Getting along with pregnant daughter

Lilian - posted on 09/07/2015 ( 14 moms have responded )

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Hi - I am embarrassed to even say that my relationship w my daughtet is awful. Now that she is pregnant I can't say anything to her because she is pregnant. Nothing at all. My sister and I don't get along and she has been a big reason between out my daughter and I fight. Sister is constantly controlling everything that has to do with my daughter. Recently I was put in charge of planning the baby shower and as I started calling places I find out my daughter had called sister to ask her if she knew places and she automatically started sending out places to have the shower. I confronted my daughter with this and she gave me a bunch of excuses as to why she called my sister and now my daughter is mad at me and we are not talking?! And is my fault ? Then at the baby reveal party at my sisters house I made a joke about the sex of the baby ( boy) and my daughter and everyone is all mad at me saying I am not happy with the sex of the baby ? I was mean and rude and I axted weird at the party. I said it was a joke ! As I voted for a girl and now I am a bad person for it. I had to go apologize to many people for the joke I made and just found out daughters work was also talking about the joke I made and everyone had an opinion. It was embarassing and I am heartbroken. I have cried for days - I raised her as a single mom and struggled to make ends meet and be there for her. I provided to her and have always been there. But lately between my family's interference and my daughters inability to see my side made all of us stop talking. My daughter is disrespectful towards me, won't agree not to invite my sister to the baby shower because she makes me feel uncomfortable and tells me she feels better with my family than me. I have recently went through a divorce and the only relationship I had after that went bad just a few weeks ago and I have had no support from anyone just all this drama. I don't want to be judged by posting here I just want to get help as I can't have a relationship with my daughter right now but I feel sad she is pregnant and I am not there for her but I don't know how to do it when I get blamed and watched force everyyhing I do or say :(

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Lisa - posted on 09/16/2015

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I am so glad you are taking this season of life to care for yourself. Can you make a list of things that bring you joy? And then choose one a day? Can you find a group of people who will accept you as you are? Do you go to church? I have found that I so enjoy going to women's Bible studies, just to be around women who love God and love others. Blessings on THIS season, may you find healing, comfort and renewed joy.

Lilian - posted on 09/08/2015

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Thank you so much everyone for your responses. It helps a lot. Yes I spoke to my best friend and she recommended the same. It is just sad to not be part of my only child's pregnancy but I feel she is angry with me and there is no talking to her right now. I also feel I need space from her harsh words to me as I can't take it anymore this has gone on for years. As sad and selfish as it sounds I never took care of me since getting pregant at 16 and raising her alone. I feel I need the time to think and heal. Thanks again eveyone

Lisa - posted on 09/08/2015

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I was going to suggest exactly what your counselor suggested. Do you think you can pull back a little? Be there when your daughter needs you, but not push further than that. When she does interact with you, be kind, concerned and listen well. It may be hard, but you want your daughter to come back to you of her own will, not because you forced her to or made her feel guilty. I know that it is sad, and your tears are understandable mama. Can you find a friend to hang out with, someone you can spend time with to take your mind off the situation so you can heal? Give your daughter an opportunity to come to you. It is nice of you to host and pay for the shower, just let it evolve as it does and make it your goal to play gracious host inspite of any thing that happens. Remain above it all. Here are some good tips for family get togethers: http://bit.ly/1UEZj8G. Hugs sweet mama!

Suzanne - posted on 09/07/2015

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I can not say I understand how you feel , though I can agree Tough Love may be the key..

I have seen a mom once have to do this when her daughter became pregnant at age 16 she became besties with her aunt and really pushed her mom who yes was a single mom away...
Her mom stepped down as primary and let her
Daughter go the direction she wanted in life yes my friend became sad and angry
But it all paid off when she stopped accepting her calls, stop trying to be around her daughter when she obviously did not want her ..
My friend bought what she wanted for her grandbaby, and exchange no other words with her daughter until she was (her daughter) Ready...

What I mean it paid off... Mom and Daughter reunited and are closer than ever... her daughter now realize how much mom loves her and wanted to just be apart of her new family that if her mom was as she said being a b... she now knows mom was just doing what she thought was best....

[deleted account]

Yeah, no. You're going through to much right now to have to deal with any drama from anyone. You're bending over backwards and what's that getting ya? Nothing but an aching back. You've done your job. If they want to act tho way let them. You need to take care of you otherwise you'll be no good to anyone else. Cut the cord for a bit with both of them. A little tough love. They'll be back. Please take care of yourself first. You've don't need this grief. You should all be celebrating this time not arguing. I hope everything works out for you.

Lilian - posted on 09/07/2015

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Thanks Rebecca - you were not judgmental at all I just wanted an honest opinion as I am at the end of my rope. My sister and I have not had a good relationship for years and she is very opinionated as to what we should or should not do. The reason I don't want her in the shower is because she is also disrespectful towards me and she gossips and pins me against my daughter and mother. I understand that she can invite who she wants to invite but I don't get invited to my nieces parties because she doesn't want me there but she gets to come to every event and act happy and being so fake and manipulatng her friends to like her. It is awful for me. I just got out of an abusive relationship on top of it and I am in counseling for it and i am trying hard to be there for my daughter but it has been a struggle. I am paying for the baby shower I just watched her dog so she could on a baby moon to Hawaii with the husband and when she returns is back to the same blaming and finger pointing. Thank you for your post - I am very hearybroken and have cried for days over this.

[deleted account]

Ok. I read that you don't want to be judged which you shouldn't have to do that anyway but my comment is far from that. She's 30. Time to grow up. You busted your butt to provide for her a a single mom and trust me I know how difficult that is but first of all she should NOT be disrespecting you.. Period. Second, she manipulating the situation because she is pregnant. Pitting sister against sister for the sake of drama or whatever ain't cool. She's 30 not 20. She fully aware of the rift she's causing and as long as people listen and give into it it will continue. Love your daughter warts and all. You don't have to take nor do you deserve to be treated this way. In my opinion, some tough love would do her good. You sound heartbroken and at the end of your top and that's not right. Pregnant or not hormonal or not it sounds like she needs to tighten up, put on her big girl panties and conduct herself accordingly. You are her mother not her doormat. No judgment and please don't think I'm trying to upset you but it's not right.

Lilian - posted on 09/07/2015

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Thanks Dove you are right she can invite her aunt not my choice but still she can't be disrespectful and expect me to always be there for the punches. I am going to counselibg and she has recommended I give myself space and be superficial with the realtionshop for now

Dove - posted on 09/07/2015

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This isn't about you. This is about your daughter and her baby. She's pregnant and hormonal for one thing. It is HER baby shower and if she wants her aunt there... her aunt should be there. If you can not handle seeing your sister for the sake of your daughter... again, that is your issue to handle... not hers.

Perhaps seeking some counseling would be beneficial to help you sort out what, if anything, you can do to rebuild your relationship.

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