funerals and exes and who pays

Mommy Under Pressure - posted on 04/08/2012 ( 121 moms have responded )

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What do I do?? My ex husband (who took every dime I made while we were married for 18 years) died three weeks ago. We have two biological children aged 19 and 8. In the divorce agreement we have to maintain a minimum $100,000 life insurance policy making each the other's beneficiary until both kids reach 18. Well a fatal heart attack at 46 years old brought to light that he had only half that!!! He left behind over $65,000 in pathetic debt. When assets are sold my kids will be lucky to have about $7000 tops!!! This is a man he has made $100,000 a year for years!! Worst money manager ever!!!! NOTHING is left for his kids whom he liked to tell everyone he took care if financially. Bull!! His parents live in a MINIMUM $350,000 home, go to AZ every winter, have magazine quality furnishings, golf club memberships, etc..tell me that they CAN'T AFFORD to pay for his funeral and refuse to do so!!! (Now I know where he learned his money management skills!!!) They are expecting me to PAY FOR THE FUNERAL (he's my EX husband) and to pay off the $8,600 he still owed on his car because they want their grandson to have a decent vehicle to drive. That will leave me around $20,000 to raise my through through his last three years of college and get my daughter from the second grade on through college!! I also am self employed so health insurance for the three of us will now be $6000 a year with a $6,000 yearly deductible!! They claim to have the grandchildren's best interest at heart but, they don't have any problem taking money out of their funds that are meant to replace their father's income!! They expect ME to pay for everything since I'm the life insurance beneficiary. This is for my children, not me! They just don't want to be financially inconvenienced by this. My children are extremely close to these people and I want to maintain this relationship for them but, SERIOUSLY????? What do I do?? Please please help me!!!

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Iridescent - posted on 04/08/2012

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Get a lawyer. As far as I'm aware, once you're divorced he's on his own, and his next of kin is responsible (being his parents). That would settle his debt (his parents being responsible). The life insurance policy that has you as beneficiary should then be free and clear to you and his kids, since you do not owe his debt as his ex, and is a separate issue entirely.

Iridescent - posted on 04/08/2012

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Also, since he made decent wages and has a good work history, his kids should also be able to claim Survivor's Benefits from Social Security. Apply for it as well.

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Have a cremation and private memorialwith no embalming, no nothing.. If they want more than that, then they can help pay. In NY ,this will run approximately $2k.

Bonnie - posted on 04/09/2012

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You are not responsible for his debts, but his estate is and that never includes life insurance, we just did this with my MIL. When you sell the house you should see if you are able to take half the selling price of the house for yourself since you were joint owner. If you are not the executor of his estate then walk away you aren't responsible beyond selling the house as co-owner. If you are the executor then follow your attorneys advice and take it to the judge, let the courts decide what if anything you should pay personally. Be honest with your children, your son is old enough to understand and in simple terms your youngest also. You may have to cut ties with your ex's family, it may hurt but for you and your kids own mental health it may be necessary.



You need to somehow look at the estate (his debts and assets) dispassionately and do whatever has to be done in a business like manner, don't let these people get to you. Sell the car or let it be repossessed because you can't afford it, don't worry about your son, he'll get by without it. Make sure you file for SS benefits for your youngest, I don't think you can file for your oldest, but maybe, he's a full time student right? Check into it.



Good Luck, you are in a tough spot.

~Jennifer - posted on 04/09/2012

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You don't pay for your ex's funeral.....guilt or not.

He should have made arrangements for his own services after his demise - that would have been the ADULT thing to do.

Hell - if my ex dies and his parents treat me like that - I'd hand them a gift card for a hardware store and tell them it should cover the cost of a tarp and a shovel and they can have at it.

