"growing pains" 14 and hurtful...

Jennifer - posted on 12/22/2014 ( 1 mom has responded )

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My name is Jennifer. I am 29 years old (ADORE children, but not yet a Mother), my boyfriend is 35 and has a 14 year old girl, whom I've never had the pleasure of meeting. Her father and I started seeing each other a little over 6 months ago, but it wasn't "official" till a month ago, due to his daughter's loud and rebellious opinions. Instead of addressing them, he moved in with me instead of continueing to rent a room off his "baby's mom" to be close to his daughter. Her Father and Mother have been on and off for almost 20 years. I thought living with me would show her I'm not going anywhere and she would come around, but the vicious emails still find their way to my inbox from fake accounts. He says nothing to her, in fear it will drive his daughter away. We get along in EVERY assepct except when it comes to his daughter... All I hear is "you aren't a parent, you don't understand". He tells her Mother to address the nasty, horrible emails, I don't feel it's her job to defend me... I feel it shows avoidness and detachment. But, he does however still jump to drive 2 blocks down the street to wake her up two or three times a week, goes to games, takes her to doctors apts, etc... Which I'm fine with, but it's when her Mother says and always last minute like she is just trying to get is to fight. It's EVERY day, but all things she knew about prior. I don't like the amount of control this woman still has, due to his daughter's ongoing resentment. If I spend 3 hours typing her a heartfelt, honest email in reply... He doesn't allow me to send it... Says, "it will just make things worse", "she will come around one day". Why would a child that feels I "took her daddy from her", come around when he has no intentions of pushing for us to meet. I wear my heart on my sleeve, it pains me to be in love with a man that allows his daughter to call me names that 15 years ago would over got me punished from all social media for months just saying them, let alone to my Father's girlfriend whom I refused to meet. Although his daughter's mother knows he is with me, she is still too in love with him to go asking for her help either. Do I just let them control my life or am I allowed to set reasonable boundaries? Would you be okay with your boyfriend going down to wake his daughter up in the morning for school, when his ex is there waking up for woke at the same time? When she's not budging at all? Any advice would be appreciated... Some days I feel like my life is being run by a 37 year woman with incredibly low self-esteem, pill problems and weight issues and a 14 year old who's mouth is going to end up getting her into some very bad places in this life, cutting issues and also self-esteem issues. I grew up in far from a "picture-perfect" home, but mean no harm and honestly feel like I could help the situation if I was just allowed in, but it feels like he will always have his life with them and his life with me... No compromise. That can't work? Can it?
Sincerely,
Someone who used to enjoy the Holidays

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Michelle - posted on 12/22/2014

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To me it sounds like your boyfriend doesn't want to let go of his ex. Most men wouldn't be going to wake upi their children for school at their Mother's house when the Mother is there, especially a 14yo. That's what alarm clocks are for!
It sounds like he like the attention and the "fighting" over him. As long as his daughter doesn't want to meet you and hates you then he is the one "in the middle" and getting attention.
In my opinion, he needs to grow up and be a Father and stop allowing his teenage daughter to control his life. He needs to put his foot down and let her know that the emails are not called for and that she should be apologizing to you. He also needs to get his ex to do the same.
If he's not willing to then he's not going to change and his daughter will be controlling him for the rest of his life, I've seen grown women treat their Father's like that well into adulthood.

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