full custody of my five month old baby

Apple - posted on 08/16/2015 ( 23 moms have responded )

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I am 20 years old. I live in New York. I have a five month old baby and never been married, I'm not married with my son's father. We broke up because he was cheated on me when our baby is two months old. One time, he went to our house and argued with my mom because he can't take our son out, I said no because my son is sleeping and he always does that, insisting to take our son out even when he is sleeping and he wakes him up. And he was threatening us that he is going to a court and will file full custody for our son. He is coming up stories that he doesn't see our child but it's not true. he always go to our house whenever he wants or after his work until midnight. He was demanding to take our son out and when I said no, he will get mad. I have right to say no, right? and we had an agreement that everytime he taking out our son I want to be supervise them because as a mother I'm scared that he will take away my child to me. Now I want to file full custody for my son, he doesn't pay child support as well. the last he give me 100$ was on May 2015 and that was the first and last. He also do cyber sex and lot of girls and had a case two years ago I'm the primary caretaker of my son. the problem I have no job because no one can take care of my son that's why my mom decided to support us financially just to be sure that my son is in good hands and taking good care by me. Do I have a big chance to win the case?

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Dove - posted on 08/17/2015

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At 5 months old... chances are pretty good that the baby will be asleep at least during SOME of the visitations w/ his father. It really sounds like you both need to get lawyers and go to court asap. If you are worried about him taking off w/ your baby you go and file for temporary emergency custody, but allowing him visitations. Once a temporary order is in place NEITHER of you will be allowed to leave the state (or maybe county... if you both live in the same county) w/ the child until permanent orders are in place.

From everything you have said... getting joint custody is most likely. Typically, the only way for either parent to get FULL custody is w/ a very solid reason (like documented evidence of abuse against the child). Now... seeing as how he is still an infant you might get primary physical custody for the time being... but even that depends on the judge and the case.

You NEED to have visitation orders spelled out and yes, send your baby during those times even if the child is sleeping.

I know this isn't easy. He's your baby and you want to spend every second w/ him... those feelings are NORMAL... but when you have a child and are not w/ his/her father... sharing the kid is what you have to do. It will get easier w/ time.

Raye - posted on 08/17/2015

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Neither parent has a preferred right to custody of their child(ren) in New York. This means, for example, that the child’s mother does NOT have a greater right to custody of the child than the legal father. If there is no custody order, either parent can keep the child with him or her. This is why you have to go to court to get it straightened out in the eyes of the law.

The father does have rights. You can't dictate all the terms to the father. If you have a court order for custody and he has court awarded visitation, then you both will know what your rights and responsibilities are. He will have a schedule of exactly when he is allowed to spend time with the child, and you will know when to expect the child back in your care. Right now, he could take the child and the police couldn't help you, because there's no lawful court order to enforce. It would be your word against his, and the police would leave you to fight it out. Having custody and visitation spelled out through court orders is a protection for you, your child, and the father.

You should also file for child support, although (as the other ladies have said) child support is completely separate from custody or visitation. You can't rent your child out to the father only when he pays you something. That's not how it works.

Remove all emotions from it. You are not his girlfriend any more, so he can sleep with the entire Giants cheerleading squad, and it shouldn't make any difference to you. Stop trying to control him. You need to communicate with him to build trust and co-parent your child effectively. You and the father have a lot of growing up to do.

Raye - posted on 08/19/2015

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Lynn, I like a lot of what you said, but I disagree about court being the last resort. It is the ONLY legal protection for everyone involved.

