Friends who have put there kids on ADHD

User - posted on 05/30/2011 ( 20 moms have responded )

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I was wondering if it is wrong of me to possibly stop being friends or close friends with someone who has choose to use meds on there kids for ADHD/ADD. I am 100% against it and have been dealing with my child for 15 years. WE have managed. So when i findout someone who i have talked tons about it with and they go the opposite. Is it okay to be upset and decide that maybe we just don't have the same things in common. Or Am i being self centred.

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Sherri - posted on 05/30/2011

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So let me get this right....You are going to end a friendship for a mother doing the best she possibly can for her child???? Sounds to me like YOU were never a true friend in the first place.

I have a ADD child and we suffered through it for 12 yrs. I did everything humanly possible not to medicate him and you know what in the end I realized I was only punishing him for my issues on the medication. After 6mo's of medication he is finally thriving and I have to live with the fact that I let him feel like a failure all these years for nothing.

If this is truly how you feel you are NOT a friend and I would be embarrassed to be associated with you. How cruel to punish a mother for trying to do the absolute best for her child.

Jenni - posted on 05/30/2011

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Well, you can't expect that what works for your family, works for everyone's family. It seems like an odd thing to stop being friends with someone over. Is the friendship not all that strong? How does it affect you?
It doesn't matter how much you've talked to them about it. It is ultimately their decision and has zero effect on you. They are only doing what they feel is best for *their* family and it seems like a silly reason to stop being friends.

Jane - posted on 05/31/2011

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"most illnesses are from weak immune systems."

Not at all. Most illnesses are from exposure to germs that invade the body. Most recoveries are due to the immune system being able to figure what to do to fight the germs and kill them. This takes time with a germ the immune system has never met before, time that the germs use to multiply and make the person sicker.

Vaccinations just teach the immune system what to look for in advance so it doesn't have to spend time trying to figure out how to fight an infection. It can jump on it before you even realize you have been infected and before the germs have been able to reproduce. Thus, those who are vaccinated to a disease seem not to ever get that disease. In fact, their bodies are invaded like everyone else's but their immune systems have been taught what to do.

Fortunately for your children, so many other folks wisely vaccinate their kids that your kids won't run into the really nasty illnesses very often. But if they do they will get sick. And many of the "childhood diseases" become extremely serious when infecting an adult.

Did you know that droplets from a sneeze can travel up to forty feet? Rates of Whooping Cough are rising because of unvaccinated children?

As Sharon says, everybody has an opinion. However, facts are facts even though you may ignore them. It's those pesky facts that will catch up to the unvaccinated some day.

My dad lost his best friend within 24 hours to polio, before the vaccine was invented. My husband was exposed to tuberculosis before the vaccine was invented and so carried that germ for life. Another friend managed to get chicken pox as an adult and spent four weeks in hospital because as an adult the pox spread not just all over the outside of his body, but also all over the inside, too. This included his lungs. He almost died.

Remember these people the next time you spout off your opinion.

Jane - posted on 05/30/2011

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I am glad that you were able to raise your child without medication. But your child is not your friend's child, and your child's ADHD is not her child's ADHD. There are many, many variations in children and in ADHD, and so what works for some kids doesn't work for others.

I have two children. One is ADD and has coped beautifully without meds by using sports to help her focus. The other is ADHD, and cannot sit still in a classroom no matter what he does. He takes meds so he can cope. Two kids in the same family but with different degrees of ADHD/ADD and different coping skills. As a result, two different ways of dealing with two different kids.

I am glad your child has been able to cope without medications. I sincerely hope that he will continue to cope well without medications. However, I pray that you never start to think what your child might have achieved if he had had the benefit of medications.

So yes, I do think it is wrong to stop being friends with someone over her decision to do what she believes is the right thing for her child.

If you are true friends then I suspect there is more in common between you than opinions on ADHD.

Sherri - posted on 05/30/2011

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Well if you are so against such things, then you need to find a group with people with similar beliefs as yourself especially if you will judge others for doing what they feel is right.
I disagree strongly with your decision to not vaccinate or give your child a prescription if they needed one. Actually I feel as strongly for it as you do against it. However, with that being said I wouldn't defriend you because your beliefs are very different then my own. I would simply state my opinion on the subject and reasons for my beliefs and simply move on. You would know my stance, I would know yours and I would just know that we both thought we were doing the very best for our children. End of discussion.
Just seems very shallow and so very petty to me. If you guys were true friends in the first place, you wouldn't even question it and it just wouldn't matter.

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Annemarie - posted on 06/02/2011

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Self Centered, or not open minded to others choices. There are all kinds of ADHD/ADD. I had two children, one moderate, the other off the wall! I would have never survived without meds!! I am a tough woman, and my boys put me through things no mother should ever have to go through. Thank goodness we all made it, they are 22 and 25 now! I love them dearly but they are who they are. Since you dont give your children/child any meds, I see who you really are. You let your child suffer all these years without any meds, for your own purpose. You need to re evaluate your selfish self!!

