Give 16 year old no choice about birth control?

Terri - posted on 09/11/2012 ( 255 moms have responded )

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I have a 16 year old daughter who has been dating the same boy for 3 years. Yes, I know they started too young. They seem to have become very emotionally attached. He is 17. I have suggested to her that, just as a precaution, that she take birth control pills. She says that she is not planining to have sex and does not want them. However. About 6 months ago I read a text message they exchanged that was of a sexual nature. She is a very bright girl, does wel in school, and plans to attend college and have a career. I want her to take the bc pills just as a precaution. Should I make her by telling her if she does not take them I will not let her see bf ? I can not really "force" her but I can make her life difficult enough that she will take them. I am her mother and my husband and i support her. All it takes is one moment of weakness one time to wind up with a baby and her plans are ruined. My husband agrees with me. Is it ok to leave her with no option but to take bc pills? Are we doing wrong given this long term relationship with this boy? Please advise.

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Jodi - posted on 09/11/2012

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And exactly how are you going to force her to take birth control pills, and then monitor her every moment she has with her boyfriend (and believe me, she will find a way to see him behind your back if you decide to ban the relationship at this point). Hold her down?



I would suggest that rather than doing this, you and your daughter develop a relationship of trust where she promises to talk to you if she is considering a sexual relationship with her boyfriend. Rather than flat out banning the relationship and forcing the birth control issue, trust that you have had the conversations with her, she understands the issue, and she knows she can approach you if she wants some help. Many girls will go an see a doctor on their own for birth control too.



If you trust that you have raised a responsible young lady, then you need to trust that she will do the right thing without you forcing her into a choice she may not be ready for yet.

Dove - posted on 09/11/2012

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No, I absolutely would not put my child on birth control.... just in case. While pregnancy at 16 is not, imo, a GOOD thing... there are worse things that could occur from sex... and birth control does zero to protect against those...



Personally speaking... none of my kids are even allowed to 'date' until turning 16, but we already (oldest is just about 11) have VERY open, honest discussions about sex, pregnancy, birth control, and stds. I think one of my 'fears' about putting a child on birth control is that they may think of it as a 'free', 'safe' pass to have sex.... without a condom and then I'd be worried that they could possibly contract an incurable or even fatal disease.



Better to equip the child to make those smart, grown up decisions on their own over 'violating' their bodies by forcing them to take hormonal birth control that could potentially screw up their future potential for becoming a mother. Granted, I KNOW that's no guarantee, but there are no guarantees in life.

[deleted account]

I was the same as your daughter. Only I was being told by doctors. I told them off. I didn't want it because it was an excuse to have sex. I didn't want that. I didn't want to deal with a whinny boyfriend.



I think it is mean of you. If you honestly don't trust her and have no open discussions with her, where you don't think she would come to you asking for it, prior to having sex, then there are other issues going on.



Yes this will hurt their relationship. She may even go as far as to flush them to spite you.

Melissa - posted on 09/12/2012

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As someone who works in the pharmaceutical field I strongly encourage you to read up on side effects of the different options. At 16 I was open with my mother and did ask to see a doctor before being sexually active. I feel that when the time comes I will encourage my children to obstain but to let them know I am here for them and will not judge. We also will be educating them with pictures and facts of STD/STIs. I have seen a customer buy bc pills for her daughter and not tell her what they are. It was very sad. What happens if that same girl goes to the doctor without her mother knowing and then is on 2 doses? And what if that girl makes the choice to smokeand increases her chances of a stroke? There are sometimes irreversable side effects of contraceptives. And yes the shot can have some lasting issues on the reproductive system. I experienced this first hand as well as a 5lb gain every time I got the shot. I currently use paragard which is hormone free. I come from a family with a history of breast cancer and did not want any additional risks. I know that they don't like to do IUD/IUCs in those that have not had children. You will know what option is the right one. Be open and honest and if you raised them right they will come to you. You could always buy her a box of condoms just to have. My ex husband's mother did that when we were teens. And I had children while married. I am a mother of 4. 3boys and 1 girl.

Anne Gillespie - posted on 09/12/2012

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If your daughter has expressed a desire to NOT have sex then by all means support her. Hold her accountable to her decision. Keep an open dialogue on the issue and let her know how proud you are of the choices she's making. Don't undermine her resolve by telling her you don't believe her. Help her stick to it!

