[deleted account] ( 3 moms have responded )
This summer i decided to give my son the opportunity to connect with his father. We flew to his country and stayed close by for a month. My son is 8 and hungering male guidance. I have not had the interest in being with another man for a few years now as I got pretty messed up and depressed from the relationship with his father which ended 5 years ago. He was being his usual dickhead self and all my suppressed rage started to surface. Rather than cause drama i managed to get 3 days to myself where i went for 3 days water only fast and meditation in the forest. i had hoped to have longer to process the intense feelings that were surfacing but his father cut my time short (Ive had 6 full days to myself in 3 years) when I collected my son I was feeling pretty much like I needed time to process but what to do. The subject came up of his father and i found myself saying that "i hated him so much i wanted to kill him" Now I feel so bad and sorry and wish I could turn back time. Sometimes being an exhausted single mum makes you do pretty stupid stuff. I now try to figure out how to somehow take back my words without messing up further.