Shannon - posted on 06/01/2011

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self centered!! My 4 yr old is adhd and just started on meds. He is abusive to my 1 yr old daughter and is a danger to himself due to his hyper activity. He has had 3 broken bones and stitches all due to being hyper! Is it fair to punish a child for being bad when you arent doing anything about their issues? Also meds i agree with but meds without counselling i dont!!! Meds dont fix everything we go to counscling once a week also. Dont be so judgemental maybe u disagree but u have to understand every family is different what may work for u wont work for someone else!! U wanted a opinion so heres mine!:) Have a great day:)

Sharon - posted on 05/31/2011

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Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one. Congratulations on having one.

I don't see any reason for the topic to continually keep coming up between the two of you. "FRIENDSHIP" denotes more than just spouting your party line rhetoric. Sometimes it means shutting your piehole and just letting your friend vent about a situation you predicted would happen if she followed a particular course of action.

Ask yourself.... who will you lean on when your son comes down with measles or polio as an adult and is horribly crippled or sterilised? Are you expecting everyone to pull the "I told you so." card?

You aren't true to yourself, so much as obnoxiously dedicated to putting everyone around down for disagreeing with you.

[deleted account]

I get the sense this is not really about ADHD, but about your feelings about medication. You must know that you hold the minority view by being so vehmently anti-meds right?

It's great having an opinion - even a strong one. But do you really want to live in a world where everybody you socialize with agrees with you. Do you really feel the need to stand up for what you believe in by an uncompromised commitment to share your opinions with all. Even if it hurts their feelings? Even if your opinion at the moment is unwanted?

Years ago I was student teaching at a school that had some Jehovah's Witness children in it. They did not believe in saying the pledge of alligence or in any holiday parties. This was fine. They did not have to say the pledge and I could certainly find other activities for them to do during the parties. But the problem was they kept stomping their feet, clapping and loudly proclaiming their unhappiness at anyone else participating in these events. They were not only commited to a belief - a noble cause. They were committed to not letting anyone else do what they disagreed with, a rather ignoble cause if you ask me.

Jenni - posted on 05/31/2011

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lol you need to join the Debating Mums community. ;) It's a safe place to express strong opinions and vent them in the appropriate decourum.



If the topic comes up, why not just say; you already know my opinion on it. It's probably better we don't discuss it because I have a very strong opposing view on it. Then, move on...



I personally, have very strong views against not vaccinating but I also understand there is a time and a place to let my views be known. If I had a friend who was anit-vax, I wouldn't dissolve the friendship over it... I may not allow my newborn around her children until my child is fully up to date on their vaccinations but I couldn't hang up my friendship over it. If the topic came up I would simply state as I did above. It's probably better we don't discuss it. Same as I wouldn't debate religion or politics with a friend if I knew it was sensitive topic for them. You can't expect to agree on everything with a friend. Heck, even my husband and I have opposing view points on certain topics that I tend to avoid discussing with him, if I feel it may get heated. There are just so many other things that *can* be discussed.



I air my rants, riské or controversial opinions online on a forum that is dedicated to them. ;)

User - posted on 05/31/2011

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that krista is the point that i am having trouble with. Is that often i just stand back and don't stand up for what i believe in becuase i don't want to hurt there feelings or think that i think they are doing a bad job. It isn't that i can not let others have there own opinon or be open minded. But when they talk about it i am a very staright forward person and like to say what is on my mind. I don't want to have to say something nice to save face. I want to be able to say how i feel if it is brought up. I would avoid it at all cost. It isn't like i am just going to end it - but at the same time we have different values. As for my kids not getting vaccinated - my kids have a extremely strong immune system and they rarely get sick so most illnesses are from weak immune systems. And certainly i am not out to hurt anyone -

Krista - posted on 05/31/2011

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but it is something that i am against and i want to be surrounded by people wanting the same thing as myself.

Well, that is your prerogative. I don't think it's healthy, however, and I don't think it's a good lesson to give your children. When you have friendships with people who feel differently than you do on matters, it tends to make you a more open-minded and empathetic person. Conversely, if someone is only friends with people who think identically to them, it tends to make them very narrow-minded and completely unable to understand different viewpoints.

I do not vacinate my kids, they have never had a perscribtion in there body. It isn't so much about being her friend but about sharing things with her.

You know, if anybody has the right to end the friendship over medical matters, it's HER. Her giving her kid ADHD meds does not affect or harm or endanger YOUR kid in any way. But you refusing to immunize your child COULD affect, harm or endanger HER child. But, that's another debate.

It's up to you, basically. If you feel so strongly about being anti-meds that you can't even show basic respect to someone who feels differently, then you might as well end the friendship now and be done with it. You wouldn't be the first person to put ideology ahead of friendship and you won't be the last.

But, if you do want to keep the friendship, then yeah, you're going to have to suck it up and avoid the topic.