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J - posted on 12/15/2013

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I understand your concern. But you should never "make" someone take birth control pills. The effects the pill will have may not be what your child wants. Ask her why she does not want to take the pill. Fear? That her body will change, blood clots, that it will go around school she is on it and boys will jump at her? etc. If you are going for birth control I hope you are at least having condoms available. When I was 16, I had a very secret life. My parents thought I was this person I was not. She could be already secretly on the pill? (no judgment just a possibilty) Perhaps take her to a doctor and everyone can discuss the pros and cons of the pill together.

Ingrid - posted on 10/23/2013

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My sixteen year old son & his 16 year old girlfriend are having sex. I was checking his text to her & found that they are not using birth control. I have supplied him with condoms and I know that her mother has supplied her with bc pills. Both are not being used. My son's girlfriend wants him to purchase a pregnancy test for her to see if she's pregnant. I've met her mother one time and do not have a relationship with her. Should I call & let her parents know what I have found out? Please HELP!

User - posted on 12/11/2012

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I think by you offering BC has opened the door for communication. You can't make her take them even if you made her get them. Trust that she will talk to you when she feels she's ready to take that step. Use the open lines of communication to educate her on the risks and simply set boudaries. Also, I know it is hard to resist going through phones, journals, etc., but this will not be beneficial. My mom always did this to me, and jumped to conclusions. I still have issues with my mom about that.

COMIS - posted on 10/22/2012

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I don't think what you're doing is wrong 'cause I was in the same situation as a teenager. My then boyfriend is now my husband. :) We began having sex when I was 16 almost 17 and he was 18 almost 19. Our first experience was probably the worst imaginable because we did not know what we were doing (it would have been nice if my mom or older sister could have had "the talk" with me). We didn't put the condom on right and so it fell off and we were then so scared we went to a planned parenhood in the morning to get the Plan B so my parents wouldn't know. I think it would've helped if my parents would've recognized how serious our relationship was getting (and you'll know if you pay attention) and then had the talk with me and suggested the birth control pill. It wouldn't have made us have more sex, since we already would have anyway. When I did end up on the pill to control heavy period bleeding we used condoms as well for extra protection. So, yes, I believe you should maybe try talking to her more about it, explain sex even though she seems unwilling, and buy the birth control. She may thank you later.



There may be "more to life than sex" like some of you are saying, but do you think the teenage mind understands this?

Amanda - posted on 10/22/2012

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I know whats its like to be a teenager with a boyfriend and to think, Im not going to have sex. Well, the moment arises, and willpower isn't there. Desire overpowers willpower or whatever gameplan you had regarding sex. I was always safe, knew to use condoms. Thankfully never got pregnant in high school or college. When I graduated high school, I got free birth control pills at a local planned parenthood, and still taking the pills used condoms for further protection. (overkill some may say, but hey, no babies until I was ready). My parents never knew (to my knowledge ) that I was having sex at such a young age, but I guess I played it smart.



I would sit down and really talk to your daughter. Maybe recall when you started having sex, she might see the importance of bc pills. I commend you for wanting the best for your daughter and for her to have precautions when it comes to sex. And for talking to her about sex. Something not all parents are willing to do.

Angela - posted on 10/04/2012

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I'm in the UK and all contraception is free - I suppose it makes a difference. Any teenager who is 16 (UK age of consent) can get it and parents aren't informed. Any older female, married or not can get it. Any younger person (younger than 16) can still get it if a parent accompanies her.

Allana - posted on 10/04/2012

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When I started having sex at 15, i shared with my Mum that i was having sex. She took a deep breath, and i told her i wanted birth control. Ill never forget that sigh of relief! She made it very clear to me though that her paying for it for me is not her consent. that really stuck with me. I was going to do it anyways. now at 23 i have a beautiful 4 year old daughter.

When I started having sex, I knew what i was up against. i knew about all the available contraceptives, all the stds; symptoms, what they do to your body etc, pregnancy... Chances are, so does your daughter. try relating to her. share those experiences from when you were 16 (or starting out having sex), maybe hearing it in a different context will help her see that you just want her to be as safe as possible.

My daughter will not get a choice. once she hits high school, thats it. ill educate her, and she can choose the method she wants, bottom line, shes getting it.



Ary you doing wrong with her relationship? absolutely not! as long as she is happy with him and he treats her well, there should be no problem. personally i would be greatful that its a long term relationship. :)



Hope this helps!

Angela - posted on 10/03/2012

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To all the parents who advocate telling their daughters that contraceptive pills are "only" hormone pills or that they won't prevent pregnancy but will help with certain gynaecological health issues, I'm really at a loss understanding how this actually works!



