Getting married and fears of having a our first child with him gone.

[deleted account] ( 8 moms have responded )

My fiancé and I are getting married in a few months and are planning to try to conceive a baby on our honeymoon. He's in the military reserves and also works for the government so at least three or more times during the year he's gone for at least a week or up to a month at a time going to classes or what not. When he leaves for classes I always have a really hard time with it. I have depression and when he is gone it feels like the end of the world. I’m in our house all by myself going days without really having a conversation with anyone expect our cat and dog so I get very lonely.

Currently were living in Virginia with all of my family living in Pennsylvania and only his dad lives around us in Maryland. Although we have been living in Virginia for over a year I still don't have any friends here which is another reason I get lonely.

Since we are talking about having a child my mind is thinking differently.I have started to think of what my life would be like after we have a child and he has to go away for a month, me working full time and me not having any family or friends really around to help me out with a with a newborn child. I want to move back to Pennsylvania to be closer to my family so at least when he would leave I would be able to get help from family but he doesn't seem to understand why and says he would be unhappy living there. But the truth is I am unhappy living here with no family or friends. I really miss having my family and friends closer to me and with the thought of us having a child it's hard to imagine them not being near me. I love him so much and don't want him to be unhappy like I am right now with were we live but I also have been dreaming of us having a child since I meet him.I don’t know how I would even make it being a single mother working a full time job with no help for a whole month. I just don't know what to do at this point.

Any advice would be appreciated.

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Raye - posted on 01/25/2016

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He doesn't want to live where you want to live, and vice versa.... His career means he's gone for a extended periods of time, and you have trouble with loneliness.... These are big things. Ok, I get you are in love with him, but you don't sound very compatible. And a baby won't fix it. Please get yourselves straightened out before you bring a helpless child into the mix. I know there's no "perfect" time to have a child, but waiting until you have a few more things figured out is not a bad idea.

Sarah - posted on 01/25/2016

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"Conflict" is referring to your own internal conflicting feeling that you describe in your post:
You'd like to move back to your family and friends, but that would make him unhappy.
You been dreaming of having his child, but you don't know how you'll manage as a single working mother.....
You asked for advice and then proceeded to justify each of the choices you've made.

Sarah - posted on 01/25/2016

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Marriage is hard work, and parenting even under the best of circumstances is really hard work too. Why the rush to start a family? Waiting until after the wedding to start counseling for your depression and stress, is a bit like putting the cart in front of the horse. What if during counseling you determine that this isn't the right time for marriage, or a baby. If you are successful in conceiving a baby on your honeymoon, then you are limited in treatment options for your depression as well. I get you are busy but would one hour a week of therapy really be too much to add to your schedule?
Dove is right that a baby, a wedding is not going to make you any happier. Have you talked about this with your fiance? With your family?

MaryAnn - posted on 01/25/2016

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Dont rush into having a baby if you arent comfortable in your situation.
Marriage... Particularly weddings... Cause a lot of stress and anxiety, and that can totally distort your confidence and feelings about yourself. I dont want to tell you that you are wrong... But after this big day ends... You may find yourself more content with yourself and your capabilities than you had previously thought.
Does your workplace have any substantial mat leave? Mom and baby groups are a great place to find likeminded people to befriend, and offer a wide variety of resources to find services you may need.

Dove - posted on 01/25/2016

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If you are having this much trouble and this much conflict... it might be better to postpone the wedding. Getting married is not going to help you 'get better'. Having a child is not going to help you 'get better'. 'Getting better' is something you need to do for you BEFORE you add a marriage and child into the mix.

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[deleted account]

I'm not sure what you mean by conflict. I do have depression and I am aware of it but my depression does not run my life. My depression is worse when he is gone mostly because he is amazing at being able to bring me out of the depression spin and Im not missing him when he is there but for the most part I really only have one depression day a month sometimes its even less then that. I am not saying that a counselor would not help with me with those day when depression and give me better skills for my depression. I would say I have a mid case of depression as I don't ever have thoughts of killing myself or anything like that. As for the married part my fiancé and I have been living together for at least a 2 years and have even bought a house together so we have been playing house for a while now. Us getting married is not going to change as much as it might for some. The one thing that I have been certain of 2 months in to our relationship is that I wanted to marry him. I am aware that getting married is not going to help any of my problems but I know for a fact it will not hurt any of my problems that i currently am having other then the stress of not having to plan a wedding any more. lol

[deleted account]

I would like to go to a counselor for my depression but with the wedding in a few months I feel like my hands are already so filled up with work and all of the wedding details. I am planning on going after we get married. As for the friends part I have never been a social butterfly I have always had a really hard time making friends. Social situations tend to give me anxiety so even when I do try to make friends I always end up being the shy one waiting for someone to talk to me. All of the people who live in our community are at least 20 years older then we and even though they are really nice I don't ever feel a friend connection with any of them.

Dove - posted on 01/25/2016

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Why not seek counseling for the depression and work on making friends where you currently live?

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