I know you pride yourself on being 100% true to who you are, but I find that often, people use that philosophy as an excuse to be rude and uncompromising.

Really, the ball is in your court. You don't need our permission or approval. But I would say to either suck it up and deal, and avoid that topic with your friend, OR, end the friendship and be done with it. Because if you try to stay her friend while staying "100% true to yourself" and making comments or criticisms when the topic of her kid's health comes up, then all you're going to do is hurt someone who doesn't deserve it.

[deleted account]

Wow. No parent wants to put their kid on meds. Sometimes parents and children make difficult decisions based on what works best for them. Would you really end a relationship over somebody making a decision about what works best for them? You don't have to walk on eggshells in order to avoid the subject. It's called live and let live. One of the most empowering things I ever learned was that I didn't have to be right all the time. And I certainly didn't have to bring others to my way of doing things.

JuLeah - posted on 05/30/2011

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It is not about self centered, but it is about judgement. Who are you to judge them? You believe you are right for you, what makes you think you are right for anyone else?
And, if you actually care about the kids, and I assume that is part of what drives your opinion, then how is your walking away going to help them?
I am not suugesting you preach or nag at the parents'. They will walk away from you before long if you go that route.
But, show them how you do it with your kid ... show them the information you read that helped you make your choice.
Some kids, and I worked as a special ed teacher, do respond well to meds and their lives are better for it.
Are the med we have good for them? No. Are they actually dealing with the problem, No.
But, for kids who would reather die then deal with another school week like the last, for kids with no friends, kids who are 10 and can't yet read, kids that get violent with sibs and parents .... for families that have tried everything else ....The meds get the behaviors under control while new tools and skills are learned ..... new behaviors can't be learned untill the beaviors are under control.
You opinion is just that, your opinion. Your way is just your way. There are as many different opinions out there as there are people and odds are someone would disagree just as stronlgy with something you do as you disagre with these parents.

Casey - posted on 05/30/2011

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Your being self centred sorry but it's true.
If you and your friend both have children that have ADHD and you decide to go down one path with your child and she decides to go down a different path with hers then there is nothing wrong with that and shes not a bad parent for deciding to go a different way to you and who knows maybe she finds it harder to deal with or maybe her childs ADHD is worse then your childs I am sure she has her reasons for medicating her child and I am sure she is doing what is best for her child and the rest of her family.
I think it is ridiculous to end a friendship over something so minor surely to god you based your friendship on something more solid then weather to medicate or not to medicate your ADHD children and I am sure you and her can still find plenty of different things to discuss then this one topic, infact if you are going to remain friends then it's best to leave the medicating side of this topic well alone if you feel that passionately about it cause there is no point in hurting her feelings just to get your point across.
Just do what is right for you and your child and let her do whats right for herself and her child.

User - posted on 05/30/2011

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thanks for all your comments, one thing about me is I prefer to live a 100% true to who i am - I am passionate about everything i do. I do not want to have to walk on egg shells every time this issue comes up. If it was 100% the last thing maybe. But when you find out one minute and the next day you have them on meds. I think it is a cop out. I am more then happy that she is doing what is best and what works for her family - but it is something that i am against and i want to be surrounded by people wanting the same thing as myself. I do not vacinate my kids, they have never had a perscribtion in there body. It isn't so much about being her friend but about sharing things with her.

Brittany - posted on 05/30/2011

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You can look up studies and find that the meds for ADD/ADHD work on some and do not work on others. I think ending a friendship over the MOTHER of the CHILD deciding to use the meds because, they work for her child, is a bit self centered.

You have to understand that. This is what works for HER family. This is the route that the doctor and her talked about for her child. Support her in her decision. If this is still a sore topic then just don't talk about it.

Sandra - posted on 05/30/2011

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I come from a long line of ADDand ADHD people in my family. I think it is kinda shallow to end a friendship over something like this. Every person with it has a varying degree of it. My 1 child is 10+ with ADHD and had to be put on meds by 4 1/2. The other is like a 5 with ADD and didn't require meds until about grade 3 when she had to really stay focused. Thats like saying you would stop being friends with someone who has to start giving insulin to their diabetic child because they should just control it with diet. Medication for ADHD is a blessing, I know, I have to take it in certain situations myself as an adult. Life as a child without meds was a very sad/lonley life. My kids on their meds as a child was a blessing as they didn't have to grow up with all the bad stigma that went with it and they were able to learn disipline over their own bodies and as a result they could blend more in with the "normal" children and have friends.

Krista - posted on 05/30/2011

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It's up to you as to who you want as friends. However, that would be a very silly and superficial reason to end a friendship.

So yes, YOU have managed. Good for you. That does not mean that what worked for you will work for every kid with ADHD/ADD. For all that you know, your friend's kid's case could be more severe, or different in some way.

It's okay to suggest alternatives to meds, of course. But at the end of the day, it's up to the child's parents and the child's doctors. Not you. And to place some sort of moral judgment upon doesn't make YOU a very good friend, does it?

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