To quote Donna Parmelee - "My mom explained to me that the pills WOULD NOT prevent pregnancy. I was fooled! And it worked!"



If teenage kids are buying whatever their parents are telling them about their medication (ANY medication) - then they're certainly not streetwise or clued-up enough to be making any independent choices of their own, including deciding whether they're going to be sexually active!



We're now living in the computer age, kids can look anything up for themselves. And what about the leaflets that come in the box with EVERY type of tablet or medicine? I can honestly say that from the age of 12 upwards I would NOT have taken ANY medication without reading the leaflet that came in the box with the tablets/medicine.



I was not sexually active before the age of 17 myself but I was clued-up on contraceptives etc ... When we're encouraging our kids to be "drugs aware" this means prescription drugs as well as illegal, recreational drugs. First point of reference is the leaflet that comes with the medication!



I'm 54 and my own children are grown-up now but really didn't know that adolescents were apparently so naive nowadays!

Angela - posted on 10/03/2012

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Amy - you and I seem to have similar parenting styles. My daughter is young still so there are some stuff where I decide, but I'm a big believer of when she has problems of helping her brain storm possible solutions and when she shows she's not receptive to discuss them, then we take a break from the conversation until she is receptive. It's all about watching to see how our children respond to us and then adjusting because in the end, we all want our children to grow up in the best possible scenario like some of the women who have posted on here.

Angela - posted on 10/03/2012

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Laura - talking didn't work when we were younger because it was a one-sided conversation and like your friends was probably abstinence only. My Mom was the same way, but she also shared that her fear was if I got pregnant, she didn't want to be stuck with the decision of giving away the baby for adoption and then I would hate her for having to make that decision. I saw a friend have to do that and how hard it was for her so I didn't get pregnant while in high school. So those of us who talk about talking, we don't mean being controlling and saying, "Here's what you should do." I have honest talks with my daughter and she's 6. We talk through lots of things and she comes to me about stuff all the time and I hope that continues. It's not about being her friend. It's about being a parent and helping her to learn good decisions. How is that supposed to happen without good conversations over the years?

Melvinsmom - posted on 10/01/2012

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When I was 16 my mother took me to the doctor and said that I had ovarian cysts and that the birth control pills will help. My mom explained to me that the pills WOULD NOT prevent pregnancy. I was fooled! And it worked!

User - posted on 09/30/2012

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I do not feel forcing her would be a good idea. That will put a huge strain on your relationship. You should trust her and keep the lines of communications open. If she is going to make a mistake, she will do it no matter what. She has to learn from them. All you can do is be supportive of her in all of her decisions and be there for her. I never told my daughters what they could and could not do. I gave them options, gave them my opinions; but in the end it was their choices. They either made the right ones, or learned from their mistakes. My oldest daughter was date raped and had a baby at the age of 17. My youngest daughter got married and had her first baby two months after turning eighteen. That was her choice.

Carissa - posted on 09/26/2012

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I had an iud put in when i was seventeen and had never had a child, i couldn't walk for days with cramps. And after having two natural births, would take them over the insertion any day... It hurt so badly I cannot bring myself to have one put in after two kids, really it was that bad.

Sierra - posted on 09/26/2012

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Diedre,



Dear, I congratulate you on how mature you are and I am proud of you for standing up and taking care of your daughter. I also had my kids young, I had my 2nd daughter 3 days after my birthday. I also have a two year old daughter. And I'm only 21 years old. I got pregnant with my oldest almost immediately after I graduated high school, so I was fortunate there. I plan on having the talk with my girls as soon as I can. They are going to be put on birth control, because I don't want them to go through what I did. I was on the pill and taking it the correct way, and both pregnancies came while I was on the pill, 3 weeks ago I had the mirena put in, and so far it is awesome. I had huge plans for my life, travel, college, etc. I wouldn't trade Kaylynn and Zoey for anything in the world. But I definitely want them to be on birth control as soon as they get their period. When I was in my Obgyns office pregnant with my first child, I was in the waiting room with a 12 year old pregnant with twins. And I looked at her mom, and her mom Who said, it was completely consensual, she had the talk with her daughter but didn't push the birth control idea. She knew she would be raising her grandchildren.



But again, I wanted to congratulate you, and even though I don't know you, I'm proud of the fact you grew up and matured into a great mom. I understand the hard work associated with being a young mom. I worked 2 jobs, one from 6 am to 6pm. And another from 6:30 pm to 12 am. My baby's sperm donor aka father, was a bum and didn't have a job and was supposed to watch her, but I ended up taking my daughter to work with me alot or letting my best friend babysit her.