Lynn - posted on 08/19/2015

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Apple,
I know of your concerns and can relate. But I think you have to also look at it from his perspective. You both made this baby, so why are you the mother automatically allowed to say when he can see the baby? I know you love your baby and us women think that because we carried the baby for 9 months that we care or love them more. And that definitely is not true. Imagine if you were in his shoes, you have to ask when you can see the baby and if the baby is sleeping he denies you. What if you work all day, 5 days a week and after work you want to see your baby and he tells you no because the baby is sleep. Court is never fun, it takes a lot of time and some times a lot of money. Don't hold his personal problems against him for his capability of being a father. In your situation right now, if you take him to court it might actually be worst for you. You might actually get the short end of the stick. He could flip it on you and say you deny visitations, you can not financially support your child, and you are not providing. With courts they care for the babys well being. They don't care about which parent loves and cares for the baby the most. Its about which parent is the best choice for the baby and which parent can support the baby. The government does not want to use their funding to raise a mans baby who is actually trying to see their child everyday after work who in their eyes if he works is a abiding citizen. So if I were you I would think it over and reconsider. Everyone makes mistakes and doesn't make the best choices but he can do the same and use your mistakes or your past against you too. Court should be last resort not the first.
He is the father. You and him should try to work out a schedule of when he gets the baby and when you get the baby. N regardless if the baby is sleep or not stick to your schedule. And if he sees the baby or takes the baby if its 50/50 you really wont get child support. unless his time with the baby is less.
I hope this helps. I just see a lot of women who are angry when they have a child with a man who don't want to come see their baby. N then women who complain about a man who wants to see their baby but only on the womens time.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/17/2015

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" I just don't want him to get the full custody coz as a mother and I love my child I don't want him to be taken from me" Maybe he's tired of you having the child and restricting access. As a FATHER, he loves his child, and is not happy with the child not having access to HIM!

"all I want is to be with my child even when he is with his father": Well, then get some relationship counseling so that the two of you can raise the child together.

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Dove - posted on 08/20/2015

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Filed through court... not notarized through court. Oops... used the wrong word. ;)

Raye - posted on 08/20/2015

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If you can come to a custody/visitation agreement outside of the courts, you should still submit it to the court to make it legal. As I mentioned before, if there's no court order, the father could run off with the child and the police won't do a damn thing about it. They would have nothing legally binding to enforce. Is THAT the time you really want to start court proceedings? After something bad happens?

Having a personal agreement, even notarized, is not worth the paper it's printed on. It's a psychological security blanket that might make you feel better, but holds no weight under the law. All a notary does is say "yep, this person signed it". It needs to be filed in the court for the police to take action against a violation of the order. Going against a personal agreement is only a breech of contract which is a civil case, and then, yes you will be forced to go to court to TRY to get your child back.

Jodi - posted on 08/20/2015

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Lynn, My understanding of what you were advising her was NOT to go through the court system because she won't get a good deal if the best interests of the child were taken into consideration.

But yes, she still needs to file custody and visitation through the courts.

Dove - posted on 08/19/2015

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You don't have to fight it out in court if both can agree, but you DO need the agreement notarized by the courts to have any legal standing to protect everyone involved.

Lynn - posted on 08/19/2015

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Well from all the money we spent in 11 years and all the expensive advice from our lawyers we have been told that court should be last resort. I'm not saying don't document all your agreements.

If both parents agree on one thing, sign and get the document notarized. Keep it and when either party breaks the agreement document time and date. If it becomes where either party no longer follows the document than go to court.

The court system is too busy and occupied with real issues. They will tell you to try to work it out first on your own. If that doesn't work then go to court to have them decide.

My sister did the same thing. Her lawyer and her babys fathers lawyer met and went over the agreements. At first there was a lot of disagreements but they finally came down to something that worked. signed the agreement. Never went to court. They continue to follow the agreement and its been 4 years. Their lawyer have advised them that if and when either party wants to change or alter the agreement they can just discuss it and try to agree on it.

How do we teach and preach to our children about not tattling when in a situation like this we say run to the courts everytime, all the time. We teach our kids to first try to solve the problem. If they can't solve it than come to us as parents for help. Adults have to do the same as well.

Jodi-

Your first paragraph, that was what I was telling apple! That courts don't care about love or care. It's about whats best for the kid.