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Jill - posted on 04/25/2012

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I can't believe you are even considering paying for his funeral, I've been in a similar position myself and would under no circumstances pay for my ex. Your children come first and they would be seriously out of pocket. Let the grandparents guilt trip all they like but you hang tight and remember you are doing it for the kids. The grandparents obviously don't really care! You will be showing your children the right way to live and that money isn't the be all and end all, scruples matter too. The kids can still see them, that doesn't have to change and i'm sure your eldest is aware of the situation. So let them try, sounds like they could do with a lesson to me. Good luck with it x

Rhonda - posted on 04/24/2012

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Your minor child IS elgible for SS benefits. It's his SS that claimed by the child until they are 18. If he made 100k, your minor child should receive about 1500+/month

Diana - posted on 04/24/2012

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Money matters and bad blood always rips up families and actions speak who we are. You're dealing with parents who don't have the decency to bury their own child. As heart and gut wrenching that it is. Do what legally dictates, swallowing one last awful pill from this pair of losers. Let them know, away from your kids, in a calm and well thought out way, how you feel about all of this. Telling them also how, to their grandkids, they're showing them how not to be towards others. Continue to move on with your life. As for your children. How you handle this (with grace, professionalism and to YOUR standard) is teaching them how they'll handle the personal pitfalls of their lives. I wish you personal and emotional strength.

Angel - posted on 04/23/2012

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Your kids come first! I would donate his body to science and be rid of him.They cremate the remains after a year and return them.I would have them shipped to his parents.If his folks want their grandson to drive a decent car they could pay off the balance.

Mommy Under Pressure - posted on 04/18/2012

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I'm not eligible for ss benefits for me because I make too much to qualify until I retire. By that time comes around my ss will be more than his. The only debt that will be paid will be the attny and I guess the funeral. There won't be anything left for the kids. He was broke and owed three toiled more than he was worth.

Mommy Under Pressure - posted on 04/18/2012

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The funeral was three weeks ago. It was not a decision for me or my kids to make!! His family made the aggrangements. There was no will but, he hadn't refinanced the house yet and taken me off the loan nor had I signed a quit claim, I have vested interest in his estate so I was appointed administrator. The car still had a loan and he was the only one on it. Estates cannot have loans like that. Besides even if I do pay it off I would then have to turn around and buy it from the estate for it's full value. I would be out $8,600 for paying off the loan then another $10,000 to pay the estate for the value of the car!!

Tabitha - posted on 04/18/2012

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Get the cheapest funeral services you can get so your children can pay their respects. And if your son is getting the car, you might as well pay it off unless you want him to be responsible for making the payments. If your son doesn't need the car, give it back. Other than that, the rest of the debt can be handled by his parents or whoever he named executor of his estate.

Laura - posted on 04/18/2012

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Hate to say it this way and sound hateful ..... I don't know the legalities but your kids should come first above any other family (at least that is how I feel about mine and my family knows this and my husbands family is sure finding this out) .... I already made my husband aware of this as well ... So he knows I'll do whatever I have to..to always look after them and make sure they are taken care of ..... If your ex's family can not understand that they are the ones who should feel guilty not you ...... besides he was their child they should by right feel obligated to care for his needs not you the "EX" wife .... there is obviously a reason why you are the ex ....

Stephanie - posted on 04/16/2012

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Unless you have remarried you and your minor child are eligible for survivors benefits. If you remarry before age 60 those will stop but you will be eligible for them again at 60, even if he was remarried. Make sure you get these they are tax free and an incredible help! My first husband died at age 41, these saved us! This is the money he paid in Social Security not welfare they are yours!

Cicely - posted on 04/16/2012

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I love the idea about the tarp and shovel... you definitely should not be paying for an exes funeral, but if you do just blame yourself. You are being as you put it "guilted" into it.... that says it all right there.... its like a horse being drug to its death by squirrels...he is walking they are not dragging. You have the power of yes and NO, stop people pleasing and take a vacation with the kids immediately after the funeral and let them pay for it. If you feel you must pay then you MUST change the arrangements. A small memorial and a wicker urn.

Kathy - posted on 04/16/2012

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I wouldn't pay for a funeral. Call the Neptune Society and have a cremation with no formal ceremony or burial site... if his parents want to pay for those things, allow them to. He is not your responsibility.

Stephanie - posted on 04/16/2012

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I'll just echo what has been said so you see your support in this. You are not responsible for him. The life insurance that was ordered was for your kids. Not him, not you. The kids. So ask the grandparents if they want their 19 and 8 year old grandkids to pay for their fathers funeral. Explain to them that the insurance is money for THEM! If you weren't in the picture would they expect the kids to pay for the funeral? Anyone with half a mind will know that exes don't pay for the others funeral. So anyone in the community who will think badly of you isn't worth your time. It doesn't matter what they make or have or what you make or have. All that matters is that the money was ordered to be maintained for the kids. If you died (God forbid) would they have expected him to pay for your funeral? Stand your ground!! Good luck!

