Freedom? Does it exists for moms?

[deleted account] ( 34 moms have responded )

I work 40 hours a week, Mon-Fri, and once I get off of work, I pick up the kids and become full-time mom. I try to make sure the house is cleaned during the week, laundry done, etc, but it seems like I'm always in a downward spiral. I'm always tired and worn out. After the kids go to bed and if we don't happen to have guests over, I'm in bed by 9 or 10 anyways because I'm taking care of them 99% of the time and then my husband gets frustrated because I'm always tired. I tried going running and working out early mornings, but I miss my sleep, and I haven't been very consistent with it. I don't know what "me time" is anymore... My husband has his friends still call, text, whatever and gets to go out and go out a on a whim, but with me, I never get a call, text, or anything. It seems like once we had our kids, my life has been all mom, no play, and my husband hasn't even changed a bit. (He loves his kids, don't get me wrong). I usually have to call or even ask first and 9 times out of 10, they never follow through. It seems like ever since I've had kids I've lost my social life, my friends, my "me time". Don't get me wrong, I'd do anything for my children but I don't know where to turn. I need me time and some mom friends or something, but I don't know where to start.. any suggestions?

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Becca - posted on 03/24/2013

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As an only parent, there is no such thing as "me time" because the kids are only young for such a short time, I'm not willing to give up being involved with them....seems like you need less company and maybe to not to worry about the house as much....
My "friends" are now pretty much the moms of my sons friends but I manage to chat with my girlfriends on the phone...and if they have kids they are in the same boat.
Tell your husband that his family should be first (they are not just your kids after all) Company is cool on Fri. and Sat. night but not during the week...a few hours Sat with everyone doing chores (no they won't like it and they won't do it like you do... but is it that bad?)will help take some pressure off you to be super mom AND teach the kids that family helps each other and how to manage a home.
Good luck to you!

Christine - posted on 03/19/2013

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I know exactly what u mean! I usually don't get out during the day for more than a couple hours before coming home to a very distraught husband who has been dealing with a very upset 10 month old. I don't know if it'll change or get better when he gets older, I imagine it will once the seperation anxiety lets up a bit but I've had a really hard time adjusting to life as a mother. Many of my friends don't have kids and don't really understand tho I'm making an effort to make new friends with women that also have children. Though ofcourse like any relationship that takes time and some work to build. Meanwhile it can be very lonely being a mom. I totally get it.
I think it's very important for u to schedule your me time at least once a week....and try not to worry about your husband not being able to handle things because he can.. He probably just needs time to get use to it and the kids to him. The more u get out, the easier it will get. It's just hard to let go when we are so consumed by being moms. You sound like an amazing mom and I think you really deserve to be both amazing and happy.
One thing that I do.. Is after I put the baby down to sleep, I get one hour to myself everyday where I don't have to talk to my husband or do anything with him. I had to ask for this time because I was going crazy feeling like I had no time at all for myself going from one obligation to the next so every night.. I get one hour of me time.. I write, I watch bad tv.. Take a bath..
Anyways I hope some of this helps and I hope u really give yourself some time to be alone. Good luck !

Sanny - posted on 03/19/2013

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Hun, you have to schedule weekly "me time". Take 4 hours to yourself! Turn off your phone, but let husband know where your at in case of an emergency! Your husband should be able to figure things out on his own & if he doesn't he will learn with time. I'm 37, work part-time & have 3 super high energy kids under the age of 8. On Friday or Saturday nights my husband takes all 3 kids to his moms house or his brothers house and (tries to give me the guilty treatment) but I ignore. If I don't get that time away, I'm very irritable and just yelling at the kids! And that's no fun! My doc put me on an anti-depressant and wallaaa I feel so much better! I like being at home or going to a movie so if I get some alone time I will catch up on some TV or just do my nails, a facial or something of that sort. Don't let the hubby get off so easy, they are his kids too! You do need to make sure you get 8 hours of sleep, that is key! So if you want to sleep with your 4 hours then go ahead! It's important to take care of yourself too, otherwise you are not gonna be happy, then comes problems, separations, divorces etc.....remember turn off the phone! If there is an emergency tell the hubby to call 911 or 411. Lol!

