Giving up a child for adoption

Gladys - posted on 01/28/2014 ( 59 moms have responded )

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I am having a meltdown. My husband and I are 23 and still finishing college. We have a 14 month old daughter that we are raising at my moms. We had plans to move out, but financial issues keep us here. We had intercourse during a BC switch and I could be pregnant again. I took a Plan B the night of, but my period still seems overdue. I can't lie about how I feel towards motherhood. I don't enjoy it at all. I was always told that my feelings would change, but they haven't. I tried explaining this to my husband and he still seems to think that I would want to keep this baby if I am in fact pregnant and I don't. We don't have the money, time, and to be honest I don't have the love to give it. Has any other American couple here gone through and adoption? How does it work? I tried to look up the information, but it is all a little confusing for me.
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I am not here for condom lectures, nor am I here for "you will change your mind." I have a 14 month old that I struggle with daily and I wouldn't wish that on any other baby.

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Heather - posted on 02/04/2014

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My husand is laywer i can have him explain it in a way you understand i know for sure your going to need the dads aproval and signiture also make sure you get to know the family your giving this baby too. But i do understand you situation my sister just had her second child she collects welfare for them and she does not ever have what the baby needs ignores the baby and oldest child she lives with my parents the baby lives with her. i raised the oldest one till she was 5 then i got married. But the time i spend with them makes me wish i could have one or take the baby away from her i have indometreosis so i cant have kids but i cherish every time i spend with my nieces but i do all i can to make there life as good as it can be the oldest goes to private school and they have trust funds and retirement accounts that will be worth millions but sorry for rambling. What kind of adoption do you want we will get you all the info and explain

Tracy - posted on 02/01/2014

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You seem like a woman who definitely knows what she wants and doesn't. I feel bad that lots of folks here have gotten way off topic on something very important to you. You asked for information on how adoption works, not everyone's opinion on your choice.

I adopted my son, Cameron. I ended up going international, he's Russian, but here is what I learned about domestic: there are two kinds of domestic adoptions. There are those that come from the state and those that come from private lawyers. I am not a great "baby" mom but love being a mom to kids 2yrs. old and older. That's why I can relate to you. My older son is biological so when we adopted Cameron, I knew I wanted a child at least age 2.

We chose to go through a private adoption lawyer (just google private adoption lawyer in your area). I don't want to bash state adoptions so I will just say the positive about private adoption lawyers. Most importantly, you get a say in who adopts your child. The potential parents are much more quality and financially stable when you go private. Once you choose the adoptive parents, they pay for all of your medical bills. You can choose whether you want an open adoption, meaning you can keep in touch, or a closed adoption, meaning you cut ties completely.

For what it's worth, I am so proud of you for making the decision to go through with the pregnancy and put "it" up for adoption. You will be the angel that another family is looking for. You are giving your unborn child the greatest gift and it is very unselfish. Don't listen to what anyone else says. Go with your gut and you will be blessed.

If you need anything, pm me. Here to help...

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/31/2014

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Jillian...Gotta love the glitches on this blasted site, I tell you!

As soon as I can, I'll send you a pm. All is well with us, my dear, and you're more than welcome to add me to circles, I'll add you to mine, if they ever come back!

I'm going to try something, so if you do get a message from me...it worked...

KH - posted on 01/30/2014

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Hi! Just read for post and I think that adoption is the way to go. My husband and I adopted our precious baby boy in August of 2012. We are both in mid 30s and could not have children. We were blessed to have a wonderful birth mother who was 19 at the time and knew she wasn't ready to be a mom. We were there for dr. App t's and ultrasounds and right outside the door at the hospital when he came into the world. We did a private adoption since we found each other. We have visited a few times and are still in touch every month. This wonderful young woman gave us the most selfless gift and we are forever grateful. Our sweet boy is the light of our lives and is loved by so many people. There are so many couples who would love to adopt your baby. You could help to make someone's dream of a child come true. Good luck!

Joelle - posted on 01/29/2014

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At my church, there is a lady who is always very encouraging with her clinic.
http://www.adoptionsweetbeginnings.com/a...
I do not have any knowledge of it but this place might be able to just talk with you and help explain things?
If not this one, find a place close to you.
I am proud that you know what you can and can't take on and you are considering adoption!
best of luck!!

59 Comments

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Renay - posted on 02/13/2014

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If you dont want to abort, call a lawyer and he will take you through the adoption. good luck.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/13/2014

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Man...and he wouldn't buy the "God's purpose for this baby is to bless a childless couple"? I'm so sorry. And concerned for you. Like a previous poster mentioned, you may not be a 'baby' person, but you may find that, as the 14 month old gets older, and more self sufficient, you may find that you ARE a 'kid' person. But, the stress for you of waiting to figure that out, and wondering if there's something 'wrong' with you...There's NOT, by the way!

