graduation party with only ex's family

Laurie - posted on 05/24/2014 ( 7 moms have responded )

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Please help, looking for advice. I have read and understand the concept of taking the high road for daughters sake to have one grad party which includes both sides of divorced family. Our problem has a unique twist and it's causing huge stress. My siblings also have kids graduating this same year, and to make it easier and not to invite relatives to 3 separate parties, we agreed to all combine one family party and then each girl graduate have her own friends party. Me and daughter together planned her friends party, and now she informs me she expects to invite all her dad's side of the family to the friend party. It was a horrible divorce, and has never gotten better. I could maybe have tried to suck it up if my family were there so it sort of an even balance for support. She has known for months of the separate family party and never disagreed before. What do I do? It makes no sense for her to expect me to host just his side of family at this friend party and his family has history of ganging up against me. It's her day, but I don't think she realizes how bad of a day that could turn out to be! Help all ideas appreciated!

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Laurie - posted on 05/25/2014

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I will talk to my daughter about that, I think. She threatened me that if I didn't do what she wanted she would just have dad do her party. She threatens "dad" when she tries to get me to back down on things. But it makes sense because I'm not willing to be the name on the venue conract without being there to see things stay under control. I don't know if he will, he hasn't shown up to one conference in the last four years, but maybe if she plans the whole thing he would be willing to call himself the host. I love her and truly wish it wasn't this way.

Jodi - posted on 05/25/2014

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There's no reason you couldn't encourage his family to host it. Why not suggest to your daughter that dad hosts the party?

Laurie - posted on 05/24/2014

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I do appreciate that u are taking time to reply and I am trying to see the "other side" so I will ask one more question. If this second party is to just include her friends, her father, and her father's family, is there any reason for me to be involved at all? He lives in same city, so he could just add easily be the host instead of me ( it was set fora rented location) and theni could just step out of the picture on that second party. No hard feelings or negative comments on my part. And he had more $ than me so it's not a question of who can afford. To me that seems like a good alternative. Thoughts? :)

Jodi - posted on 05/24/2014

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Actually, you do have responses from people in similar situations. I have an ex that is a total ass, but he IS my son's father and his family IS my son's family. You need to put aside YOUR issues in this matter and not make them her issues.

Laurie - posted on 05/24/2014

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Also, I'm new to circle of mom's and don't thinki got my original post in the Divorce Family category, where maybe people with similar experiences could respond (I'm not saying they would agree with me) with things that worked or didn't work in divorced situations

Laurie - posted on 05/24/2014

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You're right, I do have issues which is why i originally posted. Her dad lives in same town, he will be at grad ceremony. She said she wanted a party for her friends, I agreed to it, we planned it, she waited until time to create invitations to say she now expected her dads whole family not just her dad, invited to that one. He was abusive during marriage to me and sometimes to the kids. They realized some of it even tho they were young so I'm not sure if she's now in denial. His immediate family also did everything they could to make the divorce acrimonious. So I do know from past history how they behave including in front of our children. That's why I do think it would be best for HER if we celebrate separate. Does that make sense now that I explain further? I do appreciate the feedback.

Jodi - posted on 05/24/2014

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It's not about you. It's not YOUR graduation party is it? You need to step back and not allow your feelings get in the way of what she wants for HER graduation party. You talk about it becoming a bad day....for who? you or her? It seems to me like you are the one with the issue. Yep, you need to suck it up. After all, where else have you involved her dad's side of the family in her graduation parties?

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