Abby - posted on 03/23/2013

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Try www.Meetup.com for finding mommy friends.
Now, as for me time...honesty, you're a mom...me time won't exist again for a long time. I would suggest not having people over during the week and then you and dh could spend some time together or you could sleep. My dh and I have an agreement, no people over Monday through Friday. Although I'm a SAHM now, I had a high profile career not too long ago. Even before our two kids (20 months and 4 weeks weeks old), we didn't have people over during the week. Try starting with that option and see if it helps.
Good luck momma and do give Meetup a try.
:)

LaQondia - posted on 03/22/2013

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I can definitely related to what you are saying we have a 3 and 5 year old boys and I constantly find myself with the same situatiion and on top of all that I also attend school once a week. My husband can be very helpful at times but most of the time it is all on me. Social life does disappear when you have kids but I would not trade being a mom for that ever. What i have learned to do is once the kids are bathed, feed, and in bed. I limit the house work I do to washing dishes , sweeping and maybe washing and drying a load or so. keeping in mind to not overload myself during the week with some things that can be put off until the weekend and then picking out what chores need to be done right away and doing them one at a time sometimes it can take all morning but them others it takes the whole weekend but you have to find time to just do enough to get your house the way you can tolerate it without stressing yourself out. then you sit down and not worry about housework, get yourself a cup of coffee, a good book, or just sit alone and let your husband deal with the kids. It helps sometimes to step back and let the dads be in our shoes as mothers for them to really understand all that we do because being a mom I have learned is a 24hr/7 day a week job that does not stop no matter how in order we as women and mothers try to make her household seem. So enjoy your kids and take time for yourself no one will suffer and the world surely will not end. I speak from personal experience I was you then the stress of wearing too many hats landed me a overnight stay in the hospital, dehydrated, BP elevated, and exhausted and guess who had to tend to the housework and the kids ..dear ole dad and everyone survived. A healthy, happy mom makes a healthy, happy family and household. take care

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Felicia - posted on 07/29/2013

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I work full-time and have a half-hour commute to and from work on top of it. Besides that I have to take and drop the kids off and pick them up before and afterward. My husband loves me and our kids and does what he can, but he is working full-time and trying to get through nursing school, so he just doesn't have much time to help me out. That leaves me in the same situation as you, only I don't resent my husband for the way he spends his time (most of the time) since he isn't often running out to go play, but usually at school or doing homework, etc. What it comes down to is the same: I can't do everything. What I have done to manage it all is really analyzed what is important to me and decided what time I am willing to dedicate to what activities. For me, I try to devote some time to exercising, some time to cleaning, some time to making dinner, some time to playing with kids and/or getting them ready for bed, and some time for my personal growth/goals. I made a schedule that is very idealistic of when I would fit everything in and try my best to stick to it and adjust as necessary for the unexpected. Just knowing what my ideal schedule looks like, even though it is difficult to ever follow it is a huge help. It gives me peace of mind when I haven't gotten the whole house cleaned and kept up with laundry and other things. If I spend an hour (or whatever time I have deemed appropriate) cleaning and it's not done, I leave it and come back to it later. I enjoy my kids or do something I want to do and don't feel guilty about what isn't getting done because I know that I am letting it go for something that is more important at the time (and yes, you-time can be more important that cleaning the house sometimes) and I know I have a plan for when I will come back to it. You just have to decide what the balance is and go for it. Don't feel inadequate for not having magical powers to create more time in a day.

The other advice I can offer, is to involve your kids in what you do as much as possible, and when I say as much as possible I am talking about my 4-yr-old and 19-mo-old that help me make dinner and do dishes and do laundry. 1) It keeps them in my view and engaged with me so they aren't coming up with their own potentially troublesome or messy activities while I am busy, 2) it teaches them to work and to be responsible and to understand everything mommy has to do, and 3) it can be an excellent bonding opportunity when there is already too little time to spend with them. Mine love being big helpers: My older one loves to put things in bowls or pots to mix or rip up lettuce for salads or wash potatoes or, with my hand on hers, help me cut things up with a knife (this makes her feel super grown up and proud of herself), or climb up on chairs or counters to put dishes away for me, she'll even help me scrub dishes sometimes. My younger one loves to get the silverware out of the dishwasher and hand it to me to put away, and loves to climb up to the sink with me and help me "rinse off" dishes (which usually is just holding the same cup or spoon under the faucet and playing in the water). They both love "doing" laundry with me. The little one mostly plays with the clothes trying to put them on, but the older one has learned to fold her own shirts and pants and towels and can easily help me sort dirty laundry based on colors. It was actually by helping with laundry a few years ago that I discovered, before she knew any of her colors really, that she could match colors really well (she matched the socks for me). Sometimes it takes a bit longer to allow them to help which can sometimes seem more stressful, but if you think of it as part of the bigger picture, the time together and the self-value and life skills they learn are worth it, and if it avoids other messes to clean up, then in the long run it may be less time-consuming.

