grandparents

Serena - posted on 08/21/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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im in a situation where im in Toronto for a few months due to work i had to bring my three kids with me and my parents offered me to live with them .which i was happy about. but after a month they have started to scold my children criticizing the way they talk ifmy children ask a question they r put off or say dont u have a brain why r u asking questions.i dont want to fight with my parents after all they offered me a place to stay but how do i minimize my childrens torture.

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Chet - posted on 08/21/2013

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How old are your children and how are they taking the comments from their grandparents? The thing is (and this is true of any communication), it matters more what the person on the receiving end hears than what the person on the sending end says. Are your children feeling criticized and distanced from their grandparents, or are they brushing it off as just the way grandma and grandpa are and doing okay overall? To some extent, there are generational and cultural elements at play here too. "Do you have a brain in your head," is an expression older members of my family use. It doesn't mean, "you're stupid, why are you asking that?". it means, "please rethink that" or "I think you might be able to figure that out yourself if you try, I have confidence in you". I know you said that your parents didn't talk this way when you were a kid, but I have a hard time believing they are doing this just because you can't leave! They said you could move in so they would be able to speak to your children in a way that offends you because you would have to stay and take it?! That makes no sense. The way people interact with children has changed. Years ago kids had more freedom and were expected to do more on their own. Adults didn't generally dote on kids like they do now and take lots of time to explain things. If your kids are bothered, and if they are a little older, I think it's fine to talk to them about the situation. Explain that some people are more or less patient, more or less interested in chatting and answering questions, more or less used to having kids around, etc. Whatever the case, try to give them some insight into why their grandparents behave this way, why they shouldn't take it personally (if you believe they are) and why you feel it's necessary to tolerate some of it even though you might not agree with it. It's not terrible for kids to learn that grown ups make mistakes and don't always set the best example. As for your parents, I'm not sure how I would handle that. I might rephrase what is being said immediately to soften the blow. If the kids are upset I might talk to my parents about how the kids are taking their behaviour since, hopefully, they don't mean for the kids to take it so hard. I might talk to my parents about the situation, but if and when I'd do it would depend on a lot of factors. You haven't really provided enough information to say.

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Serena - posted on 08/21/2013

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they definatly didnt talk to us like that when we were children they are doing this because they know that i will not be able to move out until next month but i will try to politly get the message across im praying that my children can bear all the criricisim they r going thru

Meaghan - posted on 08/21/2013

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You need to call them out on their behavior, they shouldn't be talking to your children in that manner. They are kids and kids ask questions so that they can learn, the way in which your parents are responding to their innocent questions seems almost abusive.

I bet they didn't speak like that to you when you were a child. They have just forgotten what it is like to have children around them, perhaps you can politely remind them.

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