But congratulations on your daughter and hope things continue to look bright for your future.

Diedre Mackenzie - posted on 09/26/2012

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I'm only 17 and i have a 2 year old. I lost my v-card at a very young age. I sometimes think i should have waited to have sex to start my life and bring another in this world. But I did have opitions My Mom asked me if I didn't want to take birth control then to at least use condoms everytime i had sex. I did. i used precautions everytime. But my parents also made sure i new what the outcome would be if i didn't. She made me watch a video of a lady giving birth, I thought i was scared. But on the other hand even when i used condoms and went to the doctor regularly and tried being safe i ended up getting pregnant. the condom broke. of coarse. my mom gave me options again. Keep the baby. Give the baby to my mom untill i was ready to be her parent or adoption. I never once considered termination. I grew up alot in the 8months i was pregnant. My birthday is nov. 30 i had my daughter dec 27. i was barely 16 when i had rosalie. My plans were never ruined. I graduated highschool december 21, 2011. I started college april 9th, 2012. I got me a job. i moved out and I'm doing great. my daughter never ruined my plans for the future. If anything she made me stick to my plans so i can give her to a better future. I'm going to do everything i can to make sure my daughter doesn't have to go through the things i've gone threw.



But it is okay to let her make the decision of not taking birthcontrol. Just make sure you communicate with your daughter and her boyfriend. Just make sure she knows what the responsibility of taking care of a baby. It's hard work but it doesn't ruin your plans just because you become a teen mom. Its amazing i would never change the way my life has become my daughter is a blessing.

Abigail - posted on 09/26/2012

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my mother was never really comfortable about sex talk. she said to me when you think you are ready to start indulging come and l will tell you what to do. no little girl wants her mom to know that she is indulging so l didn't tell her. as a result l got pregnant at the age of 18. my daughter and l are very open when it comes to sex maybe because l am a peer educator. am glad your daughter and you speak openly. its the best you can do. you've given her good advise. who knows she may be taking them secretly and just doesn't want you to know. l guess its hard to trust a teenager but give her the benefit of doubt. do not make it hard for her to come to you and do not alienate her. at their age they tend to resist what the parents say but they do listen. why not keep quiet for a while and do not mention the subject who knows she may just be the one to broach the subject with you. meanwhile let her know you love her and you want whats best for her.

Laura - posted on 09/26/2012

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I hope all the moms replying to have a "talk" with the child remember how well talking did when we were sixteen. I talked to my mom about everything and so my friends talked to their parents as well, my mom made me get on birth control, my friends parents didn't. About 80% of my friends ended up dropping out of school and married before 18 with a child. It didn't ruin my relationship with my mom, I thanked her years later for looking out for me. I feel fortunate my mom was there to make decisions for me. I was too young to know better. I didn't have my first child until 32 when I was emotionally and financially ready which made the experience pure joy without the worry.

Lissa Rose - posted on 09/26/2012

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It looks like you've got a bunch of replies, and it may be fun to wade through all of them.



Get your daughter to talk to her gynocologist, and you talk to her doctor too. The first concern should be side effects. Is there a reason to be concerned?



Why does your daughter not want to take them? That is somethign you two need to discuss. In my opinion (I have an 11 year old son, am the oldest of 6 kids, had my two months, two weeks and two days after turning 18, and am now a high school teacher.), she should have access and probably take the birth control and have a supply of condoms. She needs to know how to use these things as well. I am not saying that she needs to be encouraged to have sex, and you should tell her this, but it is better to be prepared than not. There is a lot of stigma still attached to being prepared and taking these precautions. Some of my girls (primarily 16 and 17) believe that it makes them a slut to be prepared. Then again, our teen birthrate is rediculous where I work.



Open communication is important not only with her but her boyfriend. From what I've seen, forbidding them to see one another might cause huge problems. Teens rebel, and they can get ugly when they do so.



Good luck and take care! Wish you all the best.