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 04/08/2013

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I know how u feel sister! I have this " fight" with my husband bc I started feeling resentful that I sacrificed so much more in order for our child to have what she deserves. I hated watching him go out without a second thought with his friends or be able to stay up late on the weekends bc he knew he could sleep( must be nice huh ) I wouldn't give up my daughter for anything but I thought at least we should be doing it together bc we planned on having this child together ! I think I've realized women are born with a maternal instinct that bonds us to our children that men just don't have , hence the reason we usually end up with most of the child rearing responsibilities plus most men are a little bit lazy!

Gwen - posted on 04/08/2013

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Unless kids grow age of 12-13 its gonna be like this... And moreover when U will have time will your friends will have?

A - posted on 04/07/2013

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Oh yes, one more thing. How old are your kids? Are they old enough to start taking on responsibility for keeping up the house? My daughter is 10 now but she's been assigned chores like emptying the trash, putting laundry in the washer/dryer, etc. and even now cooking. She enjoys the fact that she is given these tasks (well for the most part) and really enjoys cooking. I help her through the first couple of attempts and do the hazardous items such as turning on the oven or what not but she loves it.

A - posted on 04/07/2013

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This sounds to me like you need to have a reality check discussion with your husband. I think as women we tend to think we can do it all and do for the most part. Most men are more than happy and/or oblivious to the fact that we are in need of help and me time. Sit down with your husband and talk to him about sharing more in the responsibility of keeping the house chores up, kids taken care of, cooking etc.. He may need to hear from you what your needs are because frankly some guys just don't get it and unless you bring it up it is not at all likely that he will. Good luck! By the way, my husband and I had this talk and he has been really great about helping out when I need him. He also does not bat an eye when I ask if it's cool if I head out for some me time. A happy wife make for a happy marriage all around.

Elsa - posted on 03/25/2013

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i know exactly what you mean! Before meeting my husband I was a single mom of 1. My husband and I had 3 children each within 2.5 years of each other. My oldest is 11.5 years older than our 1st together. When i was single I used to go out on weekends and have a social life, but since having the 3 little ones, I don't know what that means anymore. Mom is Always the one that the kids turn to for Everything!! It's exhausting! I am a stay home mom now and my husband works. So his social life continues through work. He goes on biz trips, out with the guys for wings and a beer on occasion, etc.. So i know what you mean. But at least you still have work. Can you make a "happy Hour" plan with them and have your husband pick the kids up one day after work for once? I would talk to him about a routine schedule of "me" time and make some dates!! Good luck. Curious to know how it will work.
Elsa

Rachel - posted on 03/24/2013

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We have been taught to "have it all" but sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to not have it all "right now". You will have decades to work- why don't you see if you can get by on one income. I guarantee you will have more friends, a cleaner house, happier kids, and your husband will have a less tired wife- which can only improve your relationship. You are choosing to overwork yourself, and its not sounding like its worth it. I acknowledge that some personalities need to take on the world to be happy, but you aren't happy, so maybe you need to save some of the world for later. Motherhood is a ton of work! Nobody should be trying to squeeze in 40 hours somewhere else. Value your sanity and respect motherhood and your own limitations.