Bonnie - posted on 04/16/2012

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Good point about the life insurance through his employer and unless he made some other beneficiary arrangements then your kids would collect. Do check into that.

There may be something to the Social Security for yourself, my grandmother collected my grandfathers SS payment in spite of them being divorced and both remarried. That may be only after you turn 65 though, but worth looking into.

Tina - posted on 04/16/2012

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Elisabeth - one more thought (if it hasn't been mentioned) - did he have Life Insurance at work? Most employers will insure their employees up to 2x their annual salary...

Tina - posted on 04/16/2012

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I'm confused - how is the Life Insurance tied to his Debt? And why the heck would you have to pay for his funeral under any circumstance other than still being his wife/ life partner?! Get a lawyer - I'm sure your divorce decree did not specify that you'd be responsible for anything other than raising his children with the money collected from life insurance.

Sharon - posted on 04/16/2012

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I cannot believe your x in laws. If they want a fancy funeral they can pay for it. U are not responcible for any of it. Your priority is your children. Explain to them what is happening but if they have a good relationship with their grand parents try to not play the blame game. If necessary don't see your ex in laws again but don't stop your children from doing so. This will show your community that you are doing the right thing not that their opinionshpuld count for anything. I wish you luck.

Shawna - posted on 04/15/2012

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It sounds like you're in a very delicate situation. I too am divorced and wondered what would happen as far as final arrangements for my ex-husband. In my opinion, your only concern in this is your two children. Obviously his parents are not the people they portray to be in front of your children, their grandchildren. Before you do anything, obtain legal advice. As a mother, I would most likely take on the the responsibility of the final arrangements, ONLY for the sake of my children, however, I would find the most affordable way to do so. You may want to look into your options for cremation after the service. That's what we did for my father when he passed away. As far as his parents are concerned, do not try to cover for them to salvage their relationship with your children - the truth always comes to light sooner or later. You do what you can on behalf of your children, and you will have no regrets in the end. My prayers are with you and your children.

Ana - posted on 04/15/2012

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good call on the social security thing. the under 18 child would also get death benefits in her father's behalf ;-)

Elizabeth - posted on 04/15/2012

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First don't worry about what his parents want. Worry about what is best for your kids. His car should have had ins. on it that would pay it off. Check into that if you want. But you don't have to. If your not the executor of his will you are not responsible to do anything but cash the check and say so long. But in the end you have to think about the kids. As for his debt. They can sue his estate and come after that money. So get in touch with a lawyer asap. If his parents want you to pay for the funeral. Fine, have him cremated with no service. That's around $500, more or less depending on where you live. There is also an ex benefit with social security. Check into that too.

Ana - posted on 04/15/2012

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this is something you definately want to take to a lawyer. if he had a will, there should be a provision in there. and his estate should be sold to cover his expenses before you start putting any money out for anything. that includes his precious car his parents bought for him ;-)

Mommy Under Pressure - posted on 04/15/2012

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I have a lawyer and no, no one has to pay anyone's debt unless they are cosigners on a loan and therefore are responsible for half. And no, I am not letting a 19 year old live in that house by himself. I don't live there nor do I ever want to. The only way that car can be sold is if it is sold by the end of April. He still owed $8,600 on it and the loan was in his name only. An estate cannot make loan payments as an estate cannot be a loan holder on its own. And my daughter is only 8 so no, she is not going to live in the house either. I am her full, legal guardian and those decisions are up to me. My son is a full time college student and lives away from home while in school. He doesn't want to be anywhere else but, with me when he is home. We have discussed keeping another car he owned, albeit quite a bit older, but in good condidition and a lot better on gas than a big Chrysler 300. And if I don't get the life insurance in time I can't pay it off and it will go back to the lender. And the life insurance is not to be split equally between the two kids, it is to help me with getting the 19 yr old through the rest of college and the 8 yr all the way college too. Hence the reason we made each other the beneficiaries, not the kids.

