Happy With Only One!

Melissa - posted on 05/14/2011 ( 15 moms have responded )

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I have a beautiful 3-year old girl. I am a stay-at-home Mommy, have an amazing husband, and love my life with my little family. Is it wrong that I do not want anymore kids? I mean, I feel bad because my daughter won't have a sibling, but I have no urge to be pregnant or have another baby ever again. And, no, I have felt this way for the last 3 years, and am not going to change my mind. I always wanted just one. Opinions please!

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[deleted account]

Melissa, We were also pursuing adoption for the longest time prior to having our son. (I had infertility issues & multiple miscarriages) One thing I learned in our adoption classes is something I'll always keep with me, and also echoed inthe book Adopting the Hurt Child. If you do plan to adopt an older child and combine bio & adopted, consider birth order. If your bio child has always been considered an only or older child, her ranking may be reduced to "younger sibling" if the adopted child is older. It makes sense to me to consider birth order. But of course nothing is ever set in stone when seeking adoption. We still considered adoption for several years after our son was born, but that feeling has gradually faded. But if we ever have that urge in the future, I would only adopt a child younger than my son so that he would be the "big brother". Good luck to you in the future!

[deleted account]

Something else I remember from the adoption classes is considering so many aspects of how long and why an older child is in the foster care system. Has he been in and out, failed or almost failed adoption? Is there any reason why this older child was unable to seek kinship adoption as a first priority? In many instances, seeking adoption through currently exisiting family is always preferable. But in the book I referenced above, there are so many concerns. For example, yo umentioned a 9 year old child. Well that 9 year old child may be that child's chronological age, but *may* have an emotional age of 6 1/2 due to constant bouncing around foster homes. So many factors to consider and your social worker will be your best friend during the process! Good luck!

Melissa - posted on 05/15/2011

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Thanks everyone for your comments. I just wanted to see if it was bad not to give her a sibling. And, Jaime-Leigh, we were actually looking into adoption. We would adopt in maybe 2 years, there is a process here. And, I'd want to adopt an older kid who doesn't have as easy a chance, like around age 9-10 or older.

[deleted account]

I knew Kelly would beat me to this thread as soon as I opened it! We seem to share the same view point in raising an only child. I'll pretty much repeat everything she already stated as a positive advantage to raising an only, but not LONELY child! Our 6 year old son is very well rounded, social, and involved with sports & extra-curricular activities. The bonus is that he is also very close with his cousins, 1 6 months older and the other 3 years. All the boys attend the same school and go to after school daycare together.



I have 1 brother & 1 sister. As kids we were not particularly close at all. As adults we are closer but still not buddy buddy I can't live without you. Every once in a blue moon he'll ask about wanting a brother and I tell him there are lots of things in life you can, and cannot have. A brother is one of those things you can't have. And he moves on!

Blackwood - posted on 05/15/2011

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If you are not going to change your mind, why do you want opinions? Just asking, I personally have to have 2 children, so they do have a sibling. I couldn't imagine my life without my sister. I think it's good for a child to have a sibling to share and do things with. I personality would have been very lonely as a child. My mom was there and did many things with us, but as I got older, she was still my mom, not someone my age, liking the things I did or talking about the things I would be interested in. My sister and I fought throughout the years, normal stuff, but we are so very close. The other reason is this: a friend of mine lost both her parents within a year and half of each other, for different reasons and she has no siblings and the one day she said too me "I have no one that knows how I feel, I know others lost their parents, but they were not MY parents and I have no siblings that can relate to me and this situation". How about playing in the yard, babies, ball, going to the park ect. . . Again just my opinion.

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I think it’s a personal opinion. You child does not need a sibling, she can be surrounded my cousins and friends and be just as close. It is hard to raise one child, let alone two. I did not want kids at all and then one day I was pregnant. I was an only child growing up. I swore I would not have another one because there were too many issues with my now ex-husband. However, my fiancés has a daughter and she is 4, my daughter is 12. I sometimes feel I have gone backwards, but she’s a great kid and my daughter gets along with just wonderfully considering the age gap. Neither one of us want to add a third to the mix. We both love to travel and buying 4 tickets opposed to one is difficult. Hold off on the criticism, my post is purely selfish because sometimes that is what it comes down to; how hard are you willing to work and how much money are you willing to spend on raising children and raising more than one. The choice is all yours and no one should judge you on the number of children you have or don’t have.