Danielle - posted on 03/24/2013

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Mary i hear ya i take care of 2 boys and i cant say i workbut my job is 24/7 . I stay home and raise my boys while my fiance works all the time and when he is off he plans trips with his coworkers that he sees constantly everyday. ive been on a on going rgument with this for a long time. i just wanna disappear with my kids and see if he notices. lol but forget aout me . YOU need to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF so ur not going off the wall. make a weekend spa without him knowing and relax . turn phones off an sleep all weekend . u need sleep to function. i hope i helped in a way

Andrea - posted on 03/22/2013

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HI Mary,
I know what your going though, believe me.. I have 7 children of my own, 1 has moved out and is 20, 3 are teenagers, one is 10 almost 11, then I have a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old. You didn't mention how old yours are but since you stated you have to pick them up, I'm going to assume they are at least under 10.... Up until the end of Jan I also was working full time..: leaving around 5:30 am and getting home around 4:30 5 days a week.. I get home and have to start dinner, finish helping with the homework, and give baths to the two little ones on bath night.. I finally had to sit every one down and work out a schedule with every one.. don't get me wrong, while I wasn't at home due to work, everyone was helping but as soon as I got home, it was like everyone disappeared and could not be found until it was dinner time... What we did was set up a schedule.. while one of the older children helped the little ones with their homework, another one would fold and put away laundry, my 2 yr old helps who ever has dish duty, by unloading the dishwasher.. my husband already knows what we are doing for dinner as we have a menu placed up and we pick from that, so he has that at least started for us by the time I get home.. He gets two nights a month that his friends come over and they play either games.. sometimes my boys play with them.. I have friends that come over or I get together with them for some little party for selling things or just to talk.. but I also only get two days a month.. then my husband and I get two days a month that is just for us, that we plan, whether its going to the store, or just watching a movie with out the kids.. and the rest of the time we are watching a movie as a family.... It can be done... Set a play date with some of the other mom's at the daycare, or school for a Saturday.. like at a park that you feel safe enough to let your children play while you talk to the other parents.. you make new friends and your just get to play out side of the day care/ school

Deanna - posted on 03/22/2013

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One suggestion is maybe cut down on the hours at work. Just a thought. Another thing is maybe talk to your husband and explain you need some "Me time". Take yourself to a movie. It is nice to get that time to yourself. I normally go to bed early and read for a bit. It is nice.
The main thing is to talk to your husband. Ask for him to watch the kids for 2-3 hours so you can rest up, go to a movie, pamper yourself. Something to get Mommy a Mommy again.

KeeKee - posted on 03/22/2013

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I think some of the suggestions made are great ideas. But the main thing you need to do is talk with your husband so that more responsibilites can be shared. You're married, you shouldn't have to live as a single mother. I am a single mother of one. I also work 40 hrs a week along with basketball practice 2 hrs a day mon-thurs with tournaments on the weekends. I still find time for myself even if it is taking a book with me to practice to read. Or staying up a little later after my child has went to bed. And there is always the option of a sitter so that maybe you and your husband can get out together. Why not invite the guest you just happen to have over from time to time to go out?

Dana - posted on 03/22/2013

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I just don't know there's a real answer for that one. I've been married for 20 yrs, my youngest is 13, and we have two girls about to be 24 & 22. I'm so exhausted and burnt out from assuming responsibilities that my husband wouldn't even acknowledge, that I don't know what to do with myself anymore. My son still needs me, and I feel all used up. I really just don't get what I could have done to made it better for myself. I hit brick walls with everything I tried, and I think I tried everything in the book. I think I've just give up, and pray daily for my son to be okay. I've just been boiled down to that one thing. After that, it's just over. My husband will never change. Now that's about as honest as a person can be right there.

Julie - posted on 03/21/2013

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Hmmmm yes it's the story on most of our lips isn't it. You don't have a husband you have an extra child. They want they're cake and to be able to eat it too! There are some very understanding husbands out there, I would like to find one myself as mine Was just like that and abusive, let's not not go there. Now go some advice. If you can communicate with your husband tell him how you feel then tell him exactly what your are going to do about it for eg he can look after them while you go out. Just ask yourself what Is the worst that can happen, he should respect what you do end of story. I wish I had of been stronger in my relationship I know now what I'm worth and will take no less :)

Penny - posted on 03/21/2013

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You are not alone. I think a lot of mums feel the same way. If your old friends still don't have kids, try making new friends from your kid's classes/day care.
I have just broken out of this very rutt! I organised drinks with the other day care mums (my kids are 1 and 3, work full time), and the first time they ALL came! I think everyone was about to emplode! we've now decided to make it a regular event, with someone different organizing each time. Not everyone comes all the time now, but at least they have the option. I have figured out who I get along with really well now, and ask that mum out for coffee sometimes, too. Hubby doesn't have much say, but I try to organize things as best I can before I go out, so he can enjoy his time with the kids (and hopefully not be against doing it again)!

