Girlfriend bad influence

C - posted on 10/20/2016 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I am in a tough situation , my son is 19 and away at university across the country. He has began to date a girl the summer before he was to move and I told him don't get too attached because you are going away and it will difficult. He mentioned it was nothing serious. Forgot to mention he is away on a sports scholarship . Well we found out that she was going to visit him at school during his midterm study period. We told out son that it wasnt a good idea because of the timing. We also spoke to him on several= occasion because he is having a hard time in school and spending over 5 hours a day on the phone talking to her. We though it would be a good idea to speak to her and let her know out thoghts about it being a bad time to visit because it was midtem . I thought the conversation went well she stated she understood and didn't realize it was midterms and if he doesn't maintain the mark he can loose the scholorhsip, We ended the conversation where she said she respected out decision and would not go and visit him.
Well turns out that she did go and see him and leading my son to lie to me he is still denying that she went but I was told that she was there for a full week. She is also talking a bad about me to my son putting tension between us where he wont even respond to my text messages or phone calls. Its like she has a spell over him .
I have tried everything to get through to my son about his goals and how she is effecting them but he isnt having it ..

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Jodi - posted on 10/20/2016

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In all honesty, he's an adult. You can't really control the fact that he has a girlfriend, and you can't control his choices around that. One of the hard things for us as parents when our children reach adulthood is to have the ability to step back and allow them to make their mistakes. Yes, I know the consequences of this situation could be loss of a scholarship. It could be bad grades. But he is the one who is going to have to live with that. He understands the consequences. If he wants to ignore that, then there isn't anything you can do. You should probably not have tried to go behind his back and interfere with the situation, it has probably made it worse. Your job as a parent now is to be there for him if he needs you (and I'm not talking money, I'm talking to guide him when he makes a mistake and he asks you for your help or guidance).

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C - posted on 10/20/2016

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thank you will take all your advice into consideration he isn't home till December will see how it goes !!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/20/2016

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All I am saying (besides telling you that, yes once they are 18, you have to let them do their own thing) is that, at this point, his coaches, etc, may have better luck with him.

While having the best intentions, you meddled. Let your son cool off.

As dove suggested, if you are paying his expenses at college, you need to have a simple contract with him outlining both responsibilities and expectations for each of you. My youngest lives at home, under contract, but I don't try to control him. He is still free to be the adult that he is, make his own decisions and choices, good or bad ( yes, he gets a load of good natured hard assing when he makes a bad decision), and gets to learn from them, just as I did at his age.

C - posted on 10/20/2016

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We are supporting him and paying for his living arrangements while he is at school and paying his way. I wasn't the only one that didn't agree with it being bad timing his coaches have also told him it was bad timing to simply pick another week.
It was more then one person who suggested the same thing and her mother didn't approve of her going either so I wasn't the only one that didn't agree with the timing

Dove - posted on 10/20/2016

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And sure, you can still give your opinion on matters, but what you have done is more than just give your opinion. Your son probably sees you talking to his girlfriend as you not respecting him or his decisions as an adult and his girlfriend probably sees you as overbearing and meddling... Good intentions or not that is 'likely' the situation you have created here.

Dove - posted on 10/20/2016

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*Just because they are 18 doesn't mean you just let them do what they want bc the law says they are adults .

Yeah... actually it does. If they are living in your home or you are supporting them you can write up a contract stipulating your terms for allowing the financial support... otherwise, their life, their business.

C - posted on 10/20/2016

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Shawn , I understand but I didn't speak to his gf to be controlling . Plus we are paying for his education his is not on a 100% scholarship .
Since when is it wrong to tell your kids your opinion? As I mentioned before I didn't tell her not To go I simply mentioned that another week would be better since he wasn't doing well in school and having a hard time adjusting as a first year . Just because they are 18 doesn't mean you just let them do what they want bc the law says they are adults .

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/20/2016

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OK, I agree with Jodi, Dove, and Michelle. You have no right, whatsoever to be that controlling or your adult child who doesn't even live in your home.

He is in college, and if he is there on an athletic scholarship, he has coaches, mentors, counselor's and sponsors all over his ass about his grades, eligibility, and scholarship retention. If he made the choice to have his gf visit, that was his choice, and his alone to make. You, by trying to get her to stay home, were over the top, and were I your kid, I would be pretty pissed that you were in the middle.

My kids are 22 and 19. I have spent my parental time getting them ready for the world, and when they turned 18, they were treated as adults. They are sinking, or swimming, on their own. I would never dream of calling my son's gf to be that controlling.

C - posted on 10/20/2016

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Michelle , I have always had a open relationship with my son and spoke about everything open and honestly speaking to the girlfriend wasn't meant to interfere it was meant to discuss just the timing of going bc of midterm all we did was suggest going a different time once exams where over .
I do appreciate the advice and I guess as parents it's always a learning curve for us as well

Michelle - posted on 10/20/2016

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I agree with the other ladies.
He is an adult and can make his own choices.
Can you honestly say you did EVERYTHING the way your parents wanted you to do them? Did you make mistakes along the way?
I'm sure you made mistakes and learned from them, now it's your son's turn.
I also think you made it worse by talking to the girlfriend.

C - posted on 10/20/2016

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I appreciate the advice and I do agree with both , we have decide to let him figure it out on his own. Hopefully he will learn . Being first year student legally they are adults but honestly they haven't lived enough.
Thanks for the advice

Dove - posted on 10/20/2016

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Agree w/ Jodi. His life choices are 100% up to him. If involving himself w/ this girl causes him to lose focus and lose his scholarship... that will be on him. You have let him know how you feel. Now is the time to let him figure it out for himself. You can also let him know that if he loses his scholarship he will not be living at home w/out working full time and paying rent and all his own expenses, but other than that... it's time for him to learn to prioritize his own life.

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