And yes I get that the mothers rights should be included. BUT!!! it's just like I explained to Apple, you can say all the bad things about the dad and his choices but who is to say Apple is doing the best? If he has a past, I'm sure she does too! And I'm just saying to Apple, don't go there with his past if you have one too. Cause it can get nasty when you start a custody battle and end it with which parents have done what.

Fix the problem at hand. Not add more problems and hate. N truly no parent has the right to say who is better than who. its about who provides and which parent is the best intersest for the kid.

Jodi - posted on 08/19/2015

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"With courts they care for the babys well being. They don't care about which parent loves and cares for the baby the most. Its about which parent is the best choice for the baby and which parent can support the baby."

Uh, and how is that a bad thing that the courts do this? It SHOULD be about the best interests of the child, not about the parents needs.....

I, too, disagree that court is the last resort. A legal agreement/court order is necessary to protect all parties involved, including the rights of the mother in this instance.

Jodi - posted on 08/17/2015

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"I just said no because he is sleeping. my point is, he has all the demands and in my part I don't have the right to decide?"

And my point is, get some court orders so his times to take the baby are spelled out and there is no ambiguity.

And no, YOU don't have the right to decide. That is why we have such things as custody and visitation orders.

"when he's with our son, I don't notice them, I just watching them play."

And again, he has a right to time with his son without you watching over his shoulder. You really need to get used to the fact that he DOES have a right to time alone with his child without you. If you continue to try and control his time with his child, then I don't blame him for wanting to file for custody of some sort.

Priscille - posted on 08/17/2015

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You don't trust him, and that is totally understandable. He seems to be engaging in activities that isn't earning your trust right now.

On the other hand he also doesn't trust that he will be able to see his child the way he wants to. Otherwise he wouldn't threaten to go to court.

You seem to be very insightful and clever. Could you find a way to earn his trust back and lean towards finding a way where he could engage with his child in a way that he enjoys that you would be okay with?

My belief is, the more he will feel that he is trustworthy in your eyes with your/his child, the more he might engage into behaviors that are not so irrational about seeing him.

Apple - posted on 08/17/2015

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I just said no because he is sleeping. my point is, he has all the demands and in my part I don't have the right to decide? I'm not taking him away from his dad. and when he's with our son, I don't notice them, I just watching them play. I also give him advice what our son likes when he's grumpy. or I let him feed our child

Jodi - posted on 08/17/2015

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"he can visit our son whenever and anytime he wants"

Well, clearly he can't because when he has tried, you've said no.

But it is highly unlikely he will get full custody. I would say at best the two of you may get joint custody. Have you spoken to a lawyer? That would be the best thing to do. But using the "as a mother" card doesn't cut it - he is the father. As a father, he loves his child too.

"all I want is to be with my child even when he is with his father."

Um, no. That isn't what is necessarily best for your child. Your son is entitled to a relationship with his dad apart from you. Eventually, the father WILL get visitation and it WILL be away from you. He will also most likely get overnights (maybe not while the child is this young, but as he gets older) and you are just kind of going to have to suck it up.

"I just want to be with my child even when his father wants to take him out. but in my part, i don't have the right? "

The father has a right to spend alone time with the child without you. I think you need to start getting used to that idea.

Apple - posted on 08/17/2015

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child support is not an issue. i don't care if he is not giving money or not. I just want to be with my child even when his father wants to take him out. but in my part, i don't have the right? is, he has a right and demand. unfair

Apple - posted on 08/17/2015

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visitation is not an issue to me, he can visit our son whenever and anytime he wants. I just don't want him to get the full custody coz as a mother and I love my child I don't want him to be taken from me. and all I want is to be with my child even when he is with his father.

Jodi - posted on 08/17/2015

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" I said no because my son is sleeping and he always does that, insisting to take our son out even when he is sleeping and he wakes him up."

Ok, then you should set up an agreed visitation schedule.

" he was threatening us that he is going to a court and will file full custody for our son."