Jean - posted on 03/21/2013

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Schedule it with him. My husband is the same way. I told him either your coming to see a marriage counselor with me or your going to hear what I have to say and really Hear me. I gave him a schedule of all the things I'm going to do each month where he will be required to take care of the kids. Scrapbook club, book club, twin mom dinner out, twin mom monthly club meeting, movie night, etc. have him put it in his schedule/calendar. Then GO. even SWAT teams can not be on duty 24/7. It leads to drinking and excessive behavior from the chronic stress of being on call every day. You need time off. its that simple. if he wont help, get a sitter and have him pay for it, Gradually include him during the day as well. If a kid comes to you for cough medicine, go and ask hubby to get it for them because you are busy doing ..... Whatever. When the kids are getting out of the tub, ask him to help them brush teeth or read a book while you dry off kids or clean tub. Work him in, in little ways so he gets some training, so when you are out he is not a total numbskull and will know how to do some stuff. Have him take over 1-2 things that happen EVERY DAY so he gets into a routine of helping out. He has gotten used to you doing it all. You need to drag him back into the game. Have him be in charge of reading the bedtime story, and brushing teeth maybe. Think of what would work with his schedule. Bottom line. You need time off. If he won't give it. Then take it. It's for your sanity and your health and you are going to be a much much better mom and wife if you do it on a regular basis. He will be so much happier. He'll have a wife who actually wants to spend time with him.

Munique - posted on 03/21/2013

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I think the one thing that makes me crazy is when people say, "You've got a kid, what makes you think you have the right to play a game or go somewhere? Either grow up and go be a mom, or have a life! You only get one." Um, No. I don't. In my last relationship my ex and I both worked full-time jobs, plus I was in Paramedic School (2 nights a week of class plus HOURS of clinical time), PLUS I was a soccer coach of twin 10-year old boys, plus I was the room mother, AND then we added his other son from a different mom so I had to start potty-training a 6 year old and I picked up a p/t job on the side. I had NO "me" time, but I did it. He had to start helping at home with dinner, bed, breakfast and off-to-school because I had evening classes/clinical time & I worked overnights..... He went up to the fire dept (he was a volunteer) to work bingo and hang out sometimes, use the gym, etc. I worked, schooled, helped with homework, potty-trained, and supervised to dog walking/pet care & laundry/dishes.

My new relationship, I don't work right now, but i'm a college student and our baby girl just turned 1. She just started going to daycare right before her 1st b-day, and my fiancee comes home late from work some nights so I do house/dinner/baby & try to give him time to relax.....so more diapers. He helps distract her if I'm cooking dinner and we usually both work together to change the poopy diapers because she's at that age where she wants to get up and run or play in it (EWWWWW). I do baths & prep for school, get his lunch packed every morning after waking him up, take her to EHS and come home to get ready for my school plus any household chores/errands. I DON'T go out, but then I'm not making any real money to contribute enough to earn it.... I don't have friends here (I'm from PA & now living in MD) so I have nobody to go out with, and right now my "bright side" is randomly playing an online multi-player game with "voice chat friends" or that soon I'll be part-time subbing at the daycare and I'll have YMCA gym privileges.
I still hate when people say "Choose one, Motherhood or having a life"

[deleted account]

Thanks to all who has supported in this and given insight. I think the main reason is that I'm trying to do everything and I'm not even trying to talk with him about helping. I've learned with comunication is the best key in relationships and we haev also agreed to start working out and getting in shape together because we are not in the best shape in the world right now and I think with that has a lot to do with our fustration and aruging. Plus once we figure out our date night situation, this alone time with each other will bring our relationship closer and help releve some of the stress built up over the years. Thanks! :) Plus I'll be checking out that website for groups to join in my area, I defantly need some girl time, and mom alone time for sure. :)

Jenn - posted on 03/20/2013

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Start with a mani/pedi...you CAN go by yourself. It is very relaxing..sometimes you just need silence. Not to speak or be spoken to. Feels great when you are stressed ; )

Minet - posted on 03/20/2013

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A mature discussion with hubs about taking some time for yourself should be in your immediate future. Taking "me" time doesn't aways mean leaving the house. My husband has the duty of putting the kids to bed every night. I also work 40 hours a week and get home and turn into supermom every night. But as soon as the kids have their bath, it's tme for hubs to take over. That's usually around 8:00-8:30. Then I close my bedroom door and read, take a bath, or just watch TV. Teaching the kids that this is "mommy time" is so important. As long as the household is all aware and in support of it, you can take some valuable time back for yourself.