Julia - posted on 04/15/2012

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I agree get a lawyer. You aren't responsible but I bet the law and the debt collectors will count your oldest child responsible. At 19 he is an adult and hence will be expected to manage his father's estate. Get a lawyer

Susan - posted on 04/15/2012

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This is so tough. Personally, refuse to pay. He is your ex and you should not be expected to pay. As for the insurance, he broke that contract and you should not pay any of his debts. His car on the other hand-that's a pretty good price for a car but I would imagine it will go back into his estate to be sold to pay off some debt. Hold onto all the money, spend none of it on him and tuck it away for the children later. Hold your head up high and stand firm!!

Skittlesinsocks - posted on 04/15/2012

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Just a thought- Unless your son REALLY wants Dad's car, I would sell it and buy him a different one. No sense paying off $8600 when you can buy a good used car (not a beater) for around $5000. And if he DOES want dad's car that bad, tell him the $8600 is coming out of HIS half of the $50,000.

Also, about the house- Since he still owed you half of the equity, theoretically you should be able to buy the house out of the estate for half price. Or maybe even less- Your son & daughter are his heirs. If they want to live in his house, they should be able to say "Don't sell it". I don't know your living arrangements right now, but I can almost guarantee that living in a house you already own half of & your kids own the other half of would be cheaper...

Oh yeah, definitely look into the state's health insurance program for the kids. With your ex dead & your daughter getting Social Security I'm thinking she will qualify automatically.

(I am not a lawyer, these are just my opinions & logical conclusions)

Mommy Under Pressure - posted on 04/13/2012

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After reviewing the divorce agreement I have realized that I CANNOT be the administrator of his estate. So no one can be mad at me for resigning! Yay! All I have to do is get my kids belongings because they have legal rights to them. Then headache gone!! I can request that the future administrator be appointed under supervised administration simply for the protection of my children. This means that before any action can be taken it has to be approved by the court. I also had to appoint a separate temporary financial guardian for my minor child and that is my brother. Everything will have to be submitted to him for approval. Which also means that everything has to be paid out in legal order period! So although funeral home claims are number one on the list, the bill is in his brother's name and he has no legal rights to the estate therefore not considered an estate representative, hence his claim against the estate should be an unsecured claim which falls AFTER attny fees, administrative fees (which they darn well better not charge!), secured debt (my claim for my half of the equity since the divorce provided for it), then unsecured debt. They did finally tell me today that as parents they will pay half the bill then the estate will cover for the other half. But, that might not happen as that should be considered unsecured debt. Struggle for me emotionally yes but, a relief none the less!

Dorothy - posted on 04/12/2012

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Really, HIS parents, who have lavish lifestyles but not enough disposable income to pay for a funeral, should be in charge of your kids college funds. ABSURD.



I would follow up that call by sending the bank manager a certified letter or a letter through your attorney stating that you called on x day and informed them that there were checks made out to you and your children for their care after the death you ex that your in-laws are trying to deposit with out your signature. That will get a hold put on the account and they won't be able to access it until the legalities are sorted out.



Your in-laws are more selfish than I realized. 50k if life ins isn't enough even if you DO have good health ins to raise a kid through college. Have you looked into the government ins programs for your daughter? They are cheaper than 600 a month and some even cover dental and prescriptions now. In PA, we have CHIP. Is your son eligible for a cheaper health ins plan through his college?



I like your plan to get your name off the loan and walk away. To be fair your son and daughter are next of kin and ultimately the ones to be responsible for any estate stuff. Your son is legally old enough to do this. He can an should be consulted before handing your ex's estate to your ex-in-laws. He might surprise you by wanting to do it to keep it away from them.



Again, I'm so sorry for this. Especially as it looks like your kids have lost a dad and grandparents in this mess.

[deleted account]

I must say I wish there was a option for YOU GO GIRL! I totally agree with what you said you were going to do and I'm glad a major stress has been lifted for you. Hopefully now everything can get into a new normal for you and your kids and you can focus on them and their needs. I would love to know what your inlaws say when you drop the "bomb" Good luck and I'll be praying for you!

Bonnie - posted on 04/12/2012

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I like your plan...but I would have it send in writing from the attorney. Then it's all documented and ready for court if needed.