You are trying to be mature about this, and trying to think about what would be best for all involved. Sounds like your husband and his family have their heads stuck up their asses.

I'll keep you in my thoughts, and pray for your situation. I truly wish I could just come gather you up and hug you and make it better, but...I don't think I can...

Keep me posted.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/13/2014

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Gladys, hon, don't beat yourself up over this. I know it's tough, but he kind of sounds like a selfish brat!

He won't even consider counseling? I'm sure you've told him about your mental state, but he won't bend? Go to a shelter. There are resources that are available to you, and his forcing you to keep a child that you really can't afford is bordering on an abusive situation.

Is he willing to raise the child on his own?

Gladys - posted on 02/13/2014

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I've talked to everyone and my mental health is of no concern to anyone but me. Apparently I am selfish and the decision to try and adopt is silly. My life is to be nothing more than a sacrifice for this child. We can't afford this baby and I'm forced to deal with it. I'm miserable and stuck with it. I can't legally adopt without his permission. I would just divorce and give him custody, but I can't support myself. I really can't believe how shitty this situation is. I dodged sex for MONTHS.... when I got my pills it was okay but when I ran out again he had me so convinced I wouldn't get pregnant again I just went ahead with it. HOW stupid could I possibly get?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/11/2014

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He refused a conversation, and dictated? That is not going to end well, you are right. You need to get him in with a mediator, and a counselor so that he can understand that this could be a problem, rather than a solution...

Good luck!

Gladys - posted on 02/11/2014

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So he basically told me we have to keep the baby in spite of everything. At this point I am at a loss for how to manage. I believe that this child belongs to a loving home that has the means to support it. This can't end well.

Gladys - posted on 02/04/2014

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Uhh.. Thanks Shawnn. I actually didn't even read what Jillian said. LOL. I'm glad I didn't though i'm an emotional guilty wreck as it is.

Gladys - posted on 02/04/2014

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AnotherAnnieTX Thank you so much! We don't have any money, I recently LOST my health coverage. The job I just got FIRED me and I have been kicked out of college for dropping too many classes. I have no business having another baby and I tried REALLY hard not to. I really appreciate you sharing your story. I also appreciate the support.

Angela - posted on 02/02/2014

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Don't know much about adoption but I know people who've adopted children, people who've been adopted as children and people who have given their children up for adoption.

Vast numbers of children in your state waiting for a permanent home and family are generally NOT newborn infants but older children who are harder to find homes for - including sibling groups, children with emotional & behavioural problems and children with disabilities. There are several couples waiting for each newborn child given to adoption.

Your main issue here is that you are legally married and your husband's consent is important to this procedure. In many cases the father of the baby may or may not have any "say" in what happens but when the baby's father is legally married to the baby's mother, he very definitely has a "say" in what happens.

You have made a brave and responsible decision. Good luck with making the arrangements.

Sarah - posted on 02/01/2014

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Tracy describes private adoption lawyer adoption and state adoptions, but there is also private adoption agency adoptions....These are not state adoptions. With private agency adoptions they will offer free pregnancy counseling, assistance, and all legal assistance free of charge. They have adoptive families they have investigated and approved for adoption that you can meet. They have a birth parent counselor that is your support person and there for you during this process.

AnotherAnnieTX - posted on 02/01/2014

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Dear Gladys,

I sympathize with how you are feeling in some ways. Here is my story: When my husband and I were married, I wanted to have 3-4 children. We waited a while to be more financially secure before we started, and when I was finally pregnant it was one of the happiest times of my life! Then I gave birth, and my life became a dark and unhappy place. I went through severe post partum depression for the first nine months of my daughter's life. I had thoughts of harming her (I was a stay at home mother, but I was constantly calling my husband at work to come home and take care of our daughter because I kept imagining myself hurting her - though thankfully, I never did). I did not realize I was depressed until AFTER the feelings passed. This greatly affected my ability to bond with my daughter, and I didn't really feel that "in love" feeling people describe with new babies until she was more than a year old. How sad is that? So once I had that in love feeling, I felt so guilty about how her young life began. I told my husband that I did NOT. Want to have any more children. I was too afraid of the risk of a repeat, or possibly even worse experience.