Finding friends that are in the same boat isn't hard. Look at your neighborhood and you will find moms just like you. I like the idea of a meet-up club, see if there is one in your area. A lot of times, my church will have a bunco night. See if there is a club in your area for playing a game you love, ie. pinochle, poker, shuffleboard, bocce ball, etc. I'm in a bunco club and believe me, it's never about the game... it's about meeting with 11 (at the time they were) strangers, eating dinner, laughing and sharing.

Just remember the key is coming to a conclusion that works best for your family dynamics and that the entire family is on board. Sometimes this means you have to be assertive with your mate. Sometimes they can be so obtuse, the little dears!

Good luck!

[deleted account]

I have talked recently with my husband and I told him about relaxing from time to time to get myself some sort of energy so I'm not always going 24/7. I've also talked with him about about once a month we take the kids to either my parents, his or get a babysitter and have an evening to ourselves. This shoudl help, and I've started to put my foot down about going to workout after work because its my stress relef and also helps gain more energy. (plus i have our anniversiry comming up in 3 months so I want to look nice). I did last night not do anything, let the kids run around and make a mess (which was hard to do) and he helped clean up after dinner and also helped me clean the house after we put our younger 2 to bed. I should do this more often... :) thanks for all the support. (hopefully this can keep up how its going as well.)

Amanda - posted on 03/19/2013

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You have just described my household, it is kind of comforting knowing I am not the only one...I have a gym memebership with daycare, sometimes I work out, sometime I just lay in the sauna and take a long shower...I am also working on communicating better with the Hubby and leaving him to his own resources with the kids, only problem there is I get to come home and clean up the mess (grrr) but atleast the kids are alive and fed :) I am also trying to schedule a weekend way, because I can feel myself breaking down, I NEED to regenrate to be a better mom...best of luck

Katy - posted on 03/18/2013

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I would definately talk to him about helping out. I am a stay at home mom, but sometimes I feel the same way. I let my hubby know about a week or two in advance for a Saturday off. I am preggo with number 3 right now and have let him know that before the baby comes, I want a Saturday to myself. Communication is huge when it comes to taking care of kids. Leave instructions with him before you go out, if you think he needs it. Hopefully that will curb any calls or texts.

Isabella - posted on 03/18/2013

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Sweet, beautiful, mama. Try finding groups on MeetUp.com. I am apart of several and they're great! I am in one for Single Moms, Young Moms, Cool Moms, and other non-parenting ones. I have found that that is a great resources to find other parent friends to go out with my little with or to go out on mom's nights with. Perhaps if you had a mom night, your children could be with the other children and that way you wouldn't get a text or call saying to come home early. It could even give the dads a chance to bond. Good luck, ma. You're doing a great job and are a fantastic mom!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/18/2013

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Well your husband needs to grow up and take care of his own children. He is acting like an asshole.

[deleted account]

Yea I do try to let him know I'd like to go places without my kids for a little (like he does all the time) but it seems like whenever I do get a chance to get away (even if its just going to get dinner, groceries, whatever) If I'm gone for only an hour or so I usually get a phone call, text or something asking when am I going to be home. I'm getting fustrated because it seems like no one else knows how to watch my kids and its "so overwellming" for them but I was a stay at home mother once my son was born up until my daughter was 6 months (that was a little ver 2 1/2 years) then I went back to work full time and I can handle them. I've almost given up completly on asking for someone to watch them (whether its my husband, my mom, dad or whoever) I can't ever relax because I'll end up getting a phone call, text or something about coming back home early.... -.-

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/16/2013

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I would be talking with your husband about needing some help with the kids. Not sure why he feels he gets to play all the time when he has children to take care of. Start by telling him you are going to take a day to yourself, even if it is only a few hours. This will regenerate you greatly. Go on a nice walk, or shopping, pedicure, or out to lunch with a friend, whatever would make you happy. It is not fair when men do this, and really you need to speak up.

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