live by them... But he did respect you enough to tell you. To me that means he still is thinking about what you have taught him. If you confront him that might send him the opposite way to exactly what you don't want.

Now if you re completely against it and him living under your roof you can kick him out... But also you have to be ok with what happens. If he isn't living under your roof then he can take someone home when ever he wants. While living under your roof at least it's not as easy... Hope you find peace in this soon you re a mom and will always be concerned about your kids decisions from who their friends with, sex, drinking, or even marriage. You have taught him and now it's time to let him fly unless he comes looking for advice. I know this is hard to do though:)

Shawn - posted on 03/18/2012

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I have 3 sons and five foster sons, I definitely know your pain. I didn't try to teach my children abstinence for abstinence sake, I taught them that if it was worth having it was worth waiting for. My oldest bio-son was 17 when he lost his virginity, I know this because he got me out of bed to talk about it. He and the young lady had been dating since they were 15, and honestly, I wasn't sure they were still virgins after the first year because her parents would let her stay at our house on movie nights and I had found them on the couch sleeping many times. Guess he listened more than I gave him credit for, because he was honest with me and admitted that he would have done it earlier if she had been ready. Fact is we can only teach them our beliefs, give them a good moral outlook and show them how to place value on the relationship, from there it is up to them. Of course we could lock them in a basement until we are ready for them to grow up, but that doesn't teach them anything. Have faith in yourself and the values you passed on, if you confront him and tell him that you "found" his stash of condoms he is likely to get defensive and sneaky. Better to just open a dialog in a neutral way, use an article on teen pregnancy or something about the rise in STDs and see if you can't get him to open up.

Tina - posted on 03/18/2012

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I would let him know that you found them and then have a conversation about it. Not in a confrontational manner. Be thankful they are unopened, but pray that he did not have sex without using them. I have two 19 year old boys who both lost their virginity at a very young age. I feel your pain! You can preach abstinence - but pray that if they make their own choices they are safe ones.

Kimberley - posted on 03/18/2012

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I wouldn't say anything. IMHO he's using condoms. At least he is taking some type of precaution. I know you don't want your children to have premarital sex, but he is his own person. No matter how hard you try, they are going to do their own thing. All we can do, as parents, is teach them and pray they hear us.

Jenny - posted on 03/18/2012

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I answered earlier and I have 3 daughters. Believe me I know that side very well. I started conversations with them near the age of first menstral period to prepare them and as they each reached the age of 15 went into the next stage of talks. It's always important to speak openly according to age, grasp and understanding and stage of growth. The best we can do is let them know we are there for them no matter what and take the pressure of not accepting or "ALLOWING" things we don't want. Our understanding of things comes from more years of experience and we can only hope that we explain well enough without anger or judgement. I went and go to the gynecologist with them and will for my third when the time comes. Better prepared than sorry. My girls are ages 22, 20 & 15. I can make sure they are responsible - not the boy! So, you rson being responsible is half way.

Kay - posted on 03/17/2012

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@ Penny, I honestly wouldn't encourage any teenager, male or female, to have sex. But I will give my stepdaughers (if I am involved--I usually let dear future husband and his ex handle the parenting with them) the same talk that I would give my sons. Fine tuned for females, of course. I find that girls that are pressured into not having sex--in my case, I came from a conservative Christian home and my mom was very honest with me about the consequences of sex and why I should wait, including my out-of-wedlock conception and how that affected her, even though she and my dad have now been married for nearly three decades--often has the opposite effect. I feel like being open and honest, but still truthful about sex is the best policy, and it is a gender-less policy...

Stifler's - posted on 03/17/2012

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If my daughter was 18 I would still have no right to snoop through her things or lecture her about abstinence. If they have condoms then chances are they know what they are for and what happens when you don't use one.

Carolyn - posted on 03/17/2012

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I would'nt talk to him about this. He is a young adult now and will be out and about on his own soon.

Kate CP - posted on 03/17/2012

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"All true, Kate! I agree with what you say - I hold my breath and hope my girls are safe! I don't like the idea of young girls being on the pill so early though - not good for anyone to be on too long! But what I meant was, what about the girls these 18 year old boys/men are having sex with? Mostly they will be less than 18 years old. There are so many more complications then."



If my daughter were the one dating this boy I would be emphatic about using two forms of birth control. I would also drill into her head to use those condoms EVERY time. I would also tell her if she ever needed money for contraceptives to ask me and I will help.



Like I said, I may not LIKE what they're doing, but I can't stop two consenting adults from having sex. Might as well make sure they're doing it as safely as possible.

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