In our case, we never did get pregnant again, but I have often wondered what we would have done if I had. I have considered the idea of placing a newborn for adoption of I ever had one. But like I said, it didn't come up for me. However, a few years after my daughter was born, I again felt the tug in my heart saying we should increase our family, yet I was still not willing to risk a pregnancy. Therefore, we decided to go the route of adoption. Initially, we were going to adopt internationally, because the American standard of open adoptions, and the mother's general right to change her mind after 3 days (without reimbursing any expenses of the potential adoptive couple, who have often paid for housing, health care, and all other expenses of the pregnancy) did not app real to us. International adoption is SO expensive though, we couldn't swing it. Our adoption agency suggested older child adoption internationally because it could be as much as 50% cheaper.

Then we decided, after much prayer, that if we were going to adopt older children, we could do that right here in the states. We contacted the Department of Family Protective Services and signed up for classes to adopt a child from the foster care system. It took years to find a suitable match, but we did eventually find and adopt a pair of sisters, ages 7 and 11.

Now, these are girls who are actually part of a larger sibling group, but we could not adopt them all. Their brothers have severe emotional issues, so the girls were offered separately for adoption. I can tell you, their early childhood was full of neglect because their mother was unable to love them and care for them properly. This did not keep her from continuing to have children, and the result has been much heartache and sadness in the lives of each one of these children. Even now, my girls are happy and well adjusted, but they live with the grief and loss of the memories of being torn from their parents. They love us and love being a part of out family, but the sadness about how they came to be here will always be a part of them.

So in my opinion, if you already have the feeling that you can't or won't be able to care for this new baby, and you and your husband can agree to give the child up for its own sake of having a happy and fulfilling life, I do think that is much better than the alternative. Of course, as a responsible adult, you'd probably attempt to take care of the child, it as a human, you'd resent it. That has a way of creeping into your words and behavior much more than most people will admit.

I learned a long time ago that motherhood is different for different people. My experience was not typical, and a LOT of people used to ridicule me because I let my fear keep me from having more babies. I cannot tell you how many times people have tried to convince me it would "probably" be different if I tried again, but I always knew that the right word for that was "possibly," and I wasn't willing to roll those dice. To me, it is NOT selfish for you to do what you think is in the best interest of this child. In fact, it may be the most selfless act of love there is - giving up your child to a loving family rather than raising a child you do not want simply because of societal pressure.

I myself would never have an abortion, so adoption is a beautiful and desirable alternative in the circumstances you describe, in my opinion. My only pause is that your husband does not feel the same way. But maybe if it was an open adoption and he could both still know the child and see what how he/she grows, he can live with it after all? If he doesn't agree, it severely complicates things. I don't envy your position, but whatever you decide, you have my support. Peace and blessings - upon whatever decision you ultimately make.

Jillian - posted on 01/31/2014

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Shawnn help!! I accidentally pressed marked as spam and deleted when trying to pm you!!!:( how do I get it back?,I want to reply to you.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/31/2014

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Jillian, now hover over your profile pic on the upper right. You'll see the drop down profile stuff...see if you have a message

Jillian - posted on 01/31/2014

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Ok Shawnn, so I made a mistake I didn't notice, not everyone is perfect. Ya you treat me like I am ancrossying speck or a bitch but I just don't catch on to things that easy. I am VERY sensitive so I am very sorry I was born that way. Sorry I was in a bad mood, Jesus is the most perfect person, for he died on the cross for us(I am a Christian). I know it didn't make a difference whether I had more kids like I said I was Ina bad mood. Do you forgive me? I hate fights. Can I add you to my circles? I want to know more from a more experienced mom. Forgive me Shawnn, Gladys, and God. I had a bad day and I didn't mean to tale it out on you. Gladys if you absolutely must then private adoption is the way to go, but I am not trying to say,"you will change your mind" but you might after you have her. I know whatever you do it is for the best.

Taylor - posted on 01/31/2014

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Okay,

I would definitely recommend adoption.
It doesnt mean you are a bad mother or a bad person.
Getting pregnant again doesnt mean you're a bad mother or person either.
Mistakes happen and you should be proud that you want to do what's best for your unborn child and yourself.

There are thousands of couples out there looking for a baby to adopt, get in touch with an agency.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/31/2014

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And, Jillian, how does having 4 kids make you any better than me? How does dealing with teenage drama make you better? How does that give you any more damned experience?

How old are your kids? Mine? Grown, thanks. Teenage drama? NONE AT MY HOUSE. Or, at the least, very, very little, because my kids knew what was expected of them, behaviour wise.

FYI, a higher number of kids doesn't mean that you're any MORE experienced than I, just that you got pregnant more times than I chose to. Woohoo! I'm happy for you! LOL...

But, seriously, if my response to you 'made you cry'...how do you think that your initial (now deleted) response made Gladys feel?