Jaime - posted on 05/15/2011

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It's really good that you're taking the steps toward being prepared for adoption if that's something you choose in the future Melissa. I think that whatever you decide to do, will be the right choice for you and for your family ♥

Melissa - posted on 05/15/2011

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Yea. I never considered the birth order. Mainly because my daughter likes being the baby. So, we always said she should have been a younger sister. I don't think I'd have any issue adding a child in our home that was older. Because, when friends come over with older kids she is fine, when I hold my nephews she freaks out, because she is the baby she tells me. So, I think she is one where I'd make an exception that she needs an older sibling, not younger. If we decide to adopt, I know we will go through all those classes and all too. And, you go to meet the kids and stuff. I am still thinking about what I'd like to do. We will see what the future holds.

Jaime - posted on 05/15/2011

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That's a good point Sharon, and one that I had never even considered before. I'm not looking to adopt, but I do feel strongly that if I ever have the urge for more children, then adoption will be my first choice. I do think you're right that it's important to consider the birth order when combining biological and adopted children...this way there's much more unity between the siblings because both won't feel misplaced or out of place in the family.

Jaime - posted on 05/15/2011

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Having another child to prevent supposed loneliness in another child is not a good enough reason for me to bring another human being into the world. Adoption is always an option for families that want more than one :)

[deleted account]

We only have one, a son, and are perfectly happy with our little family. He is 6 years old now, and I kept thinking we'd eventually start wanting a second, but I've never had that desire, and now that he's 6, I'm pretty sure we aren't changing our minds.

There are TONS of advantages to having only one!
Travel: So much easier with only one--less to pack, saves tons on plane tickets, I could actually go on for miles here, but you get the drift.

Sports: With only one kid, I get to be at every sporting event, play, etc. My friends with multiple kids are always having to decide who's event is more important, and running like crazy to get all the kids to their multiple activities after school. Then others say they cannot afford for all of their kids to be in certain activities, so none get to do it, I think that is sad.

College: By the time J is in college, it will cost nearly $300k for a 4 yr degree. PER KID!

Finances: My one kid is pricey, and for some it is feasible, but I don't think we could afford another unless I worked, and I don't want to take time away from my child to work just so I can have another child, which will demand even more time away from my child--seems like a raw deal for the first kid in our situation.

And last, I have a sister. We weren't close growing up, and we aren't close now. I love her, sure, but I rarely speak to her, she is certainly not someone I call when I'm upset or need a friend, I have friends for that, and my son will as well. Having a sibling is no guarantee that your child will have a "friend for life" or always have someone to turn to.

Mel - posted on 05/15/2011

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yeah its pretty much yours and your husbands choice. I personally would have as many kids as I could afford but thats just me everyones different. Some people want 1, or 2 or 3 its a personal choice

Stifler's - posted on 05/15/2011

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I'm having my second and people are already saying we should have a third... um like please WHY WOULD I NEED 3 KIDS... WHAT'S WRONG WITH 2? If you're happy with one, stick to your guns. They can come over in the night and feed the baby for you if it means that much to them. That's what I tell people... YOU can come over and look after my 3 kids under 3 if you think I need 3 kids.

Jaime - posted on 05/14/2011

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I'm also happy with one and don't have the urge to have another. Nothing wrong with only wanting one child...some of us aren't meant to have more.

Theresa - posted on 05/14/2011

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I think that's a personal opinion. If you and your husband are happy with one then great. Don't let anyone else try to tell you how you should feel. As far as your daughter not having siblings that doesn't mean she has to be lonely. Get her involved in different activities where she can make friends like dance, gymnastics and other sports.

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