Guilt over wanting to leave babys father! Life crisis here!

McKale - posted on 05/31/2014 ( 7 moms have responded )

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So let me start by saying my significant other and I have a one year old little boy together, and he is absolutely wonderful. The issues in our relationship have nothing at all to do with our parenting together, he is a wonderful father and is there for his son when he needs him. However, he is a really crappy partner.
A little background info so you know where my question originates from, we had only been dating for 8 months when I found out I was pregnant. Right before that, I had caught him cheating via text with another girl so clearly we had a very unstable start. We made the decision to get over our past and try to build a better future for our son together. Well fast forward 2 years and we are still together, living together engaged and arguing over the tiniest things. We do not work as a team, we constantly bicker over who has done what. He is a very selfish person as a whole, everything he sees is what he does and nothing that anyone else does. He comes home everyday and fussed about his job but never does anything to pursue a better career, he has a lot of trouble with change. We won't be able to buy a home together for quite some time because he did not take care of his bills when younger and has awful credit. I manage all of our bills and pay more for our living expenses and things for our son. Lately, I have been at a literal stopping point with everything to do with this relationship. I am so tired of fighting and I worry that if we do marry we won't make it long term and it will hurt our son more later in life if we split. I am barely tolerating his cynical attitude at this point so I have no clue how I am supposed to make it work with this person! I feel guilty because he is a great dad, but he really puts his own needs above anyone else's aside from our sons. My family doesn't like him, they think he is childish and complains all the time.
Is there any hope here? I just want to do what is best for my son but lately all I can think about is getting my own place again with just me and my baby boy. Any advice is welcome!

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Ev - posted on 05/31/2014

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But to stay in a marriage or relationship for the sake of the child is not fair to any of those involved. The emotional stress alone is enough to make it hard. I am divorced from my ex who I was married to for almost 13 years (a few days shy of that). He was done and of course would not work things out or explain why. We have two kids together (now adults and senior in high school). It was tough splitting up and I do not think he had the kids in mind when he decided to leave. I can tell you after that 12 years of being divorced that the kids will get through it. No matter if its a break up or a divorce. As long as the parents keep the kids understanding that the parents love them no matter what goes on and keep focused on the kids, they will get through it and kids can be very resilient in most things. At first, its not easy but once things do settle down and the parents figure out how they will work to keep the kids happy and keep the discipline and such going, the kids will be fine.

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Kimberly - posted on 06/02/2014

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My husband is the same way, and I have been in this relationship for 5 years. My friend had the same problem tried to make it work for 7 years but he never change and now they are getting divorce. Im thinking of doing the same thing but again my kids don't see him as I do they see a loving father and not the selfish childish angry man I do. Its a very hard thing to decide and you should take your time and really think about whats best for your daughter and yourself It will be hard now but in the long run it might better for everyone involve

Jenny - posted on 06/02/2014

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this is exactly where i am, and it never changes even if you get 10 kids. i have 3 and am on a spree looking for exit, but not so sure if i should leave, for the sake of the children.

Ev - posted on 05/31/2014

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Its hard to do things like this. And I am glad you found my words to be of help. Its not easy to wake up one morning and find out that your partner has decided to do something else and not tell you about it. Or that your partner can not grow up and be the person they should be for themselves. There are other situations I could go into here but too many to list but they all end in the same way if it is not worked out: You go your separate ways but for the involvement of children. Its not easy to co-parent with someone who hates you. Its not easy to co-parent when this someone marries and the new wife/husband thinks its in the best interest of everyone to hear their words on the situation when they have no say at all. But it is better to co-parent if you all can get along and a lot of women post here about similar circumstances to yours all the time worried that the ex's new partner is not going to be agreeable to the situation. And its true that most are not. And then the step parent is complaining that the bio parent is so awful. Its a mess when not all the facts are out there. I just hope things work for you.

McKale - posted on 05/31/2014

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It is a very scary thought about what our lives will be like separated but it is not because I'll be sad to be apart from him but more so sad for my son that he won't always have dad there to tuck him in or help out. Our lease on our house ends in November and I am considering just living separately for a while to see if he can get better by being on his own for a bit, since he has never. If he can't grow up then I will stay separated and know that I did the right thing by trying. It doesn't scare me to be a single mom, just want to make sure I can take care of my son in every way that I can now. Thank you for your kind words and support, I really needed an unbiased opinion into the relationship as my grandmother loves him and will not support any thought of leaving, but the rest of my family does not like him and my mom wishes I would have never stayed.

McKale - posted on 05/31/2014

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I think the biggest problem is he has always had someone to do what needs to be done when he won't, he has never had to live on his own and solve his own problems. His mother coddled him and still does, as far as she has always bailed him out of money issues, never kept him accountable, etc. So now I deal with trying to get him to do those things and he just gets angry and frustrated all the time. I don't think our relationship is bad, I think it is tolerable. But I don't want that to be the standard for my son, but I also am afraid of the repercussions on him if we split up. I know he loves his dad, I wouldn't want to affect my son in a bad way no matter my happiness or not, I would sacrifice whatever it took to make sure he was happy and comfortable. I don't think his father would do that.

Ev - posted on 05/31/2014

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At this point you have been with him for a while and it sounds like its the same thing since the beginning. From what you say, I do not see it changing since you did say he does not like change/ does not take changes well. THat being said is the key to all this. If he is unwilling to find a new job, if he is unwilling to try harder, if he is unwilling to do what needs to be done--then there is nothing you can do as you can not change the man. He has to change himself and do it for himself. I would say that splitting from him for the sake of being a couple is probably the best thing unless you can get him to go to counseling for this. IF not staying is doing no one any good even your child who will pick up on this though they do not understand what is going on. They can pick up on the stress, emotional bit, and other things that gives them cues of what the home life feels like. Even if you never married, splitting is still going to affect the little guy anyway.

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