As for the college account, who's name is set as the administrator now? If it's yours or your brother then don't give them control, whatever money has already been deposited is in your control. If their friends want to contribute to a separate account then let them set it up and have control, with no expectation that your kids would see any of that money.



Have you spoken to the lender about your name being on the mortgage loan? Since you are divorced, it may be a simple matter to remove your name, you don't want to be stuck with that on your credit, especially if the house can't sell and needs to go into foreclosure.

Elizabeth - posted on 04/12/2012

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They can only guilt you into what you allow. You have to make some choices. Do you want fovor with vipers and the benefits that brings so badly that you are willing to cowtow in everything? What are you really teaching your children in this moment? Kids learn what they see, not what they hear. You can teach them that you have to stand for something or you will fall for anything. Let go of your husband and that lifestyle. Forgive him and forgive yourself. Tell those children the truth and walk away from those blood sucking people while you still have something to walk away with and before your kids are lost, too.

Leisa - posted on 04/11/2012

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When my sister-in-law passed away, it was up to her husband to decide what is correct way to handle her funeral...... They were married still. If your parents-in-law wish to have a big funeral, let them but tell them that it is at their expense. You are only responsibile for those two children, not their fathers incompetents with money. I would take the advice of the lady who said that the state can perform the cremation, and get a lawyer. If a lawyer is to expensive, seek legal aid advice if you can, that is what they are for..... You have to show that you are a competent mother and that you are able to take care of not only you but also your children for the remaining time they live with you. You are a woman, strong and worthy, tell them what is what. If you bow down to them over this then you may soon find that they are asking for part custody of YOUR children....... Much respect for you. :-))

Threenorns - posted on 04/11/2012

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just stick to your guns. let them play all their sleazy little tricks - stay resolved, stay commited, and stay ethical - they're the ones who will be seen for the conniving gold-diggers they are.

Mommy Under Pressure - posted on 04/11/2012

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Thank you. Maybe I should have done this to begin with I don't know, doesn't matter. But, a weight will certainly be lifted off of my shoulders and this stress has been eating away at me literally, like 7 lbs in two weeks! I can't sleep, eat, focus, and my job performance is suffering too. Be gone with it all!!!

Threenorns - posted on 04/11/2012

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............................................................................ i fail to see a down side to your plan.

Mommy Under Pressure - posted on 04/11/2012

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I think what it is I need to do is make sure my kids all of their belongings out of the house and I get the few things of mine that are there. We've only been divorced a year and a half. There's only a couple of things that were my dads I need to get. The attny told me that since I agreed in the divorce to quit claim my half of the house after he paid me my half (I generously gave him five years) that legally it is not mine at all anymore and it passes to his estate. The PROBLEM with that is that my name is still on the loan!! So as soon as that gets sorted out, my kids have their things, my name is removed from everything, I'm walking into their house and saying "here ya go, you want control you got it. I'm resigning as administrator and handing everything to you. This include: keeping up the house payments, house insurance, and property taxes, lights and gas and water and maintenance, car insurance (five vehicles), car maintenance, making any repairs needed to sell the house, setting up the auction, organizing everything for the auction, getting the house sold, reporting everything not only to the judge but, my brother who has been appointed temporary financial guardian for my kids share of the estate, settling all claims, including attny fees, funeral you refused to pay for, my half of the equity (which better be there or I will sue you for mismanagement of the estate, my claim against the estate for not upholding his agreement to maintain minimum life insurance and have something left for my kids!!! GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!! " Then I will walk away and BE DONE with this headache for good. "Oh, and by the way, you're retired with apparently lots of disposable money by appearances so if you want to see ky minor child YOU will come here to see her at a time that is convenient to me. I'm done kissing your assess!" There I feel better now.

Elizabeth - posted on 04/11/2012

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Lots of good advice here. You need to get some legal advice so that your rights and obligations are clear. You also need to remember that You have a long road ahead of you and dependent children to raise and THEY COME FIRST! Ignore the in laws. They are caught up in their own problems, grief etc. and are unable to see anything but their own wants & needs. Be strong. God Bless You.

