Grown Up Foster Child Hurt And Confused. Need Help please?! - posted on 04/13/2012 ( 5 moms have responded )




I need to provide a small back story. For those of you who cant take any thought of abuse (violent or sexual) should not read this....i'm only 21 and i dont know what else to do i thought i'd ask moms for advice.

Both of my parents were deemed unfit to care for me by the state of New Hampshire, yup i was a foster child from 10-18. My father was an alcoholic and my mother and him split up when i was young. I moved in with my mom and her new boyfriend who soon became my new "daddy" as she married him. Soon they started spiraling out of control they would drink every night and fight each other. I used to watch him hurt her and she begged me to call the police many times. The worst part is that she got so drunk one night he came into my room molested, raped, and threatned to kill me if i told anyone. As soon as it was over i ran to my friends house and i was rushed to the hospital for a rape kit. It was positive. I testified in court and ended up in foster care. My mother had no rights over me and it was court ordered until she went to a parenting class and counseling she wasnt allowed to contact me and of course per my wishes. She is still married to this man. When i turned 18 i put my hate aside for her not believing me or supporting me or trying to get me back....for the past 3 years she has disappointed me completely. She doesnt show up when she says she'll see me. i've been dating someone for 2 years she hasnt met him yet.

Yesterday was my 21st birthday usually she'll text or call on holidays or birthdays. Seeing as this was a milestone in my life i really wanted her to be a part of it. she didnt text or call me. I sent her a text reminding her of my birth and that she should appreciate me more. She then told me a bunch of lies, slandered my boyfriend, called multiple family members to call me and yell at me and then she had the audacity to say that i usually call her on holidays so she expected me to call her....ON MY BIRTHDAY????

MY QUESTION IS: how long do i have to keep trying to have a relationship with someone who makes me feel like i'm a mistake? The pain of rejection from my own mother is more than i can harbor in my heart.


Kimberly - posted on 04/14/2012




Melaine I was a foster kid too and have been on one roller coaster but at the end of the day I had a choice to make, I could either let the things that have happened to me define who I am or I could raise above them and grow and have strength from what I have lived through. You need to start looking after you cause your mother sure isnt going to do it, she doesnt know how and until she can help herself change she will always see the negitive and bad in everyone else. She will blame everyone but herself for the reasons why things are wrong in her life. You have just turned 21, have a relationship that makes you happy, and have made it past your past. Its hard going but you cant help someone who doesnt want help so letting go is really the only opption. Its taken me many years to let go of alot of things, it doesnt mean I have forgotten or forgiven them but I can move on from them. I do now have a relationship with my mother which is really good but for a lot of years it wasnt there, but she did get help and she did try to fix and change the things she has done wrong and not make the same mistakes with my sisters as she did with me.
One day you will be a mother and you will understand a love that is truely special when you look at that little baby, and I know you will promise them that you will never ever be like the mother you had or do the things she did. YOU were never a mistake, the choices and habits that your mother chose to do are what are the mistakes. Let her go and if she wants to be part of your life then she needs to work for it, its no longer something that she gets to take for granted best of luck and happy birthday

Medic - posted on 04/13/2012




I was bio mom has always been apart of my life. My dad on the other hand is a whole different story. He has promised to meet me, promised to do this that and the other and never has. Granted I had a decent childhood, I have the best adoptive dad in the whole world, and well my mom is my mom (she did the best she could with what she knew). My parents divorced shortly after they adopted me. I got married when I was 18 and my bio dad had called when I was 17, I told him about my wedding when and where and he swore he would be there. Well guess what, he never showed. I was just done. I was done crying, I was done wondering what I had done wrong, done with the hate, done with the what ifs, just done. I now have two beautiful children he will NEVER know and that is HIS fault. He made his decisions and now he has to take them to the grave. How he acted is totally and completely on him, I did NOTHING wrong. I didn't ask to be his mistake, I didn't ask for him to hate me, and I am no longer asking for him to love me. I know it is a lot to do to cut poison out of your life but that is what you need to do. Just remember YOU ARE WORTH IT, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, LOVE YOURSELF MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE. You are not responsible for anyone elses choices or decisions, just make yourself the best you that you can be and do it for YOU. PM me if you want to talk more.