Marita - posted on 09/26/2012

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hi

i have need to write you something . I got pregnant with 16 years and gave birth 3 months before my 17 birthay. Now i we 36 and my son is at university second year ,20 ...it was realy hard for me all the sacrifice,stop the scool,not seeing my friends so often,stop going to dance for too long.....u can imagine. Ill think the best way is to talk to her constantly ( I did not have that).That can be a hard one if u dont do it usualy but if u are, then u just have to start to talk about making love too(it mean u need to open yourself to her and talk from yours expiriances and fell free to use my too and any that can help u ).Say her what are u thinking(gently) and that she know that u are there for her. ill think the most important thing is to explain her the responsibility that goes with sexual activity ( diseasese, birth control,pregnency)and all the counceqences of every of that 3... Im shore that she know all of that but it is diferent when she hear that from her mother and father in a loving and gently atmosphere of your home ...Now is the time that she see that she can trust you and that u are there for her and love her anyway, what ever she decide (condoms, pills,apstinency ) It would be good to tell her that u know that she wants a space for her privacy but she really need to know what it goes whith that space and u are there to try to show and teach here like u did with a lot of things in life untill now.Try gently and if its not going forbide her anything to prevent her for making wrong choices before becoming an adult.A nice gynecologist can help you .Good luck !

Heidi - posted on 09/25/2012

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I think that even though she says she won't be having sex that she really needs to be on the pill too! The last thing u want is an accidental pregnancy on your hands! Maybe to convince her to take the pill, you could tell her that the best thing about your pill is that it regulates your period and so that way she can always be prepared that way.

I don't think u are doing the wrong thing by letting her have a relationship because all teenage girls will do what they want to do even if it means defying their parents. As long as she is telling u whats going on and you are both honest and open with each other, i think you are doing the right thing!

Laura - posted on 09/25/2012

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Hmmmm...just a reminder that we are stewards of our children, not owners. A trusting, open, realistic conversation with your daughter regarding her sexuality and her boyfriend is in order. Condoms are relatively reliable and much safer as far as long term side effects go. Ultimately you can't be in control of your daughter's every moment. You could try to force her to take the pill, but really, she could hide it, not take it, vomit it-teenagers are very resourceful and determined. Be candid, open, a safe haven, and trust your child. If she screws up, well, that's life too.

Heidi - posted on 09/25/2012

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I was in high school in the mid-90's it was about the time they started passing out condoms at school dances and in health class to all the kids regardless. My school hadn't started that program yet when I graduated. I'm sure they have now though because society seems to think that all teenagers lack morals. I was offended by this attitude back then, If someone had handed them out at a school dance or in health class, I would have said "No thank you, I am not a slut, but it is nice to know how low your opinion of me is." By forcing bc on her, you are not only sending her this message, but also expecting her to have sex. How about giving her the benefit of the doubt and encouragement to do the right thing and praise her for making that choice in a world where morality is looked down on.



If you feel a need to push the issue, how about you compromise. Ask her to promise you that if she does make the decision to have sex that she will come to you and start taking birth control and require her boyfriend to use a condom everytime.



I see no problem taking her to the OB/GYN to learn the facts. The doctor can give her the facts about all of these things and the risks and benefits to BC.



BTW as for the depo shot, my OB/GYN will not give it until the woman has taken the pill first so he can see how she reacts to the added hormones, some women have adverse reactions to it. He says, you can stop taking the pill and within a week or two the hormones will be out of your system, but with the shot, you can't undo the hormones if you react badly, then they are in your system for 12 weeks.

Carissa - posted on 09/25/2012

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And also what if they have a bad reaction and they're stuck with a whole years worth of problems

Carissa - posted on 09/25/2012

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I would be weary of that. Apparently while it was being created some of the powder that contained hormones blew around the lab adn the male scientists started growing boobs. After that the scientist in charge of making it suggested it not be used, but it is anyways. I got this info out of 'birth matters' by ina may gaskin.

Carissa - posted on 09/25/2012

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No way! I realize your concern but forcing her to take birth control is no good. Some women have really bad side effects. I know I felt like I was going crazy when I took them. If she has been having sex she has apparently been careful or she would have most likely been pregnant already. No use causing hurt feelings by forcing her to take them/threatening loss of boyfriend, plenty of women avoid pregnancy by using condoms, and anyways, condoms help prevent std's. As a teenager I took birth control and therefore didn't use condoms because of a lack of judgment and understanding of consequences. There are alot of STDS worse than a baby!!!

Kim - posted on 09/25/2012

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she's 16 you can't force her to take the pill, showing her you don't trust her will cause more problems. she seems to have a good head on her shouders.......not every 16 year old has sex & the ones that do, they don't all result in babys.

Kari - posted on 09/25/2012

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You force things, you get a rebel in return... My suggestion is just trust her. Talk to her, support her, and make sure she knows that if she wants to talk or has questions she can come you. It is scary, and I know you don't trust her 100% (or else you wouldn't be asking this) but she can't know that. She needs to think that you do.