Oh, and again, we are adults. That means that I don't necessarily have to clean up my language. If something f*n annoys me, I'll most likely state it as such. Sugar coating doesn't happen here.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/31/2014

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Jillian, my dear, at the very least, I took the time to read your entire bitchy rant before responding.

Here's a hint. BEFORE you post, read what you've typed. Read the OP, and then re-read what you've typed. If it still seems appropriate, go ahead. If not, there's a neat little button marked delete.

And, you really are pissed about someone getting offended at you telling another human being that they make you sick, when it was blatantly obvious that your comprehension of the situation was suffering... Good. Maybe you'll think before you speak or type next time. Have you ever been in a situation such as OP is? Obviously not, or you'd have exhibited more sensitivity, and at the very least, more tact.

I am not perfect. There was ONE perfect person, He was crucified for the rest of us.

Thank you for your apology to Gladys.

But, as a MOD I am obliged to point out when someone's stepping out of line, and your comment, as stated, was well out of line.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/31/2014

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Jillian, that is quite enough. You do not need to berate another person for their personal decision to not go through with a pregnancy, or to put the child up for adoption.

You may disagree with the op, and you may state that, but to berate the woman for making a choice for her family is completely uncalled for and out of line.

And, may I add, you apparently failed to comprehend the entire OP. The woman is not speaking of surrendering her existing child, but giving THE ONE SHE'S PREGNANT WITH up for adoption. HUGE F*N DIFFERENCE THERE.

Please, in the future, before you actually hit the "reply" button, read what you've typed at least twice. If it comes across as an attack, it probably is, and you'll be notified of such.

A - posted on 01/30/2014

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Gladys, you are right, I took it as being snippy and sarcastic because I am in a bad mood and I am sorry.

Gladys - posted on 01/30/2014

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Who was being rude. Sensitive much? I was just telling you I understood how it worked.

A - posted on 01/30/2014

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oh ok no need to be rude, I was just helping since you said " I don't understand. I took it the night of." but yea I would give the baby up for adoption and seek counseling

Gladys - posted on 01/30/2014

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I know how plan B works. The effectiveness is at its highest the sooner you take it. I took an Early results test meaning that I couldn't have already been pregnant. I'm just the unlucky 3%.

A - posted on 01/30/2014

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Plan B won't work it you are already pregnant. It does not cause abortions, so chances are you may already have been pregnant?

Sarah - posted on 01/30/2014

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Nothing is wrong with you. We all have our likes and dislikes and we each have things that match us and things that don't. Some people are not baby people some are more teenager people.....so u may have an easier and enjoyable time as you child (ren) become older. Sometimes there are just people that don't enjoy parenting....There are others out there. Just hard to find and for some hard for them to admit.

Gladys - posted on 01/30/2014

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I took a test last night and I am having another baby. I don't understand. I took it the night of. Anyhow I would like to thank you all in your support and and advice on how I can get through this adoption with the babies interest first hand. I will try and see if my husband will be open to it, but at this point he thinks that we don't need to adopt out. I try talking to people and it doesn't seem to help so at this point I am at a loss... Finding another mother who doesn't enjoy it and can help me cope with it all is IMPOSSIBLE... Apparently something is wrong with me.

Marianna - posted on 01/30/2014

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Plus stressing over it will delay ur mensi as well. Seriously don't worry about it. Plan B works. Just take this as a reminder and get on a bc that'll work for you

Marianna - posted on 01/30/2014

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Don't worry too much.. plan B throws your cycle off big time .. Take a shot and a deep breath chances are your ok. The pill works within 4 days of taking it :)

[deleted account]

It seems that you could benefit from counseling. Counseling regarding how to deal with your children; counseling regarding how to be more giving and less selfish. Your comments is just about you and how you fell. There is nothing there about these poor innocent children who, one is not love how he should and deserves, and the other one should either be killed or put away because you just can handle it. Stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about giving of yourself. This may sound harsh but it is the reality and consequences of your actions. Did you think of getting a surgery so you can not have any children that way you don't have to kill them? Find counseling and find a loving, normal, emotionally balanced family for your fourteen month old and the one coming.

Sarah - posted on 01/29/2014

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Just read the other posts.....The number you quote for Indiana adoptions is state adoptions.....Those r MUCH different then private agency adoptions. State adoption are often ones where the child has been removed by the state. Many of those that are waiting to be adopted are older children. With older children also comes lots more issues. For infant/newborn adoptions there is a waiting list of adopted families no matter what agency you go with.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/29/2014

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Sarah, thanks for jumping in. very helpful advice there.