Louise - posted on 04/14/2012




Let it go! She is never going to be the mother you want her to be. She made her decision to abandon you many years ago and she is never going to change. All you are doing is allowing her to hurt you again. I know she is your mother but this is not motherly love. I dont know if you are a mum yourself, if you are you will know the bonding between mother and child and you would not let anything hurt that baby. She obviously does not have this. Your life is going to be better off without her in it. She does not care!

Move forward with your life, you sound a well grounded person that has been through so much in there life. Does your fella have a mother in his life, bond with her. I have a very good relationship with my mother in law and she treats me as one of her own. Sometimes it is better for us to look to the future, look forward to having a husband and a family and show yourself that you are a wonderful person who has dealt with this crap and come through it. Dont dwell on the past look forward to the future and dont get sucked back into her world of misery.

You are better than that. Protect your delicate heart from any more pain. Clean start. Maybe see a councillor to see you through the transition of down trodden to strong women with a bright future.

Tina - posted on 04/13/2012




I haven't been through all you have but my step dad was a jurk and I lived with my mum until I was 13 living with violence and the whole alcohol thing. My real dad is good but I stayed with my mum in order to try and protect her and my other siblings. I have a brother to the same dad. And my mum has had 8 other children to this man. Only recently they've broken up but they're normally on and off. I've tried desperately for years to put everything behind us and have a relationship with my mum only to be disappointed. Years ago all I wanted was just to see her and the kids without her other half. She decided she didn't have any family here so they moved 2000kms away. She came down to see me for the birth of my son. She never had anything nice to say. Even before I had him she basically stated I was going to be a good mum. I decided enough is enough. Sometimes you just have to stop caring. If she wants a relationship with you she can work for it. Make a life for yourself because despite everything you got through it and you're a better person because of it. I know it's hard. It's heart breaking but she is her own worst enemy and she will never admit to any wrong doing. She will take it out on you and your partner and make you feel guilty when you have nothing to feel guilty about. My mother made me feel like I could never amount to anything and I would be a bad mother. It may just be better to cut your losses with her. If she wants a relationship with you she can work for it. Honestly it's not worth all the heartache on your part. She's a mum by name not by nature. Nothing should ever come before a child. Especially a man. You deserved alot better and I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. I breaks my heart that children go through what you have.


View replies by - posted on 04/14/2012




Thank you everyone who responded. I told myself the very same things you have all told me which makes me believe I have made the right choice in telling her not to try and contact me anymore. At this point i'm tired of her bi polar attitude. She loves me one month and then next 6 she ignores me.

I feel fortunate to be born in april because spring is a sign of rebirth. The things that have happened to me have caused me to adjust and be "reborn" so to speak. I've had to teach myself how to live on my own and often wish i could call her just to get some advice on how to shop for groceries.

It sucks but at the end of the day she didnt raise be and hasnt been a mother to me my whole life. I dont know why i thought she'd all of a sudden start being one now. Time to cut my losses and live my life for myself.

ALSO My boyfriend has great parents who have provided me with a great boyfriend, nice apartment, and put food in my belly. They also let me live at their house for a few months i was on summer break from College. His mom sent me a bday card in the mail and i called her to thank her. It also had a gift card in it because she knows i dont buy clothes for myself as i'm far to worried about everyone else in my life (so i usually make sure everyone else has things they need before i do). I called her to thank her and started crying telling her the best gift i've ever had on my birthday was because she gave birth to it. Her son.... I have a very strong fondness for his mother and can always call her for advice.

I am not a mother yet but I have a weird feeling i soon will be....And i will never do this to him or her. Thank you for everything ladies you have lifted a heavy burden on my heart.

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