Girlfriend dealing with bio-mom

Briana - posted on 03/18/2015 ( 13 moms have responded )

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It is clear to see that the bio mom to my boyfriends kids does not like me. It's really hard to decide what to do about it. She barely wants to see the kids and when she does it's always under false pretenses. It's hard to feel like I have to share my boyfriend with someone because they share children. I just need some advice.

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Jodi - posted on 03/18/2015

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I think you have this new girlfriend thing wrong. The mother of the children doesn't have to like you and you don't have to do anything about it. She is entitled to see her children. You are not sharing your boyfriend with her. He shares children with her, but that doesn't mean you have to share him. What you have to do is back off an allow them to coparent, even if she doesn't see them very often, and stop making it all about you.

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Raye - posted on 03/18/2015

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Counseling for you and your BF would probably be a good idea. It should help get things all out in the open and hopefully resolve any doubt either one of you still has about his feelings toward his ex.

Raye - posted on 03/18/2015

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Briana, people should be able to differentiate between the love they have for their kids, and the love they have/had with a spouse or partner. I don't want to say anything bad about your mom, but if she had trouble then she hadn't really let go of your dad.

Your BF might be reminded of his past, because the kids and bio-mom are still in his life, but if he has truly moved on there should be no confusion over his feelings. As I said before, there's a reason they are not together, and he should remember the bad and be grateful that he has someone now that cares about him instead of his ex that seems to only care about herself.

Briana - posted on 03/18/2015

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Thank you Raye. I actually feel a lot better talking to you. I guess the missing thing is true. I just wish he wouldn't have said it. They weren't togehher for at least a year before we got together. They weren't together while she was pregnant with the youngest because it was so bad. So I don't think he wants to be with her. And it was hard for my mom to see me everyday and not be able to think about my bio dad. she said the love she has for me gets her confused with how she feels about him. Which I would understand.

Raye - posted on 03/18/2015

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I'm not sure, but it could be child endangerment if he leaves the kids with her unsupervised, when CPS mandated supervised visitation. He could get brought up on charges.

Raye - posted on 03/18/2015

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Briana, I don't know how long their relationship lasted or how intense the feelings. And I don't know how long of a time there was between when they split up and when you two got together. But if he says he misses her, then he probably does. That may not mean that they would have any future together if you were out of the way, so there's where I will disagree with Shawnn. Is there nothing that you missed about one of your ex boyfriends, even if you were dating someone else? To miss someone just means that you cared about them. They have a child together, it's natural that he would care. He can still devote himself to you and his kids.

That being said, let me also say that if he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with that woman, he should not string her along by saying he misses her. So, is he telling you what you want to hear by making excuses? Or is he telling the ex what she wants to hear to get her to be less crazy? Either way, it's not good behavior. He's lying to one of you.

And, if CPS said she needed supervised visitation, then he should not be leaving her alone with them, even if it's convenient for him to do so. If that's the only way she will see the kids, then that's her fault. Kids should have relationships with both their parents, but not if one parent has to be coerced into it or could pose a danger to the kids due to their lifestyle. That shit needs to stop, and now! What if something happened to them while in her care? Would he ever forgive himself? Would YOU?

Briana - posted on 03/18/2015

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I love my boyfriend and don't want to leave him. Everyone makes mistakes. And I love his kids so much. I can't imagine them having a role model like her. My step dad raised me because my bio dad was busy cheating and doing his own thing. And I was always so hurt but he was able to make it better.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/18/2015

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Stop. Do not go any further. Without some counseling, this relationship isn't going to work.

Of course he tells you what you want to hear when you search his phone and find messages that upset you. What do you think he's going to do?

If he's sending her messages that he misses her, then he misses her. They need to work things out, and you probably should step back. You're not going to be happy with anything that's decided, and you're always going to question him.

As far as whether she likes you or not...Not your circus, nor your monkeys. If she doesn't like you, she doesn't like you. Most bio mothers dislike any new person with their ex. My hubby's ex tried to sabotage our relationship many times before I told her it wasn't working...But we were married, not bf/gf. I'd have never presumed to be the pushy gf when it came to his ex.

Briana - posted on 03/18/2015

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She apparently doesn't have a real place to live. And she's not the best person. She does drugs and they've had cps involved so she's not supposed to see them without supervision but he lets her anyway because he needs to work. The reason i even joined this group was because I saw their messages to each other. He told her he missed her and when I brought it up to him he said he has to do that and let her wash her clothes here to get her to see the kids. Which clearly upset me. That's why I feel like I'm sharing him. It's like I can't get away. He wants to have a future with me and we have even looked at engagement rings. But now it's hard. Because I know she'll always be in the kids life and that means she'll have to be in his. But to say he misses her is too much.

Raye - posted on 03/18/2015

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Briana, if she resorts to name calling it's just because she can't come up with anything intelligent to say, so her opinions are worthless. That shouldn't be anything for you to worry about. Consider the source. You should really feel sorry for someone that has to resort to that kind of behavior just to get attention. It's sad, really.

One thing that has me concerned is your words: "she leaves clothes when she comes to watch the kids". She babysits the kids at your boyfriends house? That seems weird. Can she not be trusted to have the kids at her place?

Chana - posted on 03/18/2015

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You will always have to share your boyfriend with someone be it an ex because they have children together, his children, your children if you ever have children together. It is a part of life no one can be exclusively yours it just doesn't happen. I have a wonderful husband but I have to share him with our girls, his family(dad is a truck driver so mom relies on him to do things she can't), work, that is just how life works.

Briana - posted on 03/18/2015

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Jodi, I know it's not about me. It's just difficult because we've been together for almost a year and in the beginning he told me she wanted nothing to do with them and I never saw her until she found out we were dating and that's when she started to care. Raye, your post really helped. Since we don't have kids it's hard to see them have to be with someone he loved so much and now he's with me. I know he loves me but it's hard to try to play nice with his ex. She's called me names, she leaves clothes when she comes to watch the kids, and flirts with him. My boyfriend is 30 and both me and his ex are 23. Even though it's not it always feels like a competition.

Raye - posted on 03/18/2015

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I am a step mom (no bio kids of my own). My husband's ex takes advantage of his good nature, and will do all kinds of things that I don't feel is appropriate... she called him for gas money because she had the kids with her and was overdrawn on her account so couldn't pay for gas. She didn't have money to get in to her son's basketball game, so he paid for her and her boyfriend and her boyfriend's two kids to get in so his son wouldn't be disappointed that his mom wasn't there. She called him to help fix her car. She started reading a book that he suggested when they were married, but she had never been interested in before, and wanted to chat with him about it. I have no idea why her boyfriend doesn't help her with these things, or what he thinks about his girlfriend calling her ex husband for all these favors, but that's their problem.

I "get along" with her even though I don't like her, because she's going to be in our lives due to the kids. I have chosen to share my life with this man and his kids, and that means his ex is going to be a part of the picture. It's a fact. Not getting along would not help matters at all. My husband doesn't like her either, but he tolerates her and helps her sometimes to keep her from getting hateful or trying to use the kids against him.

At first I felt it was sort of like sharing my husband with his ex. They have a past and kids together, and that is something I can't compete with. So, I don't. I know he doesn't enjoy her company. They're not together for a reason (and that is because she's a crazy nutball). He loves his kids, as he should, and he loves me. So the rest is not my circus, not my monkeys. I have to just let it go.

As Jodi said, you don't have to like each other. But you should at least try to get along so that the kids aren't caught in the middle. Try to be a mature adult, even when she isn't, and feel good that you're a better person than she is.

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