Sarah - posted on 01/29/2014

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I work in adoption. First you are very strong for considering adoption. I would suggest getting involved with a local adoption agency that does birth parent counseling. It is important to have a support system around you and they can really be that. They will also help you with picking out a family and if you want meeting them. They can help with making sure you get the type of adoption you want.

Each state has different laws as to when you can sign release of custody papers....The agency will help you with that and their lawyer will do all the legal work. For most agencies this is all free for you including the counseling.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/29/2014

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Joanne, that is what open adoptions are for. They solve the whole "what happened" question, because the adoptive family agrees to share information, etc, with the biological parent or parents.

Joanne - posted on 01/29/2014

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Hi Gladys. I understand your concern about having another baby which just thinking about it is probably causing you much stress. Giving up your baby may sound like a logical idea right now but you will realize down the road what a mistake it would be to do so. A friend of mine gave up her baby because she wasn't married and she didn't think she could handle raising a child at the time. She was 24 years old when this happened. For 20 years, she has been wanting to know where her child is. She never had another child and she hopes that one day her kid will knock on her door wanting to me her. She regrets giving up her child. I have another friend that got pregnant 3 times. She wasn't married to her boyfriend and he insisted that they couldn't afford a child then but after 3 abortions, they finally broke up. Later, she got married to a nice man and wanted to have a child with him. But now, she can't have any children. She's seen a doctor about the problem and was told she won't be able to get pregnant. This is a very sad story especially that she aborted 3 babies when she was younger. Take a look at your options fully. A child is a beautiful thing.

Astrid - posted on 01/29/2014

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Ah, I thought she was thinking about giving both children up for adoption. Still think what I said is the best course of action though.

Gladys - posted on 01/29/2014

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I know the numbers of the children that are STILL in adoptions. Around 1580! I am looking right at their faces. Oh and Astrid you seem confused. A BC switch is a birth control switch. I am considering adopting out the possible child i'm carrying. Not the one I already have. I know its odd, but I would never give her away. I just can't stomach having another one.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/29/2014

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Astrid, this isn't about the first child, it's about the upcoming one. And, BC can either refer to Birth control, or birth certificate, depending on the conversation.

Adoption is an excellent option for the 'pending' arrival.

Gladys, seriously? Do you know how many people are waiting to adopt? Have you even looked into it?

Astrid - posted on 01/29/2014

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I don't know what a BC Switch is, and I'm not American, but what I can tell you is this: it sounds like you should have an abortion if you are pregnant, and give up your child for adoption. I know this sounds harsh, and I will probably get a lot of stick for saying that, but I find it to be very true.

Now, I can't tell you about how to give up your child for adoption either, but what I can tell you is this: she is 14 months old. She will not remember you. There is no need to feel guilty about giving her up for adoption. She will go to a family that can look after her, will love her, and will love looking after her. She's only a baby, she'll be adopted really quickly.

Gladys - posted on 01/29/2014

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There are over 1500 children in the Indiana adoptions program. It is ignorant for me to think that someone would want my baby...

Leska - posted on 01/29/2014

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Hello dear
You can look up some christian pregnancy clinics in your area and they will direct you and help you from the beginning. If you are pregnant again, dont do an abortion. There are many couples who would love to adopt your baby.
What area are you in? Maybe i can help you find a good christian pregnancy clinic.
Take care

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/28/2014

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In other words, present it in his language. He can't fault that...

Good luck

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/28/2014

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Well, God does have a purpose for everything. Who's your hubby to say WHAT that purpose is?

Gladys - posted on 01/28/2014

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Ya know I could try that. I have a friend that was adopted and she was more than taken care of. She was overly spoiled. I don't know how likely it is that he would allow a child of his to be adopted but it is an idea.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/28/2014

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Seriously? God could have given you this child so that you could bless a childless couple. Did he ever stop to think of that?

Yes, in my world, God does have a hand in everything, but you have to look at both sides. So, in that case, just tell him that adoption may be God's plan. He can't argue with that.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, by any means. But I sure know that I'd have been thrilled to adopt when I couldn't initially conceive. So, yeah, tell him God's plan's work both ways.

Gladys - posted on 01/28/2014

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The grandparents on both sides weren't exactly thrilled when we had the first baby. I can't imagine how they'd feel about the second.

Gladys - posted on 01/28/2014

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See i'm more than willing to do an open adoption. I need to know that my child is loved in every way that they deserve. That would be divine to me. HE has this God has a divine purpose that we don't understand thing goin and I think he is delirious. God is not the reason why everything happens. Sometimes an overly horny woman responds to her desires ill prepared and digs her family into a deeper hole. I wouldn't want to leave him, but motherhood to a newborn all over again may land me in prison. It is very upsetting to not feel like a mother should.

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