GD- Gender Disappointment
Julie - posted on 01/03/2009
I want to add something to Debby Gulliver who posted above. If you do get pregnant again, and if you have a boy, it will expaaaaaaaand your world, hon. LOL!! :D!! You don't need to be afraid to get pregnant in case you have a boy. Don't be a silly girl - ;p! You'd LOVE it! Boys are a blast!! Relax and let nature take its course. Who knows -- you may have triplet girlies :D!! Now wouldn't that put a dint in your families' gender imbalance :D!!
I always find it amusing the way some families seem to produce all of one gender. You know, three girls, then 'let's try for a boy'. And another girl, and another girl. And vice versa. How that happens is beyond me! And 75 years -- WOW!! I'm so glad for you that you had a girl!! That's wonderful!
But like I said, relax, hon. It's 50/50. And if you were to have a boy, you'd like him. And love him. And all that fun. :D!
Btw, your girl is a real beauty!
Julie - posted on 01/03/2009
Well, I haven't heard of the name, but I've definitely experienced it. I have three lovely, little boys that I am completely in love with. And I'll tell with each one it was a little different. With my first, I enumerated all the reasons in my shortsighted mind that it should be a girl -- so many boys on both sides of the family, no sisters, all the male relatives wanted me to have a boy and they always got what they wanted.... Then I immediately realized I was being shallow. When I did have him, I felt it was God's way of saying, "You'll be a great mom", and I was SOOOOOOO in love.
With my second son, I saw the ultrasound and I was very upset because I wanted it to be a surprise. I at least wanted to dream about a girl! Plus, I really wanted a suprise! But I was very much in love from the get-go.
My husband and I disagreed with the number of children we were going to have. I wanted more than two. He thought that anyone with more than two was crazy! I would have been more disappointed with my second if I'd really thought he'd be my last. But as fate would have it, I got my heart's desire, and got pregnant with no one but God planning it the third time. And booooooooooy! - did I want a girl!!
I didn't even admit to myself how badly I wanted a girl. Guilt would not allow it. I thought it was reprehensible and pushed down any feelings of disappointment I had after he was born. I was so afraid of how my disappointment seemed to put a rift in our bond. I knew that the bonding would have been different if it had been a girl. Don't get me wrong -- I loved him very much. But I knew now I was never going to have a girl. And this is and was truly the death of a lifelong dream.
I had a very interesting dream one night that let me know I'd finally accepted his boy-ness. That I was over the biggest part of the struggle. This was never something that affected me massively, but I feared more than anything that it would affect him if he could sense it in any way.
Don't worry, though, Christine. Even with all that, and the fact that I still really wish I could have a girl, I am SOOOOOOOOO in love with my baby!! I am sooooo blessed to have my three baby boys!! What a privelege to be involved in their dear little lives!
I've joked that if I ever do get pregnant again, it WILL be another boy. Regardless, I WOULD find out the gender because I would want to nip any 'girl' dreams in the bud so that I could get on with loving my fourth boy. :D!
Anyway, Christine, talk it out with trusted people and don't beat yourself up. You'll be in love, trust me! You'll be a great mom!
Debby - posted on 01/03/2009
I actually never had that feeling until after I had my little girl, but it was more a feeling of complete relief that I had a little girl, 'cuz I REALLY didn't want a boy. Both myself and my husband had always said we wanted to have 2 kids, but just the thought of having a boy actually scares me from wanting to get preggo again. My husband's family is full of boys, and our angel (now 22 mos) is actually the first girl born to their family in over 75 years, so the odds are definately stacked against me. I felt guilty thinking this way about boy vs girl, but I'm relieved to know that I'm not the only mom out there feeling this way
Christine - posted on 01/03/2009
thanks ladies! I hope this feeling passing before May- that is when I am due! I know the boys will have a special bond, but I just feel like im missing out on a special bond with a daughter. I know I sound like Im whining, so if it sounds like that please tell me to knock it off, lol!