Vanessa - posted on 09/24/2012

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Just trust her, that way you will stay closer to her and make her feel more confidant and in-powered that she is making a great decision for herself and she'll know that you support her choice and that she can come to you with other "choices" knowing you are her trusted confidant because you did not try to undermine her or her decisions, yes, teens are not perfect and will make mistakes, but I don't agree that putting her on the pill is good for your relationship with her or for her body, look up all the side effects of hormonal bc, the shot (very bad) from personal experience, good luck to you

Mary - posted on 09/24/2012

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All you can do is teach her about sex and responsibility. Not only talk to her show her true facts. Show her how much it costs to race a child money involved responsibilities, nights stayn up, doctor appointments, no going out, and possibility of never having contact with father, 9 months of carrying the child and pain. Provide all details to the T and ask her if she is ready for this. Also include birth control pills don't offer 100%. If she says I'm ready put her on the pill, just make sure you provide her with proven fact. You might want to add that it could ruin her current relationship. A lot to put on a teen but she's asking to do something made for adults.

Crystal - posted on 09/24/2012

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I would have her get DepoProvera (sp) the shot. If it is a case where she feels it may give her boyfriend the wrong idea, she doesn't have to tell him. It's personal anyway. That being said, if you really do believe she has a head on her shoulders hopefully she's smart enough to come to you when it -is- time. I wouldn't want to damage either your relationship nor her and her bf's due to this.

Laurene - posted on 09/24/2012

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Thats a tough one!! She may think she has it under control, but U R right a moment of weakness can result in a baby! I don't think I can offer any solutions it's kinda a hard one!!

Good Luck with your decisiion.

Jennifer - posted on 09/24/2012

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I also have a teen daughter. We have been openly speaking about these issues for many years. Most of the babies in my family have been conceived on some form of bc. What I said to my daughter is that is she makes a choice to have sex she is then setting herself up to possibly need to make other choices. I have spoken frankly with her about the difficulty that women face with the three choices that exist once pregnancy occurs. We discussed the failure rate of various bc products and that truly the only way to 100% prevent pregnancy is abstinence. I provided my daughter with condoms with the words that I think she should wait however if she feels that she absolutely can not please be safe and do what she can to both prevent pregnancy and STI. My daughter came to the conclusion on her own that she does not want to have to make decisions regarding pregnancy so she has chosen abstinence. She has admitted to me that she has done some other fooling around however she is being cautious to prevent diseases. The tricky part about BC is that if it is not taken correctly and timely hormonal levels fluctuate and ovulation occurs leading to girls believing they are protected when they may not be at that time. My only true advice is to sit down and have an open conversation. I explained to my daughter that part of growing up is being able to have a mature conversation. I found not raising my voice and keeping quiet while my daughter speaks was critical to her feeling that she could trust my true intentions which were just to help her. Good luck to you.,

Stacie - posted on 09/24/2012

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I agree...they are not able to fully realize the impact of their decisions on many levels...much less intimate...and since that is the case I have my 16yr old daughter on what is called implanon...it's a simple in office procedure. it's a stick that gets inserted in the upper inside of your arm and lasts 3 years...much easier than even the depo shot...she will give in to many forms of peer pressure and sex is one w/lasting impact...there are the same basic side effects as the shot...almost none. really the only thing is that your period slows to almost none...and tha'ts not too bad! right? that affect actually encouraged my daughter. i have it also. she knows we don't approve of sex, but are smart enough to realize it will happen...we also talk about other forms of protections agains disease...and then you have to HOPE for the best. you are still the parent. kids don't like to eat vegatables either and how many years have we figured away to get them to do that??

Nelly - posted on 09/24/2012

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be open with her about the consecuenses of unsafe sex.. If and when she's ready for it, the first thing would be condoms. this will help not only to avoid pregnancy risks but other sexual transmitted diseases . Once she has made the decision to have sex, tell her you will be there for her and together with your doctor, can choose the birth control system of her choice. I personally think the shot is better, but it has to be with her consent.

Deanna - posted on 09/24/2012

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I think forcing her to go on the pill is a very bad idea!! It WILL ruin your relationship with her. There is no maybe. She will no longer trust you and that is not a good thing. You want her to trust you with, "Mom. I think I am ready to have sex with my boyfriend. Can you take me to the doctor for birth control?". Without that trust, you would be the last to know and only after she is pregnant.

