Fustrated Mom with Irresponsible Father

Lorrainne - posted on 07/18/2014 ( 10 moms have responded )

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I have a 17 month old son that receives no support from his father. Financially nor physically. We can not coparent due to lack of respect, trust and honesty. He has lied about our son having his own bed to sleep in since he was 6 months. He cohabitates with him and the company he keeps. Our son received a black eye bc he fell out of his king size bed (multiple times), which tells me hes not watching him. He has picked him up and dropped off (hour or so at a time) when he chooses versus communicating and abiding by the arrangements. He travels out of town, parties with friends (and has our son sometimes) and does what he chooses but does not financially support our son with day care expenses. Example: He went out of town for a week and didn't pay his week of day care but says he is "broke" and "struggling" all the time. Every conversation ends in arguing because he wants to have a relationship with our son without having to coparent. He feels that I do not need to know what goes on with his household and what he does. Which I do not agree with (the coparenting part). He has admitted to lying about things (including the bed) and stated he will continue to lie just so he can see his son and do what he wants. He has dropped off our son twice already with a diaper full of urine that it flooded through his pants to his car seat. Every time he has him I have to supply a car seat. In the beginning I had to supply a diaper bag of what our son needed (milk, food, clothes, etc.) bc he didnt have it. I accepted that we both have moved on and we have our own lives. However, that does not mean we do not coparent for our son. I have also communicated that our son is the priority and his well being comes first. Recently, I communicated twice that visitation at this time is not a good idea since he can not be trusted as a parent and our sons well being is at risk. He got very verbally abusive and defensive. I have finally filed for child support, no longer let him stay over night and told him we can resume visitation/custody after we go to court. How do you deal with someone who is irresponsible and immature? What do you do?

10 Comments

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Teresa - posted on 07/20/2014

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The judge will feel the need to know what goes on in his household. Keep it legal and don't let your child go with the father. Document, document, document and remember, whatever you have allowed to continue, visitation-wise, the judge will want to know why things have changed on your part. You will need proof of some kind that your child is in danger with the father.

Serene - posted on 07/18/2014

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Thats great that you have a lawyer, that will make it even easier to prove your case. I didn't have a lawyer when we went to court. But, everything I had documentated and I presented to the judge helped tremendously on my case. You have to be very detailed about your conversations also. I agree with Shawnn about him claiming that you denied him to see his son. I went through the same thing. I documented our conversations over the phone and when he tried to tell the courts that I denied him access to see her, the judge ordered us to go through mediation visitation. Which helped out alot.
GL

Lorrainne - posted on 07/18/2014

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My evidence was not to have his custody revoked. And yes posting pics is normal but posting them with different women is NOT a stable environment for a child. In a bed with your chikd and other women shows irresponsibility. As I stated cohabitation is frowned upon in which my lawyer agreed. Especially when he received a black eye from it. Your neglecting your parental responsibility to provide a safe home. But thank you for your opinion.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/18/2014

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Good plan, because even though you communicated with him, he can still take that into court and say 'she refused to allow me to see my kid'...

Definitely best to get it all outlined legally. You may also want to see if mediated drop-off/pick up exchanges can happen as well, so to avoid conflict. Just make sure you've got the i's dotted and t's crossed, and have a decent attorney.

Good luck!

Lorrainne - posted on 07/18/2014

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I agree Shawnn, totally. Right now we do not have anything court ordered. It was all by agreement only which he did not abide by. Having a black eye by falling out of a bed is enough for me as well as not having his own space. As well as leaving him soaked in urine filled diapers. Im in the state of MO cohabitation is frowned upon by law. I made sure I communicated with him my reasons for our sons safety and well being prior to witholding him. I also told him what the plan was for child support and custody. Every move I have made I have communicated with him the reasoning and why. I want all of it legalized so we have no further problems from here on out.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/18/2014

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Lorrainne, co-sleeping isn't necessarily going to get his custody revoked, nor is posting pictures of his son online.

Hopefully you have something more substantial documented. I'm not saying it isn't disturbing that he admits to not being fully attentive, etc, but some of the things you're including aren't going to be seen as problematic.

Documented abuse, documented neglect, proof of unstable habitation...those are things that are problematic. Pictures of a father letting his son bedshare? Not so much, as co sleeping is pretty accepted these days, and EVERYONE posts pics of their kids online.

Lorrainne - posted on 07/18/2014

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Thank you so much Serene. I am doing that now. I have the pic of his black eye, all text messages and even the pics he posted on social media with him and our son in the same bed. Pics his friends posted of our son and some other child calling him "A THOT like his daddy". It may have been all fun and games for them at the time but I found it very disrespectful towards my son. This is the type of things that I deal with daily. I want him to see him (visitation only, no joint custody) however it just needs to be legalized. And Im taking the necessary steps to get it done. Prayerfully the judge will see he is not responsible nor mature to care for our son.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/18/2014

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You also ask for visitation schedule to be court ordered. You cannot withhold his visitation with his child, unless he's been proven a danger (in court). If you currently don't have set visitation, and you are allowing or disallowing depending on your mood and his response, he could claim that you are attempting to alienate him from his child, and not helping him form a bond...so you really need all of it to be set in court, by a judge.

Serene - posted on 07/18/2014

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Glad to hear that you had filed for child support. That was a very good move. If you two have agreed on coparenting youre child together and now you don't. Keep notes: dates, times, situations write down anytime that your son goes with his father, where he is sleeping, bruises, marks, and bumps that he comes home with. Write down how irresponsible he is and the flaws that you see towards his child. When it is time to go to court present all of this documentation to the judge and they will make the decision of who has custody of your child. Even the texts that he sends you, and any money, gifts or clothes that he gives to your son write them down. (Document everything)
My daughters father thought that he was going to get coparenting with my daughter, turns out the courts ended up giving me more then what he had bargained for. He pays childsupport and gets visitation rights every other weekend, which he sees her when it is convient for him.
Good luck

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