Future Step-mother to be.. Advice?

Luisa Todd - posted on 02/03/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Hi. I have a fiance who has two kids from his previous relationship. She left them, and we began dating. I have been a part of his kid's lives for 1 year and a couple of months. I love those boys like they were my own. There mother is not really in the picture. She is in Pennsylvania, and I am in there lives everyday. I really want them to see me as a mom figure, but I know it's not going to happen over-night. is there a chance that they will ever see me as a mother figure?

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Ariana - posted on 02/03/2013

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My advice is do not try to replace their mother. Although you probably would be (or possibly are) a mother figure if you try to force it that can cause kids to have resentment and pull back. Don't ever speak ill of their biomom and try to facilitate the kids and moms relationship if she pursues that. If you act nicely to their mom and never speak badly about her they will appreciate that as they grow older. Just being there for them and trying to connect with them is what you need to do.

Do you live with the father already? If not I would try to figure out what his parenting style is and what disagreements you might have on that. Ultimately your husband is the main authority over his kids and makes the final decisions on them, but it is good to try and get on the same page. So how much authority will you have over them? If you disagree with a way your fiance parents or wants his children to be parented are you okay with that or able to work an agreement out that is good for both of you?

If you think you can handle these things, and have talked to him about it, it should be ok. Like I said, do NOT try to replace their mother. You being there and caring for them will make you a special person in their life. If they decide that means you're 'like a mom' to them, awesome, but you could also be an adult they love, it's up to them to figure it out. Your job is to care and love for them and try to connect with them as best you can. What happens happens you can't force it.

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Luisa Todd - posted on 05/29/2013

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Thank you for the advice. I really appriciate it. I love these boys. I know they love me and there mother (obviously) and I just have to support my fiance on his decisions (which I do at times it is really hard not to put my two cemts in) but I know that he has to take control since they are his kids in the end. I will always be there for both kids.

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