Have you had the protected sex conversation? Does she know she has options?

What my parents did with us, they had a box of condoms in the bathroom. Then, if we thought there was a chance of it, we had access to them.

By forcing her on the pill, you are telling her you don't trust her. And that will cause more problems than you will want to think about.

My sister and I always had a condom in our purse, just in case.

Trust your daughter and let her know she can turn to you when she decides to have sex.

Lydia - posted on 09/24/2012

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If they've been dating for 3 years and if they exchange messages of sexual nature - their relationship is going that way, which is OK. If she's against the pill and if they've been ok for these 3 years, means: 1. you can trust her enough, 2. they're probably using or have been using condoms.

April - posted on 09/24/2012

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How about a talk on not having sex. From personal experience and talking to many teen girls who were not having sex, the moment mom put them on birth controal is the moment sex happened. In my case I was hurt and figured well you think I'm having sex already so might as well. When a simple talk from my mom telling me to wait would have made all the difference. The same is true with 90% of the girls I talk to.

Nikki - posted on 09/24/2012

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Jan, as a certified teacher you can chart with Non regular periods. Actually charting will reveal how normal a cycle is. You are trying to make it fit in someone ekses idea of normal. However, learning to read your hormones will teach you each women is different from month to month. Your normal is not the next persons and that changes all the time. Introducing false hormones on top of their hormones and then trying to get them to manage that is not a responsible choice learning to live with how you are made is. Girls are smarter than you think, educate them and responsibility will be shown to you.

Randi - posted on 09/24/2012

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I would definitely give her a choice and you could speak to her about the pros and cons of taking an oral birth control. One of the biggest pros is that if her menses isn't regulated, the pills would help regulate her. (or if she has heavy periods it can help). The best bet may be to go to a doctor appointment with her and have an open discussion with her MD. This way you, your daughter and the doctor can decide what is the best way--remember not only is there the oral bc, there is "the shot" every 3 months, the implant that is good for 3 or 5 years, and several types that are left in the vagina for 3 weeks then out for 1 week, It is way better to give her all the information--incl info about how condoms work rather than leave it up to others. The type of bc she decides to go with should take into consideration how well she remembers to take medication daily. Never ever make it taboo...........

Sierra - posted on 09/24/2012

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What about the mirena? I just had one put in and now I don't have to worry about another baby for 5 years!!! If you are concerned about the pills or shots, then do an iud and use condoms to prevent STDs. Just a thought..... My girls will definitely have an iud put in or on the pill. I don't trust condoms to prevent pregnancy.

April - posted on 09/24/2012

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I have an 18 year old daughter who has been dating the same guy for about 2 years now.I have not made her get on birth control,but we have open honest discussions about it.I have also talked to her boyfriend about it.The Talk as many parents call it should be an ongoing dialog where you as the parent need to be non judgemental.Forcing birth control sends a message that you don't trust her.Our girls need to know that the V card (virginity) can only be given away once.There are no refunds or exchanges.Nothing is a sure thing.Once you have given away that V card.It cheapens it for the next guy if you break up .Right now she holds the golden ticket in a wonka bar,but after that it is a snickers that anyone can get anywhere. Talk to them together and find out where they stand on the sex thing.The more you talk without judging the more willing she will be to tell you when she is ready.

Yanna - posted on 09/24/2012

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Try as I might, I don't see how you could force a 16 year old to take bc pills and do it correctly, so as to avoid an undesirable pregnancy. Why don't you just explain about condoms (which have the upside of being a more flexible meansof birth control AND of providing protection from STDs) Also, there is an upside to her dating the same guy for the last three years, if they are that emotionally close, it is mych more likely that he will care for her (as she for him, of course) enough to try avoid any mishaps. Isn't better that she sleep with somemone she feels connected to rather than with some random date somewhere along the line?

Amber - posted on 09/23/2012

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I would simply be open and honest with her and hopefully she will do the same with you. If you start forcing things on her she may rebel and do exactly what you don't want her to. Just be there for her, and talk to her regularly about it. There is always the possibility that she may already be taking precautions? I was somewhat smart, I made sure to take my butt to planned parenthood and get birth control and condoms! Good luck.

Chelsea - posted on 09/23/2012

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Dont force her! You've got to realise that some pills can have a negative affect on teens, break outs, weight gain, mood swings, painful periods...

If you really are concerned that she may not be telling you the truth then sit down with her and talk to her about it, show her an episode of 16 and pregnant if you must! Just drill it into her that a baby can dramatically change your life especially at her age.