MacKenzie - posted on 01/03/2009
I am so sorry you are feeling icky about all of this. It certainly doesn't help to have negative comments from family. I can tell you that now that my boys are 5 and 8, I can't imagine if one of them had been a girl. They are so incredibly close, and have been since my youngest was born. They are best friends! There are definitely many blessings in having a "matched set." They share toys, clothes, and even a bedroom...by choice (we have two unused bedrooms, but they hate being apart). I'm not sure I will ever be okay with not having a daughter. I really do feel like I miss out on so much. But I also wouldn't trade my little guys for anything. They are amazing, and boys really do love their mamas! If we could be guaranteed a girl, we would probably have one more....but I'd probably have twin boys! We have even talked about adopting a little girl....we'll see. For now we are thrilled to have two healthy little boys (especially considering we almost lost our youngest when he was born...that makes you appreciate what truly matters....that you have healthy children). It's ok to feel a bit sad, but once you have your new little boy in your arms, you'll know he is right where he should be. Don't let anyone make you feel bad. Enjoy all the wonderful things about having sons. And there are at least a million wonderful things about having little boys :0)
Christine - posted on 01/03/2009
yeah I did talk to my husband about it! At first he was real disappointed too- he wanted a little girl. Like a guy though, he got over it after a day. I have been crying every night to him. He is being understanding, but nothing will change my feelings. He says we can try for a third, but the thought of three boys- I dont know. I do have a lot of outside pressure. My inlaws have only grandsons and are open about their disappointmed that we didnt have a girl (granddaughter for them). That doesnt help the fact that I feel like they are disapponted in our abilities to produce girls. Im just confused and frustrated I guess!
Rachael - posted on 01/03/2009
I can't say from experience I have ever felt this and I have one of each. But I do know that your children will have a special bond as brothers that they would not have had if you were having a girl. You are giving your older son someone else to relate to.
I am sure there is nothing that will make that feeling of dissapointment go away until you meet your new little guy. I think that everything happens for a reason and you have to trust that this life (boy or girl) was meant to be just how they are. When your son's marry you will get 2 daughters (in law) and when they have children you might get granddaughters.
I don't think you should feel terrible for feeling the way you do. I think there is a lot of societal pressures for gender that increases these feelings of dissapointment. When I tell people or they see me with our son and daughter they say "perfect, a boy and a girl" I think they would have been "perfect" no matter if I had two sons! My sister in law has two little girls (are not having any more) and people constantly ask them if they are going to try for a boy. It doesn't help having other people pressure you or think that there is something not quite perfect about having same sexed siblings. So if you don't have anymore and you don't get the little girl you long for just save all the potential love you have for a little girl for your daughter in laws and for you grandaughters. More reason to spoil them.
I agree never say never....you never know where life will take you and what may become. Talk to your husband about your feelings it can cause more stress keeping it bottled up. If we were intended to pick gender we would be able to. Love and appreciate that you were given the gift to have children at all. I am not dismissing your feelings its understandable and I am sure you don't love them any less. Good luck!
Connie - posted on 01/03/2009
I cried when I found out I was having my 3rd boy. I don't care now, I love my boys, dad's quite proud though. I wonder if dads think if they have a girl they will stress them out and they will be overly protective. But I've seen many cases of "Daddy's girl and Mama's boys."
Nicole - posted on 01/03/2009
I really wanted a boy- and got one on my 4th try! I love my girls, but I am in love with my boy. He's the best. The girls keep me really busy with their drama and attitudes for sure- As of now I don't get any of that from my son. Maybe you'll have more someday? Or maybe you could adopt?
Lisa - posted on 01/02/2009
With my first pregnancy I wanted a boy. I was so upset when i found out that it was a girl, that i cried myself to sleep that night. It took me a really long time to get used to the fact that it was a girl. Once they placed her in my arms, it didn't matter anymore. She was healthy and she was mine. Our second child was a boy ( first in the family ) so i am over the moon. We have the perfect set. This will be it for us.
