grown son's wedding

Patricia - posted on 07/16/2015 ( 7 moms have responded )

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My son is getting married very soon. His fiance is a lovely girl and we certainly do love her and think that she is a good match for him. However, the wedding has gotten out of hand. Her father and her mother (separated) gave them enough money for a nice wedding. However, her father's money had strings attached - that it paid for his friends and family - he has given them a list of people who they have never met nor never will see again. He will most likely pull the money if they protest. They still want to think the best of him. Her mother and her husband also gave them a good amount of money and now they have gone way over budget. My husband and I were never told any details about the wedding. The only thing that was said to us was "how much are you giving?" We do not have the income or the savings for such a high end venue and told them that. We also told them that we would do what we could and we have. We are paying for the rehearsal dinner (the bride picked out the place and the menu) and helping with flowers. Now we are told that if we want any guests that we have to pay for them. We cannot afford that particular venue, so we are paying for ourselves our other two children and that's about it. I had to call the other relatives that the couple sent hold the date cards and uninvite them. We are being made out to be the bad guys when we just can't afford this. I am thinking that they are believing that we are ruining their wedding. But we were never brought into the planning phase because we would have told them that it was out of our price range. The mother of the bride (who is really a nice person) and my son suggested that we cancel our non-refundable vacation (we have not taken vacations for 20 years) to pay for a wedding that is very expensive. I am going to my son's wedding and will have no one there from my family. He has invited many friends, his finance will have all of her family and family friends, her father (who is actually has narcissism personality disorder and cannot be reasoned with) is turning the wedding into a fest for himself and we will have no one. I am so sad and I just need to vent it out. Thanks.

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Sarah - posted on 07/18/2015

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How sad for you to not have your own family members come see your son get married! Are his friends all paying their own way as well? Sadly, I can't think of a solution. I do have one piece of advice for the future; as it seems this new couple may not be able to budget well they likely will get themselves into some trouble financially. DO NOT bail them out! I would not even loan them money or cosign for any type of loan. They are going to have to learn the hard way. Why does your son not put his foot down and insist that the guest list include his family?

Dove - posted on 07/17/2015

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You are totally in the right to put your foot down.... My mom never did w/ my brother and he is 41 and still can't afford to live on his own!!

My dad did pay for my wedding, BUT... he gave me and my now ex $1000 to spend on whatever... and we ended up using some of it for bills. We had a very nice, simple, outdoor wedding w/ a potluck reception. :)

You can't control the behavior of anyone else involved, but you can be firm in your decisions. Them thinking you are the bad guy just shows how greedy and self-centered they are all being over this day.

Michelle - posted on 07/17/2015

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I would never expect my parents to pay for themselves at my wedding reception!!!! That's insane. If the bride can'y afford what she wants at her wedding she can either postpone it or compromise.
Your son also needs to stand up and tell her no. They are going to spending the rest of their lives together and they both need to be responsible.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/16/2015

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Your responsibilities as the groom's parents are actually pretty simple, and you've basically covered them: http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/planni...
Stand your ground, politely, and explain that you really would have appreciated some prior communication.
Pull your son aside, and explain to him that you are NOT continually able to support his choice of lifestyle, and that doesn't mean that you don't love him, just that you aren't his personal bank any more.

Michelle - posted on 07/16/2015

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Well this is your son's wedding, not yours. If he wants to marry into a family like that it's his choice.
For the couple to be expecting their parents to pay for their wedding I find it very rude. If they want to get married with all the trimmings they can pay for it themselves. I never expected any of my family to pay for my weddings but my Dad did give us some money towards my 1st.
Your son should already know that you don't have a lot of money to be throwing around and should be telling his future wife and her family to back off. If he can't stand up to them now then he is going be very unhappily married as his wife will be telling him what to do the whole time.
Maybe you need to let him know that a marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship, and that he really needs to voice his opinion to her now before it's too late.

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Patricia - posted on 07/16/2015

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Indeed, you are right. It is a worry. Her family (other than the dad, who is a creep by any standards) really are very nice. We have shared many dinners with them and I think they feel that they are being pushed up against a wall from these kids foolishness. They feel that they have to bail them out, but I do not. I have bailed my son out financially before and know that he does not learn though he it seems really wants to. It seems that he is being blamed for this mess, and that she is not responsible, but she is equally culpable and indeed they should pay themselves, they both work, but they both spend. I told her mom and step dad that bailing them out is a mistake because then they will expect to be bailed out for the next thing and that they are simply enabling them. We cut our guest list to no one, we are paying for ourselves and our other sons (both groomsmen) and I do not feel that we are obligated to pay for their friends (I told him that early on). I really don't want to lose my son to money, but I also don't want to enable them more. I am just so sad but I will go and hold my head up high.

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