Marjorie - posted on 04/11/2012

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Cut them out of your life. Because you are DIVORCED, THEY ARE HIS NEXT OF KIN and responsible for his funeral expenses. His debts die with him. You DO NOT ACCEPT ANY CREDITOR CALLS. Do Not talk to his creditors at all, refer them to his Estate. You are responsible for your children. Not your EX or his parents. I am not an attorney or able to give you legal advice, but i did sell Life Insurance and Annuities. THEY DO NOT GO THROUGH PROBATE. The beneficiary of the policy has complete control of the disbursement. It is up to you to decide what to do with the money. I would keep it for my children. My advice is to politely flip them the bird and keep that money for your kids. Don't worry about what your kids may or may not have inherited from their grandparents. Likely they won't see a dime anyway. Apples don't fall far from the tree. They probably taught their son his irresponsibility. Also, you should check with your attorney to see if you have legal grounds to sue his estate for the additional 50 K that he neglected to provide per you divorce decree. Good Luck and God Bless!

Sarah - posted on 04/11/2012

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Personally, I don't think you have any obligation to pay for his funeral. If his parents want to bury their son, than they'll have to fork out the dough. His life insurance is for your kids, not his funeral.

Mommy Under Pressure - posted on 04/11/2012

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UPDATE. The ex father in law let me know this morning that "some" people who donated money to a college fund for the kids at the funeral requested that They (the grandparents) have charge over the funds or they will not donate. Funny, they never mentioned any of that when we went through all the cards last Saturday. In fact, it was decided that half will be put into a 529 for the 8 year old and the other half in a custodial Acct for the 19 year old. Now they tell me they want control of something and "people" will withdraw funds if they aren't in control???!!! Talk about being offended!!! I said ok whatever. Then I proceeeded to call their bank and tell them when they come in to deposit checks that any that are made out to me or my kids have NOT been signed by us!!!! And I know that there were a lot! The bank will tell them that they have to witness me signing them!! I won't do it. They can have control over the money from those who requested it and I will have control AS THEIR MOTHER of the rest! Getting so so so sick of this!!

Threenorns - posted on 04/11/2012

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yep - get a lawyer.



you don't have to pay for the funeral. if they don't want to shell out, i'm sure there's a handy potter's field somewhere - wrap him in a sheet, toss him in, shovel on the dirt, no more problem.



as for the relationship with the kids, don't mess with it. keep calm, never badmouth the other party. your kids will see through them soon enough and you avoid setting yourself up as the Evil Witch keeping them from their heartbroken, precious, loving grammy and grampy.

Ronda - posted on 04/11/2012

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Are you still married or divorced?? If not, then totally refuse to do it!! Take them to court even! You are not responsible for his mess anymore. Deep down did you really expect him to come through for you after taking your money all those years? If not, then hold your head up, be proud of what you have accomplished, and teach your kids better. They are hurting, do NOT mention how much of a jerk he was to them. They need to be able to respect the memory of their father to move on. xoxoxo Praying for you and your kids

Bobbie Jo - posted on 04/11/2012

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My prayers are with you and your children. I hope things get better for you soon. Has the house sold yet? Stay strong and keep being the great mother that you are. Your kids are obviously the most important thing here to you and that is the way it should be. You will not get anything frim the estate it seems by your post, but at least you won't be held responsible for his debts. You may want to talk to your attorney about how much time is appropriate for the kids to see your inlaws and possibly get it in writing. The best thing for your kids is not to be stuck in the middle of the "battle". I wish you the best.

Cathy55369 - posted on 04/11/2012

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think about this if the shoe was on the other foot and you passed away would your in laws insist their son pay for your funeral costs? probably not ... you might want to ask them this question and get their opinion on that .... than ask why you should have to pay good luck!!!!!!!!!!

Debbie - posted on 04/11/2012

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Most people I know that have passed on and had life insurances, the beneficiaries had to use some of the funds to pay for the funeral. However, being divorced and his beneficiary changes the scenario. His parents could and should be held liable for half or 3/4 of the funeral bill. That is why people get life insurance. The 8 year old may receive survivor benefits from social security, but the 19 year old won't. The rest of the life insurance will be split up between the children if you do have to pay a portion.

Ebere - posted on 04/11/2012

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That's a toughie.. I agree with Angie Hall.. Don't pay..its not your responsibility

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