Grandmother has taken over

Denise - posted on 02/28/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )




Help!!!! I really need some advice there. I am in the unfortunate situation where I am living with my ex-husbands parents (last resort), they are good people and I am sure they mean well, however things have started getting complicated.

Living under their roof has meant that I have to respect the way that they do things, very often resulting in me biting my lip, over time all my methods and parenting have been obliterated by my daughters grandmother, she has taken over and has set rules for my child (bed time rules, TV rules, fun time rules, eating rules), most of which I do agree with, but others are absolutely ridiculous.

Being a school teacher, she does have more experience than I do, as this my first child, and she knows how to relate to kids better, but this has resulted in her having my "mother/daughter" bond, my daughter turns to her when she is hurt, only tells her about how her day was, wants to play games with her, wants to read stories with her, gets into bed and snuggles with her... the list goes on and on, and it is killing me. I have tried speaking to this woman time and time again, I have asked her to please say something like "rather do it with mommy", and she seems to ignore it, we always land up back to square 1.

I really am at a loss with what to do, I have exhausted every option in my head and nothing has worked, I am stuck with them for another 10 months and I am not sure how I am going to get through it, or if it is possible to get my daughter to acknowledge me as her mom.

Advice, please.


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Kristi - posted on 03/01/2013




It's her ex-husband...though. Wait, does he live there, too? How old is your daughter? Have you talked to her? Are you reaching out to her? You've got to find a way to reestablish your relationship with your daughter.

Go to the library and check out some new books to read to her. After dinner or during bath time, whenever, tell her, "Look at the new books mommy borrowed today! Which one would you like to read first?" If she says she wants to read with grandma, just tell her that you picked out those books especially for the two of you and you've been waiting all day to share them with her and then ask her again which one should you read first. Kind of saying no without saying "no." You can also check out parenting books. Another thought, look for a book with easy, at home, science experiments. Generally, you already have everything you need at home. My cousin made a "volcano" out of a water bottle and you could just see the anticipation and excitement grow on the kids' faces as the liquid bubbled higher and higher until it erupted and then everybody screamed and cheered.

Try doing 1-1 things with her. Go to the park or on a "treasure hunt." My kids loved to do that. They each brought a bag and they would collect their treasures along the way. When we got home we'd go through everything and sometimes if we found something really interesting, we'd try to guess what it was and where it came from, etc. I don't know where you live so this might be hard to do this time of year. Maybe find a new hobby together. Coin collecting is an easy one. It might sound boring to her at first, so you would have to get her excited about it. I don't know how old your daughter is so if she's older, coin collecting might not appeal to her at all.

You can do mani/pedi's for each other. My daughter and I get a big pot and fill it with warm water and soak the other's feet. Then we put some lotion on them and give a little massage. Next, we get creative with the paint. Get some bright, wild colors of nail polish and do each other's nails. I think Wet N Wild brand sells bottles for 99 cents. Gosh, there is one that is $1.99/bottle but I can't remember the name. We get them at Rite Aid, that brand has a ton of awesome colors.

Invite her bff over and "teach" them how to make her favorite cookies and then have a tea party with her and her best friend and of course, don't forget to invite grandma. My daughter loves to hear stories about what I did as a kid. Sometimes it works out where something I did sounds like fun and it is something we are able to do at that point. Like building forts out of sheets and blankets and sleeping in them.

Ok, I hope your daughter is young because otherwise most of these ideas will be useless. You're going to need continued patience because you aren't going to be able to reroute this over night. You might have to assert yourself a little bit if necessary. I don't know what the 10 month time line is all about but if you can't get out sooner and you still find yourself overwhelmed, consider talking to a counselor. Check with Catholic Charities or other local churches or the YWCA for counselors who offer free or pro-rated services. You'll get through this. You are her mom. That will never change. ♥

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/28/2013




Otherwise, you may NEED to move out sooner than later. It is good for grandparents to have a great bond with the grandchildren, but not as a parental role unless they are the primary custody,

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/28/2013




Well, you should sit down with your husband and see how he views this. He may not know how you feel. Then, as a family unit (without your daughter) talk to his parents together as a husband and wife parent unit, discuss this as rational adults with his parents. BUT do not do it in an accusatory manner, and have a plan for change.

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