Paulette - posted on 01/02/2009
Hi, I went through this when I was pregnant with my first child a son. I went through most of the pregnancy and in 8th month on the u.s. we found out. I cried and talked with my friend I hadn't realized how much I had wanted a girl. But when I saw him it was love at first sight.
As for your family...you guys need to talk about your feelings now and a few months after you have your second boy, hormones are affecting your feelings too. Re-evaluate what you guys want and leave the door open...you never know what you'll be given in the future. Who knows maybe you guys may want to ensure a girl by adoption or trying yourself. It is up to you and your husband but you never know.
Shaunna - posted on 01/02/2009
I had a little bit of it before our daughter was born. I really wanted a boy, so my dad would finally have a grandson, but the first ultrasound at 20 wks confirmed that our baby was a girl. It took me a few weeks to get over it, but definitely by the time Eileen was born, I was excited to be having a baby that was healthy, no matter what the gender. I haven't regretted it since.
I do hope this next one is a boy, though. :) I have always wanted a boy and a girl... plus, my dad still doesn't have a biological grandson.
Heidi - posted on 01/02/2009
Actually, yes I have. With our fist child I wanted a girl...my husband did not care. We had a boy. It took a little while to get used to the idea of having a boy. Once I did (before I saw him) I loved him. When I did see him I fell even more in love with him. When our second child came along I was exstatic to learn we were having another boy. It wasn't until our third child came that I had a much larger issue. She was such a huge surprise (I was told by my OB I wasn't able to get pg without the use of fertility help) because my husband and I thought our family was complete. It took seeing the most angelic face of a beautiful healthly little girl to fall head over heels in love with her. That was 9 wks ago. She does not leave my side and I don't let her out of my sight. I love her to death just as I do my older boys who are now 3 1/2 and 20 months old. Now are family is complete. Take my word...whatever you are having you will fall madly in love with this child...I did. Children are a gift. Whatever gender you have this child picked you. You will do awesome:).
Christine - posted on 01/02/2009
I mean deep down ultimately a healthy baby is my first concern, but Im like Mackenzie, Im expecting my second son and really wanted a girl. I just feel like Im going to miss out on so much girl stuff- brownies, girl talk, shopping, boys, periods, etc. I feel like I will be left out and never get to experince that mother dauther relationship. I feel terrible for thinking like this, but Im a little depressed about it. I know once I see my son I will be overwhelmed with joy, but until then- how can I push away these feelings? My husband and I also decided no more kids after this one, so theres no chance of a girl in the future.
MacKenzie - posted on 01/02/2009
I never knew it had an actual name. We have two boys, and while I feel so incredibly blessed and would not trade them for anything, I often feel sad that I will never have a daughter. As the boys get older and do more and more with their dad, I get left out of the picture more. I'm pretty adventurous (we all camp, fish, hike, ski, etc.), but their real passion is hunting, and I just don't enjoy it at all. I feel pretty alone as the only female in a house full of males. Try as they may, they just don't understand what life is like as a woman, and I don't fully understand them as males. The other day I was in a fitting room at the mall and a mom was in the next room with her daughter getting her first bra. It made me a bit wistful realizing it is yet another experience I will never have. Don't get me wrong...I love my boys with all my heart and I wouldn't trade either of them for anyone in pink. I just wish I could have a daughter, too. Unfortunately we can only afford two kids, so I'll just have to hope for granddaughters some day!
Nancy - posted on 01/02/2009
I've heard of it... I've never experienced it.. I was so thankful that my child was born healthy & had everything she was supposed to (2 eyes, a nose, 10 fingers & toes... )
I think for me.. it was made easy.. I have watched my cousin who has had 10 pregnancies... and only 1 baby survived he's now 5... the 2nd baby to be born died a few minutes after birth... It gave me such a sense that I need to be thankful for what I have...
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