giving my baby my ex surname name - or not?

Zulu - posted on 03/22/2014 ( 2 moms have responded )




Please help me im so confused. im 38 weeks pregnant and have been apart from my boyfriend since i was 4 months pregnant.

we were together for 3 years, i am 28 he is 23. we had a volatile relationship all the way through, then when came along this unplanned pregnancy - he said he wasnt ready and wished i was in this position with someone else. his words. with that, he left me to get through it on my own.

we have continuously argued throughout my pregnancy, mainly over him not being around, him going out every weekend and pretty much not helping with very much. he hasnt taken much interest, however he did attend both of the scans, and he has attended the 4 evening parent craft class things with me. he has told me he wants to be at the birth, (i am also taking my sister in as support) however i feel he is very unreliable.

I have a steady job with a fair wage, i support myself, i have my own 4 bedroom house with a mortgage in my own name. He still lives at home with his mother and does not/did not ever want to commit to living with me or acting as a proper couple living together. He has only recently got his first job and is hopeless with money etc. he is not used to having any responsibilities in life, he is very immature.

i know it sounds ridiculous, but i do still feel hopeful that once this baby is here will be there, but what if not?

i keep thinking that in time he will sort himself out, but deep down i dont see that happening. He has never put me first in any situation, and i dont think i could stand him doing that to my little girl.

I would like to get married in future and possibly have more children, the likelihood of that being with him is very slim now and i hate the thought of my babies having different names.

Do i give it his surname or mine? I said at the start it would be his but im not sure anymore. Please help?

i am just worried that if i dont give her his name he will be even less interested in her. I hate this whole sorry situation ive put myself in.

How would i go about telling him that i want to give her my surname?

Ive thought about nothing else for months now, i think the right thing to do is give her my name, based on the fact that he hasnt bothered, he clearly has no commitment or love for me, he is very disrespectful when it comes to me because i dont allow him to do as he pleases and walk all over me - he is used to getting his own way. Its hard saying no to him. I still have feelings for him, but more than anything he makes me so angry at the way he has treat me during this pregnancy. i dont think i will get over this or forget it all anytime soon.

I have done it all myself, leaned on my friends and family for support when i needed it, not him. My daughter will live with me, i am now facing the realities of being this single parent so why should i give her his name? I dont want it to turn nasty, his mother is excited about being a grandmother and only yesterday has offered to purchase the pushchair. we have not always seen eye to eye but i want to try and remain civil, for the babies sake. she seems to be doing the same.

at what point do i say that im not calling her his surname?

thank you for taking the time to reply


View replies by

Ingreid Sarahjane - posted on 03/22/2014




It is quiet difficult to answer you my dear,your in a situation that only you know.
So if I was in your place may be I will give her my name,because if it is really clear that this man don't want to hear from me no more so there is nothing to worry about but if you still feel that he is just confused and that he wil be back then it will be more appropriate to give his name.
you just have to be sure of his intention,so just talk to him seriously and try to find the answers.May be he feels that he is young to assume such responsibilities but what is done is done my dear and he must realise this because this decision is very serious,it concerns the life of this little one,who is innocent.just think about this little angel and you will find the answer together with him.good luck

Michelle - posted on 03/22/2014




I would be giving her your surname. You can change it in the future if he does want what you want but in the meantime the she is yours.
You don't need to tell him beforehand that you are giving her your name at all, if he doesn't want to be involved then it's his own fault.

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