Going to court is a sensible thing. Whether he gets full custody or not is another. But ultimately, he has just as much right as you do to have a relationship with the child, so if he is feeling that he is not given sufficient rights, it would be smart of him to talk to a lawyer and take you to court for his rightful custody and visitation.

"he always go to our house whenever he wants or after his work until midnight. He was demanding to take our son out and when I said no, he will get mad."

And this is why YOU should talk to a lawyer and set up regular visitation as well as custody arrangements.

" I have right to say no, right? "

Not really. Sure, if he is turning up at midnight, yes, you can say no, but you don't get to call all the shots. He does have rights. Again, another reason to get those court orders.

"we had an agreement that everytime he taking out our son I want to be supervise them because as a mother I'm scared that he will take away my child to me. "

Another really good reason to get court orders.

"Now I want to file full custody for my son, he doesn't pay child support"

Children are no possessions. You don't get full custody just because he won't pay you for his rights. He doesn't have to pay to exercise his rights. Child support should be treated separately. If you haven't filed for child support, then do it.

"He also do cyber sex and lot of girls"

Irrelevant to his abilities as a parent to your child.

I would say he is just making empty threats about going for full custody, but he SHOULD be going to court for visitation, because it sounds like you are calling ALL the shots at the moment. Keep in mind, though, he does have rights too. Noone could say who would win. It is unlikely he would get no visitation. But at least then, visitation will be clear.

Sarah - posted on 08/17/2015

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Remember that child support is a separate issue and he does not have to pay or be up to date in order to see his child. If you want to pursue full physical custody and limit his visits to only supervised visitation, then you'd be wise to do it through the court. If his paternity is acknowledged by the both of you or he is able to prove he is the father thru a DNA test, he has just as much right to parent his baby as you do. I agree that showing up in the middle of the night is probably not good time to visit but is there a reason he could not pick his son up and watch him overnight? You say you don't want to let him take your son out o fear he will not return him, but this is what you are doing to him. You are obligated to provide for your child financially, so not having a job does not help you.
Find a job. Work to come to an arrangement and get it singed off by the court. If you leave the entire decision to a judge you don't which way it may turn out.

Priscille - posted on 08/16/2015

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Hi Apple,

I live far from the states and have no idea of the legal implications.

From your post though, I can feel that there are already a lot of tension between you and your ex.

Whether you want it or not, you and your ex are this child's parents for his whole life. Nothing will change that. Even if legally you can be solely responsible, even if he is present or not, his dad is still, and will always be, his dad. His blood runs in your baby's veins and his genes will in part shape who he becomes. And obviously, he does want to be part of it, even though he is a little clumsy in his approach right now...

Your ex must have a good side to him surely? Otherwise you wouldn't have fallen for him in the first place... What is great about him? How can you use his strengths to ease some of the tension happening between you right now?

It is very difficult to find solutions from the state you are in. Ease some of that tension and solutions might just fall into place!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/16/2015

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You have a great chance for shared custody. Just because you're not happy with him, and you don't like that he is online with girls doesn't mean that the man cannot be a parent. He's got as much parental experience as you do at this point.

You do NOT have the right to dictate whether or not he is allowed to see the child. You do have the right to petition for primary custody, support, and reasonable visitation, but you can't just decide when and if he gets to see the kid. You can't decide that he can't because he hasn't given you any money...the child is not a possession or a commodity.

I recommend that you get an attorney and file for primary custody, and support. Work WITH your ex to parent this child. It works out better that way. Yes, you do have to be an adult about this, and you cannot let your emotions rule. You also cannot claim that he is taking no interest in the child, because it seems that he would love to be more involved, if you'd just let him.

You also need to get a job. I don't care if it's at McDonalds, or as a housekeeper at a hotel, but you can't live off of your mother. You are an adult, and a parent yourself. You want to give the best to your child, and the only way you can do that is by not being on assistance (as much as possible, any way...we all have tough times), and by moving forward to advance yourself in the workforce.

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