Buy her some condoms and create a relationship with her that enables her to trust you and know that you won't judge her if she does, she just has to be safe about it. Talk to her about the morning after pill if she didn't use protection and agree that as her parent you will consent if she wants any form of bc. She needs to know that as a woman you will understand and help her of she wants to take control of her body.

Remember even though she is your daughter it's still her body! If she doesn't want to take it you can't force her. Please don't make her afraid to come to you if something did happen!

Because of how my dad reacted I was afraid to tell him I was pregnant at 22!!! Now he and my children are not close because he doesn't think of them as planned even though they were and because he thinks just cause I was engaged and not married I wasn't ready!

Be your daughters friend, not an enemy.

Uzma - posted on 09/23/2012

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I have a friend who went on the shot, and it screwed her up badly. She hasn't had a period for 6 years. She can no longer have kids. She is only 28.



By forcing it on her, all your doing in creating bitterness and resentment. Plus if she's unwilling, it's not gonna work. Those pills need to be taken every single day around the same time. Unless she's willing, it's going to provide a false sense of security.



By forcing it, you're telling her you don't trust her, and that you don't believe in her. Which will affect your relationship forever.



Honest open conversation is a better way to go. And if she does get pregnant, she can still pursue her dreams. Is it easy? Nope, but it can be done.

Lisa - posted on 09/23/2012

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This is a tough issue, first of all unless you actually stand there and watch her take the pill there is no way you can force her to take it. If it had been me she would have lost all rights to privacy in her relationship six months ago when you read the text message. My rule would have been all text message will be read by me before deletion as well as Facebook and email exchange. And if I found out my daughter failed to follow that protocol there would be no privileges. (No texting, no email, and no Facebook) Even bright girls make stupid mistakes and if she is unwilling to take precautions the rules should be set up to make sure they aren't needed. Including no unsupervised time together my daughter would have to be with me and her boyfriend or his parents (presuming they are responsible and will not blow it off). Also I would make sure that if all else failed she had condoms.

Samantha - posted on 09/23/2012

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You should receive mom of the year. Give me a flippin break... 1 you will not stop her from seeing him, despite what you think.. Besides that's cruel. And 2. Don't force your child to choose between pills and him. Do your mom duty, teach her about sex, abstinence, and condoms. Give her advice not ultimatums!

Amanda - posted on 09/23/2012

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My mother never talked to me about sex or protecting against getting pregnant. I was 18 when I got pregnant and it stoped my life in it's track. If you want to make sure she is taking the pill then you hand it to her at it to her every morning and watch and make sure she takes it. I love my daughter but I wish I would have been on the pill or known how to protect myself from getting pregnant. I'm 26 now with an almost 7 year old and her dad is almost 28. The things and drug life we have been through before he got in the army was the worst life our daughter has ever gone through. When she gets old enough she will get the hpv shot and be on the very best birth control that is in the u.s. I will never let my daughter turn out like me or have her dreams of life crushed like mine were. You have every right to be concerned about your daughter getting pregnant. Me and my bf (now husband)got pregnant the one time we didn't use protection. Now that I'm a mom I will take every step I can so my daughter does not become a teen mom like I was. Stay true to your heart and go with your gut. In the end, if you make her be on the pill or shot out lessen the possible ways she will get pregnant.

La'Toya - posted on 09/23/2012

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I was 14 when I had my most serious relationship and he was 18. I too was a good student and very much into sports. I was not ready for it right away, but my parents seen this progression and just was open and my DaD said that " I'd rather you tell me that you need birth control then to say Dad I'm pregnant". So, when your time comes let me know, so I can take you and get the right birth control for you, no questions asked, I will take you to where you need to go, and he did. So, I said that to say don't force her, if they've been dating for 2 yrs, they are doing what is right, because I'm sure sex had came up in their relationship before the text, and I am sure that text is not the 1st one of that nature, you just happen to see that one. Her boyfriend should be given some credit also too, as you know how young guys can be, mine was great and is my Husband now and we had our first when I was 26, and I will be 47 in Nov, so trust her she has made the adult decision to wait so far, she/they will most likely do what's right when the time comes.

JOAN - posted on 09/23/2012

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You have to be carefull with the shots though cause they can screw up your body enough to make you never have kids. If you have an open realtionship with your daughter talk to her about the text. There are many side effects to taking the pill, and knowing that it only can help you not get pregnant but not STD's that's more scary than a baby.

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