going crazy with 16 year old daughter!

Amanda - posted on 03/24/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

4

0

0

She has no motivation, failing school,hanging with the wrong crowd, unappreciative for anything ive done. Was a stay at home mom 10 years. Divorced her abusive father and now trying to put a happy life together but because we are going head to head she has moved in with her father who is unemployed, has reduced child support and I have a domestic violence order on him. I am so angry with her and feel quilty that im mad and frusterated at my child. My ex continues to try to make me feel bad saying im a bad mom because i put my foot down with her and told her that i wasnt dealing with her unacceptable behavior anymore. Its been 4 days since she has been gone, at this point im still angry and feel that her and I still need time apart because we said some pretty horrible things. When school ends, my plan was to move back to where my family and support system are, my youngest is 10 and 100% on board with the move but my 16 yr old is refusing to go. Ive gotten advice going both ways, making her come with me and letting her stay with her father. She has threatened that she would make worse choices if i made her move but i feel staying with her father she would end up on a worse path. My therapist said that ive raised her and she is old enough to make her own decision, but i feel guilty like im abandoning her when she needs me most but wont realize it........looking for more advice....

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Louise - posted on 03/25/2012

5,429

69

2321

You need to allow her to make her own future here, but you need tokeep the lines of communication open. Write her a letter telling her you understand that she does not want to move away from her friends and the life she knows. Tell her what you are concerned about and how much you love her. Then leave the subject alone for a while. I say write a letter because at the moment she is not listening to you and any approach will be said on deaf ears. With a letter she can read it in her own time, and she will read it!



At 16 we all felt we knew what was best for us. How ever hard it is do the move and tell her there will always be room for her to join her. Then set up Skype so that you can talk for free and see her every day should she want to. Keeping the relationship going is very important.



Try and back off from her because she needs the space to see what a mistake she is making.

Tina - posted on 03/24/2012

27

3

8

Unfortunately, Mom, I'm going to side with your therapist on this one. It is a terribly frightening thing to "let her go", but she needs to learn how things do NOT work, and unfortunately, she has to come to that realization herself. You are NOT abandoning her because if, after you moved, she would call you and tell you she's made a mistake, you would arrange for her to be on the first flight to where you are. You are going to keep the lines of communication open. I have a question that may be none of my business, but if your Ex is unemployed (which I sense is so that he does not have to pay what he should in child support), how on Earth is he making ends meet and paying bills? I hope to heaven it's not drugs. In any event. Continue on with your plans to move- you do need to take care of YOU, you know. Make sure your daughter has all of your contact information. On your half, call her on a regualr basis. Continue to love her and let her know that. Eventually she WILL come back home. The very same thing happened to me and my daughter ended up realizing what a shit her father was, and she had to discover these things on her own. Good luck to you- you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

4 Comments

View replies by

Amanda - posted on 03/25/2012

4

0

0

Thanks Louise, what a great idea writing a letter to her. That way she can read it when she wants and as many times as she wants. Its so hard to back off, especially when I feel like she will continue down the wrong path if im not there to try to hold things together for her. Or my other big concern is that she wont ever see the mistake she is making and will allow herself to fall into a unfortunate lifestyle and blame me for giving up on her or letting her go. I will go write the letter right now. thank you

Amanda - posted on 03/25/2012

4

0

0

Thank you Tina, what an amazing relief it is to have more support and advice. I have told her many times that I love her and will always be there for her, even mentioned the plane ticket whenever she needs it. Its just so hard to let her go, my mothering instincts are fighting me on this one. My ex has been involved in drugs in the past and his income may be coming from that and he is absolutely avoiding work to get out of paying child support. I have 2 months before the move. In a perfect situation she would realize that I do know whats best for us and she would come with me but Im not counting on that happening. She feels that im not considering what she wants and even said I didnt care about her. That hurt deep! The frusterating part is that she is failing school and her crowd of friends arent much different. It would do her so much good to have a fresh start and a clean slate to work with if she moved too. I think her father will very soon be trying to get her to come back home because he doesnt want to be responsible for her, he cant even take care of himself but he wont admit that to her, he wants me to be the bad guy in her eyes. Thanks

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms