Fourteen year old daughter wants to move in with her emotionally abusive father

Stassy - posted on 12/02/2014 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I have been the primary caregiver of my daughter since the day she was born. Since she was four, she has gone to her dads house on weekends. Now that she is fourteen, he has convinced her to move in with him and his new wife. He hates my guts and has been very verbally abusive lately, and yet she sides with him. I have sacrificed everything for her. Now I feel abandoned and forgotten. Do I go to court and fight for her? I don't want her to believe I don't care, but I know this is a bad idea. For years she hasn't even wanted to visit him. He tears her apart emotionally and makes her feel stupid and worthless. I have always built her up. She has been dealing with depression and just when I got her assessed by a counselor, he swoops in and convinces her it is my house that makes her sad!!! They have money and can give her stuff that I can't, but I have sacrificed so she could have what she needed and sometimes what she wanted. I have provided for her the best I could. I am on disability, so on a limited budget but I buy all my clothes used and hers new. I have made sure she is very loved and have family and friends who really care about her. I have a big close knit family most of who live close by. She has cousins who are right around the corner. I was married again but we separated because my daughter and husband didn't get along. I am so sad. My whole life I just wanted a baby. I have always loved her with all my heart. Until the last year or two we were always very close. Now I feel like she has no respect for me or sympathy for my feelings.

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Ev - posted on 12/02/2014

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I would let her go. She might think she is going to have it so good over there with minor amount of rules, getting all the stuff she wants, etc. THe saying that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence comes to mind. She thinks its going to be better. Let her spend one sememster there and see what she thinks when she comes for a visit.

Stassy - posted on 12/02/2014

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We were married , been divorced for ten years. We have joint guardianship and joint custody. He and his wife are very agressive. They don't have as many rules, and she wants to go to school with her cousin. They live in another city about forty minutes from my place. Recently I made a dr appointment for my daughter, her father asked when it was so he could come. I told him i didn't want him to come. He showed up and convinced the dr my daughter doesn't have depression. My daughter agreed. I looked like an idiot. She had been at his house before the appointment.

He constantly undermines me. Him and his wife came to my house and invited themselves in. He asked my daughter to tell me the decision they had made. She told me she's moving at the end of the winter holidays. No discussion! They then took her to school and had her information transferred to the new school.

They have been trying to convince her for a while. Making sure they buy her new stuff and take her on trips that I can't provide for her. She seems to forget the times she gets off the phone and cries or goes to her room feeling like a piece of crap.

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Wanda - posted on 12/03/2014

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I have a 14 yr old girl. Freedom is all they want at this age. And they will tolerate quite a bit to get it. I would hate to let her go, but what can u do? It is most likely a stage. Trying to figure herself out. See if the grass is greener as mentioned. But if it doesn't work she will think of u. The party will end..and she will know where she feels loved. And don't resent her for it, as she doesn't even really know what she wants. As moms we take it all to heart, and it's hard...where did our sweet babies go...

Michelle - posted on 12/03/2014

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The court would probably listen to what she wants, but they won't necessarily give it to her. If you have been giving her everything and he has been doing everything to come between you, then she will see that in time. As a teenager, she probably is torn about what it is she really wants. She might just want for you to actually fight for her. Have a talk with her and tell her of your love for her, but also be prepared to let her go, but not until there are actual court orders declaring it.

Have you thought about why she wants to go to her father's? Maybe she gets more "freedom." Or maybe she just wants to know that you still want her with you...

Sarah - posted on 12/02/2014

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If this proceeds to the courts, counseling and a court appointed guardian will most likely be required. This will be helpful. If your daughter is truly being beaten down emotionally by her dad, why does she want to live with him?
If it is a safe place for her physically and emotionally, maybe it would not be terrible for her to spend more time with him?

Amy - posted on 12/02/2014

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At 14 she probably has a say about where she wants to live if it goes through the courts.

Sarah - posted on 12/02/2014

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Were you married to him? Do you have a custodial arrangement that was set by the courts? She is 14, does she have a lot more freedom at his house? Does she have any step or half siblings at her father's house? If you and her have always gotten along, why would she desire to leave now? Especially if he makes her feel stupid and worthless?

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